My Self-actualization Journey

[Zane]

I'm creating a self-actualization journal where I study my whole life from my childhood to my early 20s where I take a look at what happened to me over the course of my life, the insights I've discovered, discovering my authenticity and my passions, the struggles I dealt with, and the happiest days and moments in my life and my breakthroughs. Some people tell me "I'm too good for them" and "you embody all the qualities i strive for" and "you're so smart" and "you're wise beyond your years" but I need to disclose the struggles, the feelings of inadequacy, the self-doubt, the pain of failure and making friends, and always feeling like an outcast and my years in group therapy and individual therapy. This journal can help me discover insights and realizations about my life and my inner psychology and so i can truly discover myself. However, this journal is not a pity party nor self-loathing about how I'm a "freak." It's a discovery process and my path to becoming self-actualized where I face my fears and insecurities and learn from them or let them simply dissolve. I'm committing to changing myself so I will focus heavily on my vision of my authentic self, my new self-image, my deepest desires, and my vision for my dream life and my future and my deepest passions, my values, and my purpose, and my place in the world. I will also focus on the changes in myself now! 

Edited October 18, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

It All Began With Stories 

I feel like childhood is paradoxically both a wondrous time and an early identity crisis. I realized that I both loved my childhood and I'm fondly nostalgic of it. What I fondly remember from childhood is the deep connection to my grandmother and to books. When I was a baby and a child, my grandma read to me all the time, and that expanded my amazing imagination. My grandma would read me picture books and I still deeply connect to these books. Confession-but I still go to the children's section in the library and the bookstore to read books at my childhood. Whenever I went over to a friend's house for dinner, than I would deeply connect to their library and I would alienate myself there just reading all the books. It gave me a deep sense of relaxation and it didn't matter if I was alone. I realize that when I watched movies, listened to music, or read stores, than it felt like I was on the greatest high ever. Some people escape reality through drugs and alcohol to get drunk or high but books and life were my fix! I would be so deeply immersed in the story that I felt like I was a character in the world. My dreams are rich with stories and this passion for stories triggered a spark in me! A spark that would last for life! 

However, my obsession with stories, made me "weird." I would go through school days, particularly in gym class or in public, in a trance. I would get so excited that I would talk aloud to myself. From my perspective, I was talking to my characters and would go in and out of character voices. I would do a smooth British accent one minute and a Cockney/Aussie accent on a dime.

Yeah it is awkward and humiliating but it feels cathartic! I remember when people would mimic me or ask "why do you talk to yourself?" I would dodge the question because I felt like it would destroy the mystery of my mind. I felt like I was a alien in human form among normal people and I couldn't maintain my cover. One of my greatest struggles throughout my life was "being normal." Whenever I hear the word "normal" I think of it as a deep betrayal to my authenticity. I see "normal" as dumbing yourself down to be a spineless coward. Normal is not "being yourself." It is rejecting yourself! 

I realize that storytelling and creating stories links deeply to my life purpose. I feel like my life purpose is "to create stories that deeply resonate with yourself and with other readers who share your passion. Stories is how you convey your own insights about your passions and life! You can experiment in a variety of niches! I want your life to focus on discovering storytelling in all mediums and master the art of storytelling." I will learn how to be a master storyteller where I can be completely authentic and self-expressive that my stories come to life. My stories can be deeply existentialist and broad and rich with themes and ideas but still highly relatable and yet personal. My stories can also be simple yet deep like haikus or vignettes! Or my stories can focus entirely on conveying deep emotions like laughter and contemplation! However, I don't want to write for the masses! I want to be subversive and value creative freedom where I have the impunity to tell my own stories.

I want to be unapologetically authentic and not give a fuck what people think! I want the personal power to embrace my creativity and not sell my soul to the fucking Devil. People can hate on me all they want and I strive to be unapologetic and devil may care!! 

Edited October 18, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

The Struggle of Being Different 

I have Aspergers Syndrome and I admit that without any shame! I get so excited that I literally jump out of my seat and I burst out laughing energetically. I feel possessed whenever a dream comes true or whenever something good happens! I get so passionate for stories, hobbies, movies, and so much more that I geek out "OH MY GOD THIS IS AWESOME!!!!" I get so invested that I monologue about my passions and people tell me "you talk too much!" and "settle down!" or "you're embarrassing me!!"

I realize that people and society see enthusiasm as "childish" and "weird" but the truth is that they lost the inner child or worse, even forget it existed! 

I remember those critiques fondly and I remember being told in my teacher reports that "he tends to monopolize the conversation" "he's animated but unfocused!" and "he struggles to follow directions." I remember when my parents, teachers and peers would get frustrated with me over my enthusiasm. They say that "sticks and stones may break bones but words never hurt you." Well thats' bullshit!! I remember how words like "retard" "crazy" "fa*****" and "ugly" would hurt terribly in middle school. I remember how disinterested people would respond to my passion in a flat monotone like "yeah that's awesome!" but I sensed the lying and ostracism.

Two of the worst things I've heard in elementary school and middle school was when a classmate asked "do you have a mental illness?" and in middle school, he accused me of touching his privates. In middle school, I had a crush on a British girl and whenever I saw her, she would run away from me and would say "oh fuck" and she would tell me "fuck you Zane" and the biggest dagger was "you ruined my life." Words don't just hurt, they stab you and they wound like a knife and they scar your mind. I started asking myself "am I really crazy? Why don't I fit in? Am I weird?" In elementary school and middle school, I remember having barely any friends and I remember that alienation. 

The lowest point in my life was middle school where I felt the cruelty of middle schoolers viscerally! I realized how nasty and petty people can be with bullying and how easily angered people can be! I remember the crying I felt when someone lashed out at me. I remember being called a "baby" or "too sensitive" for crying and it made me realize how sheltered I was and how the social meat grinder rejected me. I realize that socially, I was an outcast. What made school even more painful and awkward was being in Special Ed classes which made me feel retarded and socially incompetent and to make it worse, my Autism made me feel even worse. 

My worst class experiences were in Math classes which truly made me feel at my lowest point. I remember fondly the panic attacks of doing homework, the resistance of going to class, and completely failing math tests and becoming such a nervous wreck over Math that I would meltdown easily in frustration and cry and vent. I remember how frustrated people would get trying to explain it to me and struggling to understand it felt like learning a whole new language. I remember having to do the one minute drills and how completely screwed I was without a calculator like a blind man without a cane. 

I realized that the world of middle school and high school and the "real world" see an authentic person who fully embraces their inner child as "childish" and "babyish" and "immature." However, I will always remain authentic, no matter what people think! 

However, I won't just whine about being different! I've learned how to fully embrace being different and how liberating it can be. 

 

Edited October 18, 2016 by Zane

[ajasatya]

hello, @Zane

i want you to know that i love you. please, listen to this song whenever you suspect that you're lying to your feelings.

also, let us know if you start writing a book or something with your stories. all this suffering you face will turn you into the strongest person you'll ever meet.

[Zane]

Accepting Being Different 

I remember how my eccentricity used to be creepy and repulsive rather than charismatic and fascinating. I would have zero mental filter and I would blurt out my thoughts without even considering them. For example, in a middle school science class, I once shouted to a girl to "SCREW ME!!" and that got me in serious trouble where I was in in-school suspension for a day. I had no concept of boundaries and I would ignore the hints people would give me. This behavior was way beyond social awkwardness and I didn't realize how I was repelling people. The reason I was unintentionally creepy was because of my lifelong struggle with socializing and always being unsure of who I was. I was branded as weird because I was unsure of how to truly express myself and I went to an unhealthy extreme by blurting out thoughts. I fell into the trap of Aspergers brutal honesty where I had no clue about social norms. In middle school, I was an Omega Male who repelled girls away from him. During this period, tween girls are highly judgmental towards anything that's "weird" and "ugly." In middle school society, I felt like a monster and truly a freak. In high school, i still made major social mistakes like being clingy around girls and struggling to grasp boundaries. I would overstep boundaries by bombarding a girl with texts and messages and being impatient with responses. However, high school was a HUGE step in the right direction. In high school during my junior year, I met an awesomely quirky Bohemian girl who would wear gypsy skirts and she had so much passion for life and a crazy and eccentric personality. She captivated me easily! When I made the first move to talk to her she thought I was hitting on her and in the first few months, I made mistakes like unintentionally overstepping boundaries because I would get obsessed. However, the more we opened to each other, we started going out together and deepening our bond. Then during the first semester of senior year, she left town and I thought she was out of my life. However, towards the end of the semester, she came back to school and we resumed talking again. The magnetic quality she had that I found extremely sexy was her unapologetic authenticity! It instantly made me realize "I can use my eccentricity as passionate enthusiasm!" I also realize that her greatest qualities were her enthusiasm and how she didn't give a fuck. I started to get fascinated by charisma and to charm her, I started opening up completely with my passion and enthusiasm and that quality attracted her like a magnet. We're still good friends today! In college, I met a girl who was a chill and mellow introvert who was very studious yet unpretentious and very catlike. Her personality was a major contrast to the bubbly and energetic girl and her greatest quality was how non-judgmental she was and how she was an amazing listener who would sometimes ask questions but would be there as someone to speak to. Around her, I was able to be completely vulnerable and unapologetically authentic around her with no judgements. I realized that my best friends needed to be both enthusiastic and passionate and also mellow and serene rather than easily angered. I always wanted friends who were people you can go on adventures with and people you can drink tea with and just hug them. 

When I tell stories, this is my ideal flow state and zone of genius where I'm able to be completely authentic and to give zero fucks for the stories I tell. When I'm alone, my authenticity takes on a whole new amazing level where I get so overwhelmed enthusiasm that I burst out laughing and I talk aloud to myself. When I watch a movie, I get so viscerally invested within the film that I am one with the film and I become the characters. When i passionately love a character, I root for them energetically. I lash out at a villain I deeply despise and I want to see them suffer. I realize that fiction taps into my deepest passions and most visceral emotions because I absorbed it so much! I love doing imitations and becoming different characters and I focus on having a broad range of characters. I love writing essays about passions that I love! All of my role models consist of filmmakers like Tim Burton, a film studio like Laika and Disney, actors like Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr because all of these role models are master creative visionaries.

I promise that I will become a creative visionary through storytelling and to deeply absorb people in my stories the same way my role models absorbed me! 

I'm discovering my authentic self but I still ask "what is my authentic self?" I feel like I'm the highly imaginative child at heart who loves to laugh and has an irresistible charm in his youthful innocence and who is awesomely eccentric rather than obnoxiously annoying. Or I could be a fusion of personalities and characters! My self image is in flux and I will discover my authentic self! I refuse to be a miserable toxic and chronically angry person who drags himself down to Hell along with other people. I focus everyday on loving life, absorbing the present moment, detaching from worries, not being bitter and petty and always angry, and laughing and smiling more! 

[Zane]

Am I Happy? 

Do you ever have a moment where all you want is peace and quiet so you have time to unwind and deeply relax? I realize that i've been making relaxation and slowing down one of my highest priorities in my life. But why? I realize how American society rejects relaxation, meditation, contemplation and slowing down as being lazy and unproductive and that's a huge problem. I realize that we're taking more and more pride in working long hours and cramming our lives to fill time. We are obsessed with schedules and we get so stressed out by inconveniences or delays and we lost our patience. We cling to phones and forget how to relax and create and take time to ourselves. I spend time relaxing to focus on enjoying and embracing the solitude. I realize that a beautiful Spring or Summer or Fall day makes me sigh deeply in relaxation and I say "the moment is golden!" The amazing thing is that my golden moments in life are skyrocketing and it feels amazing! It brings me back to the time of being in California loving the weather and being deeply blissful. I truly feel like I'm at the happiest i've been in life because I take a chunk of time out of my day just to relax and to savor life's beauty. Going with the flow and just enjoying the life is savoring life's true richness! I notice how absorbing myself in the moment has radically changed my personality. When delays or inconveniences happen, I let the frustration happen and blow over rather than vent angrily at someone. It's pointless to lash out because you're dragging the other person to your level into your hell! Enjoying the moment reveals that Paradise is internal and that you can wipe the slate clean of the bullshit of pettiness, anger, stress, and "obligations." It's like I'm in a meditative state of inner peace without even trying to meditate and my monkey mind of panic and chaos isn't ruling me! I wonder if I'm on to something deeper than just being happy in the moment? Am I creating a new mental state? I'm excited where this leads to! If you were to ask me "are you happy?" I would say completely confidently and genuinely "yes!! I create happiness for every day!" 

 

Here are a few examples of how I create instant happiness in my life. Every night before bedtime, I make sure to drink tea with melatonin tablets! It feels wonderful to feel how wonderfully hot and soothing the tea is and to drink it slowly and to truly savor it! You can smell it intensely and it warms up your soul and it helps you truly enjoy the tea! It brings back memories of enjoying a delicious and frosted cake! Another moment of creating instant happiness in the moment is playing with your cat and laughing aloud at your cat's adorable quirks like sticking out it's tongue and rolling over on it's tummy and attacking your hand like it's a toy and ripping up a catnip mouse to shreds. It's so sadistic and yet hilarious! I spent the whole month of October absorbing myself in Halloween classic movies like Halloween cartoons like "Over the Garden Wall" and classic Halloween films like "Coraline" and "Corpse Bride." These films bring my back to my childhood joy and imagination and I feel like i've returned to the paradise of childhood. 

 

I realize that I'm re-capturing the paradise lost of childhood and it has made me feel truly alive and it feels amazing! I'm into something great and I'm bursting with hope and excitement! But what's coming up for my future next? I'll wait and see!  

Edited October 21, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

Risks and Rewards of Authenticity

Let me make this perfectly clear: authenticity is NOT being weird for the sake of being weird just to piss people off! Authenticity is not blurting out your thoughts to be "honest." I've been questioning the meaning of authenticity and I've been looking inward to discover authenticity.

In late 2014 to early 2015, I wrote a definition of non-conformity in my Twenties Journal.

"

My Definition of Nonconformity

I define nonconformity as having total freedom to design my lifestyle however I please. An anecdote for nonconformity is “imagine that you are a filmmaker and that you have complete creative control over your project with no interference from the Hollywood system or the studio. You have an auteur license that grants you freedom to do whatever you want. Nonconformity is living everyday like it’s a Saturday or a Sunday. Nonconformity eliminates the dread of the Monday blues.  I describe nonconformity as a lifestyle where you can you are living your dream BUT you are strategizing and taking action on turning your dream into reality. What is your greatest dream in life? My greatest dream in Life is to become a lifelong traveler who has visited the whole United States and every continent. My dream life is connecting with a network of travelers and artists who have seized golden opportunities and who love and cherish Life. Nonconformity is being both an adult and a child. I want you to feel the exuberance of a child on the playground swinging on the swings. Children have so much energy and exuberance while adults are overworked and can’t relax. 

What is my strategy for creating my dream life? I will apply Chris Guillebeau’s approach of pursuing a quest and to have long-term happiness. Chris used travel hacking and frugality to achieve his dream quest of visiting all the planet’s countries by age 35. Rolfe Potts, Rashad  Matt Kepnes, and Conni Biesalki’s approaches to world travel. Rashad and Matt were both corporate prisoners who quit their jobs and dedicated their lives to travel. I want you to start your unconventional lifestyle earlie. 

Nonconformity is not acting weird to get attention from other people. Nonconformity is not being a poser!! Nonconformity is not blindly rejecting social norms! An excellent example of hypocritical nonconformity are Mall Goths who claim to be tortured and depressed while they live a highly privileged life in a first world country. Mall Goths, Skaters, and Emos are NOT non-conformists but they are deluded posers who copy a subculture’s style. Bella Swan claims to be “tortured” but her love for Edward and Jacob and their dedication to her serves as evidence to the contrary.   

I define nonconformity as having an artist’s mindset and an explorer’s mindset towards Life. I describe the nonconformist is the wallflower who sits alone in the room and who has loud conversations with himself. The nonconformist has a notebook with them and the nonconformist’s sketches consist of odd doodles, fragments of stories, and their own ideas. A nonconformist is the student who struggled in school but persisted because of a strong and intrinsic desire to learn and a strong fascination in niche subjects like Shakespearean literature, animation history particularly the Golden Age, the Renaissance Age, and stop motion animation particularly claymation. The nonconformist has a splash of bright hair dye. The nonconformist can be a quiet and contemplative introvert or a wild and crazy rogue. The nonconformist doesn’t have mundane dreams about taking a test or being naked. The nonconformist’s dreams are epic and surrealistic. They might imagine themselves living in a world like Wonderland and being arrested by the Queen of Hearts. In their dream, they interact with the Mad Hatter, March Hare and the Dormouse and create an improv troupe.  For example, the nonconformist imagines themselves as a Heisenberg-style badass on the run from the law. A non-conformist dream is an epic story. For example, my dreams are a combination of Gothic Horror and Psychadelia. Sometimes my dreams are in a historical setting or I’m a character in a movie!! In one dream, I will a slave working on a plantation and I am sweltering in the boiling sun feeling mosquitoes on my back, a headache from dehydration, the sting of the whip, and bleeding and callused hands from cotton picking. The overseer screams at me and strikes my back with a cowhide whip. Blood pours from my welts on my back and I scream in agony. 

The non-conformist is highly frustrated by tradition such as sitting in church or listening to a rambling and pedantic lecture in a dry monotone. The non-conformist would be the spontaneous class clown who causes the class to burst in laughter. 

An excellent example of a fictional nonconformist is Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.’ Let us look at the time period of “Beauty and the Beast.” It is the 1770s in a French village consisting of uneducated farmers and hunters. The illiteracy rate in the village is very high and the townspeople are easily superstitious and they cling to tradition by rejected anything they perceive as “odd”. The townspeople are strongly socially conditioned into believing that the man is the sole breadwinner and that the woman is only supposed to marry and have children. However, the beliefs the villagers have been conditioned with highly deceptive beliefs. 

For example, one of the most destructive and sexist beliefs is that “it’s not right for a woman to read. Soon she’ll start getting ideas and thinking!” This belief implies that reading and freethinking are mutually exclusive and that a woman’s purpose in life is to conform to the traditional gender role of being a housewife. The major problem with the belief is that it implies that women are idiots whose only purpose is to serve the needs of their husband. 

The villagers in “Beauty and the Beast” are heavily immersed in social conditioning and they are completely unaware of concepts like personal development or self-actualization. The villagers are wasting their lives by conforming to societal expectations and the harsh truth is that the villagers are living unconsciously and have no awareness of how they’re wasting their potential. The villagers live caged lives where they are stuck in their little town. Unfortunately, the villagers lionize Gaston as a hero without realizing that Gaston is really a narcissist who is exploiting the villagers into “loving” him. Gaston has a highly inflated ego that is easily shattered by any criticism. Gaston deludes himself into believing that he is a knight in shining armor who is rescuing the damsel Belle from the Beast. Unfortunately Gaston never realizes the error of his ways and his pride and narcissism is what causes Gaston’s self-destruction. 

Belle is an excellent example of a healthy nonconformist who is highly imaginative and who uses her books and her imagination as a coping mechanism to escape the boredom of her village and her dreams come true. Belle doesn’t care about how other people perceive her but she is perceived by the villagers as a bookworm and a dreamer who is disrupting the status quo and who is crazy. Throughout history, the eccentric and creative people were branded as “dreamers” and “idiots”. Belle also achieves her life dream and is able to get out of her small town and become fully self-actualized. Belle is not a violent rebel. She is a dreamer and an outcast! Honestly, if I was a character in “Beauty and the Beast,” I would be Belle’s close friend who was another misfit in town. When I would talk to her, I would gaze into her eyes"

 

Notice how I NEVER described authenticity as being a violent anarchist who is causing anger and violence in the streets! It's not driving drunk and violating curfews to be "rebellious." It's not being defiant just to spite authority! It's not farting loudly and burping loudly to repel people! It's not screaming out bile in public and on forums! Authenticity is multifaceted and it could mean expressing yourself deeply through creating art! It could mean being lovable and childlike! It could mean tapping into our dormant authentic self! It could be being uproariously funny with no mental filters! It could mean going onstage with no regrets! It's freeing yourself from the imposed limits of limiting beliefs, mental filters, neuroses, and especially people pleasing and fear. It brings you back to the paradise lost of childhood! I've been practicing it heavily and it's extremely sexy and attractive because it gets people to remember you and you magnetically attract new friends through it. However, some people will ask if "you're drunk or high?" Some people will judge you as 'weird!" You could embarrass and repel people but it's so rewarding to be authentic!

Authenticity is the key to literary movements like Modernism, art movements like Dadaism and Cubism and Futurism,  to poetry movements like Modernist Poetry, Post-Modernism and Contemporary Poetry, music scenes like jazz particularly improv jazz like bebop, rock music, indie rock, punk rock, alternative rock, and so many other genres. In politics, authenticity is what caused revolutions and rebellions, activist movements, and LGBT culture! Subcultures and countercultures highly value authenticity as the pinnacle value! Quakerism was created to rebel against religious oppression! 

Question! Would you fully express your deepest creativity outwardly? Would you rather go up on stage and fully immerse yourself in character? Would you publish that story? Would you do all those imitations? Would you audition for that part? Would you make that hot girl burst into laughter? Or would you let that potential, that passion, and that inner child rot away and die? 

I'm authentic to free myself from regrets, from misery, from mediocrity, and from fear and to experience pride, love, passion, and NO REGRETS!! 

 

Edited October 22, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

Leo's Intuition Video 

Today I watched Leo's Intuition video and this revealed some fascinating insights about me! I realize that I'm in the process of mastering my intuition NOT just in solitude but in everyday life and ESPECIALLY for my creativity and my emotions. I'm a writer and I have an overactive imagination completely driven by intuition and dream logic. My mind absorbs ideas, stories, and imagery like a sponge but is overwhelmed by logic, math, dogmatism and rules. I always break down when someone lashes out angrily at me because I absorb the person's anger as my own pain! I feel like I'm partly responsible for the person's pain. That's why I constantly apologize! I do it to prevent anger from other people! My outbursts of enthusiasm were entirely intuitive and it felt amazingly cathartic just to laugh and to not give a fuck. I remember being so swelled with enthusiasm that I just get on stage for an improv show, I auditioned for a dream role and got the part, and I get so overwhelmed with passion that I release it through laughter and uproarious applause and it got attention from actors. The actors at my favorite theater recognized my passion and I learned that I had a reputation as their favorite audience member. Intuition applies to socializing where my passion is overflowing and I don't hold myself back  and we get so immersed in conversation that I get someone's number. It feels like the social awkwardness dissolves effortlessly! I feel like i'm a comedian creating jokes effortlessly when the inner light of Passion flares up. Acting on intuition is what creates effortless authenticity where you don't just tap into the inner child you embrace it! Comedic intuition skyrockets your spontaneous creativity and you do imitations and improvise scenes effortlessly. You tell stories easily and you immerse people in your stories easily!

For my self-actualization, I've been heavily journaling my insights through my Twenties Journal which looks at the big picture of my 20s from 20 years old to 29 years old where I record any happy moment or happy day or big event that happens to me. It could be as small as "playing with my cat and laughing" or "going on a date and it went great" and by recording my happiest moments and days and being mindful of them, happiness flows effortlessly to me rather than frantically searching for it. I notice how people react to my intuition and some asked me "are you drunk or high or crazy?" Or "I envy you! It comes so easily to you!" or "I wish i could be like that!" or "you're awesome!" or "I can't take you seriously!" To respond to "am i drunk or high or crazy?" I answer "i've been down the rabbit hole and I embraced the madness" or "I don't need drugs, I am drugs!" When people say "I wish i can be like that" I say "you can create yourself not copy me!" or "I can't take you seriously!" I answer "well you're too serious!!" 

What the video taught my is that intuition and authenticity are becoming my super powers and it's a tragedy that people are blindly unaware of intuition, don't listen to it, or let it rot, or hear it but don't act on it! 

I want my intuition to help me become effortlessly creative, break through barriers and limits easily, embrace change and to accomplish so much more! I'm onto to something great and I'm looking forward! 

I realize that stories, movies, and theater are my muses in physical form who are inspiring me and giving me advice and i'm listening to them! 

Edited October 23, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

Creating Personal Freedom 

A few questions I've been asking myself is "what is inner freedom? am I free? what's limiting me from freedom? What's the path to freedom? What is inner slavery? Am i a prisoner or am i breaking free or am i already free?"

Freedom is my all time favorite word because of how rich and deeply meaningful and how multifaceted it is. Freedom could be an emotion, it could be a lifestyle, it could be our choices, it could be how we react, or it could be our degree of autonomy or our mindset! To tackle these questions and to learn about freedom, I had a growing passion for learning about politics and I studied ideologies and political systems and I realized how broad and complex political philosophy, political systems, and ideologies could be. For example, anarchism is not just an ideology, it's a whole school of thought. Socialism is not just Communism but it's also a school of thought with so many ideologies that connect together and yet have strong disagreements. What I noticed about anarchism, Libertarianism, democracy and so many other ideologies is that they all strived for the ideals of personal freedom and were created as defiance of tyranny and yet despite wanting freedom these ideologies are polarized against each other. Freedom also applies to religion particularly Christianity and Salvation and Heaven, Judaism and the Promised Land, Buddhism and Nirvana and so much more! To simplify my statement, freedom is deeply rooted in humanity's history and is prominent in our culture especially politics and religion.  

The purpose of storytelling and music was to lift people's spirits and to make the best of living in Hell. For example, black slaves in the South retold their cultural folklore and their music to lift their spirits and to rebel against their masters. Tricksters like Br'er Rabbit represented the slave who challenged the master through their own wits. These stories and religion lifted the slaves' hopes and inspired the slaves with a grand vision of freedom. 

To explore these questions about freedom, I will give my answers but keep in mind, that these are answers in progress and i still need to dig deeper 

1. What is inner freedom?

Freedom is such a broad term that applies heavily to culture and is the bedrock of philosophy, politics and ideologies! I want to focus on freedom as something psychological and internal! I see freedom as very broad because it applies to our personal autonomy, our mind, our thinking, our choices and ESPECIALLY our intuition. I see inner freedom as self-actualization where we create our own life purpose, our own personal values, and where we use all our inner resources like intuition, creative thinking, imagination, visionary thinking, visual thinking, logic and analysis and our mind and body to accomplish the amazing in life. Inner freedom can also mean cleaning the slate of inner demons who destroy our lives both consciously and unconsciously. For example, to confront Anger and Stress, you learn how these emotions work, you accept the emotions or you learn how to change them. For example, I used to be a very stressed out person who would get easily frustrated so I tackled the problem by getting a lot of personal help through tutoring so I can learn how to be strategic and flexible rather than a victim. It taught me how to be 100% more autonomous with my assignments so I can deal with the work and change. I dedicated myself to clearing my mind of Stress by combining meditation, deep relaxation, and detaching myself from stress. I have moments where I'm so immersed in the moment that my mind isn't in monkey mind! My mind is lucid and is aware of the breezy wind, how relaxing it feels, the sights, sounds, and smells of nature. It's like I'm in a meditative flow state without even trying to! My highest priority for my inner freedom is mastering my intuition and returning to my childhood state of the enthusiastic storyteller and entertainer. My life feels like I'm returning to a flow state where I get so invested in stories and the richness of life that time flows by effortlessly. I'm getting closer and closer to inner freedom every day! It's amazing how dedicated I am to inner freedom and I'm only 22! I realized that pursuing inner freedom has given me a huge advantage over my peers who might be struggling with inner turmoil and external crises such as being deeply stressed out, unfulfilled, overworked, and feeling like victims. I feel like I'm currently a Creator with some elements of being at peace but I might have a few areas where i have an element of victim thinking. 

 

2. What's limiting me from freedom?

If i think back to my child, this is where I had most of my greatest limitations! I had a self-image issue of being a social misfit and being stupid and clumsy and that I was bad at math and that I was socially awkward. These mental limits were huge impediments to my success in social skills and math class! I remember blurting out non sequitirs and getting strange looks at best and repelling people at worst. I spent all of elementary school, middle school, and half of high school feeling lonely and friendless. I didn't just desire any friend but friends who understood me and who were at peace with being different. I dissolved these limits through personal therapy and group therapy where I learned to socialize better but there was something missing. What was missing was that there was barely any spark of life in these group sessions! I felt obligated to socialize and it lacked the spontaneity I desired. Now, conversation has got much easier for me because i finally met people who share my passion but I discovered that my technique is to be a highly selective niche socializer who chooses friends carefully and on my own terms rather than randomly socializing with every person. It's ok to be disinterested or aloof to people you don't want to talk to! It's ok to be extroverted around your friends! You don't have to fake politeness just to keep up appearances! I'm learning how to balance social skills with authenticity without any people pleasing or selling out yourself. For the classes i struggled in I used the help of tutors and academic coaching for guidance and that was a huge help. When I went through my asocial phase, I decided to break through it by pursuing my passions by getting involved in my Writing Club at school, meeting more people at my school or in the local area, getting involved in Meetup groups based around creative writing and presenting poetry, and going more to movies, to theater productions, and to improv shows. It felt like I was a rich sipping whiskey and all my flavors were opening up completely! The clubs and meetups, the movies, the theater and the improv and the storytelling events were like my muse fully revealing itself after hiding in the shows. My muse is reborn and I can not just hear it but I can see it and it has multiple incarnations. My muses are a polytheistic pantheon of gods! 

 

 

3. What's the path to freedom?

This is such a broad question because many people define freedom differently and spend their whole lives asking this question. Some seek out the answer by meditating for years, some convert to a new religion, some people travel the world to seek their calling, some people create art, some people change careers, and some people like Leo change their purpose many times over and perfecting it and seeking newer and better levels. For example, Leo started in aerospace engineering, then studied philosophy, then got a job in video games, quit that job, started his first business, quit that first business, studied pickup and relationships in Las Vegas and then bootstrapped Actualized.org and is now doing Enlightenment work and is now experimenting with psychedelics. My path to freedom is hearing my intuition first, listening to it, meeting it in person through stories, theater, film, and music and animation and acting on it and discovering so many new passions like storytelling through creative writing, theater, and drama and spoken word poetry. Now I'm learning about life purpose, personal values, personal freedom and self-actualization and I'm getting more ecstatic for the possibilities! However, I feel like the sun is just rising and the dark night of the soul has ended but there are infinite possibilities on the horizon. I'm too excited for these possibilities and I want my mind to be blown! 

 

4. What is a mental slave? Am I a prisoner or am i breaking free? 

A mental slave is the prisoner in the Allegory of the Cave. They're chained up with their peers and their mobility is completely limited and all they're aware of is the cave, and the cave's eternal darkness. However, there is an amazing outer world and there is a fire outside of the cave. The people in the cave are aware of the shadows on the cave walls and they try to explain the shadows but all they can do is guess because they are ignorant of the outside world and are only aware of the cave. A prisoner frees themselves from the cave and sees the outside world but his eyes are blinded by the fire's light because he spent so much time in the darkness. Maybe, people are overwhelmed by my enthusiasm because they're so used to the cave of their misery that the enthusiasm is the blinding light. Perhaps they see enthusiasm as "weird" because they completely embraced the cave and accepted it as normal for them! Or they secretly envy the enthusiasm and are afraid of their own potential and they reject the enthusiasm! The cave could be their comfort zone, their misery, their fear of change, their ego, and their small and closed minds. The light from the fire could be passion, intuition, knowledge, novel experiences, stories, history, or freedom. However, the light could be blinding and scary to a dogmatic mind! I vow to be the cave's fire that inspires a lonely and unfulfilled person with hope!

I remember how in 2013, I felt like a mental slave where I was trapped in my self-created prison of stress, overwhelm, and the looming deadline. I felt like I was in blackness but I was able to see a chink in the wall where I saw the sunlight. Leo described it as "a little sparkle in a sea of shit." I remember feeling like a ship trying to bear a shit storm of impending stress. I felt so overwhelmed by it all that I spiraled out of control and I failed miserably. After failing, all I was left with was a deep dread of revealing the truth but the truth sets you free. I could've easily been a mental slave where embraced death to be put of my misery. I died and I was re-born! I knew I can create change for myself and I got the help I needed and reconstructed the destroyed foundation. As I re-created everything, I began feeling hope return but it was like a small flame that would strike into a blaze of glory. I'm feeling the blaze of glory! I freed myself from prison and I'm re-discovering what freedom feels like! Freedom feels like eating a delicious meal after eating bland prison food for ages! Freedom feels like re-connecting with the beach and water and running down the beach feeling the waves and the sun! Freedom is returning to childhood and re-capturing the paradise of nostalgia! Freedom is re-capturing with a true sense of home and belonging! Now that I discovered Freedom again, I need to fully embrace it through gratitude and love. If i have another deep crisis which could happen, I will tell myself "I can be free again! I saw the light and I became the light!" 

[Zane]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Why October 2016 Was The Best Month This Year 

2016 has been a turbulent year in pop culture and political history! So many celebrities, starting with David Bowie and Alan Rickman, and other great musicians and actors have died especially Prince which feels like the end of an era. Politically, the 2016 election between Clinton and Trump has dominated the media and TV news, and Brexit has been turbulent for the UK and the EU. For my life, I used 2016 as an opportunity to be even better than last year 2015 which I considered a consistently great year and a huge leap forward from the doldrums and hell of 2013 and the progress of 2014. What made 2016 so great so far and yet so stressful was that I averted a major crisis. I accomplished a 50 hour internship for my Education 302 class and it was the most-time consuming and time crunch project of the year and it could've been a huge failure but with personal autonomy, professional academic help, extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, hard work, and perseverance I accomplished it on top of a big final term paper for the class. It seems like 2016 would be a peak, plateau, and a plummet but it was a cycle of peak, plateau, and peak because of being strategic and flexible and learning from mistakes and failures. The worst point in 2016 was realizing in early March that I only completed 7 hours of my internship, so I buckled down and had to think strategically and be flexible and work hard and by early May, I won. 

Summer 2016 was honestly a better summer than 2015 and Summer 2015 was one of the best summers in my life! What made 2016 such a great summer were all the opportunities I've seized were aligned with my passions. I saw so many theater productions like two Synetic Theater productions, Phantom of the Opera at the Kennedy Center, Paul Simon in concert, and a free production of The Tempest in the front row and a few other shows and I have zero regrets for supporting theater. I also expanded my involvement in open mic poetry where I found an outlet for my manic energy. During Fall 2016, I channeled that manic energy into acting by auditioning for Dr. Frank N Furter in "Rocky Horror" and I got the lead role

! I also focused on being completely open to expressing myself in conversations and stop faking politeness just to get accepted. A few of my top values are freedom and authenticity, intuition (creativity, and flow), humor, and passion and ESPECIALLY self-actualization which is my Gold Standard. The values I reject are conformity, loyalty, and ESPECIALLY blind obedience and being spineless and weak willed and being easily offended and neurotic and being miserable and clinging to traditions and being dogmatic and being petty and bitter. I realize how empowering and magical unapologetic authenticity works because it truly makes you the life of the party, it easily starts conversations, it makes people laugh easily and opens people up and it doesn't just tap into the inner child and comedian but it fully embraces it, declares the inner comedian their soul mate, and makes love to the inner comedian with zero regrets. However I also focus on being genuine and open about my strengths and 

October 2016 has been a GREAT month if not the best month of a great year!!! What made the month so great was my whole Fall Break which involved seeing a great play on a bargain Orchestra ticket and "Dante's Inferno" on a student discount ticket in the front row. I also finally got to meet a person i've been talking to online since August and we cuddled and had a great time together. I spent the whole month watching Halloween classics and I realized that I returned to my childhood. Watching "Over the Garden Wall" "Coraline" "ParaNorman" and "Corpse Bride" and "Rocky Horror Live" felt like I returned to the paradise lost of my childhood where I re-discovered that childlike joy I got from all the movies I watched. Returning to childhood feels like all the stress has dissolved away and has never existed. It feels like being overjoyed and ecstatically drunk where you're so immersed in flow that you stop thinking and over-analyzing the experience and want the moment last. When it passes you are completely immersed in the moment that you're laughing ecstatically and you don't give a damn. 

I realize that I'm achieving Leo's list wants of Being Authentic, Time Flowing By, and Reality Being Magical again! I'm realizing that I'm fulfilling my deepest inner desires and I realize that my deepest desire is to be free and to be ecstatically in love and feel rapturous bliss. The great news is that I'm only 22 and I'm realizing these deepest goals and I'm not mis-identfying goals like wanting love, sex, money, fame, and power which are unfulfilling. I'm realizing how unfulfilled mainstream society is! I'm realizing that I'm blazing the trail for self-actualization but I can go deeper. I realize that self-actualization is a core desire! 

 

Returning to childhood is NOT a weekend trip, it's the new path to something grander!! It feels like I'm sipping from the Holy Grail and dabbling my feet into the Fountain of Youth to test the waters! I'm on a great start but the peak experiences are building more and more and will escalate into something  

Edited October 31, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

DON'T BE YOURSELF!!! DISCOVER YOURSELF OR CREATE YOURSELF!!! 

One of the most cliched pieces of "wisdom" is "be yourself!" It's been deeply drilled into our minds through pop culture! But I always saw it as a shallow and vague aphorism! I see SO MANY inspirational quotes from great thinkers and philosophers overlaid with a PhotoShopped nature pictures all over the Internet. I used to share them! I'm starting to realize how meaningfully meaningless these quotes are. The claim behind these quotes is that they will "change your life" but there's no concrete strategy behind these quotes. Whenever I hear "be yourself," I mimic the quote in a voice overlaid with schmaltz to highlight the sappiness of the quote.

Instead of following these aphorisms blindly, re-consider them!! Ask "why be yourself?" "Who are you?" Or ask more deeply "who do you want to become?" After coming to your own answers, write down your answers and start creating a vision from these answers. For example "I envision myself as an effortlessly creative and authentic man who is grounded in his own freedom, who is detached from neediness, and who is motivated intrinsically and creatively rather than blindly seeking money, power, and sex. He still makes money, has power, and has sex but it's not his highest priorities! My highest priorities are my creativity and expressing my gift and discovering my gift!" I observe comedians and actors and my favorite characters and ask "what makes them irresistible and how can I make myself irresistible?" I don't focus on wanting to be liked or needing approval! I focus on being funny and mastering my repertoire and delivery and hyping myself up and cheering myself up by being other characters!  

I spent my whole life asking "who am I?" I realized that I'm unsure of my identity and I feel like my soul is possessed by Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr because I keep slipping into my own characters. I realize that I'm so deeply fascinated and attached to characters that I think more like an actor!  I'm looking for an ideal character who captures my deepest passions and that fits me like a relaxed and classy jacket. 

Perhaps, to discover my identity, I should consider some high-yield strategies to discover my identity. For my discovery, I dedicated my time to discovering my niche particularly creative writing and I was involved in clubs affiliated with my passions. I'm focusing on creating a social circle based around mutual passions like I'm creating my own subculture. However, I went through years of feeling rejected and out of place in cultures! I feel like I'm discovering my own culture or creating my own culture! I don't just want any friend! I want a variety of friends affiliated with my deepest passions that feels like true companions NOT just roommates. However, a even higher priority than community WOULD BE my life purpose and values and how to act on the purpose and values. I feel like my purpose is to create stories and poetry and to share it before I die so I can be proud of my life and have no regrets. 

I feel like I'm getting closer to the meat and to the core of my authentic self but I can always go deeper! How can I master my authenticity? What possibilities are open to me? How can I create new possibilities? 

Edited November 7, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

On 10/19/2016 at 11:41 PM, ajasatya said:

hello, @Zane

i want you to know that i love you. please, listen to this song whenever you suspect that you're lying to your feelings.

also, let us know if you start writing a book or something with your stories. all this suffering you face will turn you into the strongest person you'll ever meet.

Thank you so much for the comment and your support!!! 

[Zane]

Thoughts on Leo's Culture Video 

My favorite Leo videos are his rants on mainstream society, his rant on the Pickup Community, and his most recent rant on culture because these rants are grounded in insight, research, entertaining his audience, and education and realizations. When Leo explained struggling to fit into cultures as a child at the start of the video, I instantly shouted "LEO, YOU THE MAN!!" I flashed back to my childhood and I remember struggling to fit in because of my Autism, lack of social skills, and feeling weird. I feel like I'm somewhat of an outsider in my own family because I'm not the most achievement driven and I have zero interest in pursuing Corporate America. I don't focus on multitasking at many achievements and I like to limit my focus and spend time relaxing and valuing a lot of time by myself rather than over-commit myself to everything! I don't want to burn myself out and I focus on my own happiness! Some perceive me as antisocial but the truth is I'm very selective of my social circle and I commit myself to creating my own social circle. I notice how I can easily vibe with people who share my passions but I feel detached in group conversations and from strangers I could be. I know that I want friends but not just any friends! 

I notice how I don't particularly follow the latest trends and I'm not caught up on fashion trends and don't obsessively cling to the "coolest" fad because I'm aware that it will thrive and fade away. I notice how subcultures and fashion trends start obscure, become mainstream, fade into obscurity, and are revived. 

I have a deep fascination for cultures, particularly subcultures and countercultures and fandoms because it shows how powerful and magnetic ideas can be. The strongest example of this is the fiery rhetoric of Donald Trump and how it has created a revival of bigotry in America. One of the reasons people could be so captivated towards Trump is because of outrage towards the current political scene and economy and fear of change particularly immigrants. Trump knows how to exploit people's fear and paranoia and he is the master of exploiting the chimp brain! I've always seen myself as the scapegoat who Trump and his followers would detest and brand as "freak" "crazy" or "weird" because I'm fascinated and curious by creativity and ideas and I like to think and educate myself. Trump's followers is why blind social conformity terrifies me! 

What makes culture so fascinating are the links and strong parallels between cliques and subcultures! For example, I'll give a case study and cross-comparison between two subcultures that outwardly seem completely different but are more similar to each other if you look more closely. For example, Hip Hop, Jazz and Slavery Storytelling and Music are much more closely associated with each other! 

1. The purpose of slave storytelling and music, jazz, and hip hop were an outlet of creative expression and rebellion from the oppressor. The slaves would tell stories about the "small and weak" tricksters who would outwit the bigger and dumber animals much like the slaves outwitting their master through rebellion and proving their master wrong. Black music during slavery evolved from African tribal chants and oral storytelling in African tribes! Jazz's purpose was to focus on the skill of the musician, the music's energy, and the loose and spontaneous structure of the music as opposed to how tightly controlled classical music and big band was. Jazz would become even more avant-garde and would reject music structure and be completely improvised! Hip hop started as block party music that merged spoken word poetry with the spontaneity of jazz and the art of collage by sampling music and re-creating it in the context of the hip hop/rap song. 

What slave storytelling/music, jazz and hip hop all have in common is that it shows how the most effective and revolutionary rebellion is creativity and self-expression and using a variety of outlets to cope with oppression! Creativity is freedom from oppression and it keeps people's hopes up! Creativity is what creates ideas and makes the mind and imagination concrete! 

What I want to take from Leo's Culture video is that I want Leo to explore creativity and how it's a central ethos to countercultures. I feel like Creativity is my central ethos for my life! 

[Zane]

My Thoughts on Donald Trump!

Donald Trump is the embodiment of my worst nightmares and my worst enemy! Whenever I hear him attack people, I seethe with anger but I also laugh hysterically and I also feel deep fear. When I first heard about him running for President, I thought that this was a huge joke but in the later months, through the Republican debates and the Presidential debates, the more I lashed out at him! On Wednesday morning, when I first heard the results, I was in shock for the whole day. "How could this happen?" I asked. Fortunately, I called my Mom and Dad to discuss the news and it felt cathartic to talk it out! My mom and dad both understood my concerns but my dad told me to wait and see! Yesterday, I decided that I'm not going to passive and be stagnant in a victim mindset. I re-grounded myself in a creator mindset and I decided "fuck it! I'm going to do whatever it takes!" I'm not just going to stop whining and deal with it! That would cause deep complacency! So I arranged a session with my college's mental health therapist and counselor, my career advisor, and a Study Abroad advisor to create a strategy where I can find a way to get out of a potentially bad situation but I won't make the choice rashly. I'm also focusing on an open dialogue at my college regarding money and politics, being an LGBT ally, a Donald Trump walkout, getting involved with a Facebook Trump resistance group, and participating in the protest on Inauguration Day. I will also follow the news BUT not religiously to keep track of any scenario! I will also focus on inviting friends to have coffee with in solidarity to give people a sense of community, purpose, and hope. I've focused on saying hello to people and wishing "stay safe please!" and "have a great day!" There is still time until Inauguration Day so there could still be hope and one thing to keep in mind is that Obama and Clinton have offered to counsel the new President Elect. There's also to consider that Trump's power is limited and he will be at conflict with both Democrats and Republicans and the democratic process is a very complex and bureaucratic process so it's possible that some of his ideas or most of them might be impractical and just demagoguery! Trump might not even be able to handle the power of the Presidency and can suffer from the huge stress and might not take it! I'm trying to look at the scenario broadly rather than be doom and gloom. 

Here's what I'll focus on 

1. Being a strategic thinker, pragmatic, a creator mindset and willing to be flexible about any solution. ESPECIALLY being creative and expressing my creativity through stories and poetry! I refuse to be passive and just deal with it! Focusing on school and graduating! Also as a possibility consider moving abroad to someplace tropical and affordable! 

2. Self-care 

3. Making new friends and maintaining current friendships 

4. Getting involved in on-campus events, the resistance group, and keeping updated with the news but also giving myself space from the toxicity 

4. Entertain the possibilities of a Trump America. Consider the structure of American democracy, ask "what if?" scenarios, focus on how polarizing Trump's views could be, focus on Trump being pressured to rebrand his image, focus on Trump being incompetent, what if Trump turns out to hate having power and can't bear the stress, what if Trump's demagoguery has no practical grounding and is just meaningless rhetoric. What if this election is Trump's last straw? Or also "what if Trump decided to cooperate more with the Democrats and Republicans and strove towards unity?  

Edited November 11, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

The Election Is A Blessing In Disguise

WARNING! THIS POST ISN'T JUST NAIVE OPTIMISM!! 

"A blessing in disguise" is one of those overused sayings that seems to be self help goobleygook like "believe in yourself" 'be yourself" "don't worry be happy" and "follow your dreams." While well-intentioned these aphorisms have became completely cliched and no longer resonate and are often mocked as Hallmark greeting cards or fortune cookie wisdom! 

The purpose of this post shows how unconscious people are regarding the Election cycle and how self-actualization NEEDS URGENCY in our society rather than pursuing material success. Donald Trump EMBODIES someone with ZERO self-actualization because he values material success, being rich, and unlimited power and greed and hubris which are Stage Orange at Best and Stage Red at Worst. After learning about the rising hatred and hatred becoming more normalized, I rebel against this by using my comedy and enthusiasm as my self-expression of my freedom! I'm also focusing on being strategic by getting involved in a new political club at my school called Democracy Matters, educating myself about politics, focusing on finishing the semester excellently and being strategic about my future and being flexible with my options and being an LGBT ally.

The election is a blessing in disguise because humanity can realize their own failures and learn more about self-actualization but there is a darkness to it! I've observed how dogmatic beliefs ESPECIALLY political beliefs can be and the arguments it triggers and if you EVEN mention self-actualization, it could be denied at best and outwardly rejected at worst. However, I choose self-actualization over blind rage and hatred and I will create a better life for myself! I refuse to stoop to the blind hatred and be have my soul fucked up by toxicity. I'M FREE!!!!!!! The election can also have a silver lining because it could be a wake up call to Trump about how unfulfilling power is and how he's probably NEVER experienced real happiness and he focuses too much on his legacy and maybe his hubris will dawn on him! I picture this election being a huge downfall for him and the destruction to his ego but I bet he will cling to his power and deny it! 

I will cope with reality by NOT denying but being but by making choices NOT just to fight or cope but create solutions! I will spend next week fast tracking self-actualization through counseling, going to Study Abroad and Career Counseling and connecting with friends and making new friends!! 

[Zane]

Realization About George Bush and Donald Trump 

 

My opinion about George W Bush has radically changed recently! From 2000 to 2008 was one of the most turbulent periods in US history and I remember writing a letter in 2004 requesting President Bush to stop the war. I had genuine anger at the Bush Presidency for the wars and worsening Hurricane Katrina with the procrastination and lack of response and I felt a sense of helplessness! When I learned about him painting dogs and wounded war vets, I have a growing admiration and respect for this man. He's using his golden years to create art and he seems to show remorse for his actions! I also strongly respect Mike Tyson for that. I deeply admire it when a person who made mistakes or bad decisions realizes the error of their ways and tries to do better! I will gladly write Bush a letter congratulating his choice to paint and express forgiveness, gratitude and to wish him well! Bush has discovered purpose, meaning, and beauty in life and for that I see him as a new role model! I wish Bush well in his future!

I realized that George Bush is the new Bob Ross because both men had regrets and radically changed the direction of their lives! Bob Ross was a former drill sergeant and he regretted it because he thought it made him too mean. So he turned to painting and he mellowed out!

If I wrote him a letter, I would thank him for his paintings and ask him questions about "why do you paint?" I admire people driven by a sense of purpose or who find it later in life! I feel like I can have an unlikely, multi-generational friendship with Bush over self-expression!

I feel like Trump wants to be President because of the deep desire for his legacy, ego validation, greed, and a lack of fulfillment! I'm educating myself about self-actualization and life purpose and I've been applying that to look deeper at Donald Trump. Is it even possible for Trump to find fulfillment in life or will he keep lusting after power and is damned to be trapped in the vicious cycle? It can be possible but it might be too late for Trump! Trump is deeply trapped in his paradigm of Capitalism and Individualism and is deeply rooted in a winning mentality! I see BoJack Horseman in Donald Trump because of how they're seeking "fulfillment" in the most unfulfilling ways! Maybe Trump is trying to re-live the Glory Days of the 1980s and is living in a perpetual midlife crisis!

What Bush made me realize is how I have a major advantage because I've dedicated my whole life to discovering my life purpose and now that i'm educating myself about self-actualization and purpose, the answer is crystallizing for me! It's like digging for buried treasure and realizing that the treasure map and the treasure is within myself and I need to dig it out!

Edited November 15, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

Facing the Future

In a few weeks, my time at Guilford College comes to an end! My four years at college are years that were exciting, turbulent, highly stressful, regretful, a period of adjustment, friendship, loneliness, and discovering new opportunities and experiences and learning to simplify. If you asked me "what if I did it again? or "any regrets?" it isn't a clear cut yes or no answer. If I did Guilford over again, I feel like what I would've done differently is have a reduced course load from the beginning, and healthy routines ESPECIALLY a bedtime routine where I took melatonin and tea regularly to sleep better at night. I also should've reduced my course load to a manageable 12 credits per semester and got more consistent academic help. The great news is that I did make those changes for myself but during my second semester during my sophomore year. The great news was that I learned from my mistakes of poor habits which greatly sabotaged my classes, academic performance, my mental health, and it made me miserable and neurotic. After a disastrous semester, I finally decided enough was enough and I began to recreate my life and focus on simplifying and slowing down which greatly benefited me and now the rest of college has flowed much better. Even though these failures created a lot of needless stress and personal drama, I learned that I can deconstruct them and create a solution. This taught me how to be a master problem solver who is dedicated to seeking and implementing a solution to the problem and I suffered the consequences of procrastination. I learned that you can wipe the slate clean and start over again! I realized that I could've EASILY have been in this dysfunctional spot for the rest of college or the rest of my adulthood if I didn't act. I learned how to break out of the prison of the victim mindset. I do regret a lot of the choices I made during my early semester but I learned from my mistakes rather than let my failures define me. I learn that "failure is painful but impermanent!" 

Now, I'm in a place where I'm much happier and much more grounded because I'm discovering what truly makes me happy and how poetry slams, storytelling, and writing stories gives me joy. I'm learning how to relax much more and to give time to just relax and detach from my stress! I've had moments where I was wandering on a sunny day and I was focused on relaxing in the moment and just enjoying the moment. This helps me keep perspective to see how "life is good!" 

However, the past few weeks and the coming weeks are a tense time because I'm finishing my last semester of college and the election results have come in! Sadly, Donald Trump is the Presidential Elect and there has been national outrage! The national outrage is justified because Trump beat the whole odds of the election and people are terrified of the future. However, I will focus on resisting Trump but my outlet for rebellion is spreading laughter and joy through practicing storytelling and comedy because people need hope in their lives. I'm so energetic and passionate because I noticed how joyless the world becomes when we grow up. I watched Leo's Top Ten Things You Want video and I realized that I fulfilled the wants Leo described and this made me realize that I'm on the right track to life feeling magical again and to authenticity. I realize that I have a major advantage over a lot of adults and my own cohort! When i'm in a flow state of laughter and enthusiasm, I realize how fluid identity can be and how it's like an instrument 

For the future, I feel deeply excited about it, and I feel like I'm already seeking opportunities to create the best future for myself. After I end classes, my plan is to transition smoothly and take time contemplating the semester and looking at the experience deeply and questioning it so that I don't overwhelm myself with regrets in the future. I will take it one day at a time and not make rash decisions that come back to haunt me and bite me in the ass. I will be a strategic thinker about the future and I will consider the many possibilities. I will focus at looking into the future and having a vision but balancing contemplating the past with enjoying the present! 

I'm so excited about the possibilities of what could happen in a year or two! Regardless of what happens, I will be flexible and creative and see the opportunities in the future! Who knows what would happen but I will be guided by vision and purpose! I promise that I will be a creator AND not a victim or a fighter!! 

Edited November 22, 2016 by Zane

[Zane]

Being A College Graduate

 

This post is my realest and most authentic post!!!

My four and a half years at Guilford is officially over and I feel like I've been on an amazing adventure and I feel like I've transformed myself. College has been a time of exciting changes, turbulent stress regarding my own life and the world, discovering my purpose, meeting new friends and yet feeling alone, losing myself and re-discovering myself and truly being challenged and learning self-discipline. College can feel slow and yet it can feel fast! It can feel isolating yet deeply connecting! It can feel exciting and yet boring! It can be the best four years of your life, a mixed bag, or a disaster.

I feel like the first two years were paradoxically a period of excitement and yet intense stress and frustration. I will fully admit that I made bad choices like eating excess junk food, getting poor sleep and being tired and exhausted for my first couple years, taking on way too many classes than I can handle that were not at my level and burning myself out, creating a lot of stress for myself, and sabotaging myself. I would buy books and watching YouTube videos to fill the void and a lot of my time was wasted. My classes in my early years would've gone over a lot more smoothly if I learned to balance myself by reducing the course load and getting extensive help to make the work less work. I also should've eaten healthier and had more consistent routines ESPECIALLY my current tea drinking routine to relax myself. Late 2012 and all of 2013 was honestly, the worst and most stressful years in my life with a lot of inner turmoil and letting worries overwhelm me.

I got so burned out, that I changed for the worst and I feel like I died because after that semester and 2013, I feel emotionally detached from myself and from people and I was stuck in a mind-numbing cycle where I would feel uninspired. However, this was only a phase to the Golden Years I'm in now.

Late 2014-2016 were honestly the greatest years in college and it honestly felt like a Renaissance Age but what caused these great changes? I think that the main realization was realizing that I had freedom and that I can create freedom in my life. I also learned more about minimalism and how to master balancing my school with my free time! I also began discovering my authentic self and discovering my true friends and what classes aligned with my passion! I learned how much of my stress was creating by being unaware of what was causing the stress. I realize that I didn't want anymore stress in my life that burned me out! I also learned how to master my bubbly and outspoken nature to my advantage by focusing on the charm and charisma behind it rather than the awkwardness. This allowed me to be completely expressive of myself with no apologies. I realize that the great tragedy is how so few people realize this! They let the stress and the pain of the past limit them. Being authentic means to kill your self-consciousness and kill your inner critic and listen to your Muse and your intuition.

I also committed myself to the passion project of re-discovering my creativity and it felt AMAZING!!! I'm focusing on being productive because I love stories rather than work for the sake of work. I focus on creating art and enjoying it!! However, I've been inconsistent with the portfolio and I need more balance and consistency. I've been discovering what happiness really is! Happiness is so broad and yet so simple! It can be as simple as drinking hot tea and savoring it and all it's aromas. It can be as simple as walking outside on a beautiful Fall day with someone special to you. It can be as entertaining as an AWESOME cuddling session or a flowing conversation with a best friend. I'm getting closer and closer to self-actualization but the process is lifelong and I'm seeing the results. I'm discovering my soul friends and purpose because I have a clear vision and that burning desire!

Honestly, if someone was to ask me "do you have any regrets?" My answer would be "yes and no!" I do regret creating all the stress and problems with myself and burning myself out. However, if I would attend college again, I would've adopted the minimalist approach from the get go. I also would've been much more committed to my passions.

By going to the theater, re-watching childhood favorites, and by committing myself to my creative writing portfolio, I'm getting closer and closer to discovering my freedom and my authentic self! I'm MUCH happier and honestly, i'm at the happiest point in my life. I'm also focusing on detaching from politics and petty drama and the stress of life for peace of mind!

For the rest of my life, I'm going to dedicate myself to self-actualization and have SO MANY amazing new experiences and to help other people discover themselves.

[Zane]

Thoughts on 2016 

2016 is widely considered to be one of the worst years in recent memory for the celebrity deaths and political turbulence. However, I honestly consider 2016 to be one of the best years in my life that I've deeply longed for!! I graduated from Guilford College and I'm proud of this experience. Yes, i regret some elements of it and it to ok time to adjust but Guilford has both mellowed me out and burst open my enthusiasm to AMAZING new heights!! I committed myself to so much creativity and immersed myself in my childhood nostalgia and returned home. Re-watching films like "Coraline" and classic Tim Burton triggered DEEP nostalgia in me and it felt PROFOUND and AWE-INSPIRING!!!!!! I took some of my all time favorite classes, I went to the theater so much and fully let go of the inner boundaries and surrendered to the experience and felt the deep rapture. I've had great trips and discovering new experiences and auditioned for a play and expressed myself with ZERO shame and complete freedom. I learned how to be completely free with my enthusiasm without any fear of humiliation because I don't worry or care about the humiliation. I made AWESOME friends who are truly my soul friends and who i can easily talk to and express myself to. I notice how deep and intimate I can be with my true friends and this feels AMAZING!!!! I deepened my passions for theater, monsters, poetry, and storytelling and movies!!

I realize that 2016 didn't kill my spirits but raise my spirits!! I learned how to focus on creating a self-actualized life for myself and to detach myself from the world's suffering and collective cynicism!! I refuse to stoop to the low levels of people's toxicity!! I focus on detaching from toxicity and petty drama because it creates more inner pain!!! I've focused on coping with the pain strategically!

As 2017, I'm hyped for the New Year!!!!!

[Zane]

Goals and Vision for 2017 

1. Your highest priority is discovering your freedom and your inherent creativity! Every day will be focused on creation and telling a story! Focus on re-capturing that childhood experience of getting so deeply immersed in a story. Discover new role models of creativity, passions, and outlets for creativity! 

2. Focus on happiness and mindfulness by creating and telling stories, seeking out thrills and new experiences, getting actively involved in Quakerism and meditation, relaxing and enjoying life, laughing and making people laugh, and loving Life. Focus on detaching from inner and outer suffering! Life is short and you’re wasting your life when you’re creating needless suffering! Practice happiness! Continue your Twenties Journal and Happiness List 

3. Go on adventures and pursue new experiences! There’s a whole world out there and I want you to travel as much as you possibly can. Dedicate your twenties to travel and adventure! In a year, you might be living in a whole new city like New Orleans or New York or Vegas or Seattle. Be open to the possibilities! Make travel your highest spending priority rather than material goods! 

4. Keep making new friends! To make new friends use a variety of resources like Meetup groups, OkCupid, Facebook groups, Skype chats, and use all these outlets to make friends. Be persuasive but not forceful and express yourself genuinely. Re-connect with friends by inviting them for coffee! However, focus on avoiding toxic friends and focus on discovering soul friends! Focus on making one or a few friends per week even in different states! 

5. Focus on creating a new life path! To create a new life path, consider all the possibilities and what you truly value and what you want to focus your purpose on and which alternative lifestyle is best for you. For getting a new job apply to programs like teachNOLA, NYC Teaching Fellows, Nevada Teacher Corps, TFA, City Year, Citizen Schools, and Urban Teachers. Use books for your job hunt but also strongly consider career alternatives like working abroad and teaching abroad and even other alternatives. I want you to have some big breakthroughs soon within a month or two. I want you to consider a new home to start your life! I want 

6. The next four years could be politically turbulent with Trump as President and there will be a lot of outrage and fear. You won’t be passive during these times and you will create your own resistance! I want you to create a new counterculture that is anti-Trumpism and uses people’s enthusiasm to restore their sense of hope and sanity in a world going mad. Look at countercultural artists and writers, comedians, and performance art as your models! Focus on using eccentricity and enthusiasm to lead people against Trump. Write a vision of your counterculture! Connect with the Anti-Trump Group and propose counterculture ideas and get a dialogue started! Also focus on learning about the politics and like at past history to make connections but don’t overly-focus on it!! You need to avoid the extremes of blissful ignorance, dogmatism, or paranoia and Nihilism. Focus on how to re-create democracy!