Self Development To Do List

[soos_mite_ah]

My main journal is messy because I pour a lot of my contemplations and thoughts there. I read through the pages of my main journal and took note of the things I have been telling myself that I'll work on to compile a list of my objectives.

I'm using this journal as a succinct way of tracking my progress. I'm going to roughly update this twice a month. I want this to be a more clean cut way of looking at my progress so that I don't have to read through my entire journal to get an idea. I normally encourage comments in my journal but because I want to keep this place clean cut, I don't want any comments on here. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Original To Do List

I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around  75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items)  , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal.

I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm

~~~***manifesting***~~~

1. Gain clarity about career/life purpose
2. Retake the life purpose course
3. Get an internship
4. Achieve financial freedom
5. Move out of my parents’ house
6. Cultivate a clear vision (main character energy)
7. Stop demonizing capitalism
8. Stop procrastinating
9. Be gentle with yourself
10. Create more discipline through empathy
11. Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies
12. Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself
13. Don’t compare yourself to others
14. Work through shame
15. Heal body image issues
16. Do fun self care things like taking a bath, face masks, etc.
17. Build your social life
18. Make friends and get into a short term relationship
19. Deal with social anxiety
20. Stop seeing yourself as  weird, inherently unlovable, and unworthy of connections
21. Stop feeling like you have to be 100% perfect in order to be loved
22. Deal with the fear of running out of things to say
23. Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy)
24. Get out more, go to a few parties, go to a rave
25. Shadow work
26. Deal with your issues around competence
27. Step into your main character energy by:
28. Romanticizing your life by being gentle with yourself
29. Having a clear vision and purpose
30. Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety
31. Creating more confidence
32. Deal with spiritual ego
33. Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self
34. Integrate basic bitch energy and stop thinking you’re weird
35. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing

Edited March 20, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

3/23/2021 Being in Progress

I bolded the stuff that is in progress at the moment and wrote down some stuff that I'm doing on the side as a reference. I haven't completed anything (I mean I came up with this list 3 days ago) but this is a good way to see where I'm at and give credit where it's due. I italicized the stuff that I can't take care of at the moment or that I'm purposefully delaying because of my circumstance. 

On 3/20/2021 at 4:50 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The Original To Do List

I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around  75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items)  , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal.

I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm

~~~***manifesting***~~~

1. Gain clarity about career/life purpose
2. Retake the life purpose course
3. Get an internship: Applied to a bunch just waiting to hear back
4. Achieve financial freedom: Need to focus on getting my degree and an internship first
5. Move out of my parents’ house: Applied for housing for my dorm. Planning to get out in August
6. Cultivate a clear vision (main character energy)
7. Stop demonizing capitalism: Cut down on the leftist media I was consuming. It's good to be aware of certain things but always focusing on it can be detrimental  
8. Stop procrastinating: I have a better sleep schedule and eating habits and I noticed that it's helping but I still have ways to go
9. Be gentle with yourself
10. Create more discipline through empathy
11. Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Did multiple  journal posts about it and where I'm at.
12. Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself: bought myself something nice the other day. It was uncomfortable and panic inducing but I did that. 
13. Don’t compare yourself to others: Deleted my social media. That has been helping. But I think the real test will be when I go back to school
14. Work through shame: Did a whole journal post about it and where I'm at
15. Heal body image issues: Still have my insecurities but I've been more comfortable with wearing whatever I want. 
16. Do fun self care things like taking a bath, face masks, etc: I've been doing this more often even if it is something small like remembering to put on lotion before bed or lighting candles at night
17. Build your social life: Been more in touch with my friends but I do intend on making new friends once the mess clears up and I can go out again.
18. Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID
19. Deal with social anxiety
20. Stop seeing yourself as  weird, inherently unlovable, and unworthy of connections: Been mindful of this by catching my negative thoughts and consciously change them into something positive
21. Stop feeling like you have to be 100% perfect in order to be loved: stopped isolating myself from my friends in the name of self development (cocooning). 
22. Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: I'm just going to let myself be imperfect for a minute because I'm already working on a lot of things
23. Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID
24. Get out more, go to a few parties, go to a rave: stuck in the house because of COVID
25. Shadow work
26. Deal with your issues around competence:  Did multiple  journal posts about it and where I'm at.
27. Step into your main character energy by:
28. Romanticizing your life by being gentle with yourself: I've been trying to view myself and my life as this ethereal and beautiful thing. I've been dipping my toe in to that mindset. 
29. Having a clear vision and purpose
30. Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID
31. Creating more confidence
32. Deal with spiritual ego
33. Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Haven't watched Leo's videos in a minute and I think that break has been helping. I've mainly been taking in content about things that simply interests me without tying it back to self improvement.
34. Integrate basic bitch energy and stop thinking you’re weird: The Pinterest board I made the other day helped tbh. 
35. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

3/23/2021 Being In Progress Part 2 

This part 2 is just me copying and pasting relevant journal entries from the previous post

7 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Did multiple  journal posts about it and where I'm at.

I did multiple journal posts on this but I thought I post one of them that summarizes my key takeaways that I  intend on integrating. 

On 3/11/2021 at 3:40 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 5: Things I Have Learned from Contemplating and Journaling About this Topic

I was contemplating about my relationship with competence as an identity for the last week or so. It was only yesterday where I felt that my thoughts were organized enough to put it into writing. And in doing so, it helped me recognize more clearly my takeaways from contemplating this subject, how I have grown, and some things I want to integrate going forward. Here it is. A TLDR of sorts: 

You don't have to have everything figured out. You have your whole life to do that, there is no need to rush the process of self development. There might be a pressure to for a variety of reasons but nothing is going to stop you from going at your own pace. You're always where you need to be. You are always in your potential. There is no race. There is no way you can be ahead or behind someone even if it might seem that way in different aspects of life. You're always going at your own pace whether you like it or not. The only illusion is the pressure you put on yourself and that's not doing anything but making the journey more difficult. And it's ok that you made the mistake to put that kind of pressure on yourself. That is understandable given the environment we're in. Being ahead is an illusion, because how can you be ahead if there is only you?  There is no set backs, no stagnation, no getting ahead even if we use those words because growth isn't a race and all of those things are projections from the ego in relation to where the ego wants to be in relation to where it feels it's at right now. 

Learning from your own mistakes is a very individualized process of self help. It's a given as a part of life as we are all given different circumstances to integrate and learn from. Sure you can learn from the life lessons of others and avoid the traps they went through. In fact that is a sign of wisdom. But even then, you will still have your own mistakes you're going to learn from. That's nothing to be afraid of or to beat yourself up for. It won't ruin your life even if you do have to deal with a set back. You will learn what you need to learn from it. We're all here to learn different things in our lives at our own pace. The mistakes and the lessons you learn from those mistakes are going to be different from that of other people and that's ok. 

Everything will be ok. You will figure things out in due time. 

It's also important to be mindful of the media you're consuming. Often times we think of toxic relationships in terms of family, friends, and significant others but considering parasocial relationships are also important. Your head might not agree with what's being said but you're heart and your subconscious mind is always listening. Even if you get a lot of value from a source, it's still important to consider the bad since the influence can still impact you. 

Your value and deservingness of help isn't determined by how good or bad your mental health state is. You're not a bad person for dealing with issues. You don't have to be 100% put together in order to be worthy of connection. You're not self centered or weak for having anxiety. You aren't ungrateful for having depression and it isn't a good idea to guilt trip yourself into being grateful because that isn't authentic. Adding more shame won't help your situation. Toxic positivity is very real. Depression isn't something to be ashamed of and expressing that you are upset doesn't automatically mean you're in a victim mentality and that you aren't taking responsibility. Competence and chaos are both a part of you. You are everything. There is no need to create a shadow by swing the pendulum in one way or the other. You don't have to peaceful and joyous all the time. What you feel is valid. 

It's ok to keep your hobbies and your friends. Your needs and boundaries are valid. They don't make you any less competent, any less conscious, or any less of a person. Transcending is important but so is honoring your form. Getting attached to detachment is a real thing. Again, don't rush the process of development, it isn't a good idea and you can misconstrue meanings to hurt yourself and others.. There are somethings you aren't ready to integrate because you haven't built a solid foundation or because you haven't exhausted a need yet. And that's ok. This isn't a race, you have your whole life to figure things out. Meet your needs, honor your boundaries, explore your personalities, hobbies, interests and preferences. You can do those things with a mindset of exploration rather than a mindset of attachment. Just because you know the self and it's needs are an illusion and based in survival/selfishness doesn't mean that you can't honor and cherish the illusion. That's why you came down to experience duality. Your needs are valid and it's important to be in touch with them. You aren't any less competent for having needs. Even if you achieve so called "enlightenment" you will still have needs and that's fine. 

All of the growth you did before is still there. It's just dormant because of your surroundings and circumstances. Your growth wasn't taken from you in this backlash. That person you miss from a year ago is still there. 

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7 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Work through shame: Did a whole journal post about it and where I'm at

And here it is:

On 3/11/2021 at 2:27 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame Revisited

On 2/1/2021 at 10:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame 

I have had a lot of shame built up in me in the last few years. I'm going to list somethings I'm currently ashamed of out as an effort to reflect so that I can make an effort to work through it. 

• my grades and performance in school
• my lack of direction when it comes to what I want to pursue as a career or how to get into grad school 
• my lack of social life 
• my weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality 
• how I feel like the trauma aged me 
• how I have been in hermit mode working on myself 
• how I'm taking time off of college to work on my mental health therefore making me graduate a year late
• not meeting my own potential/ feeling like a blob of wasted potential
• the fact that I'm on antidepressants 
• my neurosis since I base my self worth on my well being
• some of the fantasies I want to fulfill in a relationship 
• what I have to say (sometimes I wonder if what I have to say has any value at all) 
• how I have been taking things slow/ not performing like I used to- it makes me feel like I peaked in high school.  (I remember in high school I juggled a sport, get straight A's in honor's courses and community college classes, two volunteer jobs, an internship, extra curricular activities, and still had 80% of my energy left that I used to work on myself and my emotional traumas. Now, I can't even get straight A's in college and I have to keep a close eye on my mental health.) 
• questioning my sexual orientation 
• my physical health and how that has impacted the way I look 
• any amount of social awkwardness

I feel like in this last month or so I worked through a lot of shame. Even though I still have problems in my life, I no longer beat myself up for some of them. I see this as an example of being more gentle with myself. I'm proud of myself for that. I deleted all of my social media a while ago and I think that really helped me mind my own business. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Life Purpose Course To Do List

I retook the life purpose course. I found that I have a pretty solid grasp of the concepts, my values, and my strengths. But there are something that I need to reexplore. The last time I took the course, I did it too fast therefore I didn't give myself enough time to contemplate and develop careful answers to the exercises. Even though the same could be said about defining my values and strengths in the hands on part of the course, I contemplated those things a lot after the course which is why they have a better foundation. 

My current purpose is to find my purpose. Here are somethings I need to do. I'm going to avoid going too much into detail with this because I don't want to leak the content in the course regarding the exercises I need to look into.

Things to do/ contemplate

• Burn through superficial desires and experience life (travel, relationships, parties etc.)
• Explore my interests and find a way to connect them 
• Find some role models and look into biographies
• Deal with fears and limiting beliefs
• Find your niche and medium
• Build good habits
  • Wake up on time
  • Build structure in life
  • Exercise
  • Networking / seminars

Videos I need to come back to: 

• 58 - Life Purpose Exercise #1 (16:34)
• 59 - Life Purpose Exercise #2 (11:00)
• 60 - Life Purpose Exercise #3 (11:00)
• 61 - Life Purpose Exercise #4 (9:00)
• 62 - Life Purpose Exercise #5 (25:29)
• 63 - Life Purpose Exercise #6 (17:45)
• 77 - Going From Abstract To Concrete (31:43)
• 83 - Finding Your Niche (34:08)
• 67 - Impact Statement (11:51)
• 69 - Bringing It All Together (9:56)
• 70 - The Me Sheet (11:00)

[soos_mite_ah]

4/10/2021 Being in Progress

I bolded the stuff that is in progress at the moment and wrote down some stuff that I'm doing on the side as a reference. I have completed some of the things on this list so I have crossed those out but again writing things on the side this is a good way to see where I'm at and give credit where it's due. I italicized the stuff that I can't take care of at the moment or that I'm purposefully delaying because of my circumstance. 

I know it's been only about 3 weeks since I created the list and it might seem too quick to cross things out but the thing is that I have been reflecting on these items and I had them written down before I compiled everything on this journal. I've been working on a lot of these things since like early February tbh. This journal just helps me organize and track my progress more efficiently. 

On 3/20/2021 at 4:50 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The Original To Do List

I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around  75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items)  , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal.

I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm

~~~***manifesting***~~~

1. Gain clarity about career/life purpose
2. Retake the life purpose course: done
3. Get an internship: done
4. Achieve financial freedom
5. Move out of my parents’ house: I'm crossing this out because I pretty much have this planned out and under control. I haven't moved out yet but there isn't much I can do to further this goal at this point. 
6. Cultivate a clear vision (main character energy): I have a clear idea with where I need to go next:  I believe that is sufficient as of right now because there are somethings I need to get done before I get a more big picture understanding with where I want to go. I'm trying to not get too ahead of myself prematurely and taking things step by step. 
7. Stop demonizing capitalism: cutting out leftist media and watching Leo's older content helped a lot to shift my focus
8. Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school.
9. Be gentle with yourself
10. Create more discipline through empathy: done
11. Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything
12. Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself: Still uncomfortable but I'm getting better
13. Don’t compare yourself to others: Made a lot of progress on this by understanding my priorities better and understanding why I used to fall into the trap of comparing myself. 
14. Work through shame: I worked through a lot of the shame but I noticed some new ones come to the surface. 
15. Heal body image issues: I feel very neutral about my flaws and in some instances I even feel positively about them. I don't find myself beating myself like I used to. 
16. Do fun self care things like taking a bath instead of a shower, face masks, etc.: Found this to be helpful and I worked it into my routine more. I used to see this as a way to indulge myself as a treat but now I'm thinking that this is important to have in my routine so that I emotionally take care of myself and let myself relax. 
17. Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID
18. Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID
19. Deal with social anxiety
20. Stop seeing yourself as  weird, inherently unlovable, and unworthy of connections: Taking a break from "fixing things" helped me become more centered
21. Stop feeling like you have to be 100% perfect in order to be loved: Taking a break from "fixing things" helped me become more centered
22. Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: I'm just going to let myself be imperfect for a minute because I'm already working on a lot of things
23. Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID
24. Get out more, go to a few parties, go to a rave: I realized that this isn't much of a goal anymore and that I simply don't want to and that I was just repressed when I wrote this out. 
25. Shadow work
26. Deal with your issues around competence: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything
27. Step into your main character energy by:
28. Romanticizing your life by being gentle with yourself: done
29. Having a clear vision and purpose: mentioned this already done (see #6)
30. Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID
31. Creating more confidence: I feel like I'm in a more confident head space after doing everything that I've been doing but I think there is room for improvement mainly on how confident I feel with my boundaries and what I authentically want. I think I will basically deal with this in the process of working through shame
32. Deal with spiritual ego
33. Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Still taking a break from Leo's deeper content
34. Integrate basic bitch energy and stop thinking you’re weird
35. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing

Edited April 10, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Cleaning Up 

I crossed out a lot of things and I just wanted to clean things up so it's easier for me to organize my thoughts and follow along. I also rearranged the items on the list that I can't do because I'm stuck in the house and I moved them to the bottom. 

The Original To Do List

I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around  75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items)  , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal.

I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm

~~~***manifesting***~~~

1. Gain clarity about career/life purpose
2. Achieve financial freedom: Need to focus on getting my degree and an internship first
3. Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school.
4. Be gentle with yourself
5. Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything
6. Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself: Still uncomfortable but I'm getting better
7. Work through shame: I worked through a lot of the shame but I noticed some new ones come to the surface. 
8. Deal with social anxiety
9. Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: I'm just going to let myself be imperfect for a minute because I'm already working on a lot of things
10. Shadow work
11. Deal with your issues around competence: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything
12. Creating more confidence: I feel like I'm in a more confident head space after doing everything that I've been doing but I think there is room for improvement mainly on how confident I feel with my boundaries and what I authentically want. I think I will basically deal with this in the process of working through shame
13. Deal with spiritual ego
14. Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Taking a break from Leo's deeper content has helped.
15. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing
16. Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID
17. Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID
18. Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID
19. Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID

Edited April 10, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I have dealt with much of what was on the original list 

On 2/1/2021 at 10:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame 

I have had a lot of shame built up in me in the last few years. I'm going to list somethings I'm currently ashamed of out as an effort to reflect so that I can make an effort to work through it. 

• my grades and performance in school
• my lack of direction when it comes to what I want to pursue as a career or how to get into grad school 
• my lack of social life 
• my weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality 
• how I feel like the trauma aged me 
• how I have been in hermit mode working on myself 
• how I'm taking time off of college to work on my mental health therefore making me graduate a year late
• not meeting my own potential/ feeling like a blob of wasted potential
• the fact that I'm on antidepressants 
• my neurosis since I base my self worth on my well being
• some of the fantasies I want to fulfill in a relationship 
• what I have to say (sometimes I wonder if what I have to say has any value at all) 
• how I have been taking things slow/ not performing like I used to- it makes me feel like I peaked in high school.  (I remember in high school I juggled a sport, get straight A's in honor's courses and community college classes, two volunteer jobs, an internship, extra curricular activities, and still had 80% of my energy left that I used to work on myself and my emotional traumas. Now, I can't even get straight A's in college and I have to keep a close eye on my mental health.) 
• questioning my sexual orientation 
• my physical health and how that has impacted the way I look 
• any amount of social awkwardness

Now it's time to make a new list 

• My weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality 
• My boundaries and what I want in a relationship and how I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship
• Any amount of social awkwardness 
• Returning back to school and facing my professors (this is more anxiety inducing but the root of it is shame regarding competence) 

Since the list is relatively short, I think I'm going to introspect and journal about them in my main journal. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Getting the Fundamentals Down (Actualized.org in 2013-2014)

Even though I have been taking a break from deep spiritual topics, I found myself feeling less tired and more inspired. I still don't think I'm ready to dive back into deep topics but I think that it's a good idea to focus on more basic self help since having a solid foundation for spiritual work is essential. I decided to look back at Leo's content from 2013 to 2014  in order to do this. I realized that I already integrated much of the topics there so that was a thing of reassurance and a measure of where I was at. His content back then was largely stage orange to the point where I kept getting ads for Tony Robbins/ get rich quick / wealth oriented self development lmao. But that was important for me to run through since I tend to get caught up on criticizing things like capitalism and materialism. 

While watching these videos, I found a handful that I find that I could really revisit and integrate into my solid foundation. Here they are. 

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Getting the Fundamentals Down (Noah Elkrief)

I finally got around to watching all of Noah Elkrief's videos. His earlier videos especially was really repetitive in how he used the same examples and the same over arching lessons. I watched all of them anyway as a way to integrate the few messages that were there and burn it into my subconscious mind to the point where it feels like common sense. I also journaled and contemplated about the messages for myself as well.

 In addition to that, I went ahead and included the videos that I really need to integrate for my solid foundation below:

Edited April 18, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 4/11/2021 at 1:00 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Getting the Fundamentals Down (Actualized.org in 2013-2014)

Even though I have been taking a break from deep spiritual topics, I found myself feeling less tired and more inspired. I still don't think I'm ready to dive back into deep topics but I think that it's a good idea to focus on more basic self help since having a solid foundation for spiritual work is essential. I decided to look back at Leo's content from 2013 to 2014  in order to do this. I realized that I already integrated much of the topics there so that was a thing of reassurance and a measure of where I was at. His content back then was largely stage orange to the point where I kept getting ads for Tony Robbins/ get rich quick / wealth oriented self development lmao. But that was important for me to run through since I tend to get caught up on criticizing things like capitalism and materialism. 

While watching these videos, I found a handful that I find that I could really revisit and integrate into my solid foundation. Here they are. 

How to Give Advice  I integrated this by forgiving myself and letting myself take the time to figure things out. I know that seems unrelated to this topic but it helped me resolve a shadow in me that has to do with this video because the whole point of it was to be sparing with advice and let people figure things out on their own because sometimes they need to go through that process to cement a piece of wisdom. 

How to Stop Procrastinating

Self Expression - How To Express Yourself & Find Your Authentic Creative Voice

Fear of Public Speaking  I didn't act on this yet but I don't think I need the whole video to know what to do. Basically, when you get the oppotunity, join a toast masters and get used to public speaking. Then you'll be comfortable with it. 

Overcoming Adversity 

Positive Thinking I watched Noah Elkrief's videos numerous times and I think the message that was in this video has been ingrained into me at this point. 

How to Become Optimistic Right Now

Openmindedness - A Huge Overlooked Obstacle To Self Improvement I realized after some journaling that I actually don't have much of a problem with this. Disagreements and honoring your perspectives does not mean  you're attached to those things nor does it mean you're dogmatic or closed minded. 

How To Follow Advice Without Betraying Yourself I think honoring my perspective and preferences took care of this one. Journaling helped. 

I decided to post the videos in this format so that I can cross them out and write out how I've integrated it. This is just to keep this clean cut. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Parasocial Relationships: Energy I'm Trying to Take in

So I'm trapped in the house with my parents and as much as I love them, they aren't the healthiet people to be around. Because I'm not in a place to just move out at this moment, to cope with this energy, I have decided to go to youtube and find some better influences that can keep me on track and sane. I'm intrigued by the concept of a parasocial relationship and how people in the media can have a relationship with their audience while it being one sided. Even though people often view parasocial relationships in a negative light because of the way people can be crazy with their fandoms, I found that with me, I don't really get attached to media influences as much as I've been getting older but certain people's energies can have a positive or negative impact on me. Since I can reduce the negative influences only so much because I'm living in the same house as my parents, I'm trying to increase the positive influences. 

This particular set of content creators I feel have a good integration of healthy orange and green and they express it in a very gentle way. Even though I know, understand, and integrated a lot of the stuff they are talking about, for me again, is more about taking in that type of positive energy. This is going to sound weird but I like how they have a good balance of basic/mainstream and spiritual. I've been trying to integrate my more basic side recently so that I can stop seeing myself as some type of weird kid but at the same time I don't want to act out of inauthenticity and throw out everything that makes me unique at the same time by throwing the baby out with the bath water. This is going to probably sound even weirder but I noticed that I have similar values and interests as a lot of these people and in a way I like to think of their content and taking in to integrate their energy as a way to embody the energy I'm trying to attract particularly with friendships. I'm trying to ~manifest~ the type of friends I want and that I resonate with and I'm doing the whole practice of acting as if in the form of parasocial relationships in order to do that. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 4/1/2021 at 9:29 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Life Purpose Course To Do List

I retook the life purpose course. I found that I have a pretty solid grasp of the concepts, my values, and my strengths. But there are something that I need to reexplore. The last time I took the course, I did it too fast therefore I didn't give myself enough time to contemplate and develop careful answers to the exercises. Even though the same could be said about defining my values and strengths in the hands on part of the course, I contemplated those things a lot after the course which is why they have a better foundation. 

My current purpose is to find my purpose. Here are somethings I need to do. I'm going to avoid going too much into detail with this because I don't want to leak the content in the course regarding the exercises I need to look into.

Things to do/ contemplate

• Burn through superficial desires and experience life (travel, relationships, parties etc.)
• Explore my interests and find a way to connect them 
• Find some role models and look into biographies
• Deal with fears and limiting beliefs I think this is an on going process that gets revealed over time with different life experiences and contemplation. 
• Find your niche and medium
• Build good habits
  • Wake up on time
  • Build structure in life
  • Exercise
  • Networking / seminars

Videos I need to come back to: 

• 58 - Life Purpose Exercise #1 (16:34)
• 59 - Life Purpose Exercise #2 (11:00)
• 60 - Life Purpose Exercise #3 (11:00)
• 61 - Life Purpose Exercise #4 (9:00)
• 62 - Life Purpose Exercise #5 (25:29)
• 63 - Life Purpose Exercise #6 (17:45)
• 77 - Going From Abstract To Concrete (31:43)
• 83 - Finding Your Niche (34:08)
• 67 - Impact Statement (11:51)
• 69 - Bringing It All Together (9:56)
• 70 - The Me Sheet (11:00) I think this and the previous points are things that happen inevitably as I'm on the process of piecing together my purpose. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 4/10/2021 at 6:04 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I have dealt with much of what was on the original list [on shame]

Now it's time to make a new list 

• My weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality  I journaled about this, opened up with some people, and explored some more basic self help and I found that helped. I'm planning on expanding on this later on in my main journal. 
• My boundaries and what I want in a relationship and how I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship I journaled about this and revisited some more basic self help. I aired out the bs and blocked the influences that were causing me to adopt this mindset. 
• Any amount of social awkwardness I took notes and reflected on this topic. I also bought a few books that I believe will help me sort through this so I'm waiting on that. This is a pretty deep topic for me so it might take me a hot minute. 
• Returning back to school and facing my professors (this is more anxiety inducing but the root of it is shame regarding competence) I am dealing with this in therapy

Since the list is relatively short, I think I'm going to introspect and journal about them in my main journal. 

I felt like acknowledging my progress in this area of my development. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 4/10/2021 at 5:54 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Cleaning Up 

I crossed out a lot of things and I just wanted to clean things up so it's easier for me to organize my thoughts and follow along. I also rearranged the items on the list that I can't do because I'm stuck in the house and I moved them to the bottom. 

The Original To Do List

I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around  75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items)  , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal.

I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm

~~~***manifesting***~~~

1. Gain clarity about career/life purpose: While I don't know what my purpose it is to an exact point, I have long term goals and a general sense of direction regarding where I'm going. I think it's sufficient for now so I'm crossing it off. 
2. Achieve financial freedom: Crossing this out because it isn't something that I need to focus on right at this moment rather it is a longer term goal (gonna make a list of long term goals later on)
3. Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school.
4. Be gentle with yourself crossing this off because I achieved what I set out to do when I first made this list though I still have a bit to go
5. Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything  Went to therapy, sorted most of it out. I still have a couple things I need to revisit but I think I have a good handles on it to where I feel that I can cross it out. 
6. Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself: Still uncomfortable but I'm getting better done
7. Work through shame: I worked through a lot of the shame but I noticed some new ones come to the surface. Pretty much done, just need to address my social anxiety
8. Deal with social anxiety
9. Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: Bought a bunch of books, need to read through, reflect, and update my self image. 
10. Shadow work
11. Deal with your issues around competence: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything Went to therapy, sorted most of it out. I still have a couple things I need to revisit but I think I have a good handles on it to where I feel that I can cross it out. 
12. Creating more confidence: I feel like I'm in a more confident head space after doing everything that I've been doing but I think there is room for improvement mainly on how confident I feel with my boundaries and what I authentically want. I think I will basically deal with this in the process of working through shame  Pretty much done, just need to address my social anxiety
13. Deal with spiritual ego
14. Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Taking a break from Leo's deeper content has helped.
15. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing: Taking a break from deep content, visiting more basic forms of self help, focusing on just being, letting loose, and being gentle with myself has all helped with this.
16. Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID
17. Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID
18. Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID
19. Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Things to Carry Over from the Original To Do List

I crossed of a number of things in my last post and I feel like I'm in a place to create a new list.  But before I do that, since the last post is messy, I thought I'd clean it up a little to know what things I need to carry over. 

 

The Original To Do List

I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around  75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items)  , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal.

I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm

~~~***manifesting***~~~

1. Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school.
2. Deal with social anxiety
3. Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: Bought a bunch of books, need to read through, reflect, and update my self image.
4. Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID
5. Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID
6. Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID
7. Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID
8. Deal with spiritual ego
9. Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Taking a break from Leo's deeper content has helped.
10. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing: Taking a break from deep content, visiting more basic forms of self help, focusing on just being, letting loose, and being gentle with myself has all helped with this.

I think that I've done pretty well. I originally started out with 35 items and now I have 10 left meaning I completed 25 items. While I originally said that I was going to make a list when I finish 27 items, there are somethings on this list that I can't get to right a way because I'm stuck in the house therefore I'm giving myself some wiggle room for that. 

Now on to the New To Do List 

[soos_mite_ah]

To Do List 5/3/2021 

1. Address your social anxiety 
2. Deal with your issues around competence specifically how it makes you feel like you have to be on guard all the time and that you can't trust people (especially men and authority figures): Unpacking this in therapy 
3. Deal with your shame around being cringeworthy and awkward: Bought a bunch of books on this topic and have journaled about this so I know what I'm working with 
4. Deal with your spiritual ego and overthinking/ hyper analyzing by continuing your break from deeper content: Taking a break from deep content, visiting more basic forms of self help, focusing on just being, letting loose, and being gentle with myself has all helped with this.
5. Make it a point to acknowledge how far you've come by being gentle with yourself: Journaled about this and also bought a book to help me with this process
6. Update your self image: Journaled about this and bought a book 
7. Address your issues with oversharing 
8. Address your issues with your dismissive avoidant attachment style
9. Life Purpose: Revisit the following things from the life purpose course and really work through them
10.  Life Purpose Exercise #1 (16:34) (58)
11.  Life Purpose Exercise #2 (11:00) (59)
12. Going From Abstract To Concrete (31:43) (77)
13. Finding Your Niche (34:08) (83)

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Action Items to consider in the future regarding social anxiety (these aren't numbered because they aren't part of the to do list) 

• Build your social life
• Make friends and get into a short term relationship
• Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy)

Action Items to consider in the future regarding life purpose (again not numbered but just things to keep in mind and consider long term) 

• Burn through superficial desires and experience life (travel, relationships, parties etc.): Address a lot of this by working through your social anxiety
• Deal with fears and limiting belief:  I think this is an on going process that gets revealed over time with different life experiences and contemplation. Good thing I have a journaling habit and a meditation habit. 
• Financial independence: Long term goal that I need to eventually reach in the next couple years. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 4/11/2021 at 1:00 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Getting the Fundamentals Down (Actualized.org in 2013-2014)

Even though I have been taking a break from deep spiritual topics, I found myself feeling less tired and more inspired. I still don't think I'm ready to dive back into deep topics but I think that it's a good idea to focus on more basic self help since having a solid foundation for spiritual work is essential. I decided to look back at Leo's content from 2013 to 2014  in order to do this. I realized that I already integrated much of the topics there so that was a thing of reassurance and a measure of where I was at. His content back then was largely stage orange to the point where I kept getting ads for Tony Robbins/ get rich quick / wealth oriented self development lmao. But that was important for me to run through since I tend to get caught up on criticizing things like capitalism and materialism. 

While watching these videos, I found a handful that I find that I could really revisit and integrate into my solid foundation. Here they are"

How to Stop Procrastinating: I still find value in this video  so I'm not crossing it out

Self Expression - How To Express Yourself & Find Your Authentic Creative Voice: I feel like I integrated this pretty well 

Overcoming Adversity :I'm doing affirmations to take care of this one and it's working out pretty well

How to Become Optimistic Right Now: I don't have an issue with this anymore

Also, when it comes to the Noah Elkrief's videos that I included earlier, I think I integrated most of the messages in all of the videos except for the one on social anxiety and anger. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 5/3/2021 at 8:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 5/3/2021 

1. Deal with your shame around being cringeworthy and awkward

Forgot to include this post in this journal: 

On 4/26/2021 at 5:54 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward

So I'm going to be journaling and exploring why I am ashamed of any amount of social awkwardness. I'm going to start off with what I perceive as awkward on my end in the first place. 

The first 3 things have to do with my basic sense of shyness. 

Nervous about my interests: Did a whole post on how I'm self conscious about talking about spirituality and self development. I guess I could add that I have been spending a lot of time on myself to work through the issues in my life but that's typically not something that you could talk about with someone you aren't close to. I'm nervous about oversharing and making myself look mentally unhinged. As a result, I tend to under share about myself irl and I cope by getting the other person to talk about their interests and experiences so that I won't have to reveal anything about myself. I do reveal things eventually but only after I feel that the person can handle it depending on what I know about them.  

Being nervous around guys who I know are interested in me: I'm probably going to a whole post about this afterwards to delve in my perceptions of men. But I guess one of the big things is that I'm not used to male attention. I didn't catch anyone's eye through high school and middle school and then suddenly when I got to college I got guys hitting on me. And it wasn't just people in my college, a large portion of them were just people in public. It's just that, because I didn't encounter many situations like this growing up, I don't know what to do or how to react when something like this does happen. I just resort to saying thank you if a guy tells me I'm pretty followed by giggling nervously and trying to play off my awkwardness as me being shy and flattered so that it comes off as cute instead of weird. Most of this is lack of experience coming off as nervousness rather than nervousness tbh. 

Running out of things to say: I know silences are normal in a conversation but I'm nervous when I simply run out of things to say to the other person and I'm nervous that one of those awkward silences will last too long. I feel like it would make me seem uninteresting, as though if I don't have anything to talk about, people will think I probably don't have a life, I don't have interests, and I'm not doing anything with my life. I think the pandemic REALLY emphasized this because I definitely don't have a life now and as a result, I have even less things to talk about. This one thing gives me so much social anxiety. 

The next 3 things have to do with symptoms of my ADHD. I manage my ADHD well and I don't have a problem with functioning because I have really good coping skills but I don't like it when it slips out in social circumstances.

Rambling: Contradictory to me feeling self conscious about running out of things to say, I'm also nervous about rambling. Hell, I found myself being hesitant to write long posts in my journal because of this. I'm afraid of things being one sided, the other person being bored or confused with all that I have to say. I don't want to lecture to someone because I think it would be unempathetic, rude, and not conducive to bonding with someone. I've also been constantly told as a kid by my peers and the adults around me that I talk too much and that no one cares about what I have to say and I'm pretty sure that has caused me to retreat and be shy for a chunk of my life. 

Interrupting: This doesn't happen that often but I cringe at myself every time I get too excited about a topic or contributing to a conversation to where I interrupt someone. I feel like I'm being unempathetic to the other person and that I'm revealing myself to be a hyper active person with no impulse control. But at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to do this or else the other person will keep talking and I won't get a chance to express my point of view (this is rare though but I still feel bad when this happens). 

Talking too fast, stuttering, filler words and not making sense: My mind goes a million miles per hour sometimes. I can have 20 different ideas in a matter of a second. But it takes time to articulate all that and sometimes I feel like my mind moves faster than my ability to express myself. It's the reason why I can't write in journals. I have to type because or else I can't keep up with myself. The thing with writing is that I can organize my thoughts and rearrange them to where they would make sense. With  speaking on the other hand... well there is no backspace for my mouth. I'm scared of being seen as confusing, crazy, and not pleasant to be around because of this. 

This last one doesn't fall in any category, it's just kind of there tbh. 

Coming off as too positive: I have been told that I come off as positive and really confident by the way I carry myself and that I look like I have my life together. I have a weird relationship with coming off as positive. For a large chunk of my life I was angsty, depressed, and always ranting about something because being annoyed was basically my sense of humor. I had a group of friends but I thought that maybe I'd be more well liked if I was happy and bubbly. I don't know if I watched too much Charisma on Command the summer before college in order to reinvent myself or I read too many self help books talking about how people don't like being around negative people and how to be liked you have to be positive and upbeat. But when I eventually did get to a happier place in my life and I naturally came off as bubbly, I noticed that people still didn't like me and probably thought I was annoying for being a happy person. I'm afraid of coming off as a Tony Robbins sales person type of personality. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the the snake oil sales man type who acts happy and confident but it also looks really fake as if they are trying to craft this charismatic persona instead of being their normal self.  I know positivity can be toxic and cold when it's not backed up with empathy but I am still pretty empathetic (though I might not be as warm....?idk man). I know people have told me that they found me intimidating when they talk to me.  I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Me being negative would be me being a downer no one likes but me being positive would be me being a deluded idiot who is happy all the time because there is this assumption that I'm not aware of the awful stuff in the world or someone who is on a different plane of existence because I have my life together. As a kid I got bullied for being happy, bubbly, and nice, and as a teenager I got criticized for being angsty. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be socially normal ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And honestly, I don't know how much is me being hyper critical of myself because I went through a phase where I was weird and socially awkward in my early teen to preteen years (like many people) and this is me overcompensating, or how much of this is me cringing at myself because of my sense of self awareness and then how much of that self awareness is valid at the moment. I have talked about this with friends before and all of them tell me that I'm not awkward at all and if anything I come off as really socially competent. I think part of me still caries the self image of me from when I was 11-13 and socially awkward followed by when I was shy and quiet from 14-16.

[soos_mite_ah]

On 5/13/2021 at 0:47 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward

So I'm going to be journaling and exploring why I am ashamed of any amount of social awkwardness. I'm going to start off with what I perceive as awkward on my end in the first place. 

The first 3 things have to do with my basic sense of shyness. 

Nervous about my interests: Did a whole post on how I'm self conscious about talking about spirituality and self development. I guess I could add that I have been spending a lot of time on myself to work through the issues in my life but that's typically not something that you could talk about with someone you aren't close to. I'm nervous about oversharing and making myself look mentally unhinged. As a result, I tend to under share about myself irl and I cope by getting the other person to talk about their interests and experiences so that I won't have to reveal anything about myself. I do reveal things eventually but only after I feel that the person can handle it depending on what I know about them.  

Being nervous around guys who I know are interested in me: I'm probably going to a whole post about this afterwards to delve in my perceptions of men. But I guess one of the big things is that I'm not used to male attention. I didn't catch anyone's eye through high school and middle school and then suddenly when I got to college I got guys hitting on me. And it wasn't just people in my college, a large portion of them were just people in public. It's just that, because I didn't encounter many situations like this growing up, I don't know what to do or how to react when something like this does happen. I just resort to saying thank you if a guy tells me I'm pretty followed by giggling nervously and trying to play off my awkwardness as me being shy and flattered so that it comes off as cute instead of weird. Most of this is lack of experience coming off as nervousness rather than pure nervousness tbh. Lately, I've made peace with this. Tbh, I handle these situations well in general. I have dealt with some of my biases around guys in therapy. And finally I've addressed why I'm nervous about my lack of experience. I've come to the conclusion that if a guy is worth it, he wouldn't mind or make it super awkward because if he's worth it, we'd be really comfortable with each other emotionally outside of anything physical. A lot of it came down to accepting myself so that I feel like I can open up so that other people can also accept me as well. 

Running out of things to say: I know silences are normal in a conversation but I'm nervous when I simply run out of things to say to the other person and I'm nervous that one of those awkward silences will last too long. I feel like it would make me seem uninteresting, as though if I don't have anything to talk about, people will think I probably don't have a life, I don't have interests, and I'm not doing anything with my life. I think the pandemic REALLY emphasized this because I definitely don't have a life now and as a result, I have even less things to talk about. This one thing gives me so much social anxiety. 

The next 3 things have to do with symptoms of my ADHD. I manage my ADHD well and I don't have a problem with functioning because I have really good coping skills but I don't like it when it slips out in social circumstances.

Rambling: Contradictory to me feeling self conscious about running out of things to say, I'm also nervous about rambling. Hell, I found myself being hesitant to write long posts in my journal because of this. I'm afraid of things being one sided, the other person being bored or confused with all that I have to say. I don't want to lecture to someone because I think it would be unempathetic, rude, and not conducive to bonding with someone. I've also been constantly told as a kid by my peers and the adults around me that I talk too much and that no one cares about what I have to say and I'm pretty sure that has caused me to retreat and be shy for a chunk of my life. 

Interrupting: This doesn't happen that often but I cringe at myself every time I get too excited about a topic or contributing to a conversation to where I interrupt someone. I feel like I'm being unempathetic to the other person and that I'm revealing myself to be a hyper active person with no impulse control. But at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to do this or else the other person will keep talking and I won't get a chance to express my point of view (this is rare though but I still feel bad when this happens).  Dealt with this by understanding why this makes me cringe. I developed coping skills according to this and I think I'm good now. 

Talking too fast, stuttering, filler words and not making sense: My mind goes a million miles per hour sometimes. I can have 20 different ideas in a matter of a second. But it takes time to articulate all that and sometimes I feel like my mind moves faster than my ability to express myself. It's the reason why I can't write in journals. I have to type because or else I can't keep up with myself. The thing with writing is that I can organize my thoughts and rearrange them to where they would make sense. With  speaking on the other hand... well there is no backspace for my mouth. I'm scared of being seen as confusing, crazy, and not pleasant to be around because of this. 

This last one doesn't fall in any category, it's just kind of there tbh. 

Coming off as too positive: I have been told that I come off as positive and really confident by the way I carry myself and that I look like I have my life together. I have a weird relationship with coming off as positive. For a large chunk of my life I was angsty, depressed, and always ranting about something because being annoyed was basically my sense of humor. I had a group of friends but I thought that maybe I'd be more well liked if I was happy and bubbly. I don't know if I watched too much Charisma on Command the summer before college in order to reinvent myself or I read too many self help books talking about how people don't like being around negative people and how to be liked you have to be positive and upbeat. But when I eventually did get to a happier place in my life and I naturally came off as bubbly, I noticed that people still didn't like me and probably thought I was annoying for being a happy person. I'm afraid of coming off as a Tony Robbins sales person type of personality. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the the snake oil sales man type who acts happy and confident but it also looks really fake as if they are trying to craft this charismatic persona instead of being their normal self.  I know positivity can be toxic and cold when it's not backed up with empathy but I am still pretty empathetic (though I might not be as warm....?idk man). I know people have told me that they found me intimidating when they talk to me.  I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Me being negative would be me being a downer no one likes but me being positive would be me being a deluded idiot who is happy all the time because there is this assumption that I'm not aware of the awful stuff in the world or someone who is on a different plane of existence because I have my life together. As a kid I got bullied for being happy, bubbly, and nice, and as a teenager I got criticized for being angsty. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be socially normal ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Planning on journaling about this more to really explore this. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And honestly, I don't know how much is me being hyper critical of myself because I went through a phase where I was weird and socially awkward in my early teen to preteen years (like many people) and this is me overcompensating, or how much of this is me cringing at myself because of my sense of self awareness and then how much of that self awareness is valid at the moment. I have talked about this with friends before and all of them tell me that I'm not awkward at all and if anything I come off as really socially competent. I think part of me still caries the self image of me from when I was 11-13 and socially awkward followed by when I was shy and quiet from 14-16. Yeah a lot of it is because you're self image hasn't caught up to where you actually are now. Studying cringe has helped A LOT.

For the items in blue, it mainly comes down to owning and feeling comfortable with my interests.