Novice Mystical Experience | What Happened To Me?

[NOTintoxicated]

So a few days ago, I underwent a rather insane and trippy experience that I'm sure somebody here has an educated explanation for. I know I've typed a lot here, but I'd sincerely appreciate you taking the time to hear me out if you believe you can provide insight.

Years of fascination with metaphysics and epistemology eventually led me to spirituality, and still, 20 months later, I have not managed to commit to a meditation routine of any sort despite all of the well-founded information and compelling advisory prescriptions for adopting such a routine. Due to my epic lack of willpower I find that my most comfortable method of spiritual insight is simply self-inquiry. Being naturally introspective, I had intuited that consciousness transcends our human lifespan long before I ever stumbled across Leo's content, which has served as a compelling confirmation for my intuition.

Despite my lack of spiritual practices I experienced something rather profound a few days ago. During a marijuana high I started to notice a sense of uneasiness coming on. Uncontrollable anxiety. In this state I usually start to think about the worst possibilities one could conjure, and this naturally worsens the anxiety. I hadn't been high in a while, so I was certain this anxiety was a physiological reaction to what I had consumed, and that my innate mentality is not inherently this anxious.

I have been uncomfortably anxious before, but this time I decided to try relieving it just by freeing up my body. I normally never do anything like this, but for some reason, this time I just decided, fuck it, if I have even the slightest urge to make a spastic motion with my arms I'll just do it... Nobody's watching me. So I decided to stop trying to sit up normal, and just shamelessly act out whatever unforeseeable urges come into my body. However, I knew I couldn't just "let go" entirely, because one of the unexpected urges was to simply allow my body to go limp. I would have done this if it were ideal, but I knew I would hit my head on my desk if I did that, so I went to lie down on the bed so that I could just totally do whatever comes to mind without getting hurt.

I laid there for a couple seconds before I started rapidly moving all of the fingers on my right hand, and this slowly turned into moving both sets of fingers, then both arms, and seconds later moving both legs, but in a way that I would not be comfortable doing in front of another person. It was spastic. However, this was noticeably relieving my anxiety, so I fully allowed this process to take place and before long, I had involuntarily gotten up, and started moving my upper body in a completely symmetrical motion.

I never have any urges to do anything like this ordinarily. I even thought Martin Ball (who I respect quite a bit) just looked like an outright silly doofus doing his cringe ass symmetrical yoga shit, so this is not like, part of my subconscious expressing itself. It would look totally freakish had someone seen me acting like this; it was a totally foreign expression of body movements that nobody would suspect me of having an affinity for. But this was relieving the fuck out of my anxiety in a way that nothing else ever has. I'm NOT exaggerating when I say it was like I was being possessed by a helpful (but initially frightening) entity that was using my body to perform it's archaic dance ritual. I was not "totally possessed" however, I could always take back control at will, albeit at the expense of my anxiety relief, but the relief felt too good, so I let it control me.

It became totally obvious that there is a lot of tension in the body in ways I had never considered before. I have vague memories of Leo talking about this, but I never really took it too seriously. Until now... After about 15 minutes of full-blown symmetrical spasticity I had not only entirely overcome my anxiety, but my mood was elevated to a very 'loving' sort of state. I have experienced this 'loving' sort of state 2 times prior. Both provoked from marijuana highs, specifically during highs in which I had a low tolerance due to recent abstinence. 

This state only lasted for maybe a couple minutes, but during those minutes, the most profound sensation I can recall was this strong desire to do my absolute best to make my parents extremely proud of me, as lame as it sounds. I don't ordinarily feel these sorts of emotions, but I have recently grown to accept my parents for who they are in ways I was not open to as a younger adolescent and this experience seemed to be an extreme manifestation of this newfound acceptance. I'd call it a mystical experience because I know that my ordinary baseline consciousness (even when extremely high/faded) does not evoke these sorts of feelings. The first time I experienced it, I felt like a total asshole for my previous fantasies of eventually owning my own place, and righteously refusing entry to my Trump supporting mother on the basis of her being a rotten fascist, and it just felt like the stupidest, cruelest thing I had ever conjured in my life, while in this state. 

In my ordinary temperament I still feel justified in these intentions, but due to my first 'loving mystical state' I have vowed to myself not to follow through with those inclinations, because the experience was that profound. I am my ordinary self now, and I don't feel stupid or cruel for having this disposition. It feels totally justified right now, and I'm not ashamed about it because I genuinely believe it's a sensible position, and I will gladly admit that I think you're a simpleton if you can't empathize. At least I will, until I return to this spiritual state, and when I do, I know it will feel unfathomably stupid that I would ever be so cruel. 

I'm hoping somebody has an educated diagnoses for what I underwent. I'm preemtively leaning towards some kind of 'kundalini' explanation, not that I know too much about that shit exactly.

I should also mention, all throughout the remainder of the night of that experience, I was able to "let go" and provoke these involuntary symmetrical movements to relieve tension at will. Even though hours had passed I was still able to arouse this transcendental unshackling, and I suspected that I had unlocked a new spirituality technique, or that I was uniquely talented since I had discovered this realization with my only experience in spiritual development being self-inquiry. The next day however, when I attempted to just "let go" it did not stimulate the same liberating sensation of effortless symmetry, but only seemed like a diminished version. I would allow my body to do any motion it desires by "letting go", but the involuntary movements were not symmetrical, nor as relieving. I still felt there was value in this diminished version of the experience, but I definitely experienced something more profound the night before.

I'm now open to starting a yoga routine, and I would like to know where to get started. Which approach should I take? I really appreciate anyone who can help me out here. Thankyou for taking the time.

[Nahm]

Sounds like you had a break from beliefs & judgments which are asymmetrical in terms of feeling, or simply, being. Without thought attachment / a ‘separate self’ control narrative, reality is inevitably realized to be perfection and made of perfect symmetry. I’d do a few minutes of awareness of thoughts meditation each morning, and maybe again in the afternoon to keep ‘emptying your cup’. I’d also slowly make changes to clean diet & exercise every morning. Then I’d consider doing emotional awareness meditation. As emotion comes up & out, considering using the emotional scale to express and clear out ‘blockages’ and bring understanding to emotion. I’d also have emotional equanimity at the ready for any past relationship resentments or grudges that arise, to free yourself of it. I’d make the overarching theme that of a dreamboard and focusing on & experiencing what you want, and feeling & experiencing the true nature & power of our source within becoming it ‘without’.  

[allislove]

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 I am my ordinary self now

Noooope.

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I'm now open to starting a yoga routine, and I would like to know where to get started. Which approach should I take? I really appreciate anyone who can help me out here. Thankyou for taking the time.

Just simple breathing meditation practice for an hour every morning.

[Bodhitree]

@NOTintoxicated My experience is that there are ways to call upon helper entities which expend themselves and eventually kind of evaporate into a higher state. I think you accessed one of those during your marijuana high. Recently I contacted a very clever something that called them ‘virtual intelligences’. There are various problems one can encounter, mostly by trying to talk to them or give them tasks, which will often take them onto destructive paths, so it’s best to do exactly what you already did, let it do its thing, make space for it, allow it to fulfill its duty. 

[NOTintoxicated]

@NahmThanks my guy, what a gold mine. It's taking me a bit to read through it all, but much appreciated.

@BodhitreeRidiculous, just crazy trippy shit I would have never assumed possible a couple years ago. Thanks for the input.

Hoping somebody can diagnose exactly what I experienced still, and the school of yoga that most accurately conforms to this experience so I can look more into it.

[Forestluv]

On 3/15/2021 at 5:39 PM, NOTintoxicated said:

the school of yoga that most accurately conforms to this experience so I can look more into it.

Kundalini yoga and breathwork.