feeling of emptiness

[Viking]

What i mean here by a feeling of emptiness is a state of unease in which I need to get something to fill it. If im not aware enough, I'll try to fill it with food or masturbation, youtube.. and I noticed what truly fills it is when im with my girlfriend (if we manage to connect). When im with her i feel like I dont need anything. I'm with her for more than 9 months so you cant really say it's the honeymoon phase anymore. If I spend too much time with her though, I have a burning desire to do something else, like make a project, read, study, etc. so i guess after a while my need is satisfied and if you speak in terms of maslow's hierarchy, I get to the next stages after my love and belonging needs are satisfied.

Problem is, is that we meet only twice a week, and while i know it's relatively often it's still hard and I want to figure out how to cope or to know what im doing wrong. 

When it's only been a day after we meet i might be great, but when it's more than that I start to feel the emptiness feeling and my motivation to study or progress in life wanes and the only thing I want is some food or to masturbate, while in reality i guess I just need to feel love.

Is there a way to fill this emptiness without my girlfriend? Other people sometimes might but it's so rare that I manage to connect well with people. I wonder if I could do some meditation or something to not feel the emptiness. Or maybe the solution is to just learn to cope with the emptiness or try to deconstruct it somehow. im looking for the deepest possible solution but practical solutions are also welcome lol.

[mandyjw]

The miraculous cosmic joke of it all is that the emptiness that is being feared or avoided is actually already fully that fulfillment that we seek. Happiness is actually the lack of something, the lack of discontent or the sense that something is wrong or missing.  In a way you could say it's emptiness, but because it wants nothing and has no bounds you could also say that it's entirely full. So when you're with your girlfriend and things are going well, these isn't anywhere to go, anything to want. Because she is the only "object" or circumstance there when you feel that lack of wanting, you equate her with that feeling of happiness. That's not an issue, but what is an issue is equating her absence, or any other thing or condition's absence with that sense of lack or unease. That sense of lack is a thought, a feeling, a series of thoughts and beliefs that you've practiced that something is missing. It's something extra that you are doing, that is being imposed on an already background of absolutely fulfilled emptiness.

Meditation, done in various ways can help you catch the action of thought imposing itself and its ideas and connotations of emptiness (and what it means for it), on the feeling of emptiness, telling you what it is and what you are and what you have to do with each other. When we get this wrong, feeling is our guidance and we feel awful because, our thoughts about ourselves don't align with the Truth of ourselves. 

On a less existential level, when we get too dependent on a partner, the best thing we can do for ourselves and our relationship is to explore what you want from life and what makes you happy. Start with making lists of things you want, and making lists of stuff that raises your mood that you can work into your day. If you feel unsure, start small. It's crazy how fast the momentum builds. Maybe you want to start a project, learn something new, meet new people, spend more time with friends, join an organization, start a band, but first really sit down and determine what it is you want to create, what makes you happy thinking about it right now. The idea isn't to jump into something that will make us feel complete once we complete it, it's to get in tough with the joy of creating a beautiful life experience right now. All creation, all art starts with an empty blank slate. That emptiness that you avoid is the very potential for creative life force itself. "Now" is empty, limitless, infinite.  

[Viking]

@mandyjw I understand what you're saying, but thing is, do you also think that hunger and thirst are just caused by thoughts? that those emotions are caused by 'not being aligned with the truth of ourselves'?

If not, what's the difference? According to maslow, hunger and love are both biological needs just on different levels.

[mandyjw]

@Viking Hunger and thirst are a sensations, then we translate them into thought, which is typically an awesome thing since thought allow us to plan ahead for them. But we can also let thought spin out of control and become addicted to food or hoarding food or whatever else. Emotions are like the sensation of hunger or thirst, only less straightforward for most, thought will translate emotion as it likes. If we have mistaken beliefs all translations will be off and may even cause us to want to shut off our guidance of emotions, that's not what I'm suggesting we do.

Edited March 21, 2021 by mandyjw

[Viking]

@mandyjw what im saying is what if loneliness and lack of love (not meeting girlfriend) is similar to the sensations of thirst and hunger but much more complex and subtle?

if it's so, we might need love as we need to eat, and it's not only mistaken beliefs.

im not saying mistaking beliefs arent harmful and some forms of emptiness are indeed formed out of thoughts, but if my need of love is what causes a biological lack like hunger is, how can i deal with this "hunger for love"?

or is it even the case? can a man live without love?

[mandyjw]

39 minutes ago, Viking said:

@mandyjw what im saying is what if loneliness and lack of love (not meeting girlfriend) is similar to the sensations of thirst and hunger but much more complex and subtle?

if it's so, we might need love as we need to eat, and it's not only mistaken beliefs.

im not saying mistaking beliefs arent harmful and some forms of emptiness are indeed formed out of thoughts, but if my need of love is what causes a biological lack like hunger is, how can i deal with this "hunger for love"?

or is it even the case? can a man live without love?

It's definitely not always subtle, you even been in that can't eat, can't sleep kind of love? We make it complex with thinking. The same way we make it complex to eat when we focus way too much on all the mercury in the fish, and our Omega 3 and 6 out of balance, gluten, etc. You can use information and thought to your advantage or to your misery. Yes, we "need" love, sex, friendship, belonging, time alone, good healthy food, exercise, fresh air, sleep, clean water. But even with all my needs and most of my wants taken care of I can still focus on the absence of stuff all day and feel miserable about it, or I can make intelligent decisions to plan around my wants and needs and embrace the moment and what I'm focusing on now. In any given moment there's something to appreciate. 

 

[kag101]

1 hour ago, Viking said:

can a man live without love?

NO! It is an unnegotiable need.

That said, if the only source of fullfilment comes from your girlfriend, then that's a red flag.

 

Some questions:

Do you have hobbies?

Do you work/study? If so, is it bringing you a pleasant sense of accomplishment? 

 

[Viking]

@mandyjw i dont think i focus too much on lack, i feel it's more like i cant enjoy my hobbies and feel unease. what i usually do is try to enjoy things anyway, but i feel too 'hungry for love' to be able to enjoy it fully and in a relaxed way.

@kag101 of course i have more sources of fulfillment, i enjoy friends' company sometimes, i watch youtube videos, play chess, study programming.. thing is, i dont enjoy doing these things too much when i want her love too much. i can enjoy somewhat, but i just feel uneasy as if really hungry and cant focus.

i do work and my work is very stressful for me at times. there is some room for fulfillment but usually im too stressed to appreciate it.