Limiting thoughts around money: Guilt around spending on needs and wants

[soos_mite_ah]

I've been contemplating my views around money and I tend to wonder if I'm cheap or if I'm too indulgent. I notice that whenever I try to spend more than $15 on anything nice for myself, I feel this need to be like "that's too much money I can't have it better detach from this to save because I don't know when I might need the money." There are also emergency things that come up and most of the time my parents pays for those things (like how our house needed repairs after the most recent storm and medical issues) but even though they are the ones paying and they are in a financially secure place, I catch myself panicking internally and wanting to not do things that I probably need to do because of the costs associated (this is especially true with health related things because I'm nervous about insurance not covering things and out of pocket costs because the US health care system is a mess). 

I guess I have this thing in my mind where I think I have to save every penny in order to have a decent and secure life without debt especially while I'm young. In my mind when I think of treating myself, my mind immediately goes to*well what about retirement, paying for your future kids college, stockpiling enough money to have a years worth of expenses at hand, being able to afford emergency expenses etc. you don't deserve to buy ____ unless you have all of that covered as soon as possible. I mean lets be real you don't NEED this. There are people in tougher situations than you and you're thinking about spending a little more money? Just be grateful for what you have, you don't need material things to give you joy. It's fleeting and a waste of time and money*

Mind you I grew up financially stable and people would describe my family as upper middle class. I've been like this since I was a kid so basically as long as I can remember. Because of that, I think it's been normalized in my mind to think this way so idk if I'm doing the most or if I'm being reasonable. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[fridjonk]

I'd be careful with ideas your parents may have implanted in your mind around money. Since they're only upper-middle class, that's as far as their knowledge reaches in that regard. You'll never make any money in your 20's or 30's with a savings mindset, only to be semi financially free at the age of 60. 

Expand your financial mind by studying some wealthy people and how they think. But be careful with what info you take from them since most are at orange, it's a fine balancing act and very important to learn from partially false perspectives as Leo's latest blog video points out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

44 minutes ago, fridjonk said:

I'd be careful with ideas your parents may have implanted in your mind around money.

The main things they have implemented is aim for a high paying career or you'll be broke, don't impulse buy things, invest in necessities like your health and education guilt free, don't show off really expensive things because that can look douchey, and don't define people over whether or not they have any type of status symbols because materialistic things don't define a person. To me all of those are reasonable except for the high paying career one. Like mom, I love you but I don't have the desire to be a surgeon or investment banker because of the money. Deciding not to go to Harvard isn't going to put me in poverty. 

If anything, they think it's weird that I'm this frugal and this oriented around saving. I don't know if they are coming from a place of reason where they don't want me to go into this scarcity, penny pinching mindset where I'm depriving myself or if this attitude is coming from a place of boomer privilege because the world was much easier back when they were around my age and they could just save money for college by working a minimum wage job during the summer and avoiding lattes. 

I think what impacted me more than my parents is the socioeconomic area that I grew up in. Most of the people in my area are mainly lower middle with middle class people mixed in. I think I developed some type of survivor's guilt around money because seeing people having issues with rent, health care costs, and deciding whether or not they can go to college even though they are straight A students makes me think *well damn, what did I do to deserve my situation? Sure I'm spending on things I need for some people this is a luxury.*

That's not to say that I denied my privileged when conversations about these things came up. Denying that type of thing is disrespectful because it's like you're acting as if you went through something you actually didn't thus creating a false sense of empathy. But I was pretty low key in my socioeconomic status because  I didn't want to shove it into people's faces. It was more about being respectful about other people's circumstances rather than a need to hide my situation. 

44 minutes ago, fridjonk said:

You'll never make any money in your 20's or 30's with a savings mindset, only to be semi financially free at the age of 60. 

 Can you please expand on this. I'm just curious. 

44 minutes ago, fridjonk said:

Expand your financial mind by studying some wealthy people and how they think. But be careful with what info you take from them since most are at orange, it's a fine balancing act and very important to learn from partially false perspectives as Leo's latest blog video points out. 

I'm not really looking to be wealthy, just financially secure about my future. I never really had the urge to buy fancy cars, a big house, designer things and things of that nature. I just want to have enough money to where I don't feel like I have to think or worry about it and so that I can have some agency in mind. I want to continue having that financial peace of mind I had growing up but even that seems idealistic, difficult and privileged because of the way the middle class is shrinking and because of the way people's quality of life is dropping. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[fridjonk]

29 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm not really looking to be wealthy, just financially secure about my future.

28 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I just want to have enough money to where I don't feel like I have to think or worry about it and so that I can have some agency in mind.

So you are looking to get wealthy.  

Sounds like you've attached some negative connotations with the word wealthy. Being wealthy doesn't mean you have to buy fancy cars and houses. You can be a minimalist wealthy person, like Alex Becker for example. 

You won't really get where you want to be financially without studying business and marketing. And by business, I don't mean stock market or anything you've attached to that word. It just means you want to be able to sustain a living on your own, being your own boss in whatever you love most doing. 

[soos_mite_ah]

50 minutes ago, fridjonk said:

Sounds like you've attached some negative connotations with the word wealthy. Being wealthy doesn't mean you have to buy fancy cars and houses. You can be a minimalist wealthy person, like Alex Becker for example.

I guess I didn't articulate myself really. What I was trying to hint at with "I never really had the urge to buy fancy cars, a big house, designer things and things of that nature" was that I don't view it as a desire to have a lot of extra wealth lying around for the sake of it. Of course, I don't have to buy those things if I don't want to even if I have the income for it. When I imagine myself being rich, I imagine myself living a pretty minimalist life and spending all that money either on my life purpose/ passion or a cause I really care about. 

While that is  goal I intend to reach one day, I'm willing to have patience. The reason why I stress the difference between being financially secure and being wealthy is because to me the difference is the amount of extra money you have lying around to do whatever. I'm probably rambling at this point, but I think it's really unjust and sad that necessities like education, health care, and rent is something that a lot of people have to stress over. It's one thing to want to aim high because you have some fun aspiration like idk a nicer car than what you currently drive and it's a totally different thing to feel like you need to aim high because you don't want to get sucked into a terrible living situation with a lot of debt, instability, and lack of agency. 

1 hour ago, fridjonk said:

You won't really get where you want to be financially without studying business and marketing. And by business, I don't mean stock market or anything you've attached to that word. It just means you want to be able to sustain a living on your own, being your own boss in whatever you love most doing. 

I've been making it a point to look into side hustles and basic financial literacy since I was 16. Figuring out what to do isn't as much of a problem as the emotions that I have wrapped around my circumstance which can cloud good judgement and can get neurotic. I don't think it's so much about making money as it is figuring how to deal with the guilt and the shame around using that money. I feel like even if I were to make a good amount of money, there will always be this voice in my head saying that I'm not deserving enough and that I need to save that money in case of emergency instead of letting me enjoy myself and what I have worked for. 

[Preety_India]

This is age to enjoy. So spend 

No offense but it seems like your Indian parents have put a scarcity mindset into you 

My Indian parents have done the same. 

Thank God I never follow what they say. 

You gotta spend how much you like. It's not a good mindset to think excessively about money.

It leads to unhappiness long term 

Just my 2 cents 

Also I agree with @fridjonk here.

 

Edited March 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[soos_mite_ah]

15 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

No offense but it seems like your Indian parents have put a scarcity mindset into you 

My Indian parents have done the same. 

Funny enough my parents always made fun of that stereotype which is why they are even more confused about why I turned out this way. They're like "well neither one of us modeled this behavior so where are you getting this from." 

17 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

This is age to enjoy. So spend 

---

You gotta spend how much you like. It's not a good mindset to think excessively about money.

It leads to unhappiness long term 

My mom tries to tell me the same thing lol but I still catch myself feeling nervous around things that aren't an absolute necessity. I'm trying to look into those emotions more and work through them.

[Preety_India]

@soos_mite_ah you're getting it from your grandma haha 

[fridjonk]

@soos_mite_ah Next time you encounter this resistance, just let it go. It's one of the best methods of getting over something, just letting go. And you should feel some weight of your shoulders in that moment. 

Your problems seem to stem from overthinking and overanalyzing this all too much. You can't really choose where you'll land specifically in financial terms. As soon as you actually start making good money, it's way harder to turn down more money than you think. And also that would solve your fear of saving for emergencies since that can only cost so much.

Yet I'm not saying that more money will solve your problem. This is deeply rooted in fear which you need to identify.