How to deal with friends who use and dump you?

[Preety_India]

Just now, Parththakkar12 said:

If you had this expectation from them, that means you weren't helping them because it felt good to you, you were doing it as part of a transaction. If you need a transaction to help someone, if you're going to resent them if they don't reciprocate, that means that you didn't want to help them to begin with! That was the point of my answer - find a way to meet their actual needs. They will remember that. Then, if they don't reciprocate when you need them, you can't make someone reciprocate, but you can find someone else who will. You'll have such people if you know how to meet their needs!

There's always a basic expectation of human decency. It's natural. 

 

[flowboy]

On 22/03/2021 at 11:30 AM, Preety_India said:

The thing that happened is I offered them support and they ghosted me immediately the next day.

So that support you gave, came with strings attached. Did she know this?

[Preety_India]

Just now, flowboy said:

So that support you gave, came with strings attached. Did she know this?

I don't think there was anything like strings attached. But we were friends, at least we considered each other as close friends. It doesn't even matter whether I offered her support or not. The thing that hurts is the Ghosting part. I don't think that people should do that so suddenly because it leaves the other person totally clueless and confused. 

I mean I was made to feel guilty even without being made to know what wrong I must have done. Clearly I didn't do anything wrong and the second last time the same person ghosted me, they had apologized for that and said that next time they would leave a note so I wouldn't feel bad or confused. 

But the next time they did the exact same thing and left nothing. No explanation given. 

Obviously it's not my fault because I have done nothing wrong for the person to do that to me. And not even try to resolve conflicts. 

So it felt bad, like me being made to look like a monster for nothing. Especially when I was being supportive, like a slap in the face? 

I guess the best option is to avoid such people because their drama creates a lot of problem. 

I mean nobody got time to deal with their constant judgements and especially given that they are only interested in blaming and judging rather than hearing my side of the story. 

And this is where I stand. I blocked that person. 

 

[flowboy]

It seems you have a recurring pattern with people taking advantage of you.

Have you read Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott?

It's really something that can help with these situations. I'm using it for shadow work and I do feel it's helping me.

Check it out

[Preety_India]

@flowboy Yea I'm realizing that too. It's because I'm bad at setting boundaries. With some of my friends this is not a problem because the moment they smell such a person they begin to set boundaries. 

Maybe I should do the same. 

 

[Lyubov]

I'm hurting right now a lot and feeling sort of the same way after a girl I like went quiet on some plans she expressed interest in with me only to find that she now wants to do them with another guy. It's a similar feeling of rejection and being used and not feeling like you are enough or worthy. 

I think the signs are there sometimes with certain people. You can sort of get an idea of the type of person who will make you feel this way but it's trickier than that since often we give the benefit of the doubt to people and emotions can get wrapped up in it. I don't think neurotically obsessing about ways to avoid it is healthy. That can lead to a closing down from fear of everyone potentially doing it and missing out on all the opportunities life presents.

I don't think it is something that can be simply reduced down to knowing how to avoid it vs not. I think having a more a holistically understanding  relationship with the domain of relationships will tend to lead to more fulfillment in this domain and less occurrences of this happening. A keener awareness of the signs of this happening and just not overly investing when they pop up. Sometimes this happens out of nowhere and it hurt and we just have to feel the pain and give ourselves compassion and care. 

I'm writing this partially to you and myself as well. It hurts a lot for me cause it triggers this feeling like I'm flawed and I am not good enough. 

Have you learned anything from going through this?

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Lyubov

[Preety_India]

@Lyubov Yea Yea definitely. 

I came out feeling stronger. I told myself that I'm better than what I was made to feel.

Fault is not mine, then why should I take on the unnecessary baggage of guilt and unworthiness. 

If someone is closed off, their problem, not mine. 

The important lesson learned is to not be too invested initially. See how the person behaves over time. Let them earn my respect by proper behaviors.. 

I gave them the benefit of the doubt which I have decided to stop giving in the future. 

Observe and watch their behavior.  Also a useful indicator is how they treated other people. Were they kind towards them? Are others complaining about them as well? 

Then there are clues to look for. For example ignoring texts, cold responses, acting hot and cold. 

I guess time and experience are the fundamental key here. 

When you give enough time and experience and talk to a ton of people, you get an expertise in figuring out people fairly quickly. You can easily tell which person is more likely to ghost or mistreat. 

 

[Preety_India]

19 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

I'm hurting right now a lot and feeling sort of the same way after a girl I like went quiet on some plans she expressed interest in with me only to find that she now wants to do them with another guy. It's a similar feeling of rejection and being used and not feeling like you are enough or worthy. 

I think the signs are there sometimes with certain people. You can sort of get an idea of the type of person who will make you feel this way but it's trickier than that since often we give the benefit of the doubt to people and emotions can get wrapped up in it. I don't think neurotically obsessing about ways to avoid it is healthy. That can lead to a closing down from fear of everyone potentially doing it and missing out on all the opportunities life presents.

I don't think it is something that can be simply reduced down to knowing how to avoid it vs not. I think having a more a holistically understanding  relationship with the domain of relationships will tend to lead to more fulfillment in this domain and less occurrences of this happening. A keener awareness of the signs of this happening and just not overly investing when they pop up. Sometimes this happens out of nowhere and it hurt and we just have to feel the pain and give ourselves compassion and care. 

I'm writing this partially to you and myself as well. It hurts a lot for me cause it triggers this feeling like I'm flawed and I am not good enough. 

Have you learned anything from going through this?

 

Your post was really good. Got to the bottom of my issue.