It's All Write

[mandyjw]

My sister entered a beauty contest when she was 19 or something like that. It was so strange and awkward, our parents never cared about looks, we were never taught to dress up or look nice, or sing or dance, or any of that. She was exploring something or going through something. We all went out of support for her. She was the only one who didn't sing or dance for talent, she bucked the trend and did comedy that she wrote instead. Although I didn't appreciate the whole scenario and setting, I thought the comedy was absolutely brilliant and I had so much admiration for her for that. 

 

[mandyjw]

So ultimately your mood or vibration is total bullshit, but since it's more real than the thoughts you're used to thinking, so it's much better to care and focus on it and give more attention to how you feel than the reality of the thoughts. If our judgement of how we're feeling wasn't total bullshit we couldn't change it so profoundly. If it's changeable, it's not real. Last night I want to bed with a slightly "meh" mood and woke up thinking, thinking, thinking, not satisfying thinking. 

It struck me that this is what greed really is. I want to know what people think of me. Ultimately I want to know what I think of me. I want to know when the package I ordered will come. I want to know where I stand, how I'm doing. I am Knowing itself, Awareness saying in this moment, this Knowing is not enough, I want this specific knowing that I do not have. In these "moods" I frustrate myself and freak myself out because I can't find a perspective to land on, I know they are all untrue and yet I search through them endlessly. I'm looking for an object to rest on, none will do, none will fit. How exhausting!

I'm noticing more and more how every flawed thought has a truth at its root, under a misinterpretation, and so dropping it feels horrible, it feels like a cutting yourself off. We are taught to drop thoughts that don't feel good, and if your vibration is such that you cannot see it with clarity, this is the right route to take, BUT this dropping, is not dropping, it's like shoving the mess on the floor under the bed so it's out of the way but not taken care of. To take care of this thought, you must see the pure light in it. 

"I'm unworthy." I don't need to do anything to prove my worth, I have no inherent, measurable worth of my own that can be lost. 

"I'm silly."  I am uncaused, purposeless, spontaneous, here for joy and hilarity. 

 

 

“Learn to live without self-concern. For this you must know your own true being as indomitable, fearless, ever victorious. Once you know with absolute certainty that nothing can trouble you, you come to disregard your desires and fears, concepts and ideas and live by truth alone.”
― Nisargadatta Maharaj

“In dream you love some and not others. On waking up you find you are love itself, embracing all. Personal love, however intense and genuine, invariably binds; love in freedom is love of all.”
― Nisargadatta Maharaj

 

[mandyjw]

Alright so, if there are no "low vibrations" as there is no thing that can be vibrating, then you can let go of the resistance to being in a low vibration. What happens when I get in a low vibration? Understanding and insight from the experience of observing what it's like. The feeling bad is always feeling, always observation. So who/what has a low vibration? 

There has never been a more useful conceptual framework to embrace and throw away at the same time. It's like consuming food, communion. 

"Jesus said to them, "Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you." 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Alright so, (are we meditating this morning Amanda, or just spamming your journal?) I still judge myself for expressing things, especially if I express those things when I'm not in a great mood. Actually, I do judge those things when I am in an AMAZING MOOD, perhaps the most, so maybe the lower my mood is, the less I speak. But sometimes I express things that are misunderstood, when I'm not seeing clearly. But there's no opportunity to see clearly if I don't make a fool of myself. 

I so wanted those proverbs about being silent to feel good, but they never did. They felt like a solution to problem like "I'm bad at math, so I just won't try." I kept telling myself all my life that wise people shut up. The best way to lose your reputation is to open your mouth, so just stay seen and unheard. If a tree falls in the woods and not one hears it, does it make a sound? If some fucking idiot never opens their mouth is the fucking idiot still a fucking idiot? I mean, you're still gonna come across a fallen tree if it falls over your path, even if you didn't hear it. 

I never liked being around people because I felt like I had to keep everything in. If I felt sick, I couldn't show it. That would upset people. If I was upset, I couldn't show it, that would upset people. If I said the f word in polite company, I'd feel sick for sure. 

"You'll not make a fool of me Rose." 

It's all of course, again, so much effort put into caring what other people think. 

What's wanting money for? Creating, feeling good, and greed because of caring what people think. I don't think you have one without the other. Greed and caring what other people think goes hand in hand. So what were we supposed to do when people told us not to be greedy because people wouldn't like us for that? We found ways to be greedy about things other than money. Easy. Cause greed is just a thought, "I'm not enough."

[mandyjw]

Oh. My. God.

greedy (adj.)

Old English grædig (West Saxon), gredig (Anglian) "voracious, hungry," https://www.etymonline.com/word/greedy?ref=etymonline_crossreference

41 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

It's like consuming food, communion. 

"Jesus said to them, "Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you." 

I always hated the name Amanda as I got older, so I decided to go by Mandy at some point cause it was what people called me when I was really little. 

Amanda is a Latin female gerundive name meaning "deserving to be loved," "worthy of love," or "loved very much by everyone." Its diminutive form includes Mandy, Manda and Amy.

Why am I rewriting my journal, rewriting those insights that came to me? 

“Whatever you forget, is not the truth, always remember that.”
― Nisargadatta Maharaj, The Ultimate Medicine: Dialogues with a Realized Master

“Truth is not a reward for good behaviour, nor a prize for passing some tests. It cannot be brought about. It is the primary, the unborn, the ancient source of all that is. You are eligible because you are. You need not merit truth. It is your own....Stand still, be quiet.”
― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Let's go back to the first teachings we encountered. 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

 

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

I'm noticing more and more how every flawed thought has a truth at its root, under a misinterpretation, and so dropping it feels horrible, it feels like a cutting yourself off. We are taught to drop thoughts that don't feel good, and if your vibration is such that you cannot see it with clarity, this is the right route to take, BUT this dropping, is not dropping, it's like shoving the mess on the floor under the bed so it's out of the way but not taken care of. To take care of this thought, you must see the pure light in it. 

 

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

Cause greed is just a thought, "I'm not enough."

There's truth, and a desire in this thought. What I think I am is not enough and will never be enough. 

[mandyjw]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

The best way to lose your reputation is to open your mouth, so just stay seen and unheard. 

Ah, ok. (Petra is like Elmo to me, them there early beloved original teachers.) My parents stopped going to church when I was really young and I ended up with some Christian rock cassette tapes of rock music and a purple Walkman to teach me about God, and was in pretty damn good hands. 

Ok, so what they're really saying is people think of themselves are great Christians, but they isn't lovin'. That's what they mean by seen and not heard. I can get down with that. 

I'd actually flipped that on it's heard (ugh, head) and thought silence was the only way to get others to think of me as good, when I is Good-ing.

Oh, somehow typing heard instead of head just gave me the insight, if someone SAYS that you should be silent, they are talking, so should you believe them?

Fucking hilarious! 

I is free. Oh so free.

I can teach/learn as Elmo in all my immature uninhibited fuckery, or well intended mature Kermit. I am both. 

 

[mandyjw]

22 hours ago, mandyjw said:

 

I know this is bullshit. I know what I am. I've always known what I am. 

Lyin! Lion. Suddenly my business name makes even more sense. It's big, powerful and it's small and lowly and significant at the same time. 

Universe, LOA, whatever, I want Bob Hartman's address so I can write him and thank him. Internet search is not turning it up. 

 I can find only that he lives in Lyons, NY. Heartman lives in Lyons. Universe, you so funny. 

 

[mandyjw]

What if the things you love seem to cause the most suffering because when you shine the light fully on something it makes the contrast around it seem more? 

It seems stupid but one of the ways I suffer the most is with getting outdoor time. I go back and forth, I exhaust myself making sure I make the most of every season, everyday, good weather. I neglect the laundry, the dishes, my business, everything and drag unwilling children to the beach. I think it's because it clears my mind so effortlessly. I love the focus of it, once I'm there, and at home it's like there a million things vying for my attention. 

But it feels like FOMO and there's this deep existential fear of being inside on a nice day. Sounds ridiculous! Maybe this has been happening for a while. I remember taking my SATS and losing all hope when they weren't over when they said they'd be on a Saturday on the first nice day of spring. 

I've created this sort of worship of nature and moving around in it. 

worship (n.)

Old English worðscip, wurðscip (Anglian), weorðscipe (West Saxon) "condition of being worthy, dignity, glory, distinction, honor, renown," from weorð "worthy" (see worth) + -scipe (see -ship). Sense of "reverence paid to a supernatural or divine being" is first recorded c. 1300. The original sense is preserved in the title worshipful "honorable" (c. 1300).

OHH!!! Worthy, worth ship. Am I just some fucking idiot, who never got these word connections before or do we all unconsciously go about using words? Language is a real bitch, like me. 

8 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Amanda is a Latin female gerundive name meaning "deserving to be loved," "worthy of love," or "loved very much by everyone." Its diminutive form includes Mandy, Manda and Amy.

 Oh. Nicely played. 

I'm loved very much by everyone mother fuckers! Says it right here. You better comply. Hubby calls me Demand-a. 

What am I journaling about? oh. I want to go to the beach. Wait, no, that wasn't quite it. 

[mandyjw]

Alright so, is my FOMO from not being in nature a form of insecurity, or feeling not enough? 

Yup.

But, but, but. How can something I LOVE...?

Woah. My attention was just pulled to a flower jewelry piece right in front of me. My entire business is about being inside making things, "inspired by nature"  

Imagine if I used for my tagline,  NOT INSPIRED BY SOME FAKE SHIT. 

Is LOVE enough for me, not to focus on the exclusion of it? Oh no, it's really not.

Universe, you've got a high maintenance one here. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH FOR HER.

I am not love in exclusion of anything else. I do not buy the ketchup I sort of want and walk away lamenting the other ketchups i did not select. Cause I don't give a FUCK about ketchup! But I do give a FUCK about some people and some beaches. 

What was I journaling about again? Oh right, I want to go to the beach. 

Edited April 22, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

We are making macaroni and cheese, not going to the beach right now. 

I AM the BEACH just like in the Blake Shelton song. I am the WORTHY BEA-I-CH. 

Ok, BUT I didn't go to the beach today. 

But we went to all kinds of beautiful places on all kinds of beautiful days. 

Yes, but it's not enough. 

Ok, ok, I just want to go outside and look at the sky. Like the last time I was walking it was just like I lost myself in it. It's so beautiful, the clouds are always so unexpected, so breathtaking. 

Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's game
On this endless ocean, finally lovers know no shame
Turning and returning to some secret place inside
Watchin' in slow motion as you turn around and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watchin', I keep waiting, still anticipating love
Never hesitatin' to become the fated ones
Turning and returning to some secret place to hide
Watchin' in slow motion as you turn to me and say, my love

Take my breath away

Through the hourglass I saw you, in time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed, I called you and turned to hear you say
If only for today, I am unafraid

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watchin' every motion in this foolish lover's game
Haunted by the notion, somewhere there's a love in flames
Turning and returning to some secret place inside
Watchin' in slow motion as you turn my way and say

Take my breath away
My love, take my breath away
My love, take my breath away
My love
My love, take my breath away

 

pine (v.)

Middle English pinen "cause to starve" (c. 1300), from Old English pinian "to torture, torment, afflict, cause to suffer," from *pīn (n.) "pain, torture, punishment," from a general Germanic word (compare Middle Dutch pinen, Old High German pinon, German Pein, Old Norse pina), all possibly ultimately from Latin poena "punishment, penalty" (see penal). If so, the Latin word probably came into Germanic with Christianity.

The intransitive sense of "to languish, waste away, be consumed with grief or longing," the main modern meaning, is recorded from early 14c., via the Middle English intransitive senses of "endure penance, torment oneself; endure pain, suffer." Related: Pined; pining.

9 hours ago, mandyjw said:

greedy (adj.)

Old English grædig (West Saxon), gredig (Anglian) "voracious, hungry," https://www.etymonline.com/word/greedy?ref=etymonline_crossreference

Whoopsy daisy. 

pineal (adj.)

1680s, in reference to the gland in the brain, from French pinéal, literally "like a pine cone," from Latin pinea "pine cone," from pinus "pine tree" (see pine (n.)).

I definitely get God, sex and nature all mixed up sometimes. Nonduality. 

[mandyjw]

Ok, it's a hunger, and it's not important. 

Oh no, we've devolved further into romance and the 80's music. 

I'm powerless to stop this. 

Yes Eric, her boobs do look fantastic. 

Also fun fact most people forget, boobs make food. 

Eric Carmen is Cookie Monster. He's confused too. Nonduality. 

While I'm not paying attention watching cookie monster and boobs, the dog just ate the hot dogs.  ?‍♀️ That's ironic. 

She plays the saxophone? What the fuck? 

 

Nice job focusing today Mandy! A++++

 

Aww, it's just a movie he's watching and he disappears at the end! 

Nice. 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

There's such a crazy surprising element of ass backwardsness to spiritual "progression". It'll make you laugh/cry. I guess it's just the unwinding in a belief of progression and progressing. time. It's already it, right here, always was. The winding up movement created the tension and the sense of movement, but it's just spinning, the movement not there. I think that's why trying to grasp one's progression drives people crazy. If there is true movement, how could you grasp it AND continue to allow it move at the same time? 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Funny that the "deeper" you go down the rabbit hole, the simpler and simpler things get. Amazing how much you can explain with a rubber band. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Inner Being/God/Mother, I have a bone to pick with you. All these Princes you've sent to rescue me from my tower have been a disappointment. 

I sent you a ton of strong women today though. 

Yes, you did. It was quite something actually. 

You created that. 

I did. Am I lesbian or something?

No, but I am. 

Oh, right. Ooooo...! thunder. I've really had a very fun day. Some old thinking patterns, yes. Some problems I want to solve, yes. But just like I realized last night with the nature thing, a love is a love, not a problem, and yes I do want to realize that. I can't believe how blessed I am. I can't believe how much I have and how much I can never lose. Funny how when we get what we really want we say "I can't believe it!" I can't believe it. 

A love is a love. 

"I had some big belief busting experiences within a short time frame, the problem with describing them is that it almost always seems like it comes out as sort of like a bad and misleading representation. My dad describes a similar experience when his father passed away, I presume that there's window that opens during that time that is truly stunning if you're the slightest bit open to it. Makes me think of the curtain being torn after Jesus passes away in the Bible. 

The curtain being torn symbolized that ALL had free, clear access to God, and I think it just hit me why that was so significant. 

Great topic, thank you. "

Wow. For some reason I started to write a poem today and wrote down words I was inspired by. Veil was one. It was the one I gave the most thought. And the song I loved so much by George Ezra, I listened to it again a few times today has the lines,

When I dance alone, and the Suns's bleeding down
Blame it on me
When I lose control and the veil's overused
Blame it on me
What you're waiting for?
What you're waiting for?

WOW. Synchronicity with Jesus's death. Talk about being sold a Prince come to save you story. And really he just came to tell everyone that they didn't need saving. 

Oooo... the thunder! I love the thunder.

I suppose a lightning bolt makes the sky look like it's torn in two. 

Ok Inner Being/God/Mother. I take it back. I'm not disappointed at all, just forgot mine own power/love for a moment. 

Didn't forget, you just thought you were somebody who needed rescuing. 

 

rescue (v.)

c. 1300, from stem of Old French rescorre "protect, keep safe; free, deliver" (Modern French recourre), from re-, intensive prefix (see re-), + escourre "to cast off, discharge," from Latin excutere "to shake off, drive away," from ex "out" (see ex-) + -cutere, combining form of quatere "to shake" (see quash). Related: Rescued; rescuing.

Alright, before i get the impulse to sing Taylor Swift songs...

too late

It's time for bed. 

 

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Ok, so it was deeply ingrained in my head that I needed a man for salvation/enlightenment to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Little girl steals the Sesame street people from her sister several times and gets told she needs Jesus or she's going to hell.

Then I found Leo, let go of Jesus, found Eckhart Tolle, realized what Jesus was actually, gravitated towards a couple men on the forum, had an awakening, and looked around with eyes of wonder and beginners eyes like a baby bird, and what did I see? Men. Every Tom, Dick and Harry, minus the Dick and Harry, Tom x2, one alive, one dead, cause Thomas means twin, so obviously your need two of them. Such a spiritual whore you are, Mary Magdalene. "I will make her male."

JESUS! 

Universe, why you set me up like this? 

If you believe you're a woman, you'll believe you need a man. 

I just didn't realize that this was still happening!

Yeah... it's not. 

I swear to God, I'd forgive you for this if it made a good story, but it doesn't, I mean it's just sad and confusing. 

You're the story teller. Tell a different story.

This song keeps going through my head. 

Alright so what? This isn't exclusive to me or to women. We mix up need with love. We think being told we're needed is sweet sometimes and gag worthy other times. We try to avoid being needy. No one needs each other, everyone needs each other. We're back to the previous subject of boobs, and cookie monster, and my love of nature. Love the thing, don't miss it when it's gone. Cause it's not gone. 

Woah. I just remembered the name of a kid I was friends with in grade school and he was an athirst but his name meant Christ Needy. I just spelled atheist as athirst. Oh God. 

I've just been creating this, creating the need and creating the solution. I can stop doing that. What do I want to create? 

 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

I'm frustrated with the back and forth. Feeling the excitement of life, realizing I've lapsed into thought structures (was not feeling excitement), sobering up.

Sobering up is not waking up. Waking up feels like appreciation and transcendence and letting go. Sobering up feels like self-judgement, regret, and thoughts of walking off the face of the earth, not creating anymore. 

Seeking, denying, seeking, denying. 

Loop dee loop de loop. Gas, brakes, gas, brakes. 

Feels miserable, feels like I'm completely paralyzed, I don't know what choice to make, I don't know what my intuition is telling me, it's sayin' nothin. 

I don't have a perspective, I've got no focus, nothing.

I am focusing on not having a focus. Humm... Seriously?

Why would I do that?  Habit of thought to claim a trajectory and itself as the continuum. It was never the focus, but an object focused on, and it does not have the power to hold focus. 

For whatever reason this year the daffodils are spectacular. I never planted any of them, the lady who lived in this house before did. And they only get better and better and better. And I don't even do anything to them. This year I did cut back some bushes around them, but I only did this because they looked so beautiful, I thought maybe my action could enhance what already was going well. 

Holy old fuck. The magic of journaling never ceases to amaze me. 

That's the magic of focus. 

 

[mandyjw]

Having freedom to do what you want with your day seems like a blessing a curse. I have lots of freedom to do only what I'm inspired to do, and yet I also have the freedom to waiver back and forth in indecision and no motivation. 

I'm focusing on having no focus. What do I want to focus on? Daffodils? Will that work again? Probably not. 

When I was doing drawings and paintings, I used to enjoy the part toward the end the most. Because you were just adding to what was already wonderful on its own, making it even more wonderful. 

That's the "right" use of the mind, isn't it? 

If you parent a child with the attitude that they are horrible and you must reform them, it will be awful for them and you. But if you parent them with the understanding that they are wonderful, but that there are some refinements that could be made and would be fun and good to make, it's a much different experience.