Self Development To Do List

[soos_mite_ah]

Recognizing How Far I've Come 

I decided that I wanted to go through my previous entries to reflect on how far I have come and exercise self compassion to my past self. Comments from my current self in 9/17/22 is in red. 

On 3/20/2021 at 4:50 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The Original To Do List 

I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around  75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items)  , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal.

I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm

~~~***manifesting***~~~

1. Achieve financial freedom
2. Heal body image issues
3. Having a clear vision and purpose

These are the things that I have yet to resolve from my original To Do List a year and a half ago. The original list had like 35 items and to have worked through more than 90% of it makes me feel like I've come a long way. I even thought to myself coming into this school year just how much of a more solid, stable, and sure of myself I have become since this time last year. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These two posts above made me think back to how much shame I was carrying with me and how much I have cleaned up from my psyche. I feel like one of my largest points of growth in this past year or so has been in the dimensions of personal relationships and learning to be gentle with myself through self acceptance and by letting go of needing to have my life together at all times. I feel like I really opened myself up to vulnerablity in a very positive and constructive way.  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On 8/24/2021 at 3:04 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I wanted to include this quote from my other journal into this one. I feel like this is a good snap shot of where I'm at right now regarding my emotions and my development. I look forward to seeing this particular post later on as I work through my self development to do list just to see how much things change. 

On 8/24/2021 at 0:04 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Then there is my experiences for the last few years especially during the pandemic so far. This situation has left me feeling really unsure of myself, unsure of my abilities, unsure of where I'm going with my life and what the future holds, unsure about what my place is socially. I'm definitely not my most confident self and I don't think that helps given the classes I'm taking this semester. I also want to emphasize that even though I'm unsure, I'm not exactly insecure. There is a lot of ambiguity and doubt, and while that does overlap with insecurity a bit, it has a different flavor. It's more panic inducing rather than shame inducing however the shame isn't completely absent. The panic is just more front and center.  

On 10/1/2021 at 0:07 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Negative Emotions Inventory 

I decided to jot down some of the most negative spirals I go into and how they devolve both from a thinking and emotional standpoint. This is just a way of taking stock at my weak points going forward as well as a way to let myself be vulnerable and gentle with myself: 

 

I wish I wasn’t doing everything by myself and that I had actual adults I could turn to. I feel so alone. I am angry and frustrated on how I have to fix problems I didn’t create because of generational trauma. My problems aren’t even my problems. They became my problems because my parents didn’t do their part in healing and self-awareness. Like I have my own shit to deal with, why I do have to be weighed down by other people’s shit?!?!? It feels heavy and I’m tired and sad.

I wish the person I am today was the person I was when I was 14. On a similar note, I wonder who I would have become if I had a healthy and happy upbringing. I wish I stepped into my potential earlier. I wonder if I’ll ever step into my potential because there is a huge part of me that feels like I already failed in life and that I have nothing going for me.

My future feels very bleak. I already talked about things on an individual level but also, this translates to the collective level because of late-stage capitalism. I’m talking climate change, fascism, wealth inequality, misinformation, the pandemic, etc. Everything feels dystopian. I feel like there are systemic issues stopping me from living my best life.

I also don’t have confidence in my abilities. I don’t feel like I have much going for me. I feel like a little ball of anxiety most of the time and I feel done with my life a lot of the time. It takes so much energy to do a lot of basic things. And because of that, I haven’t been able to go above and beyond during college whether it be socially, academically, or professionally. I feel like I wasted so much time. My resume looks like a skinny legend, and I’m scared of what that would mean for my future after graduation. Imposter syndrome is very much a thing. People tell me that I have a lot of potential and they tell me I’m on the right path., but I really wished that I could see what they see. Even though I can list out and talk about all of the ways I’m dealing with my issues step by step and I know that I’m making progress, I still feel like I’m an absolute mess.  I’m so scared of the future. I’m anxious of what’s to come and I’m depressed by the current prospects.

Similar to how I don’t feel like I’m desirable professionally, I also don’t feel like I’m desirable in a sexual and romantic light. I don’t feel beautiful and it’s hard for me to picture someone seeing me in that light because of the experiences I simply didn’t have growing up for whatever reason. It’s like I wasn’t able to develop that healthy sense of self in this area of my life in the time most people do and as a result there is a part of me that feels rather unconfident and underdeveloped.

These two posts really makes me empathize with who I was last year and the heaviness I had to work through. Like I just want to go back and give my past self a hug and some reassurance by showing her how she resolved and processed all of these emotions less than a year later. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On 10/14/2021 at 9:22 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

A Wish List
I see this as some things that I want but at the same time not super fixated on. Like for example, I might want a romantic relationship but I'm not going to be obsessing over guys rather I'm going to be unpacking my own limiting beliefs and work on myself and have faith that this will take care of itself since I am doing the actual work. I do believe that I have my intentions set and that this will come to me in the right timing and that I shouldn't obsess about and beat myself up for not have these things.  

See this list as me trying to ~~**manifest**~~

• A solid group of friends 
• A significant other 
• A job/internship I have lined up and knowing that I will be able to support myself
• A stable almost somewhat boring life that is peaceful and will give my soul some rest for a little bit 
• Travel
• Feeling nice in my body and/or having my ideal body

I have all of these except for the stable boring life part and the feeling nice in my body part. That's another thing that I caught myself thinking about since this school year started, how I have acquired so many of the things that I have been aiming for. I remember on how in one of my therapy sessions we were talking about building a life worth living and again... I'm so proud of how far I've come. 

 

I feel like these two specific To Do Lists really set the foundation of how well this year has been going for me from a growth standpoint. I think I did a really good job at identifying action items that would give me the best pay off. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I like the section on this list where I talk about the things that I made a point to maintain. I feel like I got a lot out of that and I'm proud of the discipline that I used and that grew within me to keep this up as consistent things in my life. And I belive that I'm at a point where I built up a lot of positive habits that I can maintain to ensure that the good things in my life are relatively solid rather than a product of luck where I don't know how to keep what I have been blessed with because I didn't work for it if that makes sense. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another thing that I have been thinking about as I've been going through my old posts is how I have taken a break from the spiritual side of self development in order to build a more solid and healthy ego. I do want to get into spirituality more in the future once I have built a solid foundation for myself (and by that I mean have  become independent from my parents, experienced some of the things I really find fulfilling in life, and become more financially stable). I can see myself doing that in the next few years. I have detailed those things down here: 

But I don't need to do everything I ever wanted before diving back into spirituality. Something that I found really important for me is to not give myself a set timeline and not rush having certain life experiences. You don't have to cram your entire lifetime and experiences into your 20s. I can see myself getting more into spirituality in the next 1-3 years or so incrementally.  

 

Edited September 17, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/31/2021 at 11:32 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Prerequisites Before Doing Psychedelics 

This doesn't include precautions like testing, having a trip sitter, measuring dosages etc. This has more to do with things that I want to make sure I have done before choosing to experiment.  

• Be over 25: Need to have the prefrontal cortex developed. Don't want to mess up my neurological development. 
• Have at least 2 years of mental stability. I don't want to see demons and shit. This means for 2 years there are: 
  • No anxiety attacks
  • no depressive episodes
  • healthy habits are in place 
  • exercising regularly 
  • be mindful of the content you consume
  • Deal with most traumatic events and process them to where they don't hold you back or effect you
    • These are in green because I cannot cross them out because it hasn't been 2 years yet but so far, 9+ months into 2022, I am on track. 
• Have basic survival dealt with in a sustainable/ conscious way:
  • can financially support myself without being anxious about money 
  • in a job that I find fulfilling if not at the very least bearable 
  • have healthy and fulfilling relationships (both platonic and romantic) 
  • health wise I'm doing well and not on any medication that could interfere with psychedelics 
• Be firmly into stage yellow in spiral dynamics and be firmly aware in the strategist and construct aware stages in the 9 stages of ego development
  • Exhaust unhealthy stage green tendencies
  • Deal with any emotional hang ups from the previous stages 
    • I have looked at my previous notes regarding where I see myself on the spiral and the 9 stages of ego development model and I feel like I'm more or less on track for this. The remaining stuff I need to sort out have to do with connecting to my life purpose and career which will require more time and life experiences. 
  • Continue quality self education after college
• Educate yourself on mystical traditions, nonduality, and philosophy for a couple months or so 
  • familiarize with stage turquoise/ unitive aware stage and concepts 
  • watch Leo's videos on nonduality and psychedelic usage (been ignoring them for now because I'm simply not ready) 
• Travel to a place where you can do this with the supervision of a professional and where this is legal 
  • could include/ mean visiting a shaman or doing it in a country where it is legal and regulated 

I feel like the main thing I need to worry about between when I turn 25 and now has to do with my career. I have been dealing with being stuck in a rut about not wanting to work after college mainly due to things like burnout and capitalistic angst. But over the last month or so I have been doing things that wil ensure that I can secure something after graduation and that will motivate me to find hope in my future. And me reflecting on my previous posts as well as going through this specific post has highlighted the necessity of figuring out my career even more.  Additionally, secondary to sorting out my career, I will have to carve out time for continuing my self education especially on spiritual matters. I have talked about diving back into spirituality in my previous post and how I intend to do that incrementally over the next few years. 

Edited September 18, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 9/14/2022 at 0:24 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 9/14

1. Apply to jobs or at least figure out what kinds of jobs to look into: Applied to a few places but I was slowed down a lot because of a health issue that came up recently. 
2. Deal with body image issues I feel like I'm currently moving towards a place of body neutrality atm. I also want to move towards wearing clothes that I used to wear and feeling better about my body. I no longer have the impulse to starve myself on bad days. I am working with a dietician to help me lose weight in a healthy way. And finally, I'm back to working out regularly. 
3. Blogging/ Journalling: I need to get on that but I'm not forcing myself to do anything atm 
4. Deal with the constant feeling of not being/ doing enough I feel like I'm dealing with this as I'm learning more and more about eugenics. I think a lot of it comes from being invalidated emotionally as a child because other people in my family had it worse, combined with putting my worth in productivity and how "useful" I can be. And just because I'm lacking in certain things or I might have more needs in some places does not mean that I'm any less of a person or any less deserving of basic human rights and respect. And that respect includes not beating myself up.
   1.  I think another part of it is also just getting out of my environment and into the real world where everyone is doing their own thing at their own pace. I also really need to get a job that pays the bills. I think those two things  will help me greatly. 
5. Deal with the guilt that I sometimes feel when I take care of my basic needs (mainly when it comes to taking time for myself and working at my own pace)  See above

 

[soos_mite_ah]

How I see my life in a year or so: 
Think of this as a list of things I am ~~**manifesting**~~

• Have a job that supports me and have some savings + additional financial literacy 
  • figure out investments + savings + budgetting 
• Not chronically online 
• Maintain and deepen current relationships both platonically and romantically 
• Get clearer regarding what I want out of my career + figure out my next move
  • Do I want to or need to go to grad school? If so for what? 
  • What industry do I want to work in ?
  • What kind of job and lifestyle suits me and my current place in my life? 
• Partake in my hobbies regularly + volunteering 
  • writing, tutoring, exploring my interests etc. 
• Continue to exercise regularly 
  • have a gym membership and a few classes you go to 
• Rest and recuperate physically and mentally by having good boundaries and having a fullfilling but not overly full life so I have time to myself 
  • deal with my adrenal fatigue regarding family and school 
  • invest in active and passive rest 
• Go on another trip
  • travel with friends, significant other, or solo 
• Get clearer on what I want out of my life given the stability I have created for myself
  • I have a good life now, but what does a great life look like? 
  • What does a healthy amount of challenge and purpose look like for me specifically? 
  • How do I finance these goals if life style changes are applicable (i.e. ideal place of living, moving to a new place, savings etc.)? 
  • Finding friends who push me to grow 

Edited October 18, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/11/2022 at 11:03 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 9/14

1. Apply to jobs or at least figure out what kinds of jobs to look into: Dealing with this after graduation
2. Deal with body image issues I feel like I'm currently moving towards a place of body neutrality atm. I also want to move towards wearing clothes that I used to wear and feeling better about my body. I no longer have the impulse to starve myself on bad days. I am working with a dietician to help me lose weight in a healthy way.
3. Blogging/ Journalling: I need to get on that but I'm not forcing myself to do anything atm 
4. Deal with the constant feeling of not being/ doing enough : I think a huge part of it is also just getting out of my environment and into the real world where everyone is doing their own thing at their own pace. I also really need to get a job that pays the bills. I think those two things  will help me greatly. I also find that I only have unhinged thoughts about this when I haven't slept or eaten enough. As a result, I would say this is 80% taken care of so I'm crossing it off 

I can't believe that I'm at a point where my lists are so short because I have most of my life taken care of as of now. I still remember about a year and a half ago when my life was an absolute mess and I had like 30 items on a list. It feels so good to come this far and see this much progress in this journal. Even though the two issues above are pretty big (not seeeing blogging as an issue rather it is something to keep in mind), I still feel like I'm in a very solid place emotionally. I would do another to-do list but I don't think I can have another until after I start my next phase of my life once I get a job and move out of my parents' house.  

[soos_mite_ah]

To Do List: After Graduation 

1. Focus on applying to jobs/ interviewing 
2. Continue working out + follow up with dietician appointments
3. Continue volunteering 
4. Get a part time job 
5. Continue maintaining friendships 
6. Figure out budgeting, investments, financial goals (do most of this once I get my job but educate myself in the meantime) 
   • Some things off the top of my head include 
     • day to day budgetting 
     • 401k / Retirement savings
     • investing (index funds, portfolios etc.)
     • emergency funds 
     • how to allocate my savings (future down payment on house, paying my parents back for college, college funds for a family one day maybe, travel savings, savings for a car etc.) 
7. Keep my distance from my family + figure out where to go with the relationship

[soos_mite_ah]

Emotional To Do List 1/29/2023

These are some things that aren't in the list above that I am dealing with a therapist and that I want to emotionally be mindful of. I feel like the above list is largely stuff that I want to do to build myself externally wheras this is more internal stuff on the day to day. 

1. Deal with the economic guilt that I have 

2. Deal with my body image issues 

3. Feel out your 9/5 job and see in what ways you need to change your life style and habits to accommodate for that

4. Learn to celebrate yourself and your achievements

5. Talk to your therapist more about your current romantic relationship 

[soos_mite_ah]

Questions I want to answer for myself in the next few years + things I want to learn about myself 

1. Figure out how to make friends as an adult
   • I have a good idea as to how to maintain and develop healthy friendships but as far as meeting people and going through the whole I guess platonic dating process, that's something that I haven't done outside of an school environment. I feel like out of all of these, I can probably tackle this first. 
2. Figure out whether I want a kid or not
   • I'm at a place where I either want 1 or none, not sure yet. I also don't know the means of which I would be having kids (i.e. adoption, birth etc.) but I know that if I have kids, I would want them in my 30s. Whether I decide to have a kid or not can determine how strong my urge to leave the U.S. is. It can also affect my dating life when it comes to aiming for marriage. 
3. Figure out what kind of career I want and what that trajectory looks like + navigating career transitions, corporate life etc. 
   • I feel like I have a good job but I'm still figuring out what kind of work I would be suited for and what will fulfill me. This can also impact where I want to live.
4. Figure out where I want to live and the best ways of going about doing that.
   • I know that I want to live in a walkable city and there is a part of me that really want to immigrate to New Zealand. But I need to have the money to do that and I want to have a clearer plan of how I want to execute this. Out of all of these, I feel like figuring this one out will take more money and planning based on answers to the previous two questions.

[soos_mite_ah]

On 1/29/2023 at 6:18 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Emotional To Do List 1/29/2023

These are some things that aren't in the list above that I am dealing with a therapist and that I want to emotionally be mindful of. I feel like the above list is largely stuff that I want to do to build myself externally wheras this is more internal stuff on the day to day. 

1. Deal with the economic guilt that I have I have dealt with a lot of this in therapy and by being in a healthy work place. I feel like I've been unwiring a lot of hustle culture mindsets as well as reconciling my emotions around economic justice. I feel like I need to work on my money habits and how restrictive I can be though. 

2. Deal with my body image issues I've had my ED flare up again and I feel like I have dealt with most of that flare up with the support of good friends and grounding myself by feeling my emotions, journalling, and reminding myself pieces of info that is more valid in truth rather than fatphobia and diet culture. 

3. Feel out your 9/5 job and see in what ways you need to change your life style and habits to accommodate for that I feel like I'm pretty settled into a schedule with a bunch of healthy habits. But I need to do a couple of small tweeks. 

• Need to declutter/ keep my space clean 
• Eat enough to fuel your body and regulate your mood 
• Have a more consistent sleep schedule

4. Learn to celebrate yourself and your achievements 

5. Talk to your therapist more about your current romantic relationship 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 3/6/2023 at 10:55 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Emotional To Do List 1/29/2023

These are some things that aren't in the list above that I am dealing with a therapist and that I want to emotionally be mindful of. I feel like the above list is largely stuff that I want to do to build myself externally wheras this is more internal stuff on the day to day. 

1. Deal with the economic guilt that I have I have dealt with a lot of this in therapy and by being in a healthy work place. I feel like I've been unwiring a lot of hustle culture mindsets as well as reconciling my emotions around economic justice. I feel like I need to work on my money habits and how restrictive I can be though.  I still have a tendency to be pretty stingy and anxious around money even though I don't feel the guilt of my priviledge anymore. I think a lot of it has to do with my relationship with my parents and there are some conversations that need to be had but I can only do that after I move out. 

2. Deal with my body image issues I've had my ED flare up again and I feel like I have dealt with most of that flare up with the support of good friends and grounding myself by feeling my emotions, journalling, and reminding myself pieces of info that is more valid in truth rather than fatphobia and diet culture. I'm still dealing with the flare up. I think I really need to move out of my parent's house to deal with this. The place is pretty triggering. 

3. Feel out your 9/5 job and see in what ways you need to change your life style and habits to accommodate for that I feel like I'm pretty settled into a schedule with a bunch of healthy habits. But I need to do a couple of small tweeks. 

• Need to declutter/ keep my space clean 
• Eat enough to fuel your body and regulate your mood 
• Have a more consistent sleep schedule

4. Learn to celebrate yourself and your achievements : Honestly, working with my boss at work and being around my boyfriend has helped a lot

5. Talk to your therapist more about your current romantic relationship: Done

Basically, I need to move out of my parent's house to figure out my relationship with money, heal my ED, and figure out some other things like where and how I want to live, creating a more independent identity by myself, figure out what to do about family relationships, figure out my career etc.  I honestly feel like I'm stagnating in my current environment and I'm itching to get out at this point. July here I come lol. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

To Do List 8/22

1. Decorate Your Apartment: 

• move in your couch 
• fix your dresser 
• buy bar stools 
• buy the remaining things on your list 
• put up the window / privacy film 

2. Get some nicer loungewear: A bunch of the lounge wear I have is really old (as in ranging from when I was in middle school to a couple years old) and are starting to get ratty. I also work from home and I think it's a good idea to get some nice clothes that I can wear around my place comfortably that will make me feel put together and that I can exercise in. 

3. Find a therapist: My old one has moved away for further studies and I'm currently taking a break from therapy to see how I feel about my living situation. 

4. Hang out with friends and have a conversation about your need for consistency in a relationship. 

5. Figure out your relationship with your parents: boundaries + having difficult conversations

6. Speak to a financial advisor regarding what to do with my money and what direction I'm heading in: I think this will ease my relationship with money so that I'm not on edge as much any more. 

7. Recommit to your career after taking a break 

8. Read the books from undergrad 

9. Start volunteering again with the school and start volunteering with the animal shelter

10. Explore my sexuality more with my partner 

Edited August 23, 2023 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 8/22/2023 at 9:23 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 8/22

1. Decorate Your Apartment: 

• move in your couch 
• fix your dresser : still need to do this 
• buy bar stools 
• buy the remaining things on your list
• put up the window / privacy film 

2. Get some nicer loungewear: A bunch of the lounge wear I have is really old (as in ranging from when I was in middle school to a couple years old) and are starting to get ratty. I also work from home and I think it's a good idea to get some nice clothes that I can wear around my place comfortably that will make me feel put together and that I can exercise in. 

3. Find a therapist: My old one has moved away for further studies and I'm currently taking a break from therapy to see how I feel about my living situation. 

4. Hang out with friends and have a conversation about your need for consistency in a relationship. 

5. Figure out your relationship with your parents: boundaries + having difficult conversations

6. Speak to a financial advisor regarding what to do with my money and what direction I'm heading in: I think this will ease my relationship with money so that I'm not on edge as much any more. I'm crossing this off because I'm going to delay speaking to an advisor next year and that I've achieved my goal in improving my relationship with money. 

7. Recommit to your career after taking a break 

8. Read the books from undergrad 

9. Start volunteering again with the school and start volunteering with the animal shelter : will start in October so I'm crossing this off since it's taken care of. 

10. Explore my sexuality more with my partner 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

How I see my life in a year or so: 

Basically, in a year or so I hope to be more focused careerwise now that I know what direction I'm heading in and I hope to implement habits that really supports all of that. 

Habits to Implement More Regularly: 

• Reading the News 
• Journalling 
• Reading 1 book a week 
• Working Out (just temporarily fell out of the habit) 
• Taking Notes at my Job + helping my team + career dev + doing things that will help me get a promotion 
• Studying up on desired career paths 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also hope to tackle various materialistic itches that I have. I'm just going to list thing out here: 

Materialistic Things I Want:

• Physical Looks 
  • Buy some nicer clothes that suit your life style 
  • Take care of your hair: deep condition regularly, get a hair cut maybe, figure this out lol 
  • Continue the skincare regimine your dermatologist put you on 
  • Continue exercising + get a walking pad 
  • Have more of a self maintence routine 
• Add finishing touches to your place: art work, seasonal stuff, etc. 
• Save for big ticket items on your spread sheet 
• Learn to cook more meals so that I'm not solely living off of various girl dinners. 
• Look into more ways of making money for an additional source of income 
• Travel a couple of times

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are also some less materialistic things for self improvment that I have on my list

Non-Materialistic Things I Want:

• Figure out how to deal with family relationships 
• Have better body image 
• Figure out if you want to have kids 
• Deal with the issue of Misery Pollution 
• Have more specific details on my dream career

I wrote in my main journal about how I am seeing myself going into a more materialistic phase of my life and how that's coming from a healthy place rather than me abandoning my values and more spiritual goals. That's a whole thing that I'm not going to get into here since I try to be more succinct in this journal but yeah.... I'm focusing on the more materialistic aspects of my life at this time for my self development. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 9/17/2022 at 7:22 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Prerequisites Before Doing Psychedelics 

This doesn't include precautions like testing, having a trip sitter, measuring dosages etc. This has more to do with things that I want to make sure I have done before choosing to experiment.  

• Be over 25: Need to have the prefrontal cortex developed. Don't want to mess up my neurological development. 
• Have at least 2 years of mental stability. I don't want to see demons and shit. This means for 2 years there are: 
  • No anxiety attacks
  • no depressive episodes
  • healthy habits are in place 
  • exercising regularly 
  • be mindful of the content you consume
  • Deal with most traumatic events and process them to where they don't hold you back or effect you
    • These are in green because I cannot cross them out because it hasn't been 2 years yet but so far, 9+ months into 2022, I am on track. 
    • I will say that I did drop the ball after dealing with some stuff this summer regarding mass shootings but generally speaking, I have been able to maintain a base line of stability and while I don't always feel my best, that bedrock of stability is already established and I can bounce back from things. I'm crossing that out for this reason. 
• Have basic survival dealt with in a sustainable/ conscious way:
  • can financially support myself without being anxious about money 
  • in a job that I find fulfilling if not at the very least bearable 
  • have healthy and fulfilling relationships (both platonic and romantic) 
  • health wise I'm doing well and not on any medication that could interfere with psychedelics 
• Be firmly into stage yellow in spiral dynamics and be firmly aware in the strategist and construct aware stages in the 9 stages of ego development
  • Exhaust unhealthy stage green tendencies
  • Deal with any emotional hang ups from the previous stages 
    • I have looked at my previous notes regarding where I see myself on the spiral and the 9 stages of ego development model and I feel like I'm more or less on track for this. The remaining stuff I need to sort out have to do with connecting to my life purpose and career which will require more time and life experiences. 
  • Continue quality self education after college
• Educate yourself on mystical traditions, nonduality, and philosophy for a couple months or so 
  • familiarize with stage turquoise/ unitive aware stage and concepts 
  • watch Leo's videos on nonduality and psychedelic usage (been ignoring them for now because I'm simply not ready) 
• Travel to a place where you can do this with the supervision of a professional and where this is legal 
  • could include/ mean visiting a shaman or doing it in a country where it is legal and regulated 

Basically, all there is left to do is wait for a bit, educate myself after things have been set and then find a way to do things safely when time comes. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 2/12/2023 at 7:38 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Questions I want to answer for myself in the next few years + things I want to learn about myself 

1. Figure out how to make friends as an adult
   • I have a good idea as to how to maintain and develop healthy friendships but as far as meeting people and going through the whole I guess platonic dating process, that's something that I haven't done outside of an school environment. I feel like out of all of these, I can probably tackle this first. 
     • I do have a good idea about how to go about doing it but honestly, I think I will need to relocate outside of Dallas to put things to the test and learn from experience. 
2. Figure out whether I want a kid or not
   • I'm at a place where I either want 1 or none, not sure yet. I also don't know the means of which I would be having kids (i.e. adoption, birth etc.) but I know that if I have kids, I would want them in my 30s. Whether I decide to have a kid or not can determine how strong my urge to leave the U.S. is. It can also affect my dating life when it comes to aiming for marriage. 
     • Have a whole journal dedicated to this topic
3. Figure out what kind of career I want and what that trajectory looks like + navigating career transitions, corporate life etc. 
   • I feel like I have a good job but I'm still figuring out what kind of work I would be suited for and what will fulfill me. This can also impact where I want to live.
4. Figure out where I want to live and the best ways of going about doing that.
   • I know that I want to live in a walkable city and there is a part of me that really want to immigrate to New Zealand. But I need to have the money to do that and I want to have a clearer plan of how I want to execute this. Out of all of these, I feel like figuring this one out will take more money and planning based on answers to the previous two questions.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/18/2022 at 8:29 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

How I see my life in a year or so: 
Think of this as a list of things I am ~~**manifesting**~~

• Have a job that supports me and have some savings + additional financial literacy 
  • figure out investments + savings + budgetting 
• Not chronically online 
• Maintain and deepen current relationships both platonically and romantically 
• Get clearer regarding what I want out of my career + figure out my next move
  • Do I want to or need to go to grad school? If so for what? 
  • What industry do I want to work in ?
  • What kind of job and lifestyle suits me and my current place in my life? 
• Partake in my hobbies regularly + volunteering 
  • writing, tutoring, exploring my interests etc. 
• Continue to exercise regularly 
  • have a gym membership and a few classes you go to 
• Rest and recuperate physically and mentally by having good boundaries and having a fullfilling but not overly full life so I have time to myself 
  • deal with my adrenal fatigue regarding family and school 
  • invest in active and passive rest 
• Go on another trip
  • travel with friends, significant other, or solo (I'm not going to get to this item this year but I do have something already planned for next year >> crossing this out for that reason)
• Get clearer on what I want out of my life given the stability I have created for myself
  • I have a good life now, but what does a great life look like? 
  • What does a healthy amount of challenge and purpose look like for me specifically? 
  • How do I finance these goals if life style changes are applicable (i.e. ideal place of living, moving to a new place, savings etc.)? 
  • Finding friends who push me to grow 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

The first post in this page is from 9/17/2022. It's now 9/19/2023. I can't believe I have captured pretty much an entire year within this page.

On one hand I like how I can get a birds eye view on my growth without having to be clicking through different pages. I'm also excited that I was able to grow and improve my life greatly without having to pour everything into self development. And by that I mean that I no longer feel like I have a long laundry list of things that I have to deal with and really have a lazer focus on. The foundation has already been set.

At the same time, on the other hand I think this is coming from how I didn't journal as much this year as I would previously. So while I'm glad I don't have to get into the dirt and put in a fuck ton of work, I still want to make sure I'm putting effort towards myself and that I always have things to aim for, no matter how big or small. 

[soos_mite_ah]

To Do List 1/5 

1. Figure out boundaries with family and discuss the following topics in therapy:
   • My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip
   • Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained in my main journal.
   • What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends.
   • My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea. 
   • How to deal with family relationships going forward + what certain conversations look like. 
2. Get a haircut: I've been looking like an egg recently lol and I want to also try something new. 
3. Be more aligned with my values: 
   • Start volunteering at a homeless shelter 
   • Learn to engage with right wing people 
   • Plan out your trip to Washington D.C. and your month long trip in the later part of the year.
4. Get that promotion at work (will be in June/July)
   1. Contribute more to your team meetings and gain more expertise in the software I specialize in. 
5. Start meal prepping so you aren't always eating girl dinners: I started doing like a Hello Fresh meal kit once a month so that I can introduce myself to new recepies here and there and I think it's been helping. 
6. Research your career in journalism more: also part of the preparing for D.C trip

[soos_mite_ah]

On 1/5/2024 at 9:49 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 1/5 

1. Figure out boundaries with family and discuss the following topics in therapy:
   • My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip
   • Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained in my main journal.
   • What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends.
   • My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea:  Started talking about this
   • How to deal with family relationships going forward + what certain conversations look like : I feel like I have made a lot of good progress here and I want to acknowledge that but there is so much that I still want to discuss in therapy that I don't want to cross it out. 
2. Get a haircut: I've been looking like an egg recently lol and I want to also try something new. Got appointment made so I'm going to cross it out
3. Be more aligned with my values: 
   • Start volunteering at a homeless shelter 
   • Learn to engage with right wing people 
   • Plan out your trip to Washington D.C. and your month long trip in the later part of the year.
4. Get that promotion at work (will be in June/July)
   1. Contribute more to your team meetings and gain more expertise in the software I specialize in. 
5. Start meal prepping so you aren't always eating girl dinners: I started doing like a Hello Fresh meal kit once a month so that I can introduce myself to new recepies here and there and I think it's been helping. 
6. Research your career in journalism more: also part of the preparing for D.C trip

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 1/25/2024 at 3:49 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 1/5 

1. Figure out boundaries with family and discuss the following topics in therapy:
   • My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip
   • Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained in my main journal.
   • What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends.
   • My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea:  Started talking about this
   • How to deal with family relationships going forward + what certain conversations look like :  I feel like I have enuough clarity around this situation to cross it off. I still want to talk about a few more things with my dad and my therapist. 
   • Get a haircut: I've been looking like an egg recently lol and I want to also try something new. Got appointment made so I'm going to cross it out
2. Be more aligned with my values: 
   • Start volunteering at a homeless shelter 
   • Learn to engage with right wing people 
   • Plan out your trip to Washington D.C. and your month long trip in the later part of the year. I want the D.C. trip to finish up first before thinking about the other trip. 
3. Get that promotion at work (will be in June/July): crossing this bullet off because I'm on track
   1. Contribute more to your team meetings and gain more expertise in the software I specialize in. 
4. Start meal prepping so you aren't always eating girl dinners: I started doing like a Hello Fresh meal kit once a month so that I can introduce myself to new recepies here and there and I think it's been helping. 
5. Research your career in journalism more: also part of the preparing for D.C trip