How to deal with friends who use and dump you?

[Preety_India]

This is a recent experience I had where  I felt terribly betrayed by a person who I assumed to be my friend. 

How to spot fake people? 

The friend came to me for help and support and I was very sweet and supportive of them. 

And the next day the same person dumped me. This is a female friend. I felt betrayed and used up. 

I decided to block that person out of my life. 

My current frame of mind is completely ruined by this incident.

Trying to seek help around this situation. 

 

[Preety_India]

Try to elevate your own importance.

You are here to live in this world and help genuine people and not be a doormat to fake people. 

Focus on "zero drama, zero headache" positive people who know how to handle conflicts, have maturity and know how to deal with disagreements. Make it like a business contract and don't put up with shitty behavior by drawing firm boundaries and letting them know that you would block them if they did that kind of shit. 

 

[Preety_India]

Is there a counter intuitive way to deal with this? 

 

[Eternity]

Are you talking to yourself or may I interrupt? I'm just kidding, no worries.  But I do have something to say here.  I took an interest a while ago in sociopaths and psychopaths now known as anti social personality disorder.  There is something like 1% of the population that have this disorder. I  have met  at least one of each kind in my life.  These disorders cannot be treated successfully or medicated.  There is currently no cure.  They do not have empathy for others, use others ruthlessly, lie about everything and anything with no conscience.  There are also narcissists who care only about themselves.  I also have experienced 2 of these in my life.  They don't lie as much, but are so far into themselves that they don't even consider anybody else's feelings.  So have you considered you've just had a run in with one of these disordered people?  There are enough of them to make it very possible.

As far as ruining your life,  I expect I've lived longer than you.  And I've found my greatest disappointments have given me the most valuable lessons I've learned so far.  At first it stings like hell.  And you feel stupid and worthless and then angry.  Then eventually you put it in your past.  I did some self forgiveness hypnosis recordings quite a few years back and the most helpful statement that stands out to me was "forget the pain, but remember the lesson."  I came away with that not wanting to beat myself up anymore over some things that happened when I wasn't even a teen yet.  And to this day, when something upsets me, I think of that statement.  I don't have to hold onto the pain.  But the lessons have given me wisdom I wouldn't otherwise have had.  Not everyone is a sociopath or narcissist, so not everyone is ruthless.  That is your pain speaking right now.  Believe me many many kind people exist.  You met a bad apple is all that happened and they did you wrong.  You do need to watch for red flags.  Two red flags are maybe ok, but keep them on file in your head.  The one after those is when you cut ties.  This is really why I read and watched some youtube vids on socio/psychopaths and narcissists, so that I can spot the red flags.  Just for future problems maybe arm yourself with some extra knowledge about these disordered people.

 

[Peter Miklis]

@Eternity friend that used her didn't necessarily have to be a sociopath or psychopath, but even if it was, it is mostly you allowing that person to use you.

@Preety_India I don't think you should be overly protective of your self and fear people because of this hurt, but don't be too eager to help or heal someone like the last time. A good rule of thumb is to invest the same ammount of energy into the person, as he/she's investing back. That way, you probably won't get used.

Edited March 18, 2021 by Peter Miklis

[Preety_India]

35 minutes ago, Eternity said:

Are you talking to yourself or may I interrupt?

 

 

I kinda lost my mind for a while because of the stress of the situation. Sorry about that. 

Your post is extremely helpful and totally resonating with my feelings right now. 

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I'm just kidding, no worries.  But I do have something to say here.  I took an interest a while ago in sociopaths and psychopaths now known as anti social personality disorder.  There is something like 1% of the population that have this disorder. I  have met  at least one of each kind in my life.  These disorders cannot be treated successfully or medicated.

Agree 

 

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  There is currently no cure.  They do not have empathy for others, use others ruthlessly, lie about everything and anything with no conscience.  There are also narcissists who care only about themselves.  I also have experienced 2 of these in my life.  They don't lie as much, but are so far into themselves that they don't even consider anybody else's feelings.

 

This is exactly my experience. 

I felt their behavior was ruthless. Check. 

They lied and were dishonest. Check. 

They had no humanity or conscience. Check. (they didn't care one bit how someone would feel because of their actions, they didn't try to resolve any conflicts) 

They only care about themselves. Check. 

They don't consider anybody else's feelings. Check 

 

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  So have you considered you've just had a run in with one of these disordered people?  There are enough of them to make it very possible.

I wouldn't want to label them that way because some of them are here on this forum so I won't choose to get them upset. But they definitely have things to work out on how not to treat others like shit. 

 

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As far as ruining your life,  I expect I've lived longer than you.  And I've found my greatest disappointments have given me the most valuable lessons I've learned so far.  At first it stings like hell.  And you feel stupid and worthless and then angry.

Yes. Right now I'm going through the phase where I feel worthless, dumb, stupid and angry and used. 

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  Then eventually you put it in your past.  I did some self forgiveness hypnosis recordings quite a few years back and the most helpful statement that stands out to me was "forget the pain, but remember the lesson."  I came away with that not wanting to beat myself up anymore over some things that happened when I wasn't even a teen yet.  And to this day, when something upsets me, I think of that statement.  I don't have to hold onto the pain.  But the lessons have given me wisdom I wouldn't otherwise have had.

 

Yes. I need to let go the pain. The pain keeps hurting. The lessons from the pain are valuable though. 

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  Not everyone is a sociopath or narcissist, so not everyone is ruthless.  That is your pain speaking right now.  Believe me many many kind people exist.  You met a bad apple is all that happened and they did you wrong. 

 

Yes. I'm trying to convince myself that even if I met some shitty people, there must be kind people as well. 

 

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You do need to watch for red flags.  Two red flags are maybe ok, but keep them on file in your head.  The one after those is when you cut ties. 

 

I blocked those 2 persons who caused me pain in the past few days. 

It was her last chance. I am done with her forever. 

 

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This is really why I read and watched some youtube vids on socio/psychopaths and narcissists, so that I can spot the red flags.  Just for future problems maybe arm yourself with some extra knowledge about these disordered people.

 

Yes knowledge is my armor. Being Empathetic is nice. But more than often, it's usually gets reciprocated with abuse and sociapathy and "taken for granted" behaviors. I keep updating myself about red flags. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, Peter Miklis said:

 I don't think you should be overly protective of your self and fear people because of this hurt, but don't be too eager to help or heal someone like the last time. A good rule of thumb is to invest the same ammount of energy into the person, as he/she's investing back. That way, you probably won't get used.

There is a problem with this. I could have easily chosen to do this except for the fact that person kept leading me on into thinking that a deeper friendship is developing. They were quite invested in me as a friend. I thought the friendship was quite strong. 

The day before this friend told me that I mean a lot to them and that I don't have to worry at all and that every time there is something bad, they will be understanding and make sure to resolve misunderstandings. 

I felt very hopeful. The next day they were in some sort of a trouble and I reached out to them to ask them what happened and they cut me out ruthlessly as soon as their situation got better. 

You're right about one thing. I shouldn't be too eager to help because I feel like I'm doing something good and helping someone but they take it as a sign that I'm weak. 

Everything happened quite abruptly. It felt like I had invested so much into the friendship and that person suddenly ghosted me with no explanation once they got the support they needed from me.. 

So Yea there was no time to decide who invested how much. 

I think next time around I will let the other party invest a lot before I even decide to invest. Would this be a good strategy @Peter Miklis

 

 

[Peter Miklis]

@Preety_India I see. So in this case, it probably was an actual psychopath/sociopath/narcisist. We, as self actualizers, have to develop 6th sense for spotting these kind of people.

I don't really know any psychopath or sociopath personally (maybe 1), but I've met plenty of narcisists. And they tend to do this hot-cold strategy; they are very nice to you and over-invest in the beginning, but that's only because they want your attention, or something else from you, and that's how they learned to get it. Once they get what they want, they dissapear or hurt their victim. They probably don't even think they hurt someone, this is just natural for them.

Also, what I forgot to mention is that they make everything about themselves. Literaly every conversation with a narcisist, regardless of topic, will end up talking about them.

Edited March 18, 2021 by Peter Miklis

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Peter Miklis said:

but I've met plenty of narcisists. And they tend to do this hot-cold strategy; they are very nice to you and over-invest in the beginning, but that's only because they want your attention, or something else from you, and that's how they learned to get it. Once they get what they want, they dissapear or hurt their victim. They probably don't even think they hurt someone, this is just natural for them.

Yes this is exactly what happened. 

Hot cold behavior and dumped the friendship after getting what they wanted. 

I was left confused and hurt. 

No explanation given when asked. And totally disappeared. 

But in the beginning they over-invested in me creating a hope of a good friendship. 

 

[Gesundheit]

We're all travellers here. Nothing lasts forever.

[Preety_India]

10 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

We're all travellers here. Nothing lasts forever.

That's a good perspective in a poetic sense. 

Reminds me of Rumi.

 

[universe]

Some people just are like that. See it as a blessing. You found out sooner rather than later. Don't waste mental energy on them.

 

But if this is something that is reoccuring in your life it's worth to look deeper into it.

 

Use this time to feel into your feelings of being "worthless, dumb, stupid and angry and used".

Allow these emotions to be there, give them space. They are there for a reason. Use them as navigation.

 

And maybe take a look if you are misinterpretating or reading too much into these situations.

For example, a good friend would not help you out and then expect to receive the same help the next day.

If you had a bad day or couldn't be there for a friend one day, a good friend would not question their whole friendship and intentions immediately. For example. sometimes when I meet new people there is a small chance I will disappoint them and they write me a message. Telling me how I wronged them and maybe demand that I explain myself, or that they end contact. These messages always take me by surprise and I can't understand how they intepreted a situation like this. I mean I can feel for them and understand their perspective but it's just that their reality is so disconnected from my reality that I feel like we are not even talking the same language. You know what I mean? Furthermore, their way of communication and thinking indicates that they are not willing to expand or value the relationship.

I guess it has to do with the psychological bias that we want to fulfill the expectations other have of us. If you want to take advantage of this, instead of telling people that they dumped you, thank them for being such an awesome friend! This way they are more inclined to fulfill your expectations and be your awesome friend.

[Preety_India]

@universe  @modmyth

The thing that happened is I offered them support and they ghosted me immediately the next day. It felt awful because no explanation was given.

I think a good friend would care to have proper communication even if they felt bad about something. Like it was said above, they were not willing to expand or value the relationship. 

I don't think a good friend questions your intentions on a minute to minute basis. That's an insecure suspicious friend and the best way was to let them go. 

But it felt exploitative, like being used and then ghosted/dumped. 

 

[LastThursday]

On 18/03/2021 at 6:05 AM, Preety_India said:

The friend came to me for help and support and I was very sweet and supportive of them. 

And the next day the same person dumped me.

That doesn't diminish the sweetness and supportiveness you gave and any help they received from you. You are no lesser person.

Sometimes people just don't have the skills, empathy or level of experience to acknowledge what you have done for them, or to reciprocate, or even just to say thank you. Just let them go, and if they come back, just accept them for who they are without judgement.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

That doesn't diminish the sweetness and supportiveness you gave and any help they received from you. You are no lesser person.

Sometimes people just don't have the skills, empathy or level of experience to acknowledge what you have done for them, or to reciprocate, or even just to say thank you. Just let them go, and if they come back, just accept them for who they are without judgement.

Maybe I should not do that. Because I have self respect. 

I cant allow myself to be treated like a doormat. 

So i guess I need to put my foot down and outline by boundaries. 

Sorry but I'm not some doormat to allow someone to walk all over me. 

Ghosting is not a good feeling. It creates feelings of sudden rejection and I don't deserve it if I've been helpful and supportive. 

 

[LastThursday]

@Preety_India naturally, bad behaviour shouldn't ever be rewarded. But it wouldn't be judgemental to tell a person directly that they've hurt you by their actions. That's enforcing boundaries. If they continue to hurt you knowingly, then you should remove them from your life as painlessly as possible. I agree that ghosting is crappy behaviour.

[integral]

11 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Sorry but I'm not some doormat to allow someone to walk all over me. 

I dont have a doormat, problem solved. 

[Parththakkar12]

On 18/3/2021 at 11:35 AM, Preety_India said:

This is a recent experience I had where  I felt terribly betrayed by a person who I assumed to be my friend. 

How to spot fake people? 

The friend came to me for help and support and I was very sweet and supportive of them. 

And the next day the same person dumped me. This is a female friend. I felt betrayed and used up. 

I decided to block that person out of my life. 

My current frame of mind is completely ruined by this incident.

Trying to seek help around this situation. 

 

Sounds like you don't like doing what you did, when you were helping this person. It sounds like you self-sacrificed for them and what you were doing for them wasn't even that important to them, you didn't see that and you went through too much trouble to do something that turned out to be unimportant for this person.

My suggestion would be to pay more attention to what the person actually needs, then you can help them figure out how to meet that need. Either you can do it yourself, if you want to, or you can direct them to someone else who can.

The fact that they're asking you to do something for you that's unimportant to them shows that they themselves don't know or aren't sure about what they're actually needing. If you're not up for helping them figure out what they want, you might just want to ignore their request. They won't particularly mind that cuz it's not that important to them.

[Preety_India]

39 minutes ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Sounds like you don't like doing what you did, when you were helping this person. It sounds like you self-sacrificed for them and what you were doing for them wasn't even that important to them, you didn't see that and you went through too much trouble to do something that turned out to be unimportant for this person.

My suggestion would be to pay more attention to what the person actually needs, then you can help them figure out how to meet that need. Either you can do it yourself, if you want to, or you can direct them to someone else who can.

The fact that they're asking you to do something for you that's unimportant to them shows that they themselves don't know or aren't sure about what they're actually needing. If you're not up for helping them figure out what they want, you might just want to ignore their request. They won't particularly mind that cuz it's not that important to them.

You missed the whole point. I was helpful and supportive of them. They were feeling good and thanked me. When they ghosted me, I felt bad because that's like use and throw. There's a basic expectation in friendship that the other person won't mistreat me specially when I was helping them. I wasn't expecting any special treatment but Ghosting someone who just helped is not fair, it shows selfish behavior. 

 

[Parththakkar12]

5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You missed the whole point. I was helpful and supportive of them. They were feeling good and thanked me. When they ghosted me, I felt bad because that's like use and throw. There's a basic expectation in friendship that the other person won't mistreat me specially when I was helping them. I wasn't expecting any special treatment but Ghosting someone who just helped is not fair, it shows selfish behavior. 

 

If you had this expectation from them, that means you weren't helping them because it felt good to you, you were doing it as part of a transaction. If you need a transaction to help someone, if you're going to resent them if they don't reciprocate, that means that you didn't want to help them to begin with! That was the point of my answer - find a way to meet their actual needs. They will remember that. Then, if they don't reciprocate when you need them, you can't make someone reciprocate, but you can find someone else who will. You'll have such people if you know how to meet their needs! You'll feel a lot more secure relative to betrayal from one person.

Edited March 23, 2021 by Parththakkar12