Girl behaving strange

[chungii chang]

Hello, ladies and gentlemans. Someone more experienced in this matters may say that is nothing strange here. But anyways I still ask advice.

So, the story:

I've been working at large firm. There was a girl, she was working in another section but we still met regurlary. I would make her tea sometimes, invite her to my office at warehouse, just talking with her. We were not been showing affection to each other, just friendliness.

She had a problems with her job. I saw that something isn't right and tried to strike conversation about it (much later I found that she's been on drugs at that time). I've starting to like her. I said to her that if she's having some problems we can talk about it and maybe I can help. Response was that everyting is okay and she was jus evading conversation.  Missing days, showing negligence towards her duties... Soon she was fired. 

Worrying about her, I was asking colleagues her number but no one was willing to give it (still don't know why).

Then after a few weeks I too changed a job.

After another few weeks I found her account on social media, message her, she seemed happy that I had reached out me her number. She said that when she was returned to take her last paycheck, came to my wokplace but I was already not there of course. Found out that she is sitting at home playing games, no boyfriend and no friends. We agreed to meet at weekend, had few nice conversations. But when weekend had came she just ignored my attempts to contact her. For next few weeks I was trying to pull her out, (with no success) she said that she likes me but have a problems (but I was not moving in this direction then and we were not speaking about such things before. Girl said this just out of context), then learned that she had some "depression". Then conversations become somewhat short (I've seen that she is not interested). The I said that I too like her and let's date and why she is evading me. She agreed to date but like first time when I wanted to setting time and place she just ignored messages. All my calls was rejected.

Same day at night she sent me a message that I am too young for her (me 21 and she is 26). 

Next day I've met her former colleague and he said that she at the time of her being fired was on drugs, amphetamine. And was seen at night club with some guys, highly inebriated. I knew that they were taking it on work but not paying heed about it. Thought that nothing serious.

I've returned to home, voice her about it (we've been often used voice messages). Said that she really matters to me and want to help. She laughed and said that it's bullshit. Then I was pressing her to tell why she is evading me. She said that she don't need friends and talk to anyone, at least now. I was pressing more, said that I can't even know if she is lying. She said "Imagine that I almost married". What? So few weeks ago she had no boyfriend and now that? She said that feel uncomfortable about this conversation. I in my turn thanked her for lying and pretending. That was the story.

Now, I not sure what to think or do. Nor I know what I was doing wrong on my part. From other's perspective it's all just childish thing. But I worry for her. On the other side I do not want to break ethical rules between us like yelling bitching moaning and being controlling. Or search her in clubs.

Maybe someone will see here someting that I've failed to see. Thanks for reading.

Edited March 14, 2021 by chungii chang

[Parththakkar12]

@chungii chang Do you want to sleep with her? Do you want to get into her pants? Or do you want to have a platonic attachment-relationship? What do you want with her?

If you don't know this, figure this out first.

The big problem I see with what you're doing is that you don't have an agenda with her. You don't have that because you haven't made a clear decision relative to what you want with her or you don't even fully know that. This is why decisiveness and leadership matter so much in relationship.

Edited March 14, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[kras]

Are you the only one who always try to reach out? 

If that's the case she take you for granted because you are always there for her, i don't believe that girls are attracted to that kind of behavior from guys. 

And also keep in mind that the girls don't want to be saved.. Also she ignores your messages, that's not good and shows disrespect.

Parththakkar12 is right, you don't have clear intention with her, do you want her romanticly or want her as a friend. 

I am pretty sure is a first one, but one thing that i figured out that is very important is to show clear intent what you want from a person, not saying it explicitly but more likely implicitly.

Edited March 14, 2021 by kras

[zeroISinfinity]

See why I said help 21 year old guys and similar. See how naive and don't know anything. 

Now lets Teal Swan teaches you her stuff. See if it helps. 

Yuo can go to clubs too and nail girl in bathroom there and avoid all this stupid chase. There you can pick up also some drugged or drunk girl have one night stand an be over all this. 

Which she is most likely doing too. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

Problem is if you succeed you will fall in love with such girl knowing your naive white knight attititude. But it's not that it's neediness in disguise. 

Wish you luck in life when you will learn when and how to use it. 

Delicious tears I love it. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by zeroISinfinity

[Emerald]

I would be very careful about being involved with her. You can end up really traumatized if she’s having these kind of issues.

It seems like it’s tugging on a need/desire in you to be a savior. 

But these relationships can end up very stressful because you may start putting yourself in a position where you’re the glue that has to keep her together.

If you really want to help her, be a supportive friend. But getting involved with her could really put you through the ringer. You especially don’t need this at such a young age. 

[Loba]

Leave her alone.  She wants you leave her alone and to ultimately crash and burn and die.  That's why she is pushing you away.
Focus on other things and let her do what she wants to do how she wants to do it and let her deal with whatever consequences that happen from her own actions, that is true compassion imo.
Getting involved and trying to change sick people just makes it worse in the long run.  And no one likes the pressure of being changed by people who may not even know what the path constitutes for them.  And who knows, maybe crashing and burning and going through that is what God wants for her life?  Why this person out of the many others that could be helped?  Are there other, better places you can direct your empathy?  I would do that.  Just like with anything else, compassion is something that has to be nurtured and you want to make sure you cultivate it in the places where your service is most beneficial.

And to be honest, people in need don't like that, they will fight against it because the help is ultimately an affront on the personal journey of the soul -  and she is going to push you away completely anyways, so take the first step in what you're ultimately going to have to do.

I helped random people when I was a young woman and it NEVER works out.  You'll get screwed over.

[Forestluv]

The entire essay describes that you are attracted to her problems and seem to want to help her. Yet, she doesn’t seem too interested and you seem to be chasing her. 

My impression is that there may be a push-pull caretaker dynamic going on - in which you play the role of a caretaker.

As a young man, I was attracted to women that had serious problems - like being abused as a child and now having drug addictions. I felt for her and wanted to give her good experiences in life she was never able to have. If she pulled away from me, the attraction would grow stronger. Ime, this doesn’t lead to healthy relationships - I would just get sucked into unhealthy situations and would end up taking too much responsibility and have to be the fixer. If I really care about her welfare, I would be a better helper as a friend, or just wishing her the best and moving on. 

[chungii chang]

@Parththakkar12 That one was painful but it's truth. Actually, all that time I was in doubt if I can handle her.

@Forestluv @Loba @Emerald @kras I'm starting to see now.  Trying to "save" someone, especially a girl hardly will lead to healthy relationships. Caretaker and boyfriend is not compatible roles? Shit... I have a feeling that I was behaving not adequately myself and that was resulting in freaking her out. I would be freaked by such a girl myself.

@zeroISinfinity I was smelling with naїvetee? Can understand now why she said that I too young for her. Though she said that likes my body (I'm going to gym and practicing hatha-yoga for a few years) that's not big deal as I see. Thanks, will wacth Teal Swan.

 

Friends, you are the best. Will reread your replies for some time. Thanks for advices. I just leave her alone for a few months, not for ever, think it will be wise. 

[zeroISinfinity]

@chungii chang Will write you a story today when I was exact your age with older lady. I was 20 she was 28.

[StarStruck]

She sees you as a beta orbiter. You are overcompensating by reaching out that much. 

At one point you just have to ask for the thing you want from her EXPLICITLY. 

At that point you will get an answer from her. You orbiting around and not being direct about your intentions is a turn off. 

 

[chungii chang]

@StarStruck I've said clearly that I want to date her.But when I asked her to go somewhere for a walk/caffee she just ignored.

[Parththakkar12]

34 minutes ago, chungii chang said:

@StarStruck I've said clearly that I want to date her.But when I asked her to go somewhere for a walk/caffee she just ignored.

Not clear enough!

Hanging out doesn't cut it. The date will go nowhere and she knows that. What you need is an agenda, a materialistic agenda for the collective of the two of you. That's what you need as a leader of the collective of the two of you. In this context, sex. You need to make a very clear decision about whether you want to sleep with her or not and if you do, what exactly you want to do with her. That's where your confidence will come from and that'll draw her in.

I'd suggest finding yourself in the context of sex before going out into the dating-world.

I understand that you may want an attachment-relationship with her. That's all good and fine. However, if you aren't chasing sex, your collective isn't moving towards a common materialistic goal that all the individuals of the collective want and value. In such a situation, the materialistic goals of all the individuals will take them away from each other and the collective will fall apart. Your attachment-relationship won't work, or rather, it's at her mercy, if you don't have the sex part figured out.

The point being, all human collectives come together for materialistic reasons, when individuals have materialistic goals, so they create a collective that has a common materialistic goal that integrates all the individual goals of the individuals. You see this with business and with dating. The point of the collective is to take organized action towards the common materialistic goal so that everyone involved gets what they want.

It is very important that you, as the leader of your collective that is your romantic relationship, understand this and you set the goals for the collective, the agenda for the collective as to how you're going to achieve that goal, create strategies, plans and execute on those plans. You don't have to do all of this alone, you can have her help and her advice in doing this and you can integrate all of that in your dating-strategy. You have to initiate and lead all of this though. If she isn't on board, understand why, learn your lesson about her and women in general from that situation and move on to the next woman.

[chungii chang]

@Parththakkar12 "more to the point" thing? I understand that such knowledge and mindset comes with experience. But I will hold that in mind when decide to make relationship with girl, especially older than me.

What kind of literature and other additional material can you advice to me on such matters? Will be helpful.

And what about women lies? That's just crazy! What's that mean? Can woman lie such dirty to "her" man? Maybe that some kind of defensive reaction? I've seen that kind of behavior already but don' t know how to deal with it. My first reaction is push her to saying truth but as I see it is not effective. After such "questioning" any kind of relationships seemed impossible!

[Parththakkar12]

52 minutes ago, chungii chang said:

"more to the point" thing? I understand that such knowledge and mindset comes with experience. But I will hold that in mind when decide to make relationship with girl, especially older than me.

First things first - If you are clueless about this relationship, don't go in for some sort of outcome. Don't expect this to magically get better because it won't. If that's why you're in it, if you're hoping for this to go anywhere, the first thing I'd do is I'd let go of any attachment to outcome. If you have trouble with this, get professional help.

Once that's done, if you still want to stick around, what you want to do in the relationship is you want to try to understand her. You want to really look at the dynamics and get to know her, understand what's really going on between the two of you. Ideally you want to do that on your own time but now that she is in the picture, doesn't hurt to do this with her help.

52 minutes ago, chungii chang said:

What kind of literature and other additional material can you advice to me on such matters? Will be helpful.

In relationships, Teal Swan is the best. She is one of the best experts in the world about relationships. In fact, she is the best, period.

52 minutes ago, chungii chang said:

And what about women lies? That's just crazy! What's that mean? Can woman lie such dirty to "her" man? Maybe that some kind of defensive reaction? I've seen that kind of behavior already but don' t know how to deal with it. My first reaction is push her to saying truth but as I see it is not effective. After such "questioning" any kind of relationships seemed impossible!

Let go of attachment to outcomes. This stuff will cease to matter to you. With this specific woman, of course. Don't do anything rash or out of anger. You will regret it.

About your issues with women's lies in general, that's a very tricky conversation. Especially when there's too many people waiting to call you a sexist, misogynist male pig. They absolutely can lie, your concern is legit. It can be very frustrating to separate the wheat from the chaff. There's only one real way to know - learn to connect with them. When you do, when you are able to feel the Oneness, you will be able to see the truth about the other person. Then, once you have the truth with which to tally everything she says and does, now the real work begins of separating the wheat from the chaff. You can understand her agenda, her mindsets, her attitudes towards the situation.

Edited March 15, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[zeroISinfinity]

Gd got points for speaking truth about people. Literally gaved accurate  advice that will heal this guy up. 

Yeah wear white gloves. Why I care. Greatful for never trusting them. 

Edited March 15, 2021 by zeroISinfinity

[chungii chang]

@Parththakkar12 I have nothing to add. Will go out and see that for myself. Thanks.

@zeroISinfinity I'll be glad to read your story!