How to find a external meaning

[GreenLight]

How do you know what you were supposed to do in life?

My motivation was always high but desires were always zero. I seem have failed to decorate my ego with a college degree and having X amount of body count.

I just go from left to right. Doing this job or this course. It seems so purposeless. I even sometimes hate myself for nothing. I'm just waiting for my brain just to click and come up with some life dharma or purpose. But no, i have to be a low-life prick and with so much opportunity in society, i have to reject it. 

I know someone is going to advice the life-purpouse course. The problem is that my life purpose is all internal. This shit practice is all that i am supposed to do in life. While i look outwards i see myself as a total loser compared to my peers. Enlightenment won't fix this shit so i am doomed anyway.

Maybe i should shot a cap on my ass. So i can be reborn and be as smart y'all are here. Or become a donkey ?

[GreenLight]

I very liked working in nature but somehow i ended up finnishing this electric installation school for adults recently. And now i am learning this meaningless language in this country. Basically i want to move to this country where i can speak freely and be more social. Take a career i like in the forest or something.

 

Is there any virtue in doing stuff you hate?

I got triple of that now by; living in a country i hate, learning a language i think is overly complicated and having a career that i could chop off my balls and die.

Why is this unconscious manifesting shit like this? Is there any end to the egos sadomasochism? I feel like i have been cursed by a black magician or something?

How do I take action toward the country i want to live in, a job that i can feel content with and a society that i socialize in?

Or is there actually purpose in my situation? I feel like if i stay then this will end in self annihilation or i will be out of my mind

 

[Ryan R]

@GreenLight

3 hours ago, GreenLight said:

How do you know what you were supposed to do in life?

...

I just go from left to right. Doing this job or this course. It seems so purposeless. I even sometimes hate myself for nothing. I'm just waiting for my brain just to click and come up with some life dharma or purpose. But no, i have to be a low-life prick and with so much opportunity in society, i have to reject it. 

I know someone is going to advice the life-purpouse course. The problem is that my life purpose is all internal. This shit practice is all that i am supposed to do in life. While i look outwards i see myself as a total loser compared to my peers. Enlightenment won't fix this shit so i am doomed anyway.

Maybe i should shot a cap on my ass. So i can be reborn and be as smart y'all are here. Or become a donkey ?

Pessimism much my friend? The best news I can offer is that it has been both my repeated observation  and experience that major awakenings are often preceeded by feeling completely like lowly miserable shit. Please DO NOT harm yourself or others, but see if you can fearlessly embrace this leaning towards self annihilation. Enlightenment actually can solve all of this, just not for you, because after enlightenment You and your worldview will be radically different.

I have taken Leo's life purpose course and I must tell you it is not in any way directly about enlightenment. It is a very sober practical coaching course for learning to live a more complete satisfying life by clearly identifying your deep desires, strengths, and motivations while helping you set goals to fulfill your life purpose/career/lifestyle after helping you discover it. Yes, you sound like a prime candidate for the Life Purpose Course. It helped me for sure. Be aware, it is Alot of work, but if you put in the effort you will gain great clarity about what you are supposed to do in life.

Oh, give up comparing yourself to your peers or anyone else. It's a foolish egoic game. 

3 hours ago, GreenLight said:

I very liked working in nature but somehow i ended up finnishing this electric installation school for adults recently. And now i am learning this meaningless language in this country. Basically i want to move to this country where i can speak freely and be more social. Take a career i like in the forest or something.

 

Is there any virtue in doing stuff you hate?

I got triple of that now by; living in a country i hate, learning a language i think is overly complicated and having a career that i could chop off my balls and die.

Why is this unconscious manifesting shit like this? Is there any end to the egos sadomasochism? I feel like i have been cursed by a black magician or something?

How do I take action toward the country i want to live in, a job that i can feel content with and a society that i socialize in?

Or is there actually purpose in my situation? I feel like if i stay then this will end in self annihilation or i will be out of my mind

 

Yes, doing stuff you hate can build character, make you mentally, emotionally, and even physically tough, and if you go about it right, extremely empathetic and loving.

How do you take the action for all of this? To quote the greek goddess of victory, "Just do it!". I find that's often the best way to get started anyhow. 

Have you considered and exhausted all possibilities of installing or maintaining electric lines/systems in the wilderness or very rural areas prehaps? Can you think of a way to ply your new trade in a natural setting? Maybe start your own business doing so if nothing is available as a contractor or as an employee. 

The normal advise I would give to someone who seems as contemplative but troubled as you is to work hard at fostering more gratitude in your life. Like enlightenment but likely far more accessible, a well developed sense of gratitude can also solve most of your problems by more subtly shifting your worldview. 

Anyhow, I would definitely try the life purpose course if you really want to "find an external purpose". That's largely exactly what Leo created it to help you do. If everything looks terrible, try looking at it from some different angles. That's my two cents. I hope this is somehow helpful. May fortune favor you GreenLight.