My Self-actualization Journey

[Zane]

Time Freedom

I VOW TO BE A TIME MASTER!! 

 

A Time Master states “I vow to have freedom over my time where I choose how to schedule my day, spend my day wisely, editing my time and trimming the fat, destroying the limits and barriers, optimizing my time, and living the greatest life I can. I will have the freedom to create my life however I want to!”

 

Time Freedom Vow

I, Zane Chesivoir, vow to achieve time freedom! 

 

What Is Time Freedom? 

My intention is to have freedom over my time. 

I describe time freedom as being the Master of Time rather being Time’s Slave. 

Time Slave 

A Time Slave sacrifices freedom and chains himself to his work. He is a neurotic workaholic who is so obsessed and clings to deadlines. He is always chugging down coffee, energy shots or pills to stay awake or focused. He is in always in panic mode where his stress is so out of control and everything is urgent. He’s always on the phone, answering emails, hunched over his computer, and is always in a meeting. He is swamped and drained! Time is always rushing by and all the days blur together. He comes home feeling exhausted and is so overwhelmed that he just wants to slam the door. His patience is rock bottom and the slightest provocation can cause him to explode in a fit of rage. He has low to zero tolerance for imperfections or disobedience and that sets him off. He sees relaxation, days off, and vacation time as “laziness” and he becomes bitter towards Millennials and sees them as “lazy” and “entitled.” He becomes so miserable, stressed, and beaten down by life that his inner child is abandoned at best or died at worst. His childhood and deepest passions are a distant dream long forgotten or that died and was destroyed! 

He dies the worst and saddest way one can die! 

Deeply regretful for wasting his life! 

He forgot how to laugh, how to relax, and how to enjoy life! 

He wasted his life denying his own freedom and letting it rot away! 

 

The Chronically Bored 

The Chronically Bored is trapped in a mindset rut and routine!

Every day loops again with the same routine and he sees the same places!

He has sunk into a slump of laziness where he has become robotic. 

Either he’s trapped in an unfulfilling job, addicted to video games, junk food, or social media. He is damned to repeat the same toxic habits! However, he’s so comfortable, that he doesn’t want to break out of the rut. His mind and body goes numb and rots away. 

He just lets life pass by! 

He complains about being bored and feels trapped and hopeless! 

Now let me make it clear!

There’s nothing wrong with comfort and relaxation!

Both are great in moderation because they help us recharge and reconnect with ourselves!

Laziness can feel mellowing and relaxing even but it’s so tempting!

I went through a major lazy phase on weekends at Guilford after my bad semester and I would sleep in till around noon and it can feel great. However, it can get addicting! 

You can get so bored and lazy that it permeates into you! 

 

Time Master 

My worst fear is to become a Time Slave, trapped in an endless rat race, and being deeply unfulfilled to the point where I forget what happiness is. I refuse to let Time and schedule control me and beat me down. I refuse to be beaten down! I vow to be a Time Master!

I define a Time Master as an individual who has grown exasperated or outraged by the stress of his overwhelming schedule or fed up by his chronic boredom. 

You feel a desire for change welling within! 

You have that desire but starting can be a challenge!

A Time Master states “I vow to have freedom over my time where I choose how to schedule my day, spend my day wisely, editing my time and trimming the fat, destroying the limits and barriers, optimizing my time, and living the greatest life I can. I will have the freedom to create my life however I want to! I refuse to waste time on worries, anxiety, drama, regret, crises and all that bullshit! I refuse to waste time on unfulfilling work, mind numbing boredom, or dwelling on old wounds! I refuse to waste my time suffering!” 

 

How I’m Applying Time Mastery 

From late 2014-present, I made one of the best and most practical life decisions!

I created my own manifesto,

My Twenties Journal!

The purpose of the Twenties Journal was a personal vow I made to myself to truly make my twenties the best years of my life and to have freedom over my own life and to create freedom and happiness for myself. It has maximized the happiness in my life and it led down so many rabbit holes. 

It helped me re-create my childhood and it resulted in some of the greatest life experiences!

I noticed how in record time, my Happiness List events skyrocketed! 

It deeply tapped into my intuition!

It truly brought me to my authentic self!

The Zane with zero self-consciousness who felt so loose, free, and spontaneous and who reduced a lot of stress and drama. 

I will focus on taking my Twenties Journal to whole new levels and even new frontiers!

I will focus on the core theme on Time Freedom and investing my time in pursuing and achieving self-actualization, discovering new passions, cultivating and deepening relationships and friendships, and living a complete, multifaceted, and deep life on my own terms. 

 

Wasting Time Freedom 

1. Denying your freedom by never expressing yourself authentically and not having integrity with your values and purpose

2. Wasting time creating inner misery through toxicity and dying deeply regretful. 

3. Being trapped in a deeply unfulfilling job or toxic relationship for years and being too complacent to cut ties 

4. Living a conformist lifestyle far too long and feeling your life rot away but you’re unaware of the possibilities and you do nothing to change your life circumstances 

5. Being mired in boredom and complacency for far too long and not pursuing new opportunities, possibilities, or experiences and just letting life pass by

 

Maximizing Time Freedom 

1. Making self-actualization your core motive. Focus on creating authenticity through self-expression, inner freedom, inner peace, minimalist living, emotional freedom, time freedom, financial freedom, and freedom from stress, drama, and needless complexity. Your top priorities are self-actualization, authenticity through self-expression, pursuing and discovering passions, life purpose and personal values, and seeking out new opportunities and experiences. Deliberately base your schedule around your passions! 

2. Be open to new experiences and new passions! Las Vegas is the perfect city for that! Focus on maximizing your time in Las Vegas and truly live it like it’s your last day. 

3. Avoid overbooking your schedule! An overbooked schedule creates too much pressure which burns you out. Make sure to have plenty of free time! For free time, focus it on self-actualization, creativity, and travel. Invest HEAVILY in personal development resources! Also focus on cultivating purpose-driven hedonism 

4. Eliminate or ruthlessly edit useless complexity, drama, or energy drainers or useless stress. For example, regarding bills or taxes, find a way to radically simplify doing it by focusing on doing E-Bills or using tax prep software to make taxes much simpler. Simplify your schedule as much as possible! Apply radical simplicity to all areas of life! Focus on mindful speed and efficiency to chores! Make your values crystal clear! 

5. For your teaching job in Vegas, focus on making it into the best years of your life! Focus heavily on still having a full life focused on self-expression rather than being a workaholic. Focus on stress freedom. Deliberately make it clear that you refuse to be a workaholic! 

[Zane]

Response to Leo's Insight on Quentin Tarantino Life Purpose

YOU THE MAN LEO!!!!!!!! I'm a HUGE Quentin Tarantino fan and I can identify with him deeply because of how passionate he is for films and how he's always doing his own variations on stories!! He has experimented with so many genres and yet he has a voice and style that's all his own!!! Tarnatino is a purpose-driven and vision-driven filmmaker and i've learned so much from the man. I'm a self-taught creative writer so i owe a lot to Tarantino and Tim Burton because they have a vision that is all their own. 

[Zane]

Fourth Date 

OH MY GOD, TODAY WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had my fourth date with an artist today and WOW!!!!!!!!!!! I'm supercharged with passion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I noticed how I behave completely spontaneously and intuitvely and I act on and embrace my passions and I'm perfectly willing to be goofy and even over-the-top but I make that into my charisma. I'm defying the conventions of being the Alpha Male and the Player and even defying the Beta and Omega. I'm focusing on creating a headspace where me and my date are loose, spontaneous, and uninhibited. I never expected to get four dates and I beat my own goal of my OkCupid challenge to overcome my fear of approach anxiety and rejection. I'm focusing on discarding the conventions of dating and focusing on appealing to the inner child!! I notice how my approach to dating deviates from pickup and the the courting traditions. I'm focusing on creating an authentic and tailor-made dating approach that re-defines and defies masculinity, modern dating and attraction. I'm using online dating but i'm taking a deliberately selective approach by being crystal clear about what i want. 

 

To people who are delving into dating and relationships regarding personal development, please let me know what techniques you're applying. 

Edited May 7, 2017 by Zane

[Zane]

My Current Dating 

As a child and for much of my teens, I used to be that guy!!

I was that awkward and unintentionally creepy guy who had no clue about boundaries, social cues, and no knowledge of dating and inner game. I would blurt out weird comments and some girls politely rejected me at best and cruelly rejected me at worst! 

I grew fed up with this awkwardness and I vowed "I NEED TO CHANGE!!" 

In late high school, that was my first breakthrough!

I met this AWESOME girl in my yoga class who was highly creative and eccentric and we bonded easily. It was 2011 when we first met. In 2012, I took her prom! Flash forward 6 years and we're still in touch!! We vibe together because we're both misfits and we have a free spirit! She's that right balance of spunky, eccentric, and sarcastic which I LOVE in a woman!!! 

In college, I met one of my closest friends and she was in many ways, my opposite!

While I was much more blatantly eccentric in a Sherlock Holmes and Johnny Depp way, she had this Zenlike mellowness and a deep kindness to her! There was something almost angel-like or sagelike about her! She was beautiful but she didn't flaunt it! She didn't conform to the modern girl and was more a classic beauty in modern times and having a quiet confidence and radiated with a glowing aura. She was a GREAT listener and she never judged or lashed out at me! Flash forward, to graduation, and we've been staying in touch consistently through Skype. 

During my senior year of college, i met this AWESOMELY CRAZY girl that blew my f@cking mind!!!

She was a green haired roller derby girl who was supercharged with passion, chutzpah, and she embraced it with zero f@cks given!!! 

Her audacity was SO SEXY to me and her energy gave me so much joy!!!!

I briefly dated an actress from a military background but sadly, we only had one date!! What made it not work out was our incompatibility but we did cuddle and she was the first girl to ever cuddle and kiss me and it made me feel special and like a king! We broke up but i'm not bitter or sad over it! 

Now, i'm seeing a new girl and on Friday, i had my fourth date and WE'RE AWESOMELY COMPATIBLE!!!!!!

This is the girl i've been waiting for!!!

She has a sarcastic wit, a quirky and dark sense of humor, a sexy authenticity through eccentricity, and EVEN BETTER, she's an artist and Tim Burton fan!!!!! THAT MAKES HER A KEEPER!!!!!!!! We've been to bookstores, the zoo, and her workplace at an animation studio and WE HAD AWESOME TIMES together!! We explored, had deep conversations, gushed over mutual passions together and danced to our favorite songs!!!! It's the world's greatest feeling to discover someone who shares our passions!!! I know it will get EVEN BETTER!!!!! This is just the beginning!!! Something AWESOME is on the horizon!!!!!!!!!!!!  

What I noticed about my dating is that my dating is entirely based on authenticity and spontaneity and defying the conventions of dating. I focus on being unapologetically authentic by embracing my quirks, eccentricity, and awkwardness instead of faking coolness. That's something sexy and underrated about being unapologetically authentic!!!

 

Advice to Awkward Guys

1. Have a vision of your girl and your dating character. You're an actor. Have a mindset of "I AM FUCKING AWESOME!!!" 

The One sounds like a fantasy but there are people who discover their soul mate! It's not a pipe dream, it's a possibility! To choose the One or the Perfect Ten, you need to have a vision of her. How do you imagine her? What is meeting her like? How will you seduce her? My vision for the One is a fucking awesome woman who is deeply grounded in her authenticity and who has a deep sense of personal power and purpose. For dating, you need to recreate yourself to attract the One. My dating avatar is the Lovable Eccentric whose charisma is based around being unapologetically eccentric and is willing to be loose and uninhibited. I focus on being a fusion of the Rake and the Natural Seducer who is roguish and whose sexiness comes from his unapologetic nature. The Natural is childlike and appeals to a woman's deepest desires of reclaiming childhood. 

You're in control of your dating mindset! My default mindset is "this is going to be awesome!!! I just need to go with my gut and have the time of my life." My mantra is "I AM FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!" Unapologetic authenticity is such a sexy quality! 

2. Mentally reframe dating and deconstruct your awkward self 

My former mindset regarding dating was "I'm weird, creepy, and unlovable" and a belief like that completely destroys your progress and it holds you back. That mindset creates so much approach anxiety and nothing but regret. In my past, i didn't approach some girls i thought were cute and this creates long-term regret. My new mindset is "finding a soul mate is possible! I have options! I can learn the art of seduction! I can find my soul mate! I can master seduction without pickup! I can overcome rejection fear! 

3. Be fascinated by attraction and research about it through history and modern pickup advice. Choose the advice that benefits you! For example, learn about inner game and how you can master it! Learn seduction approaches or even learn about pickup. Learn about the history of seduction and the techniques of great seducers. 

4. Be deliberately selective of your girl and don't randomly settle! 

For my girl, I have a vision of her and I focus on choosing a girl aligned with my deepest passions.  

5. Question your motives for dating.  

Why am i really dating? I realize that one of my deepest desires is to find someone who understands me and who i can effortlessly talk to about anything no matter how weird. I want to find someone who reflects my deepest desires or my ideals! I want a great friend! The desire for love could connect to self-actualization, the desire for acceptance, and the desire for freedom! 

Edited May 8, 2017 by Zane

[Zane]

My Fifth Date

LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST NIGHT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took my date to my favorite theater to see "Hunchback" and IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was my fifth date with this girl and what made it so great was that I introduced her to one of my deepest passions and she observed how profound an effect this theater had on me and she felt my passion. I noticed how by the end of the show, I was so charged with passion, that i applauded the loudest!!! IT FELT CATHARTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My date absorbed that passion!!! Before the show, we were talking casually about folk music and dragons. I noticed how we can take odd topics like movies and make them into a deeper discussion about our passions. I realize how deep we can go and how authentic we can be together. When i got super energetic and excited, she encouraged it and didn't try to tyrannically control it to suppress me. She even hugged me several times. I realize how deeply we connect and it makes me want to keep making our dates EVEN MORE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Zane]

Observing My Dating Strategy

Why did i get five dates with this girl? 

Why do i attract eccentrics? 

What is the method to my madness? 

I'm piecing the puzzle together and i'm realizing that a variety of factors go into it. I apply strategic thinking, authenticity to my dating approach, inner game, and spontaneity. 

Regarding dating strategy, there's a lot of factors at play. 

For my dating profile, I observe how A LOT of guys focus on conveying dominance and power. They have pictures of flexing their bodies! I want to create an air of mystery and intrigue so I diversify my pics. Instead of flexing pics or gym pics, I have a pic of me walking on the beach and a few of me cuddling my cat. For my description, I make my intentions crystal clear and state exactly what I want. I also go into depth rather than being vague and surface level. My profile is focusing on an air of mystery and also captivating attention and subverting dating cliches. I focus on embracing my geek side with pop culture references! For the girls, I choose my girls deliberately by carefully observing profiles and crafting the best messages! i still feel a tad approach anxiety and i come across profiles that hit me in the gut. I notice how i still feel approach anxiety and I think a new technique would be to go with my gut, write the message and hit send. I challenged myself to message profiles that intrigue me without approach anxiety and that resulted in five dates with one girl. Regarding dates, I deliberately ask for scheduling and choose a great locale like a bookstore or coffeeshop rather than the club scene. 

When I arrive at the date, i focus on making my arrival and presence theatrical by leaping in and bursting with a natural enthusiasm that says "I'M READY FOR FUN!!!!!!!" In one date, my date greeted me with an attack hug and under the alias "Puddin." When the dates happen, i focus on setting the scene by exploring the bookstore and discovering my date's interests. It's a non-verbal communication! I don't bring flowers or chocolates! I focus on unconventional topics such as childhood, imagination, stories, and movies and how they relate to it. I also play up the enthusiasm and spontaneously become a variety of characters! Some are put off by it but some love it because it creates a sense of humor and a willingness and eagerness to break the mold and it creates a sense of intrigue. 

For my five dates, I focused on building them up from exploring bookstores, to exploring the city and the zoo, to exploring her workplace and having a dance party with a playlist based on our favorite songs, and the fifth date culminating in a play that she would deeply love. Taking her to the theater revealed my authentic self fully and i tapped into my date's deepest passions. She also hugged me several times!

I realize that my strategy and techniques combine a variety of approaches yet it defies the traditions of classic dating and modern dating and it creates a new approach to dating that values authenticity and genuine friendship and discovering passions and self-discovery! My dating approach is based around being deliberately selective rather than blindly choose any girl. I seek out an introvert or an artist or a blatantly eccentric girl with an edginess and a quirkiness to her!! I focus on crafting a witty message devoid of pickup lines or "hey" "sup" or "hey sexy." I also focus on giving killer and genuine compliments. I stir curiosity and excitement with my passion. I focus on making my dates an opportunity to bond and to pick our minds and I give tests of character like character imitations and wild enthusiasm. I also focus on appealing to my date's passions to get her excited. During my very first date, i cuddled with my date and she got deeply in flow with Harley Quinn and i became her Puddin both figuratively and literally.

She surprised the hell out of me!!! 

My dating approach seems to be the Jester Approach focusing on using comedy, passion, fascination, and eccentricity and crafting an identity and playing that character but also being authentic! It's an alternative to the Nice Guy/Asshole or Alpha/Beta dichotomy. I'm focusing on being the guy who fascinates you and leaves an impression that makes you desire more! 

I'm playing the Court Jester, the Charismatic Eccentric, the Energetic Childlike Spirit, and the Free Spirit and the Alpha Male Eccentric (the guy who fully embraces his eccentricity like a badge and doesn't give a fuck) 

I'm trying to figure out the method to my madness and I'm excited where this takes me!

I realize that my dating approach taps deeply into my authentic self!! The unapologetic geek who focuses on using his passion to provoke people with his odd sense of humor and his passions and who gets people fascinated and who learns more deeply about people!! 

My approach is a combination of mastering seduction and socializing, discovering and embracing my authentic self, motivating myself to take action and being a self-starter, having a distinctive brand and marketing approach, but self-discovery is the main core to my approach!! 

Edited May 20, 2017 by Zane

[Zane]

Spiritual Experiences 

I'm beginning to learn about spirituality but I have a growing interest with spiritual experiences. Flow states, peak experiences, divine inspiration, lucid dreams, Shamanic visions, trance states, bliss and ecstacy, Tantra, the Tao, having numinous emotions, self-discovery and self-realization is deeply fascinating to me. It feels like I'm tasting and catching brief glimpses of these experiences but I want to deepen these experiences and deeply ground them in my life. For example, sometimes, while meditating, I feel deeply relaxed and undisturbed. When writing, I can go into a flow state and words pour from me. While cuddling, I felt a deep sense of union and this deep bliss. Holding a girl's hand felt so warm and in that moment, the moment was magic. I want to craft a strategy and go on my own journey to practically apply spiritual experiences in my own life but without relying on religion or scriptures. I feel like i'm reclaiming something deeply emotional! Like i'm fulfilling a deep longing! I feel like my journey will focus on a middle path without going too hardcore with mortifcation of the flesh, or torturing myself, a vow of poverty, or starving myself. I want to achieve these experiences because they fascinate me and so I can experience such profound and staggering emotions or experiences. I feel like I deeply desire authenticity! 

[Zane]

Ilusion of Success

So I just watched Leo's video on how paradoxically pursuing success makes you even more miserable and how it radically departs from happiness in the moment. I've spent 2014 to 2017 reclaiming childlike happiness and re-connecting with the passion, simple pleasures, and going back to my original purpose so I can re-discover myself. I tasted that deep bliss twice in San Francisco while sitting on a pier and in the park and feeling this deep joy surge through me. It was because "the moment was golden." I feel like that's been my new mantra "the moment is golden!" However, I also want to focus more on pursuing authentic success that's aligned with the authentic self's desires. I proposed the idea of Purpose Driven Hedonism which is focused on how pursuing pleasure aligned with authentic desires maximizes happiness. I returned to the state of childhood happiness. 

Edited July 2, 2017 by Zane

[Zane]

Walking the Way

I'm starting to educate myself about Taoism and what fascinates me about Taoism is the concept of how you are everything and flow where work feels effortless without forcing it. I would LOVE to focus on applying Taoism particularly effortless action to creativity and to living my life where I feel like i'm in deep flow. 

[Zane]

Musings on Meaning, Death, and Legacy

Recently, I've been becoming more Existential. I'm 23 years old and I've spent 3 years re-creating myself by reclaiming the natural joy and spontaneity of childhood, being mindful of synchronities and happiness in the moment, preparing for the future, and being purpose-driven and vision-driven but recently, I've been contemplating deeper topics. I've been reading "The Last Lecture" and "Die Empty" and there's something in these books that profoundly resonates with me. '"The Last Lecture" focuses on a professor diagnosed with a terminal illness and giving his final speech about childhood dreams and loving life. There's something about that book that hits me deep! I realized that the way i've been living my life is to re-connect with childhood dreams and my whole childhood. It's as though I'm digging up my old toys from the closet and realizing the nostalgia and joy it gave me. I've been connecting with friends who have this deeply sensitive and nostalgic side. What the book made me realize is that I'm embodying a Carpe Diem attitude because I will die someday. "Die Empty" is about the joy of work and creating work that is deeply authentic to your spirit before you die so you don't have any regrets. Could my stories and poems I'm writing be a sign that I'm preparing to die empty? I focused on a Twenties Journal to focus on creating my happiness and live an authentic life. I'm grateful for that early quarter life crisis I had when I was 19. Maybe I'm reading all these books on manifesting dreams, intention, life purpose and callings, the Hero's Journey, and watching Actualized.org as a way to discover deeper meaning. I also have a strong hunch that my life is going to change radically within a few weeks but for the better. 

Sorry if i'm a bit rambly! This realization is fresh! 

Edited July 26, 2017 by Zane

[Zane]

Why am I investing time in reading all these books on the topic of passion, "The Last Lecture," and finding meaning? I notice that reading the books on passion are revealing more insights and the key insight I'm gaining is that I'm discovering my authentic self and finding my element. "The Last Lecture" profoundly resonated with me and even almost brought me to tears because it focused on childhood dreams and the lingering of death. I feel as though I'm undergoing a new existential crisis where I'm realizing the progress I'm making in my self-actualization but I feel like I'm capable of so much more. I have some uncertainty because I might be moving to a new state to start a new job and I feel like the greatest change is on the horizon. I created a Twenties Journal to reclaim the lost happiness and that was my soul's voice. It led me to discover new passions and it felt rejuvenating. It made me a self-starter intrinsically motivated to discover, realize and to create joy. My Twenties Journal was kind of an inner entrepreneurial project focusing on re-discovering myself. The potential move to a new state could be the revolution I've deeply longed for!! I'm at an exciting moment on the horizon!!! It's been making me contemplative and even more eager to dig deeper and learn more. 

[Zane]

WHOA!!!!!!!!! I just finished "The Power of Meaning" and this final epigraph resonated with me. "That's the power of meaning. It's not some gret revelation. It's passing to say hi to a newspaper vendor and reaching out to someone feeling down. It's helping people get in better shape and being a good parent or mentor. It's sitting in awe beneath a starry night sky and going to a prayer service. It's opening a coffee shop for struggling veterans. It's listening to a loved one's story. It's taking care of a plant. These may be humble acts on their own. But taken together, they light up the world." There's just something so profoundly simple!! I realize that I spent late 2014 to now, to discovering not just cheap thrills or entertainment, but a sense of passion and purpose. I've started noticing the simple beauty of nature and savored it, I talk to baristas and Uber drivers and even befriended a barista and tore down the barrier of awkwardness, I started re-connecting to my exuberance, I started dating to kindred spirits, but most importantly, i'm creating a passion project inspired by my deepest passions including an all-encompassing fictional universe with the oddly creepy and whimsical feel of 1980s Tim Burton and I discovered a kindred spirit who embraces my passion equally and celebrates it with me. Reading all these books feels like a crystal clear realization of what I'm seeking, what I'm achieving and what I'm capable of. I'm realizing that I'm discovering my path to greatness!!!! 

[Zane]

The state of the country is terrifying right now!

Everyday it seems that a crisis is always brewing, there's political in-fighting, the growing conflict with North Korea, and the rise of the Alt Right in America. In Charlottesville, on Friday night, there was an Alt Right rally. It's shocking and tragic to think that the deep rooted hatred is still as strong as ever and is going through a resurgence. 

On Saturday, I was at the bookstore and I saw the book "The Book of Joy" right next to books like "No is Not Enough" and books with "shattered" and "doom" in the title. That same night, I was listening to Simon and Garfunkel's saddest songs "Scarborough Fair" and "Silent Night" and something about it floored me with a bittersweet feeling of sadness and beauty.

2016 and 2017 have been the most tumultuous years in terms of celebrity deaths and political events. However, I'm focusing on looking at signs of change and have been researching the Russian investigation, the travel bans being blocked, and the Health Care Repeal bill being overturned. 

Those are reasons for me to stay hopeful!

In my own life, I feel this deep excitement because I'm going through a major transition of my job hunt and I feel a deep hope within. I feel like while the world is regressing, I'm focusing on progressing. I focus on habits to stay sane like Mindfulness of the moment and how happy the moment is, connecting with my friends to let them know I love them, pursuing my passions and hobbies, and journaling and expressing myself through stories and poetry and reading about happiness, the existential crisis and the search for meaning, spirituality,  mystical experiences and religion like Taoism and Buddhism to seek out a source of wisdom in crisis. 

I'm NOT saying "get over it!!" Or "stop whining and grow a pair." Im focusing on my own resistance by focusing on living life to the fullest. It's how I'm freeing myself from to despair! The greatest moments in my life have happened this year including new friends, opportunities and experiences and I'm too excited. I'm proposing a new way of resistance and that is to focus on living the best life you can. I've met best friends who are deeply focused on finding purpose in their lives, by changing their attitudes, and by creating their own happiness. 

I feel like in these times, I'm focused on living the most authentic life I can live. 

My means of resistance is unapologetic authenticity! To be a proud Hufflepunk! To tell AWESOME stories and express my voice loud and proud! To live with a sense of purpose! To discover new possibilities! 

I encourage you to focus on your own inner Resistance! 

[Zane]

Job Hunt Rant

I've been hunting for a job all summer long from June 2017 to August 2017 and I've had several interviews but nine rejections. I'm focusing on a purpose-driven and authentic approach to my job hunt where I focus on literacy tutoring programs and developmental disabilities programs through AmeriCorps. I feel deeply frustrated by this constant stream of rejections. However, I'm persisting with my applications. It feels deeply frustrating to get rejected but I always feel like I'm on the edge of a breakthrough.

[Zane]

Minneapolis Transition 

I'm making the most radical change in my life! In just a couple months, I moved to a whole new city I've never even visited before, and I'm living on my own. It's been one hell of an adventure! Right now, I'm dealing with uncertainty regarding my job. Will I transfer to a new AmeriCorps program or change jobs entirely? There's been a lot of anxiety regarding my career yet I'm feeling much more hopeful recently. A few job opportunities are opening up regarding Autism work or art therapy also with some theater volunteering. I feel like a big change is on the horizon! 

[Zane]

Sexual Identity and BDSM 

I'm feeling an inner sexual awakening! Throughout my adolescence and young adult years, I've always been uncertain of my sexual identity. I noticed how I was attracted to personality and appearance. My personality type that I admire is a deep sense of inner purpose and indviduality. I've always had a fetish for hair dye and a style inspired by Indie/Punk where the main focus was self-expression. I've always been attracted to androgynous women who defy traditional femininity yet i've always had a deep fetish for alabaster skin and dark hair and lacey corsets and satine hair bows/ribbons, ponytails, and pigtails. I've always loved girls with a strong quirkiness to them but it wasn't a trying too hard to be quirky but a natural quirkiness that felt genuine. A great character who embodies my fetishes for androgyny and quirkiness is Coraline. In the movie, the character is 11, but her age isn't my main reason. I love Coraline for her sarcasm, sassiness, and for her tomboyish/feminine tendencies like her punkish/quirky style, her sarcasm and smirk, her bravery and defiance, and her strong will. I get the feeling that she's the kind of girl who refuses to wear dresses and going through a gender identity crisis. I always had a deep fetish for Harley Quinn because of her bubbly passion and giddy joy and her shameless authenticity. Harley is mad but she owns who she is and is totally shameless about that. Coraline and Harley reveal the qualities of attractiveness and they reflect in people i meet. I notice that I'm at my most authentic around the artsy introvert (the hipster, Goth, Punk) who is doodling in their notebook and talking  aloud to themselves or deeply relaxed in a leather chair. Around the artsy introvert, i can reveal my deepest secrets, inner fetishes, and passions with total confidence and that vulnerability bonds me to them easily. Around the bubbly and grandiose extrovert, I absorb their passion and completely open up to them. 

Regarding the bubbly and grandiose extrovert and serene artsy introvert, this could be major signs that I'm realizing and acting on my own fetishes and embracing them with pride. My goal is to use BDSM as a path to explore my fetishes deeper and to take freedom over my inner life and pursue these fantasies deeper. 

Recently, i've been reading more about BDSM and I can't deny it but I have a growing curiosity with it. Earlier in the summer, I read a book called "Sex and Shakespeare" which was a memoir about a young woman coming to terms with her masochism and using Shakespeare characters to illustrate her experiences. What made the book so intriguing was her honesty about her internal shame for her spanking fetish and meeting people who shared her passions for both Shakespeare and spanking. I emailed the author to explain how I related to her story because we both shared the struggle of inner shame for a quality in us that we saw as "deviant." For me, it was my Aspergers Syndrome and my crushes on fictional characters. The book peaked my curiosity about BDSM and as I delved deeper, the more it fascinated me. One element i've realized about countercultures, particularly, the BDSM/Kink/Fetish community, Goth culture, Drag Culture, and Burlesque  is that they're focused on finding beauty, freedom, and self-empowerment in the taboo. BDSM focuses on acting as a character and losing yourself to the experience. "Headspace" refers specifically to the submissive surrendering to the pain and taking deep pleasure in it. 

To go even deeper, a major element of BDSM that intrigues me is the "headspace" concept and surrendering to the experience. "Headspace" deeply affects me when i'm watching a play or movie that i love and i deeply become one with the film or the play that i'm overwhelmed with a passion and the passion comes out raw and unfiltered. I'm also fascinated by the roleplaying element and creating a fantasy for myself and my domme, switch, or bottom. I want to focus on creating an environment and social outlet of self-expression and living inner fantasy. 

Learning about BDSM from this perspective is making me consider the possibility of actively experimenting in the BDSM/Fetish/Kink community to learn deeply about it, to report on it and to use it as both a social and creative outlet and to get to know Kinksters on a deeper level and learn "why do you love BDSM?" I've started my research by exploring sex stores and reading books on the subject and now my goal is to start branching into the field by attending some munches or fetish parties. 

Edited November 15, 2017 by Zane

[Zane]

Letting Go Of Text Anxiety 

I need to work on my patience! I notice that among one of my friends I obsess and worry about the length of time they take to respond to texts. I was really excited about a Skype chat we planned yesterday but it fell through yesterday and my friend told me that yesterday wasn't a good time to Skype but was vague with the reason why and it made me feel anxious. I didn't want the anxiety to plague me for the rest of the night so I talked to one of my friends who was in the neighborhood about the feelings and she told me to "let go of what I can't control and to focus on your own life." Today, I start letting go of this text anxiety. I will focus on starting anew every day and focus on cleansing myself of anxiety. The text was nothing personal and it's pointless to worry about the wording in one text. Plans can fall through and it's deeply frustrating but there's no point in whipping myself into panic over it. Today, I will focus on walking outside to cleanse my mind, I will focus on my coffee, I will focus on the next steps in my job hunt, I will focus on reading books. I will put my phone on Airplane Mode so I can detach myself from worrying about texts.