Self Development To Do List

[soos_mite_ah]

On 5/3/2021 at 8:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 5/3/2021 

1. Address your social anxiety 
2. Deal with your issues around competence specifically how it makes you feel like you have to be on guard all the time and that you can't trust people (especially men and authority figures): Unpacking this in therapy 
3. Deal with your shame around being cringeworthy and awkward:  A lot of this has to do with me learning how to accept my interests and stop being insecure about them. 
4. Deal with your spiritual ego and overthinking/ hyper analyzing by continuing your break from deeper content: I think I'm done with taking a break from deeper content but I guess I'm still easing back into things. 
5. Make it a point to acknowledge how far you've come by being gentle with yourself: Journaled about this and also bought a book to help me with this process. 
6. Update your self image: Journaled about this and bought a book 
7. Address your issues with oversharing  Upon further inspection on this issue, I realized that I don't really have an issue with this. I realized that I often feel like I'm oversharing because I'm have insecurities around my interests therefore any sharing feels like oversharing if that makes sense. 
8. Address your issues with your dismissive avoidant attachment style. Upon further inspection on this issue, I realized that I don't really have an issue with this. Once I dealt with my spiritual ego  and acknowledged my needs for social support, much of my issues with being dismissive avoidant were dealt with. 
9. Life Purpose: Revisit the following things from the life purpose course and really work through them
10.  Life Purpose Exercise #1 (16:34) (58)
11.  Life Purpose Exercise #2 (11:00) (59)
12. Going From Abstract To Concrete (31:43) (77)
13. Finding Your Niche (34:08) (83)

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Action Items to consider in the future regarding social anxiety (these aren't numbered because they aren't part of the to do list) 

• Build your social life
• Make friends and get into a short term relationship
• Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy)

Action Items to consider in the future regarding life purpose (again not numbered but just things to keep in mind and consider long term) 

• Burn through superficial desires and experience life (travel, relationships, parties etc.): Address a lot of this by working through your social anxiety
• Deal with fears and limiting belief:  I think this is an on going process that gets revealed over time with different life experiences and contemplation. Good thing I have a journaling habit and a meditation habit. 
• Financial independence: Long term goal that I need to eventually reach in the next couple years. 

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

It's been a while. I have worked through somethings and strayed from this original focus and decided to work on other areas of my life.

Life and anxiety as a whole has been kind of overwhelming in the last couple of months especially given my home situation. I've mainly been trying to recover and cope with that. 

I also find my priorities changing and I want to create a new list. 

But first I want to reflect on my previous list: 

On 5/20/2021 at 3:46 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 5/3/2021 

1. Address your social anxiety I found that I addressed this by reconnecting with some of my old friends, not putting too much pressure on being a social butterfly who clicks with everyone, accepting/ feeling comfortable in my own awkwardness, and reconciling some post pandemic realities by being okay with not knowing how to navigate certain dynamics. 
2. Deal with your issues around competence specifically how it makes you feel like you have to be on guard all the time and that you can't trust people (especially men and authority figures): I feel like I have dealt with this sufficiently for now but it's something that I'm going to have to get into later (which is why I'm highlighting this in a different color). I found my job and some of the classes I'm taking have/will address this well. 
3. Deal with your shame around being cringeworthy and awkward:  A lot of this has to do with me learning how to accept my interests and stop being insecure about them. 
4. Deal with your spiritual ego and overthinking/ hyper analyzing by continuing your break from deeper content: I'm not really easing back into things at the moment. I'm dealing with regular human shit and trying to live a basic nonspirtual life. Chop wood, carry water. 
5. Make it a point to acknowledge how far you've come by being gentle with yourself: Journaled about this and also bought a book to help me with this process. Also, chop wood, carry water.
6. Update your self image: Journaled about this and bought a book 
7. Address your issues with oversharing  Upon further inspection on this issue, I realized that I don't really have an issue with this. I realized that I often feel like I'm oversharing because I'm have insecurities around my interests therefore any sharing feels like oversharing if that makes sense. 
8. Address your issues with your dismissive avoidant attachment style. Upon further inspection on this issue, I realized that I don't really have an issue with this. Once I dealt with my spiritual ego  and acknowledged my needs for social support, much of my issues with being dismissive avoidant were dealt with. Also, I noticed that I'm not necessarily dismissive avoidant in a lot of cases. In a lot of cases, I just don't click with people. Getting rid of the idea of social competence that is attached to expectation of being a social butterfly helped a lot.
9. Life Purpose: Revisit the following things from the life purpose course and really work through them
10.  Life Purpose Exercise #1 (16:34) (58)
11.  Life Purpose Exercise #2 (11:00) (59)
12. Going From Abstract To Concrete (31:43) (77)
13. Finding Your Niche (34:08) (83) Can't say that I have my life purpose fully realized and that I have a super clear idea but even though I don't know where my vision is taking me, I at least have a sense of direction. Still need to figure out my next career moves in the immediate future even if it doesn't have to do with my life purpose directly.  

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Action Items to consider in the future regarding social anxiety (these aren't numbered because they aren't part of the to do list) 

• Build your social life: Plan is to join a couple of organizations in school and be really consistent with them. 
• Make friends and get into a short term relationship: Not sure how I'm going to do the second part but the friends part is more of a priority.
• Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): I have a whole class that is dedicated to building this skill. 

Action Items to consider in the future regarding life purpose (again not numbered but just things to keep in mind and consider long term) 

• Burn through superficial desires and experience life (travel, relationships, parties etc.): I think the problem is my academic and professional anxiety tbh. 
• Deal with fears and limiting belief:  I think this is an on going process that gets revealed over time with different life experiences and contemplation. Good thing I have a journaling habit and a meditation habit. 
• Financial independence: Long term goal that I need to eventually reach in the next couple years. Again, still need to figure out my next career moves in the immediate future even if it doesn't have to do with my life purpose directly.  

Some Additional Things I Have Been Working On: 

• Emotionally coping with gaslighting and emotional unavailability to heal my attachment issues on the spot as the trauma occurs by journaling, relying on friends, and therapy. 
• Exploring my thoughts around sex and sexuality and just unpacking a lot of shit
• Trying to get things together for me to move out my house and logistically making moving to college easier (basically dealing with the fin aid office and the health center). 
• Healing some of my unhealthy mentalities with food (I don't count calories anymore and I'm more in tuned with my body)
• I got a job that took up a lot of my time in addition to the internship so I have some money now. It was good for me to have that experience. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

To Do List 8/18/2021

1. Deal with your body image issues and your relationship with food: I'm finally moving out of my parent's house and even though I have been good about keeping my distance and keeping my boundaries up with my mother, I know that her mentality around her body and food in general has been affecting me, even if it is slowly eroding me. I don't know what after affects will linger and to what extent but it's been a lot for the last few months. It's important for me to be mindful and vigilant of these after affects and deal with it accordingly because I haven't been in a healthy environment. It's like being mindful of being in a place with a lot of toxic radiation. Sure you don't have noticeable symptoms right away and you might not develop them but it's important to be vigilant of anything that might develop since there is a high likelihood. 
2. Get into an exercise routine that works for you: Not sure if I'm going to tackle this right away because of the previous goal but it's definitely in the back of my mind. Since I moved back home, I made it a point to not do a lot of exercise because I knew that the environment I am in can make this into something really neurotic that I'm going to have to deal with later on. 
3. Prioritize relationships and relationship building in your life (platonic and romantic): I'm currently in a place where I feel like I need a shift in priorities. But my previous priorities have a lot of momentum so it's going to take a moment to transition out of it and rearrange the priorities in a well balanced way. Nothing wrong with the priorities I had before, they were right in the moment, but my needs and wants have changed. 
4. Deal with the wound "I'm tired of doing everything myself and I wish I had an actual adult helping me. I'm so tired of doing everything myself": Basically this is both my mommy and daddy issues combined. The statement I mentioned feels like the heart of my current pain body. If left unaddressed in a healthy way, I see this morphing into seeking a parental, guiding figure in romantic relationships and friendships. I don't want that. Don't have time to deal with that kind of trauma later on. Might as well deal with it as it comes up. 
5. Continue unpacking things related to your attitudes with sex and sexuality: I have a whole list of things I have yet to write about and this thing will be done when I'm done with that list. Also explore things in direct experience if possible. 
6. Deal with the internalized racism that makes you feel undesirable but also sexualized: I need to start seeing myself as an actual option romantically and sexually. There is this whole notion of how I feel unworthy of these situations, how they feel super unreachable, and how they are meant for other people. Lots to unpack. 
7. Integrate the notion of how you don't have to be fully healed in order to get into a healthy relationship: Journaled about this and had an entire thread open to help me with this. 
8. Deal with your academic and professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Basically this last year has fucked up my self esteem and has made me feel like I'm operating under a scarcity mindset when advocating for myself and my skills. School and work gives me a lot of anxiety. It has me feeling like I don't have anything to offer or intellectually contribute and that I'm not valuable in a professional or academic setting. Learning (and relearning) to assert myself in these situations is important. Also I don't have a procrastination problem, I have a big time anxiety problem. 
9. Figure out what the next steps are after college and start using the career center at school because you have no idea wtf you're doing.: I really need professional guidance and my common sense is telling me that my boomer parents are leading me straight to hell by telling me to not apply to jobs online, go door to door, and never advocating for yourself. 
10. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: This pandemic gave me a new flavor of crazy. Honestly the only things holding me together is manifestation, a bunch of shiny ass rocks, and using astrology as coping mechanism so that my life feels like it has a sense of predictability. I let myself believe in these things because it helps me sleep at night but I know that it isn't necessarily rooted in truth and that I'm going to have wean off of this later lol.  

Edited August 18, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Dead ass this post is just to puff myself up because I've been feeling stagnant and done with life lately and I need some self reassurance that I am headed in the right direction. 

On 5/20/2021 at 3:39 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward

So I'm going to be journaling and exploring why I am ashamed of any amount of social awkwardness. I'm going to start off with what I perceive as awkward on my end in the first place. 

The first 3 things have to do with my basic sense of shyness. 

Nervous about my interests: Did a whole post on how I'm self conscious about talking about spirituality and self development. I guess I could add that I have been spending a lot of time on myself to work through the issues in my life but that's typically not something that you could talk about with someone you aren't close to. I'm nervous about oversharing and making myself look mentally unhinged. As a result, I tend to under share about myself irl and I cope by getting the other person to talk about their interests and experiences so that I won't have to reveal anything about myself. I do reveal things eventually but only after I feel that the person can handle it depending on what I know about them. Idk somewhere between now and then I stopped caring lol and I got over my weirdo complex.   

Being nervous around guys who I know are interested in me: I'm probably going to a whole post about this afterwards to delve in my perceptions of men. But I guess one of the big things is that I'm not used to male attention. I didn't catch anyone's eye through high school and middle school and then suddenly when I got to college I got guys hitting on me. And it wasn't just people in my college, a large portion of them were just people in public. It's just that, because I didn't encounter many situations like this growing up, I don't know what to do or how to react when something like this does happen. I just resort to saying thank you if a guy tells me I'm pretty followed by giggling nervously and trying to play off my awkwardness as me being shy and flattered so that it comes off as cute instead of weird. Most of this is lack of experience coming off as nervousness rather than pure nervousness tbh. Lately, I've made peace with this. Tbh, I handle these situations well in general. I have dealt with some of my biases around guys in therapy. And finally I've addressed why I'm nervous about my lack of experience. I've come to the conclusion that if a guy is worth it, he wouldn't mind or make it super awkward because if he's worth it, we'd be really comfortable with each other emotionally outside of anything physical. A lot of it came down to accepting myself so that I feel like I can open up so that other people can also accept me as well. 

Running out of things to say: I know silences are normal in a conversation but I'm nervous when I simply run out of things to say to the other person and I'm nervous that one of those awkward silences will last too long. I feel like it would make me seem uninteresting, as though if I don't have anything to talk about, people will think I probably don't have a life, I don't have interests, and I'm not doing anything with my life. I think the pandemic REALLY emphasized this because I definitely don't have a life now and as a result, I have even less things to talk about. This one thing gives me so much social anxiety. Taking the expectation that I need to be a social butterfly helped a lot. 

The next 3 things have to do with symptoms of my ADHD. I manage my ADHD well and I don't have a problem with functioning because I have really good coping skills but I don't like it when it slips out in social circumstances.

Rambling: Contradictory to me feeling self conscious about running out of things to say, I'm also nervous about rambling. Hell, I found myself being hesitant to write long posts in my journal because of this. I'm afraid of things being one sided, the other person being bored or confused with all that I have to say. I don't want to lecture to someone because I think it would be unempathetic, rude, and not conducive to bonding with someone. I've also been constantly told as a kid by my peers and the adults around me that I talk too much and that no one cares about what I have to say and I'm pretty sure that has caused me to retreat and be shy for a chunk of my life. Stopped caring 

Interrupting: This doesn't happen that often but I cringe at myself every time I get too excited about a topic or contributing to a conversation to where I interrupt someone. I feel like I'm being unempathetic to the other person and that I'm revealing myself to be a hyper active person with no impulse control. But at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to do this or else the other person will keep talking and I won't get a chance to express my point of view (this is rare though but I still feel bad when this happens).  Dealt with this by understanding why this makes me cringe. I developed coping skills according to this and I think I'm good now. 

Talking too fast, stuttering, filler words and not making sense: My mind goes a million miles per hour sometimes. I can have 20 different ideas in a matter of a second. But it takes time to articulate all that and sometimes I feel like my mind moves faster than my ability to express myself. It's the reason why I can't write in journals. I have to type because or else I can't keep up with myself. The thing with writing is that I can organize my thoughts and rearrange them to where they would make sense. With  speaking on the other hand... well there is no backspace for my mouth. I'm scared of being seen as confusing, crazy, and not pleasant to be around because of this. Stopped caring

This last one doesn't fall in any category, it's just kind of there tbh. 

Coming off as too positive: I have been told that I come off as positive and really confident by the way I carry myself and that I look like I have my life together. I have a weird relationship with coming off as positive. For a large chunk of my life I was angsty, depressed, and always ranting about something because being annoyed was basically my sense of humor. I had a group of friends but I thought that maybe I'd be more well liked if I was happy and bubbly. I don't know if I watched too much Charisma on Command the summer before college in order to reinvent myself or I read too many self help books talking about how people don't like being around negative people and how to be liked you have to be positive and upbeat. But when I eventually did get to a happier place in my life and I naturally came off as bubbly, I noticed that people still didn't like me and probably thought I was annoying for being a happy person. I'm afraid of coming off as a Tony Robbins sales person type of personality. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the the snake oil sales man type who acts happy and confident but it also looks really fake as if they are trying to craft this charismatic persona instead of being their normal self.  I know positivity can be toxic and cold when it's not backed up with empathy but I am still pretty empathetic (though I might not be as warm....?idk man). I know people have told me that they found me intimidating when they talk to me.  I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Me being negative would be me being a downer no one likes but me being positive would be me being a deluded idiot who is happy all the time because there is this assumption that I'm not aware of the awful stuff in the world or someone who is on a different plane of existence because I have my life together. As a kid I got bullied for being happy, bubbly, and nice, and as a teenager I got criticized for being angsty. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be socially normal ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Planning on journaling about this more to really explore this. ---> Lol, been kind of anxious and depressed lately so I don't think this is going to be an issue until I'm happy again. Highlighting this in pink because I know I'll have to deal with this later. 

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And honestly, I don't know how much is me being hyper critical of myself because I went through a phase where I was weird and socially awkward in my early teen to preteen years (like many people) and this is me overcompensating, or how much of this is me cringing at myself because of my sense of self awareness and then how much of that self awareness is valid at the moment. I have talked about this with friends before and all of them tell me that I'm not awkward at all and if anything I come off as really socially competent. I think part of me still caries the self image of me from when I was 11-13 and socially awkward followed by when I was shy and quiet from 14-16. Yeah a lot of it is because you're self image hasn't caught up to where you actually are now. Studying cringe has helped A LOT.

For the items in blue, it mainly comes down to owning and feeling comfortable with my interests

[soos_mite_ah]

To Do List Execution 8/18/2021

I wrote out how I'm going to deal with each of these issues as I see fit in the moment in blue and turquoise. I also reordered the list according to what I find most important. 

On 8/18/2021 at 1:37 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 8/18/2021

1. Deal with your academic and professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Have a couple classes that push me out of my comfort zone by forcing me to deal with this. Just pay attention in school.
2. Figure out what the next steps are after college and start using the career center at school because you have no idea wtf you're doing.: Have a couple classes that push me out of my comfort zone by forcing me to deal with this. Just pay attention in school
   • I wanted to put these two as a priority because I feel a lot of tenseness, resistance, panic, and heaviness when it comes to topics around school and work. I feel like dealing with this will clear a lot of things up and give a greater sense of stability and certainty in my life. 
3. Continue unpacking things related to your attitudes with sex and sexuality: Journal about this. Schedule out when you're going to post certain things especially since you're in school now and you have other things to tend to. 
4. Deal with the internalized racism that makes you feel undesirable but also sexualized: Like the previous item, journal and vent. 
5. Integrate the notion of how you don't have to be fully healed in order to get into a healthy relationship: journaling
   • I don't want to give up my journaling habits now that I'm back on campus. As a result, this group of goals is my next priority. I think this is also a fairly simple way of getting a lot of results so why not milk that and make it a priority 
6. Prioritize relationships and relationship building in your life (platonic and romantic): Not 100% sure at the moment. Need to feel out how the pandemic is going and my comfort levels in school 
   • Putting this in the middle because I think it's something that ties everything together. It's in the background and in the forefront at the same time in a way. Also, I'm not sure how I'm going to execute this. 
7. Deal with the wound "I'm tired of doing everything myself and I wish I had an actual adult helping me. I'm so tired of doing everything myself": THERAPY
8. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: I guess focusing dealing with my own life will help me divert my attention away from everything that is happening out there and towards everything that is happening inside me. 
   • These next two are towards the bottom because it's more of a background issue. It still relates to the things that are higher on the list but if the top things are dealt with, I get a hunch that this will also get sorted out. Maybe not completely, but mostly. Anything that remains afterwards will be dealt with later. 
9. Deal with your body image issues and your relationship with food: Stay vigilant and mindful of your eating habits and body image. Address limiting beliefs as they come up.  
10. Get into an exercise routine that works for you: If the previous item is dealt with, then you can move on to this one. 
    • I'm putting these two at the bottom because it's one of those things that is in the back of my mind but not front and center. 

Basically, these are the things I need to do in order to fulfill my objectives: 

• Focus in class especially on the classes that are going to grow you personally and deal with your academic/professional trauma. 
• Journal in "The Female Gaze"
• Shift your priorities
• Continue going to therapy 
• Be vigilant of your eating habits and body image. 

Goal is to have most of these dealt with by the end of this semester and tie up loose ends during winter break. 

Edited August 24, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I wanted to include this quote from my other journal into this one. I feel like this is a good snap shot of where I'm at right now regarding my emotions and my development. I look forward to seeing this particular post later on as I work through my self development to do list just to see how much things change. 

14 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Then there is my experiences for the last few years especially during the pandemic so far. This situation has left me feeling really unsure of myself, unsure of my abilities, unsure of where I'm going with my life and what the future holds, unsure about what my place is socially. I'm definitely not my most confident self and I don't think that helps given the classes I'm taking this semester. I also want to emphasize that even though I'm unsure, I'm not exactly insecure. There is a lot of ambiguity and doubt, and while that does overlap with insecurity a bit, it has a different flavor. It's more panic inducing rather than shame inducing however the shame isn't completely absent. The panic is just more front and center.  

[soos_mite_ah]

A New Flavor of Crazy 

On 8/18/2021 at 1:37 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

This pandemic gave me a new flavor of crazy. Honestly the only things holding me together is manifestation, a bunch of shiny ass rocks, and using astrology as coping mechanism so that my life feels like it has a sense of predictability. I let myself believe in these things because it helps me sleep at night but I know that it isn't necessarily rooted in truth and that I'm going to have wean off of this later lol.  

I just want to reflect on all the ways I feel currently insane. Like, I stopped dealing with a lot of these issues pre-pandemic. It's been difficult to watch me slide back like this. And even though I did grow a lot during this pandemic, I didn't come out of this in one piece. I really just want to acknowledge that, accept it, and have all of my shit laid out in front of me so I know what I'm dealing with. Because sometimes, having your problems laid out in front of you in a bullet pointed list instead of having it be this ball of mess that you don't know how to navigate helps. 

1. I don't know how I identify as sexually as far as my orientation goes. 
2. I'm horny, touch starved, and emotionally thirsty all the time.
3. I am isolated platonically because I didn't have a social circle in forever. 
4. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going career wise. 
5. I'm dealing with the repercussions of emotional neglect from my parents since March 2020.
6. I had a suicide attempt because my anxiety got so bad around last year. That's going to take a few years to come to peace with. 
7. I have developed a few kinks as a result of my current emotional state. 
8. I have anxiety from my dumpster fire life for the last few years. 
9. Money. That's it. 
10. I'm collecting shiny rocks and believing in astrology as a coping mechanism with all of the uncertainty in the world. 
11. I go on doomer spirals every now and then because of the pandemic, capitalism, and climate change. Everything feels dystopian. 
12. My body image is kind of fucked up because of the amount of time I spent with my mom and my school's culture around diet and exercise.
13. I'm still a procrastinator as far as school work goes
14. I still crave stability and a quiet/ boring / almost mediocre life. 
15. I don't have much confidence academically or professionally because of the shit show that has been my life in the last few years. 

Edited September 10, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Just wanted to take a moment to check where I'm at since I have posted this. 

I think I have spent more time adjusting to campus culture and dealing with school than working on each of these things. And while I can't say I can cross anything off of this list, I am making slow and consistent progress all things considered. I think given my situation, it  would be wise if I paced myself. But to keep myself on track, I decided to post an update. 

On 8/24/2021 at 0:54 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 8/18/2021

1. Deal with your academic and professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Have a couple classes that push me out of my comfort zone by forcing me to deal with this. Just pay attention in school. UPDATE: My classes are helping but it's been slow and steady
2. Figure out what the next steps are after college and start using the career center at school because you have no idea wtf you're doing.: Have a couple classes that push me out of my comfort zone by forcing me to deal with this. Just pay attention in school
   • UPDATE: Scheduled a couple meetings to sort this shit out in the next couple of weeks 
3. Continue unpacking things related to your attitudes with sex and sexuality: Journal about this. Schedule out when you're going to post certain things especially since you're in school now and you have other things to tend to. 
   • UPDATE: Have been journaling a lot and been getting a lot out of my system. Still have quite a few topics I want to journal about and I think I will cover a lot of ground in the next month or so. 
4. Deal with the internalized racism that makes you feel undesirable but also sexualized: Like the previous item, journal and vent. 
   • UPDATE: Still have a few things I want to journal out but I have a good handle on this. 
5. Integrate the notion of how you don't have to be fully healed in order to get into a healthy relationship: journaling
   • UPDATE: Honestly, I think I've been doing a good job on keeping this in check through contemplation and putting myself out there. I feel like I have a more nuanced, less black and white, less cutthroat, and more forgiving attitude towards myself and where I'm at with my life. 
6. Prioritize relationships and relationship building in your life (platonic and romantic): Not 100% sure at the moment. Need to feel out how the pandemic is going and my comfort levels in school 
   • UPDATE: Because of my lighter work schedule and load, it's been easier for me to mentally make this shift and I think I'm doing pretty well on this.  I don't necessarily find myself saying yes to every social opportunity, especially because I'm concerned about COVID, but I do see myself having more of this attitude of saying yes to life which I think is super important. 
7. Deal with the wound "I'm tired of doing everything myself and I wish I had an actual adult helping me. I'm so tired of doing everything myself": THERAPY
   • UPDATE: I think a lot of this would be dealt with by building up that solid social circle. I found that even venting to my roommate and becoming good friends with them has helped tremendously. 
8. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: I guess focusing dealing with my own life will help me divert my attention away from everything that is happening out there and towards everything that is happening inside me. 
   • UPDATE: Backslid a little here because of dealing with campus culture. I will say that having a good cry about this has helped a lot. 
9. Deal with your body image issues and your relationship with food: Stay vigilant and mindful of your eating habits and body image. Address limiting beliefs as they come up.  
   • UPDATE: My relationship with food has been pretty good consistently but I have had a couple run ins with body image issues. At the time I wrote this To Do List out, it was kind of vague as to how my relationship with food and body image would manifest during this school year but I will say that now I have a better idea what I'm dealing with. 
10. Get into an exercise routine that works for you: If the previous item is dealt with, then you can move on to this one. 
    • UPDATE: I think I'm going to table this for now and focus on that later since I feel like I have a lot on my plate. 

Edited September 12, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I hope I get to cross something out in the next month or so because that is always satisfying to my ego lol 

Things that I can see myself crossing off: 

1. Deal with your body image issues and your relationship with food
2. Continue unpacking things related to your attitudes with sex and sexuality
3. Deal with the internalized racism that makes you feel undesirable but also sexualized
4. Integrate the notion of how you don't have to be fully healed in order to get into a healthy relationship

Let's see if my predictions are correct or if I surpass my own expectations

[soos_mite_ah]

Things I Want to Work on Later

I'm currently dealing with a lot of things emotionally when it comes to trauma and rebuilding my life in general. I not really in the place to deal with these things now (honestly if they sort themselves out in time that works too) but these aren't things I have forgotten about. Once things settle down and I'm in a more stable place, these are the things I want to work on more. These are also things that don't really make sense to focus on right at this time because they are so far out there. 

I see myself dealing with part 1 and 2 in the next year to year and a half. I see myself dealing with part 3 and 4 after I get out of school, becoming financially independent, and start doing my own thing. 

Part 1: Deal with Basic Stuff: These aren't super difficult things for me to deal with but they are only easy when I have dealt with everything else in my life and I'm working with a stable/quiet space. If I don't have that peaceful foundation, it's much harder for me to deal with and I might as well concentrate my efforts to building that foundation instead struggling with this. 

• Have a stable sleep schedule 
  • My sleep schedule isn't awful but it could be better so I can be more efficient 
• Build the habit of working out
  • I keep putting this off but it's really important for me to be in a stable place emotionally so this doesn't get dysfunctional 
• Organizing my time 
  • Like my sleep schedule, it isn't awful but it could be better so I can be more efficient

 

Part 2: Deal with different coping mechanisms: These are helping me now but are not productive long term. They are basically safety blankets I'm going to have to wean myself off of. It helps me sleep at night for now which is why I'll allow myself to keep them around since I have bigger problems at the moment. Right now it's best to be gentle with myself and give myself some leeway instead of nitpicking at the ways I'm dealing with different situations in my life.

• Astrology, tarot, and manifestation to a certain extent 
  • These are a few things that gave me more of a sense of stability and predictability during the last couple years with how the world has been. I know that it isn't really rooted in much truth but it helps me sleep at night and maintain some type of faith and hope for the future. 
• The one crush that isn't super healthy 
  • I have no intention on pursuing this person and I highly doubt I'll ever see him again but I kind of hold onto this guy because he reminds me a better version of my life and I like having someone I can use to come up with romantic situations in my head to cope with my life. This whole thing is basically a safety blanket. 
• Lana Del Rey 
  • I got attached to her music to deal with that unhealthy crush. The music helped me have an outlet for my emotions so I didn't have that urge to act on my feelings and get myself in unhealthy situations but I could still process those emotions safely. I honestly see myself naturally growing out of this because it really does feel like a phase. 
• Maintaining/ letting go of family relationships 
  • I'm not logistically and financially in the place to completely walk away or really do much. But if I'm going to be honest, the more I heal and get my life together, the more I want to minimize or eliminate the amount of time I spend with them because I resonate less and less with them and I realize how unhealthy they are for me. 
• Study epistemology
  • Been meaning to get into it but I need to have a solid foundation before deconstructing my own sense making process so this doesn't cause me to back slide in my development. 

 

Deal with moving into the next phase of adulthood once I graduate: Not graduating just yet so it doesn't make sense for me to get stressed out about things waaaay down the road when I don't even know what variables I'm working with to deal with it effectively.

• Moving because I want to live elsewhere 
  • I really want to get out of this bubble and go to a place that I resonate with more. It's a new start that is very overdue. 
• Applying/Interviewing/Getting a job that is sustainable and I somewhat like 
  • It doesn't have to be a job I love nor does it have to be a whole career path. It just has to be something that is financially sustainable, something that works for my physical and mental health, and something that gives me insight on what I might want to do later on. 
• Managing money
  • I think I have a good handle of things now but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a new ball game when I have a job that actually supports me independent from my parents.  
• Dealing with other logistical issues that could come with this such as dealing with insurance, bank accounts etc. 
  • Much of this is in the unknown but whatever this transition consists of really 

 

Figure out what to do with your life: Questions I find myself asking myself and things I have in the back of my head. Not concerned about this now. Need a foundation first before figuring out how to build the rest of everything that goes on top of it.

• What is a fulfilling career path and how do I get there 
  • I think at this point, thinking of a career is too limiting. Instead I need to find a job that's going to give me a stable life and then go from there after I get that foundation. I think I need that stability to really have a clear head to make that decision. I also need more life experience to get this answer. 
• Do I want to have kids?
  • I think about this sometimes and I have ideas but then my mind is like *you know what, this is a problem for 30 year old soos_mite_ah* Also, life experience is important because I don't know what my future or my priorities in the future is going to look like. 
• Whether or not I want a house and generally where I want to live 
  • Idk, I'm kind of at peace with living in an apartment but I do get the financial reasons for getting a house. I also don't know if I want to live in the city or a suburb but I think my answer depends a lot on my stage of life. 
• Money 
  • Retirement, grad school, savings, emergency funds, travel money etc. 
• Enlightenment, existential questions, psychedelics etc. 
  • Not looking to dip my feet into this until MUCH later

Edited September 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 9/9/2021 at 10:28 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

A New Flavor of Crazy 

I just want to reflect on all the ways I feel currently insane. Like, I stopped dealing with a lot of these issues pre-pandemic. It's been difficult to watch me slide back like this. And even though I did grow a lot during this pandemic, I didn't come out of this in one piece. I really just want to acknowledge that, accept it, and have all of my shit laid out in front of me so I know what I'm dealing with. Because sometimes, having your problems laid out in front of you in a bullet pointed list instead of having it be this ball of mess that you don't know how to navigate helps. 

1. I don't know how I identify as sexually as far as my orientation goes. 
2. I'm collecting shiny rocks and believing in astrology as a coping mechanism with all of the uncertainty in the world. 
3. I go on doomer spirals every now and then because of the pandemic, capitalism, and climate change. Everything feels dystopian. Focusing on my own life as well as  cutting out some forms of media is helping but I still put out the cynical/chaotic vibes tbh. 
4. I still crave stability and a quiet/ boring / almost mediocre life. 
5. I don't have much confidence academically or professionally because of the shit show that has been my life in the last few years. Have dealt with a lot of this. Still a work in progress. 
6. My body image is kind of fucked up because of the amount of time I spent with my mom and my school's culture around diet and exercise. My body image has been getting better tbh
7. I have developed a few kinks as a result of my current emotional state. Honestly, it is what it is 
8. I'm horny, touch starved, and emotionally thirsty all the time.: I'm still all of these things. I just don't feel incredibly neurotic about it like before. 
9. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going career wise. I have a better idea but also, I have made peace with not knowing
10. I have anxiety from my dumpster fire life for the last few years. My anxiety has been getting better and is manageable most of the time
11. Money. That's it. : Figured out my money issues regarding school. Family is also doing better. Still need to figure out career. 
12. I am isolated platonically because I didn't have a social circle in forever. Not isolated anymore 
13. I'm dealing with the repercussions of emotional neglect from my parents since March 2020. I found a supportive group of people and that has helped a lot. I'm also much better at integrating different parts of myself and validating my emotions. 
14. I had a suicide attempt because my anxiety got so bad around last year. That's going to take a few years to come to peace with. And I'm doing a good job at coping with this.  
15. I'm still a procrastinator as far as school work goes Nope, I'm doing pretty well with this and I'm so proud of myself. 

I guess over all, a lot of my problems are still there but I am dealing with it accordingly. Just gotta wait for this storm to pass I guess.

I reordered this list so that the first part (1-5) a things I'm still dealing with to where I can't cross it out. The second part (6-10) are things I have dealt with by either making peace with the situation or by already implementing solutions. Everything is pretty much put into place even if the problem isn't completely gone. The situation is under control and I don't feel like a mess. Finally, the third part (11-15), are things that I have dealt with pretty much (put those in gray because I don't think I need to focus on it). 

[soos_mite_ah]

Negative Emotions Inventory 

I decided to jot down some of the most negative spirals I go into and how they devolve both from a thinking and emotional standpoint. This is just a way of taking stock at my weak points going forward as well as a way to let myself be vulnerable and gentle with myself: 

 

I wish I wasn’t doing everything by myself and that I had actual adults I could turn to. I feel so alone. I am angry and frustrated on how I have to fix problems I didn’t create because of generational trauma. My problems aren’t even my problems. They became my problems because my parents didn’t do their part in healing and self-awareness. Like I have my own shit to deal with, why I do have to be weighed down by other people’s shit?!?!? It feels heavy and I’m tired and sad.

I wish the person I am today was the person I was when I was 14. On a similar note, I wonder who I would have become if I had a healthy and happy upbringing. I wish I stepped into my potential earlier. I wonder if I’ll ever step into my potential because there is a huge part of me that feels like I already failed in life and that I have nothing going for me.

My future feels very bleak. I already talked about things on an individual level but also, this translates to the collective level because of late-stage capitalism. I’m talking climate change, fascism, wealth inequality, misinformation, the pandemic, etc. Everything feels dystopian. I feel like there are systemic issues stopping me from living my best life.

I also don’t have confidence in my abilities. I don’t feel like I have much going for me. I feel like a little ball of anxiety most of the time and I feel done with my life a lot of the time. It takes so much energy to do a lot of basic things. And because of that, I haven’t been able to go above and beyond during college whether it be socially, academically, or professionally. I feel like I wasted so much time. My resume looks like a skinny legend, and I’m scared of what that would mean for my future after graduation. Imposter syndrome is very much a thing. People tell me that I have a lot of potential and they tell me I’m on the right path., but I really wished that I could see what they see. Even though I can list out and talk about all of the ways I’m dealing with my issues step by step and I know that I’m making progress, I still feel like I’m an absolute mess.  I’m so scared of the future. I’m anxious of what’s to come and I’m depressed by the current prospects.

Similar to how I don’t feel like I’m desirable professionally, I also don’t feel like I’m desirable in a sexual and romantic light. I don’t feel beautiful and it’s hard for me to picture someone seeing me in that light because of the experiences I simply didn’t have growing up for whatever reason. It’s like I wasn’t able to develop that healthy sense of self in this area of my life in the time most people do and as a result there is a part of me that feels rather unconfident and underdeveloped.

[soos_mite_ah]

On 9/12/2021 at 5:13 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 8/18/2021

1. Deal with your academic and professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Have a couple classes that push me out of my comfort zone by forcing me to deal with this. Just pay attention in school. UPDATE: My classes are helping but it's been slow and steady. I have definitely come out of my shell and comfort zone but some of the trauma still remains. I think I'm good for now. I mainly need to work on self trust and self confidence tbh. 
2. Figure out what the next steps are after college and start using the career center at school because you have no idea wtf you're doing.: Have a couple classes that push me out of my comfort zone by forcing me to deal with this. Just pay attention in school
   • UPDATE: Figured out how to be presentable and how to make a decent impression. Now I just need to figure out which direction I should point my efforts towards. Over all, I feel less overwhelmed by the process
3. Continue unpacking things related to your attitudes with sex and sexuality: Journal about this. Schedule out when you're going to post certain things especially since you're in school now and you have other things to tend to. 
   • UPDATE: Finished writing about most of my preplanned topics. There is still a few more things I want to write about but I haven't gotten to it yet because emotionally it's already out of my system. Will still continue writing in that journal as things come up. 
4. Deal with the internalized racism that makes you feel undesirable but also sexualized: Like the previous item, journal and vent. 
   • UPDATE: I finished journaling about this topic unless something else comes up. I think the only thing making me feel undesirable and sexualized is my body image rather than my race. 
5. Integrate the notion of how you don't have to be fully healed in order to get into a healthy relationship: journaling
   • UPDATE: I think I'm pretty much there tbh as far as mindset goes. Though I'm not in a romantic relationship at the moment, I see myself reinforcing this attitude in platonic situations.
6. Prioritize relationships and relationship building in your life (platonic and romantic): Not 100% sure at the moment. Need to feel out how the pandemic is going and my comfort levels in school 
   • UPDATE: I’m mentally there but it’s been difficult figuring things out logistically when it comes to friends.
7. Deal with the wound "I'm tired of doing everything myself and I wish I had an actual adult helping me. I'm so tired of doing everything myself": THERAPY
   • UPDATE: Mainly consisted of a whole bunch of crying in therapy. Also, going to my professors with my existential crisis regarding what exactly should I do after college has helped a lot.
8. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: I guess focusing dealing with my own life will help me divert my attention away from everything that is happening out there and towards everything that is happening inside me. 
   • UPDATE: Figuring out my career more and focus on my life rather than the world has been helpful. Still not where I want to be in terms of optimism whether it be for the world or myself but it's better than where I started.  
9. Deal with your body image issues and your relationship with food: Stay vigilant and mindful of your eating habits and body image. Address limiting beliefs as they come up.  
   • UPDATE: Have a decent relationship with food. My relationship with my body is coming along. Definitely better than where it was a few weeks ago in the sense that I’m not comparing myself so often but I still want to continue to work through this.
10. Get into an exercise routine that works for you: If the previous item is dealt with, then you can move on to this one. 
    • UPDATE: I'm not going to consider this until my body image issues are sorted out. So for now, I'm putting this in gray since I can't get to that at this moment.

Additional Things I Have Taken Care of 

    11. Have a decent sleep schedule for the most part 

    12. Stopped procrastinating and learned to manage my time well 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Made another to do list since I crossed out a lot of the stuff from the last one 

To Do List 10/14/2021

1. Deal with your professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Getting help with this by talking to my professors and advisors
2. APPLY TO A BUNCH OF INTERNSHIPS AND START EXPERIMENTING CAREER WISE. JUST START SOMEWHERE GODDAMMIT: Currently getting help with this and I have a few people to keep me accountable. I need to have this done by mid-November at the latest
3. Deal with your body image issues: Still have this shitty tendency to pick apart looks 
4. Let go of that one crush that isn't super healthy.
5. Start seeing yourself in a healthy romantic light since you still have some limiting beliefs around dating 
6. Figure out your sexual orientation: Honestly, I think I'm pretty sure what I am but there a couple things I want to talk about but these are uncomfortable conversations that I haven't felt ready to have with anyone yet. 
7. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: I feel like my emotions regarding the existential dread has been laying dormant lately. Like I still feel it in the form of this heaviness in my body but I'm not actively emotionally engaged with it. 
8. Stop relying on astrology, tarot, manifestation to deal with your existential dread: Gonna be honest, I'm not much of a crystal person. At this point I just have some because I like shiny things. I guess I'm off to a good start lol. 
9. Start taking care of your hair again: I stopped doing my hair consistency during the pandemic and because I've been depressed/ dealing with too many other things to be bothered. I know this is a super small thing but to me it's a reflection of how I've been feeling and how I take care/prioritize myself. 
10. Start working out: Will only start this after #4 is sorted out

 

A Wish List
I see this as some things that I want but at the same time not super fixated on. Like for example, I might want a romantic relationship but I'm not going to be obsessing over guys rather I'm going to be unpacking my own limiting beliefs and work on myself and have faith that this will take care of itself since I am doing the actual work. I do believe that I have my intentions set and that this will come to me in the right timing and that I shouldn't obsess about and beat myself up for not have these things.  

See this list as me trying to ~~**manifest**~~

• A solid group of friends 
• A significant other 
• A job/internship I have lined up and knowing that I will be able to support myself
• A stable almost somewhat boring life that is peaceful and will give my soul some rest for a little bit 
• Travel
• Feeling nice in my body and/or having my ideal body

Edited October 15, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Prerequisites Before Doing Psychedelics 

This doesn't include precautions like testing, having a trip sitter, measuring dosages etc. This has more to do with things that I want to make sure I have done before choosing to experiment.  

• Be over 25: Need to have the prefrontal cortex developed. Don't want to mess up my neurological development. 
• Have at least 2 years of mental stability. I don't want to see demons and shit. This means for 2 years there are: 
  • No anxiety attacks
  • no depressive episodes
  • healthy habits are in place 
  • exercising regularly 
  • be mindful of the content you consume
  • Deal with most traumatic events and process them to where they don't hold you back or effect you
• Have basic survival dealt with in a sustainable/ conscious way:
  • can financially support myself without being anxious about money 
  • in a job that I find fulfilling if not at the very least bearable 
  • have healthy and fulfilling relationships (both platonic and romantic) 
  • health wise I'm doing well and not on any medication that could interfere with psychedelics 
• Be firmly into stage yellow in spiral dynamics and be firmly aware in the strategist and construct aware stages in the 9 stages of ego development
  • Exhaust stage green tendencies
  • Deal with any emotional hang ups from the previous stages 
  • Continue quality self education after college
• Educate yourself on mystical traditions, nonduality, and philosophy for at least a year 
  • familiarize with stage turquoise/ unitive aware stage and concepts 
  • watch Leo's videos on nonduality and psychedelic usage (been ignoring them for now because I'm simply not ready) 
• Travel to a place where you can do this with the supervision of a professional and where this is legal 
  • could include/ mean visiting a shaman or doing it in a country where it is legal and regulated 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/14/2021 at 9:22 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To Do List 10/14/2021

1. Deal with your professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Found people I can talk to and have set up meetings and appointments. Also, I've been talking to my friends about this as well and that has been helping. 
2. APPLY TO A BUNCH OF INTERNSHIPS AND START EXPERIMENTING CAREER WISE. JUST START SOMEWHERE GODDAMMIT:  Done... it is what it is at this point
3. Deal with your body image issues: Even though I found out that I gained some weight, I didn't have the emotional reaction to it as I normally do. I also found that taking away the full body mirror in my dorm and only relying on full body mirrors elsewhere on campus has reduced how often I pick at my looks and rewired some shit in my head. I'd say I have a good grasp on it. 
4. Let go of that one crush that isn't super healthy. Non issue
5. Start seeing yourself in a healthy romantic light since you still have some limiting beliefs around dating: I know this isn’t super concrete but I think I just naturally got over most of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was at least a little left over because I feel like nothing can really replace direct experience. It’s difficult to accurately imagine myself in romantic and sexual situations because I haven’t really been in any of them (at least where there were mutual feelings).
6. Figure out your sexual orientation: Had a few difficult conversations and I sorted out my own body image issues so I have a better idea of what I might be. 
7. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: I feel like my emotions regarding the existential dread has been laying dormant lately. Like I still feel it in the form of this heaviness in my body but I'm not actively emotionally engaged with it. 
8. Stop relying on astrology, tarot, manifestation to deal with your existential dread: Non issue
9. Start taking care of your hair again: I stopped doing my hair consistency during the pandemic and because I've been depressed/ dealing with too many other things to be bothered. I know this is a super small thing but to me it's a reflection of how I've been feeling and how I take care/prioritize myself. 
10. Start working out: Will only start this after #3 is sorted out and life calms down a little 

EDIT: I also want to add a note for myself that I have been doing a lot especially given how October has a drain on my psyche. Even though I didn't accomplish as much as I hoped to do so, I do want to acknowledge how much work I have done in terms of taking care of myself physically and emotionally during this time. I've also been sick on and off for the last month because sometimes my anxiety and depression takes things out on me physically so there is that as well. 

EDIT 2: I decided to cross out number 4 and 8 after having a thread on this forum and a few conversations with my therapist. I think it's pretty much a nonissue (that's why it's in gray) and worrying about "solving" this won't really help me much, both in terms of getting over this, as well as my current mental state. 

The thread in question: 

Edited November 11, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/1/2021 at 0:07 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Negative Emotions Inventory 

I decided to jot down some of the most negative spirals I go into and how they devolve both from a thinking and emotional standpoint. This is just a way of taking stock at my weak points going forward as well as a way to let myself be vulnerable and gentle with myself: 

 

I wish I wasn’t doing everything by myself and that I had actual adults I could turn to. I feel so alone. I am angry and frustrated on how I have to fix problems I didn’t create because of generational trauma. My problems aren’t even my problems. They became my problems because my parents didn’t do their part in healing and self-awareness. Like I have my own shit to deal with, why I do have to be weighed down by other people’s shit?!?!? It feels heavy and I’m tired and sad.

It's ok. Pace yourself. Much of the heaviness and tiredness comes from you being in a rush with the healing process. If you are carrying something heavy, you want to give yourself breaks instead of wearing yourself out and potentially injuring yourself. You are making progress so have faith in that. It feels very slow and steady but only from your own perspective since you are with yourself all the time. It's like watching a plant grow. It's happening, but it feels slow because you're always there. People who check up on you every couple of weeks or so really see your growth. Listen, I know this is a heavy load to carry and that carrying it well doesn't take away the pain but pacing yourself does. You aren't on the same path as everyone and you have your own obstacles and it's perfectly ok to take things a little slower than others. You'll get there. You're getting there. 

I wish the person I am today was the person I was when I was 14. On a similar note, I wonder who I would have become if I had a healthy and happy upbringing. I wish I stepped into my potential earlier. I wonder if I’ll ever step into my potential because there is a huge part of me that feels like I already failed in life and that I have nothing going for me.

There is no such thing as what could have been. There is only what is. Comparing yourself to hypothetical versions of yourself isn't doing you a favor and is becoming a magnet of envy. Let go of this ghost version of yourself. Mourn if you need to. It's ok. You don't have to hold on to this and make yourself miserable anymore. 

My future feels very bleak. I already talked about things on an individual level but also, this translates to the collective level because of late-stage capitalism. I’m talking climate change, fascism, wealth inequality, misinformation, the pandemic, etc. Everything feels dystopian. I feel like there are systemic issues stopping me from living my best life.

Sometimes when things get too overwhelming in the big picture, it’s important to come back down to the smaller picture. Sometimes it’s enough to do what you need to do, take care of yourself, and take your journey step by step. It’s good to be aware of certain things, but it isn’t always healthy to focus on them. And yeah, maybe systemic issues are stopping you from living your best life or being the best version of yourself. But even if it isn’t the best, you’re still doing enough. There is no such think as a life that isn’t well lived. There is a reason why consciousness wants to have a variety of experiences and not just the good ones. It’s what makes consciousness unlimited and whole.

I also don’t have confidence in my abilities. I don’t feel like I have much going for me. I feel like a little ball of anxiety most of the time and I feel done with my life a lot of the time. It takes so much energy to do a lot of basic things. And because of that, I haven’t been able to go above and beyond during college whether it be socially, academically, or professionally. I feel like I wasted so much time. My resume looks like a skinny legend, and I’m scared of what that would mean for my future after graduation. Imposter syndrome is very much a thing. People tell me that I have a lot of potential and they tell me I’m on the right path., but I really wished that I could see what they see. Even though I can list out and talk about all of the ways I’m dealing with my issues step by step and I know that I’m making progress, I still feel like I’m an absolute mess.  I’m so scared of the future. I’m anxious of what’s to come and I’m depressed by the current prospects.

Still struggling with this. 

Similar to how I don’t feel like I’m desirable professionally, I also don’t feel like I’m desirable in a sexual and romantic light. I don’t feel beautiful and it’s hard for me to picture someone seeing me in that light because of the experiences I simply didn’t have growing up for whatever reason. It’s like I wasn’t able to develop that healthy sense of self in this area of my life in the time most people do and as a result there is a part of me that feels rather unconfident and underdeveloped.

Honestly, I think visualization and therapy has helped a lot with this. I also found that surrounding myself with people I feel comfortable being vulnerable with, people I click with really well, and people who I started being friends with helped. Even though these are all platonic circumstances, interpersonal relationships are still interpersonal relationships at the end of the day whether it be with your friends or with a significant other. And I think that's the thing with relational trauma. There is only so much you can heal by yourself (granted there is a lot you can do yourself) and then at some point you need to go out and have positive experiences to reinforce what you've been working on (and here having that strong foundation of contemplation and inner work really pays off). 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 9/30/2021 at 0:35 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

A New Flavor of Crazy 

I just want to reflect on all the ways I feel currently insane. Like, I stopped dealing with a lot of these issues pre-pandemic. It's been difficult to watch me slide back like this. And even though I did grow a lot during this pandemic, I didn't come out of this in one piece. I really just want to acknowledge that, accept it, and have all of my shit laid out in front of me so I know what I'm dealing with. Because sometimes, having your problems laid out in front of you in a bullet pointed list instead of having it be this ball of mess that you don't know how to navigate helps. 

1. I go on doomer spirals every now and then because of the pandemic, capitalism, and climate change. Everything feels dystopian. This has been laying dormant tbh
2. I still crave stability and a quiet/ boring / almost mediocre life. 
3. I don't have much confidence academically or professionally because of the shit show that has been my life in the last few years. Have dealt with a lot of this. Still a work in progress. 
4. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going career wise. I have a better idea but also, I have made peace with not knowing
5. I don't know how I identify as sexually as far as my orientation goes. I have a much better idea now tbh. Can't say it's completely resolved but it is resolved to where I don't feel like a confused mess anymore
6. I'm collecting shiny rocks and believing in astrology as a coping mechanism with all of the uncertainty in the world. This is a nonissue
7. My body image is kind of fucked up because of the amount of time I spent with my mom and my school's culture around diet and exercise. not really having any issues any more
8. I have developed a few kinks as a result of my current emotional state. Honestly, it is what it is 
9. I'm horny, touch starved, and emotionally thirsty all the time.: I think at this point it mainly comes down to my drive. Being horny and touch starved is uncomfortable but I wouldn't say I'm in neurotic territory as I was before
10. I have anxiety from my dumpster fire life for the last few years. My anxiety has been getting better and is manageable most of the time
11. Money. That's it. : Figured out my money issues regarding school. Family is also doing better. Still need to figure out career. 
12. I am isolated platonically because I didn't have a social circle in forever. Not isolated anymore 
13. I'm dealing with the repercussions of emotional neglect from my parents since March 2020. I found a supportive group of people and that has helped a lot. I'm also much better at integrating different parts of myself and validating my emotions. 
14. I had a suicide attempt because my anxiety got so bad around last year. That's going to take a few years to come to peace with. And I'm doing a good job at coping with this.  
15. I'm still a procrastinator as far as school work goes Nope, I'm doing pretty well with this and I'm so proud of myself. 

The first part (1-3) are things I'm still dealing with to where I can't cross it out.

The second part (4-6) are things I have dealt with by either making peace with the situation or by already implementing solutions. Everything is pretty much put into place even if the problem isn't completely gone. The situation is under control and I don't feel like a mess. 

Finally, the third part (7-15), are things that I have dealt with pretty much (put those in gray because I don't think I need to focus on it). 

[soos_mite_ah]

After writing out the last couple of posts and gaging where I'm at so far, I just wanted to say that I had no idea that I was making this much progress since August. I especially had no idea I was making so much progress since when I first made this journal. Granted I guess you could say some of it is a cop out because they turned out to be nonissues but even then, I've done and grown a lot. I'm not trying to hype myself up but I do think that acknowledging what I have done and am doing is a very important part of me knowing where I'm at and therefore knowing what kind of action is appropriate for me so I don't end up hyper-focusing on something and creating problems. But yeah, I've come a long way. And I'm getting my shit together slowly but surely. 

Edited November 11, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Logistical To Do List 
Bolded Items are things to focus on right now for the next 2 months 

• Figure out what you're going to do regarding study abroad, your foreign language requirement, and your graduation date and the implications around those decisions
  • Meet with the study abroad office (1 appointment) 
  • Language Oral Proficiency Tests (1-2 appointments)
  • Meet with career center to discuss resumes and study abroad (2-3 appointments)
• Get a hair cut and buy some clothes because your things are getting worn out and you look a mess lol.
• Line up a job or at the very least narrow down your career path for after graduation
  • (again, doesn't have to be something you're super passionate about or that is aligned with your purpose but it needs to be something that has enough money to be financially stable, enough benefits so you feel like you have peace of mind, and relatively chill so you have a moment of stability) 
• Get a job on campus or near school to get the money to pay for a deposit for a future apartment after graduating, potentially moving out of the country, or just for savings in general. (figure things out by seeing how spring semester goes as far as course load is considered)
• See if you can get a research fellowship by applying in the spring (work on maybe during winter break) 
• Hopefully have some plans to travel on your own (whether that be study abroad or right after graduating)  (keep in the back of your mind)
• Maintain the friendships you have and go out and make new ones if that's how things work out.

Check in with yourself at the following times: 

• Right before spring semester starts (so around Jan 15) 
• March 15 2022 
• May 2022

 

Edited November 11, 2021 by soos_mite_ah