Can a social recluse successfully attract & maintain a long-term relationship?

7thLetter · March 18, 2021

I'm starting to think that there's a lot of social pressure that comes with being in a long-term relationship, mainly for the men in a heterosexual relationship. Plus, to initially attract any female at all seems like it comes with a lot of specific demands in terms of your social life, career, etc. "Social proof" I think is one of the most important components of being an attractive male overall.

This is just how I imagine it to be, I often imagine that the girl would want to know your friends, hang out with you and your friends, go out and do things together, have fun. Plus the girl probably wants to know what you do for a living and what you do on a daily basis such as your hobbies, etc. Relationships always seem to be about enjoying spending time with each other and having fun.

Obviously not everyone is the same and there are some exceptions, but generally this seems to be the case for most relationships.

So with all of this being said, can a social recluse successfully attract & maintain a long-term relationship? Because I would imagine most girls want to be with a guy who does things, has fun, has friends, someone who is somewhat of a somebody, not a nobody who stays at home for most of his time.

Personally I've never been in a relationship before, most likely because of my introverted nature, bad game, & not putting myself out there, but I've always dreamed about being in a relationship with a girl because of the idea of loving one another and having sex. But now I've realized sex is literally nothing, its basically like masturbating, with another person's body + the love that comes with it. Now all that's left is, what is it like to spend time with a female who is genuinely in love with me?

I've been on a couple dates recently and the question on my mind is always, "what would they think about my current lifestyle?" All I do is sit at home on the computer working on things, learning, play a bit of video games, 80-90% of the time, and the rest of the time I'm at the gym. That's pretty much all I do, everyday on repeat. Although I do so in hopes of making a ton of progress in terms of my financial situation and overall personal development. I currently don't have any close friends I regularly hang out with, mainly by choice & being selective with who I choose to hang around. I've only had a bit of success with women in the past because I had some social proof. Now that I have no friends basically, I'm not invited to parties anymore and introduced to any new females.

So, I imagine a girl wouldn't really want to be a part of this lifestyle, especially when I'm in a phase of still trying to get my life together. The only situation I see working out for me in attracting a partner is when I've finally got my financial situation together to finally go out and do things like travel, go and spend money and all that.

I've taken a break from dating for now, since I think its always going to be a situation of me going on dates with someone then them realizing I basically don't do anything and that I'm still trying to get my life together at 25 years old. I've always thought relationships were all about loving each other for who we are, but that just seems to be a fantasy and the truth is, yes it is that but on top of that, your career, social life, hobbies, etc. matter too. Because most women want stability right? Everyone wants the best of the best. And again, I know everyone's different but generally speaking I'm talking about a specific standard of women who look for these certain things in men.

Your thoughts on this would be appreciated

EnlightenmentBlog · March 18, 2021

Basically, you've figured it out right. Remember, that there are also a lot of introverted girls that would enjoy a simpler lifestyle.

13 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

Personally I've never been in a relationship before, most likely because of my introverted nature, bad game, & not putting myself out there, but I've always dreamed about being in a relationship with a girl because of the idea of loving one another and having sex. But now I've realized sex is literally nothing, its basically like masturbating, with another person's body + the love that comes with it. Now all that's left is, what is it like to spend time with a female who is genuinely in love with me?

Go out there and talk to more girls. You don't know what you're missing out on. Your view of sex is totally wrong.

Peter Miklis · March 18, 2021

@7thLetter honestly, I don't think it's possible. I'm in kind of a similiar situation as you right now, except it's not that much of a problem for me to attract, since I'm OK looking, more like actually talk to them and just take them with me. I'm also working on my stuff just like you, hoping I'll make it.

It seems that lack of socializing is a big hurdle to overcome. Even if you are attractive, things just flow more naturaly if you have social circle and things in common that you can talk about. I don't even enjoy talking to most people, so it's gonna be challenging for sure.

@EnlightenmentBlog even introverted girls like to be social every once in a while, so it's really not that much of a relief.

Byun Sean · March 18, 2021

The question your basically asking is what is the measure of a guy's value in the eyes of a woman in the context of a long term relationship.

Here's a list:

-emotional availability and emotional maturity

-masculine vibe (she feels safe and protected around you physically and emotionally)

-humor

-inner strength as a general quality. Confidence is one way a man demonstrates inner strength.

-social status status

-money

-looks

The key thing you are going to be able to improve tenfold in a personal development context is your inner strength, emotional availability, and

masculine vibe. (Anything that has to do with improving your personality).

Looks, money, and status can help too but generally your looks hit a limit at somepoint due to genetics and money and status takes time and effort to

acquire.

Thus the easiest way to improve your odds is improving your personality.

Now if you play video games and are on the computer all day, your number one problem will be actually getting out there and finding ways to meet

and socialize with a lot of people.

You'd be surprised if you just socialize on a regular basis it's surprisingly easy to meet quality people fast.

7thLetter · March 19, 2021

11 hours ago, EnlightenmentBlog said:

Basically, you've figured it out right. Remember, that there are also a lot of introverted girls that would enjoy a simpler lifestyle.

I can agree, and I don't mean to limit myself or think on the negative side of things but I think that even though that's true, the idea of having fun in the relationship and the importance of having a good financial situation still applies.

Sure introverted girls would enjoy a simpler lifestyle but what does that mean exactly? They may not care about their partner not having a ton of friends but I'd imagine you still need to add spice to the relationship through fun experiences together. And fun experiences would mean spending some money. Although I guess that's just pretty much expected before entering any relationship, you'll be spending money.

11 hours ago, EnlightenmentBlog said:

Go out there and talk to more girls. You don't know what you're missing out on. Your view of sex is totally wrong.

I mean its fun and better than a hand, but that's basically what it is to me. Although I can imagine its a whole lot of a different experience when you're having sex with someone you deeply love because of the emotions that are involved, but I don't know what that's like.

7thLetter · March 19, 2021

11 hours ago, Peter Miklis said:

@7thLetter honestly, I don't think it's possible. I'm in kind of a similiar situation as you right now, except it's not that much of a problem for me to attract, since I'm OK looking, more like actually talk to them and just take them with me. I'm also working on my stuff just like you, hoping I'll make it.

It seems that lack of socializing is a big hurdle to overcome. Even if you are attractive, things just flow more naturaly if you have social circle and things in common that you can talk about. I don't even enjoy talking to most people, so it's gonna be challenging for sure.

I mean I'd say attraction is a whole different topic on its own since its just the initial phase of getting to know someone, but I guess my question is more about what it takes to maintain a long-term relationship after the attraction phase. Initially we can attract females with our personality, confidence, physical appearance, etc. And they don't know too much about our personal lives yet until later on in the relationship, so this is sort of my concern here. As a woman gets to know more about my personal life it seems like it may or may not be a turn off to them to realize I don't have much of a life outside of the gym and the internet.

Of course though if she becomes a part of my life I'd go out and do things with her, but I just wonder if my own life outside of the relationship matters. I think it would be attractive though that I try to work on myself and my situation every day. Although as I age I would imagine its somewhat of a turnoff that I'm at a specific age and don't have my shit together yet. I think every man should have most of their shit together by 25-30 at least.

And yes I agree "challenging" is the correct word to use here. I don't know if its "impossible" but maybe in some cases it could work out, its probably just super rare to find the right one.

Maybe I'm looking for the spiritual non-judgmental type of girl who would appreciate this type reclusive lifestyle. Perhaps you may be looking for the same? Real question is, where can we find someone like this.

7thLetter · March 19, 2021

@Byun Sean My excuse is that since I have no friends to go out with, it just looks lame if I go out on my own to social events. There's so many videos on "how can I go out and meet girls if I have no friends?" Which sort of help I guess but not really. It's just advice like "oh in the coffee shop line up talk to the girl next to you." But sure I guess I can agree the best advice is to go out there and meet people where ever you are, and there's no way around that. No one deserves anything for being lazy, that's just the harsh truth of reality. Another excuse I have is that the pandemmy makes it even more of a challenge to meet people. It was already a challenge for me to go out before all of this, now its 5x more difficult. I've done pickup before for a while but results sucked. It's hard for me to imagine myself doing something like that again now that I'm a bit older.

Results on dating apps suck but that's all I have. I'm pretty much screwed. The best place for me to meet people though is in a workplace at a job, but I don't work right now. Maybe at some point I'll get a job again just for the social life.

EnlightenmentBlog · March 19, 2021

5 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

I mean its fun and better than a hand, but that's basically what it is to me. Although I can imagine its a whole lot of a different experience when you're having sex with someone you deeply love because of the emotions that are involved, but I don't know what that's like.

Just get a girl. Speculating about it is only wasting your time.

loub · March 19, 2021

"When a hot girl meets a hermit, one of them is going to change"- Charles Bukowski

Peter Miklis · March 19, 2021

@loub is that actually his quote? Hahaha Bukowski is the man lived most of his life like a bum, but had more insight than a philosopher

Edited March 19, 2021 by Peter Miklis

flowboy · March 19, 2021

On 18-3-2021 at 1:05 AM, 7thLetter said:

I've taken a break from dating for now, since I think

On 18-3-2021 at 1:05 AM, 7thLetter said:

This is just how I imagine it to be

On 18-3-2021 at 1:05 AM, 7thLetter said:

on my mind is always, "what would they think about my current lifestyle?"

Congratulations, you've successfully rejected yourself based on a hypothesis you've given ZERO testing.

You're just being a pussy here. What do you want? To date, or not to date?

Either is fine.

If you want to date, then you'll have to start believing that your life is awesome right now. If you believe it, she'll believe it (not everyone, but the right ones).

If you don't believe it, then make changes until you do.

This has NOTHING to do with girls man, this is all you. Are you 100% cool with how you live your life, or not??