Collection of witnessed moments of not knowing

[Loving Radiance]

Disclaimer: this thread describes derealization-depersonalization episodes which are different from spiritual awakening

This is the sibling thread to collapsing dualities.

Since having tried marijuana, there were two instances of not knowing encountered. Before the instances I was alone for a few hours, but these moments are different from watching TV or playing video games alone for extended lengths of time and then going out on the street with other people around having to reorient oneself on how to act. In these moments the mind had no knowing of what that is or what to do while the body moved on its own. Like a feral kitten that is paralysed when encountering a human for the first time, but in in my experience I was internally still while not being able to make sense of the world.

 

March 10th: Still being a bit tired I got out of the appartment complex for my morning bath at the lake and met a couple who are fellow students of mine. I walked towards them. For a fraction there was internal stillness coupled with not knowing what this situation is or means. Then there was joy to meet and to chat with them.

March 15th: It is evening. I already studied since the morning at a friends place. She was away for a few hours and I was exhausted from the work. I heard voices outside the door. My friend rang the bell and opened the door. I got up to greet her knowing there were other people, but still I was mildly "shocked" to greet two other students. While stillness was felt, there was not knowing what this situation meant. After that I apologized that I am going crazy as they saw that the LR didn't act according to the usual social way of behaving. I felt responsible for the situation and I owned it.

 

Now after rereading these instances, it is interesting to see the mind creating a story of LR having these instances and creating a story of patterns.

[Loving Radiance]

Waking up from a midday nap. Who is this person? There is no person. Hard to remember.

Oh good lord, I don't wanna be this person. There is so much clinging. Homeostasic habits are there for a reason lol. What I actually want is on the dreamboard. Being truly free, no boundaries.

[Loving Radiance]

I opened a window to speak to a friend who was walking along the parking space. He stopped and talked to me. There was a recognition that this situation didn't make sense at all. No sense of what this body is that talks to him.

 

Detached feel of story of people being here on the forum with whom I interact with. It is doesn't make any sense. It's a story that is told. It's not real.

[Loving Radiance]

Confusion what meditation is, how it's supposed to be done.

[Loving Radiance]

Went into the lake this morning. While going in the thoughts were recognized. I felt the story of me and a friend going to the lake every day and the possibility that others might join in th future. It felt so alien, like me as an alien looking at this human creation and being somewhat detached to not really make sense of it.

[Loving Radiance]

This morning biking home after my cold bath in the lake. Thinking how the wheels when laid out as a line would cover a distance on the forest floor. The distance of the floor that I traveled in that split second made no sense. Felt like the collapsing sense of distance on psilocybin but with just one category that made no sense instead of two or more categories that collapse together.

[Loving Radiance]

On the way to my friend's home or on the way back (don't know anymore) I looked into face of a woman. It didn't made sense at all. No feel what it meant to see that.

At my friends place right before eating together we talked and there was no knowing what this moment meant.

In preparing the altar for magick I looked to my friend and there was no context. The story of me visiting him and doing things together wasn't there. No meaning.

 

What seems to be coupled with this not knowing is that there is no identity present. There is just not knowing and there is nobody to have a reaction to not knowing. It is without control. Narrative comes in again after the instant to create the story, however in that moment there is just nothing - no concepts. It is interesting to see that these instances are not resisted. There is nobody to resist obviously.

[Loving Radiance]

Yesterday dancing on the bed while hanging out with friends. No story.

Today after my cold bath at the lake I chatted with two fellow students. Joking around. There was no me acting.

[Loving Radiance]

For every single night since the infinity-insanity psilocybin trip on April the 16th I woke up not knowing what I am, what this ape body is (with knowing that this is an ape body, same as tripping). How am I here. Feelings, impulses and actions feel to be guided/directed from another entity. At the same time there is a knowing that this is temporary and it's over when the body rests again into sleep.

[Loving Radiance]

After bringing my stuff to the laundry room I sat down on the table for breakfast and had the thought that it would be not benificial for me to forget the laundry. Then there was a distinct recognition that this is a story. Doesn't make sense that there is a story.

[Loving Radiance]

I went to a friend (she was also in March 10th & April 13th) who was sitting at a volleyball field while some of my fellow students played there. She asked a question and simultaneously some of them players came towards us (either for the ball or for a pause, idk anymore). There was no uncomfortability or panic in seeing the story just being played (having no control is accepted). The world just happened on its own. It was known that there was an absence of a story that made sense of the happening (knowing of absence of knowing) and it was still just happening. It felt like looking at art movement on a screen and not making sense of the colorful shadowy movement. All perception was clear as always, but the sensemaking was gone (while it was known that there is the possibility of sensemaking). I then proceeded to chat with her.

At the supermarket I went through the fruits & vegetables area or looked at it from the checkout line. No story as well.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

May 31th: I ate veggi buritos with a friend in the courtyard and chatted with another friend with whom I already studied alot in the past. We somehow didn't met and just hung out after the learning sessions till this evening in the couryard. I got into the flow of talking to her in our ironic way of speaking. Then there was a feeling of the story of talking to her. Without meaning. And still acting along. Nobody spoke and vibed with her. It just happened on its own. After that I bathed in the atmosphere of people enjoying the evening and laid back on the blanket tuning into the vibes.

[Loving Radiance]

A friend of mine just rang the bell and confessed her feelings for me. Just before that I knew that there was someone standing just in front of the apartment door and not ringing the bell from the main door to the building. I opened and she stood there. There was no LR. There was just this moment happening. Heart rate was registered. There was a knowing that holding the door in one hand would seem not embracing or inviting. There was letting go of the door. She talked about something and there was a knowing what she talked about without interpreting her words. It was a knowing. No one listened to what she said. All what she could have said was already felt. There was a knowing that all that happened would be good because it would be happening.

[Loving Radiance]

Common themes:

• meeting people unexpectedly
• speaking with people
• being in thought and then collapse of that construct

[Loving Radiance]

In the past weeks there were many instances of the body just acting. Too many to write them all here.

 

August 26th: At a cacao, cuddle and dance evening facilitated by friends there were so many moments of witnessing not knowing. It was the best evening I can remember and yet in the end when I feel into my bed I had the visceral feeling of immediate death and end of experience. There are still slight flashbacks from that. Anyhow, there were situations of not knowing what to do in situations. In the past there would be insecure feelings (thoughts about identity) coming up. However with the cacao there was a letting go and letting the body act. There was still identity present and yet the experience was of acting on autopilot without control nor attaching to a want and forcing to manifest that want.

August 28th: I am on my way home with a girl from a Green temple like happening (cacao ceremony with emotional expression & integration with option for sexual encounters). We are drawn to each other. There is just acting out without thoughts about self-image. It seems as if we are lovingly sitting besides each other & caressing each other. It's. So. Not. Personal. Nothing is personal. Then the control comes back when we come out the public transport to the street.

 

Today I came to say farewell to an exchange student who travels back to France. I went to her not having prepared anything to say. Opening the door to the corridor and seeing all the stuff laying around was already semi not knowing. It was surprising to see all the stuff although it now makes sense. She appeared in a second and the body acted automatically. There was no thoughts about what to say next nor was there any insecurity. There was a recognition that this was happening on its own. Semi not knowing. There was a decision and believing thoughts about authentic communication. All that what happened didn't really come from control. There was somewhat control and still, somewhat of a self-image to hold up. She said, "I wish you a happy life." There was no mind to understand the extend of that and yet the response was to wish the same (semi control). Now imagining the situation to go in another way, it could have been more mental/intellectual for more control on my side to relate to her more. Imagining her to feel more connected and finished with this stage of life if I'd been more controlling & on the mental side. It's good.

Edited September 3, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

September 16th: I'm at a friends place and I hear a knock on the window. I open it and she is there asking me to give her a jacket through the window. While she speaks I look into her eyes. There is no knowing what all this means. No one is speaking to no one. No meaning. I understand. I got to watch out that her young cat doesn't jump through the window while I give her a jacket.

[Loving Radiance]

September 25th: I go to make lunch with my friends. Ringing the door bell. I greet and hug my friend as she opens the door. No me acting. It just flows. No control. Then the organizing mind comes back to discuss where to make lunch.

[Loving Radiance]

Coming out of the front door. Two fellow students chat with each other. There is no control in putting something in the garbage can. It's like being in a dream: it just happens and still the identity is half there. I join them in the conversation. I'm super relaxed and just enjoying their presence.

5 minutes later: Crossing paths and chatting with a friend who just before said goodbye to her boyfriend at the volleyball court and now goes to meet another friend. There is just the body acting. There is still identity and it is just let go to preserve that self-image. The body is relaxed, funny, flowing... Mind takes a step back. Another friend comes. Chatting for some more time. Then we part.

[Loving Radiance]

@Tim R Please close this thread.