It's All Write

[mandyjw]

Craft ideas:

• Make a set of "other people" in my head puppets. For illustrative purposes. I'm thinking socks and googly eyes. 
• Paint the cracked board in the antique windsor chair with flowers growing up through it. 
• Sew a heart to the sleeve of a hoodie. 

Imagination, Mind, are you big enough to hold all my treasures?

Sure. We stretch to accommodate. But before you trust us with anything, just know there are lots of holes. Black ones, white ones, plot holes, ass holes. 

Great.

I'm not good enough. 

I'm just a fuck up.

No one cares.

No one appreciates me. 

You're a self centered bitch for writing that.

What will people think? 

Why do you keep pressing enter?

The most frustrating thing is that I can't even focus long enough to properly hate myself. Nothing has any stick, any permanency. 

I fail at hating myself.

I can't even do that.

Sigh. 

Geez, this whole thought thing. Really got me.

We really got you. 

Well, now I know THIS exists. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Where is the sting, tell me where is the bite? 

Where is the victory, where is the prize?

When the last enemy is done from the dust will come a song
Those asleep will be awakened - not a one will be forsakened
He shall wipe away our tears - He will steal away our fears
There will be no sad tomorrow - there will be no pain and sorrow

The very first music I heard, was only ever speaking about liberation. 

The last enemy is me. 

enemy (n.)

early 13c., "one hateful toward and intent on harming (someone)," from Old French enemi (12c., Modern French ennemi), earlier inimi (9c.) "enemy, adversary, foe; demon, the Devil," from Latin inimicus "an enemy," literally "an unfriend," noun use of adjective meaning "hostile, unfriendly" (source also of Italian nemico, Catalan enamic, Spanish enemigo, Portuguese inimigo), from in- "not" (see in- (1)) + amicus "friend" related to amare "to love"

inimi? in a me? 

Can't make this shit up. 

[Esilda]

On 18/09/2021 at 2:46 AM, mandyjw said:

Yes, DO IT! It really does help you to express yourself in conversation and in other ways too. Thank you!

Sorry if this is an annoying answer, but I see everything and everyone appearing in the light of itSelf. So there are no enlightened selves, only Self which is the Light. 

 

Thank you soooo much for the encouragement . 

I'll be taking notes on your videos from now on I quite like them  , if you want to share anymore tips say for presentation and how you talk about topics I would be grateful absolutely zero pressure here though  .

[mandyjw]

@Esilda I've found not thinking too much about presentation to be more helpful than anything. Writing down a few thoughts for longer or more complex videos is sometimes a help and sometimes a hindrance. If you're doing more technical videos or straight forward how to videos, I'd expect that to be much different. If it's more about expression, practice that, trying to figure out how it looks in advance can hinder what you're actually looking to present. 

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by mandyjw

[Esilda]

@mandyjw 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

I went into the town office to pay taxes and there was a long line. There was a man there, that I know of. He's incredibly outgoing, and I remember my sister telling of him coming in for a drug abuse program in highschool. He talked about how bad mushrooms fucked him up, that was the pinnacle of his "Don't do drugs" speech. A few years ago his son died after an ATV accident. While I was there he talked about his donated organs and receiving teddy bear with the recording of his heartbeat, which someone else has now. He was in there with no emotion and I was staring at a historical photo of the town hiding and trying to distract myself wondering when the fuck there had ever been a dam there cause the river shows no signs, thinking "Jesus Fuck, this is about all I can take." I couldn't handle it. 

This kid was a piece of shit. Total piece of shit. He was the first kid at like age 6 to make a sexually inappropriate comment to me. (Wow, judgement central. Like that's BAD, you should feel bad about that.)  Well, that's why I couldn't handle it. 

So the entire time, this man is sitting there with no mask in one of the few chairs, so relaxed and I'm holding his place in line. He told me was in line just ahead of me, which I knew and I said "I got you." So I hold his imaginary place in line the whole time, and when it's his turn, I turn to him and he's jabbing on with some other guy about the same historical photo or something at the back of the room. 

So he goes up and is still talking about how hard it is to get things, and his lawn mower breaking. (I know, dude.) "And he says, this is insane, I don't what we'll do if we done get Trump back in, the democrats are CRAZY!" The word of crazy just triggered me. (There's something you are identifying with.) Then I think he thanked me for holding his place, which for some unknown reason, I ignored because I didn't think

it was for me. 

And I go home, and I sit to meditate and think of the etymology of crazy, and broken crazed pottery, and flowers growing up out of the floorboards, and old beautifully dilapidated falling apart houses. And I think of thought I'd had of what a shitty fucking teacher I am, batshit crazy, the crazy leading the crazy, but I imagine it as lines going everywhere, every which way, like lightning in the sky, and how else could it EVER be? And I laugh, and I laugh and I laugh and I cry. 

"Interesting, only something that is moving wants guidance. So the movement IS the guide. Meaning it's utterly free." 

Still looking for validation. 

valid (adj.)

1570s, "having force in law, legally binding," from French valide (16c.), from Latin validus "strong, effective, powerful, active," from valere "be strong" (from PIE root *wal- "to be strong"). 

humble (adj.)

late 13c., of persons, "submissive, respectful, lowly in manner, modest, not self-asserting, obedient," from Old French humble, umble, earlier umele, from Latin humilis "lowly, humble," literally "on the ground," from humus "earth," from PIE root *dhghem- "earth." From late 14c., of things, "lowly in kind, state, condition, or amount," also "of low birth or rank." 

Lightning is crazy and self grounding. 

I was pissed off at this song last night. And now... here we go. Couldn't be more perfect. 

 

[mandyjw]

the dam. 

Yup. I wanted to mention it. I was like "no, that's stupid, you're the only one who cares about it." And he talked too much anyway.

I'm started to get tired of how breathtaking this all is. 

No you're not.

No I'm not. 

When you write it, as if it really happened, like in mundane afternoon, it just seems like you really made it up, to be poetic. Like you're this character and the author knows what's up, but you don't, you're just... subject to it. 

So he took off on his motorcycle, and the plate read the same thing that my password is to the forum.

It was the name of my cat I had when I was a kid, my deaf cat that my dad accidently ran over with his trailer, and felt so god awful bad about. She couldn't hear the motor start, she was sleeping behind the trailer wheel. He just took the day and took me to the beach somewhere, god he must have felt like shit. It wasn't his fault at all. It would have been insane for me to blame him. 

Ugh. 

[mandyjw]

mundane (adj.)

mid-15c., mondeine, "of this world, worldly, terrestrial," from Old French mondain "of this world, worldly, earthly, secular;" also "pure, clean; noble, generous" (12c.) and directly from Late Latin mundanus "belonging to the world" (as distinct from the Church), in classical Latin "a citizen of the world, cosmopolite," from mundus "universe, world," which is identical to mundus  "clean, elegant," but the exact connection is uncertain and the etymology is unknown.

Latin mundus "world" was used as a translation of Greek kosmos (see cosmos) in its Pythagorean sense of "the physical universe" (the original sense of the Greek word was "orderly arrangement"). Like kosmos (and perhaps by influence of it), Latin mundus also was used of a woman's "ornaments, dress," which also could entangle the adjective mundus "clean, elegant."

Wow.

[mandyjw]

Oh good! Jesus! (That was supposed to be god, no good.) I misspelled how today as "ho", up above and had to edit it. Then I read a comment today that just was like an electrical shock (oh god, misspelled that too, and I'm not saying as what), and I realized and remembered something about this realization, that I am a Whore. 

And this kid was one of the first people to trigger that need to protect myself. He was innocent. His dad let him watch too much TV, and I judged and blamed him. And I was innocent, my dad taught me I had to do something keep that in place. 

So I thought about how Tim Ferriss' Alice Little interviews was one of the most important things I ever listened to. She works at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. My avatar. How funny. 

I was going to delete this but then I remembered that my sister had to report this kid's older brother about some serious sexual misconduct with her on the bus. And I remember how disturbed I was by the whole thing. 

I keep thinking of Jim Newman's pointer of how it's amazing that the self holds itself together. And there's pain and tension like we try to hold it together. But we don't. We don't have to do anything. Could it be that frigging OLD? Could it be that innocent? All along? Like why do I want to demonize the fact that I demonized something, when it was all of the time just innocent? 

I hate that mother fucker, for sitting there so relaxed. He should be standing in line! How dare he be so fucking relaxed in his seat, and I have to hold his fucking place for him. I'm sick of holding your fucking place! I'm sick of putting in effort to protect myself from your bad fucking, negligent behavior. You should have raised your fucking boys to respect women. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

The kid was standing in the cafeteria line behind me when he said that. Whatever it was. Can't even remember. Thinking of his organs holding a place in line for others. Gone a bit too far with that one. 

Shit. I haven't ugly cried, in like forever. Cried, but not like that. 

It's a man's world. 

That's a song? 

Pop.

[mandyjw]

Oh fuck my life. It's like I'm DOOMED to be perpetually cheerful or something. Like someone who on a whim paints a wall bright yellow or something. 

Self identification much? 

Fucking yellow! It's yellow because it hates yellow. This is going downhill. 

You cannot paint over the yellow until you love it. 

Seems a waste.

Remember the bottle of kefir, the waste that was just for you?

You bring that up now? Last night after all the unnecessary drama I had a fit of rage. Rage. I feel disgusting today, like my head wants to explode. No motivation. No get up and go. And all this happened after a spectacularly amazing meditation session. What gives? I have a customer I haven't emailed. I haven't responded to people. Ok, I responded. 

Was that so hard? 

Yes, until I actually did it. 

Resistance is funny. What are we trying to accomplish with it? 

Ah yes. Just remember to keep the shake weight away from your face. 

 

[mandyjw]

Hard to follow up on that.

Lately I feel confuddled and I know there isn't really a reason I feel confuddled but there seems to be a reason. And that's confuddling. I feel like I've spent my life avoiding feelings, avoiding depression. And you sit in meditation and wonder of wonder, there's feeling and there aren't anything like that. The avoidance was the creation of it. But when I'm thinking, or not thinking rather, but thinking, it seems like that's happening. 

The motivation of not wanting to feel like shit doesn't cut it anymore.

I mean, in the SUMMER I can BELIEVE I'm really infinite bliss or some shit like that. Every year watching the conditions you think made you happy get stripped away can be disconcerting. I don't want to admit that I'm kinda panicky about it, like I feel like I need to take my last gasp of air. 

That air is mine! It's limited, and it's going away. Run, run, run from the depression.

Alright, whatever, come here. What do you want?

I am what you cannot see. I want to be seen. 

I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it in the future.

And what of now? 

I must prepare, stock the shelves, harvest, prepare. I must get it over with now, so I won't have to suffer in the future. 

You can't bottle up summer. You can't bottle up happiness. You cannot suffer now to prevent suffering later. You are not made happy by a circumstance. You are.

But I'm trying to do that. How are you supposed to look around and feel the chill in the air, and not DO anything? 

Trans- formation. Thank you nutrition facts telling me there is no trans fat in my sparkling water. Eyes went right to you.  

Trans- formations is trans (through) formation. 

Ok, so that's been a huge belief of mine. If I enough suffer now, I won't have to suffer later. 

suffer (v.)

mid-13c., "allow to occur or continue, permit, tolerate," 

Magic. Magic everywhere. 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I have this sense of obligation or commitment that I have to be there FOR people. Yesterday I looked up the etymology of commitment and it means literally we come together to throw and let go of shit. 

commit (v.)

late 14c., "to give in charge, entrust," from Latin committere "to unite, connect, combine; to bring together," from com "with, together" (see com-) + mittere "to release, let go; send, throw" (see

Seems funny. 

Rather than authentically enjoying my relationships I often turn them into some sort of burden. It was such a great thing to be able to leave my family to spend a weekend alone. 

burden (n.1)

"a load, that which is borne or carried," Old English byrðen "a load, weight, charge, duty;" also "a child;" from Proto-Germanic *burthinjo- "that which is borne" (source also of Old Norse byrðr, Old Saxon burthinnia, German bürde, Gothic baurþei), from PIE root *bher- (1) "to carry," also "to bear children."

suffer (v.)

mid-13c., "allow to occur or continue, permit, tolerate, fail to prevent or suppress," also "to be made to undergo, endure, be subjected to" (pain, death, punishment, judgment, grief), from Anglo-French suffrir, Old French sofrir "bear, endure, resist; permit, tolerate, allow" (Modern French souffrir), from Vulgar Latin *sufferire, variant of Latin sufferre "to bear, undergo, endure, carry or put under," from sub "up, under" (see sub-) + ferre "to carry, bear," from PIE root *bher- (1) "to carry," also "to bear children."

Funny that I dealt with this terrible regret of having kids right before discovering LOA and the awakening.

We believe that we are born, we believe consciousness resides in body. We believe we give birth, that consciousness resides in other bodies. This never happens, it never happens at any point. But it is so in thought. And so we believe we must bear... carry. Oh. 

There is nothing more amazing than feeling baby kicks, feeling from inside what you think is "your body", a whole new life that has it's own volition. 

volition (n.)

1610s, from French volition (16c.), from Medieval Latin volitionem (nominative volitio) "will, volition," noun of action from Latin stem (as in volo "I wish") of velle "to wish," from PIE root *wel- (2) "to wish, will" (see will (v.)). Related: Volitional.

Will, desire, love, freedom, 

I just wrote the term "resistant thought". As if the THOUGHT has the power to resist. Oh. Ohhhhhh. Oh. Oh! 

I told my husband, "I am completely, totally obsessed with etymology. I never saw this coming. I wonder what the etymology for coming is." 

"Just make sure you spell it right." 

Oh, no. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Coming

The Daily BlaspheMe would be a great name for a blog. 

Oh wait. 

blaspheme (v.)

"to speak impiously or irreverently of God and sacred things," mid-14c., from Old French blasfemer "to blaspheme" (14c., Modern French blasphémer), from Church Latin blasphemare (which in Late Latin also meant "revile, reproach," hence blame (v.)), from Greek blasphemein "to speak lightly or amiss of sacred things, to slander," from blasphemos "evil-speaking" (see blasphemy).

Sacred things are LIGHT. We are the light. How could you not take it lightly? 

So coming back to this, haha. One of my friends has struggled with infertility for years and finally got pregnant through IVF. Something happened, and she ended up going to a far away major hospital, and having him prematurely. I think he'll be ok, but he is only 3 pounds. My other friend flew up here Saturday after not being able to visit in two years and called me today, her dog escaped the fence and is missing again in the city, in another state. Should she skip her long awaited visit home and fly back, all the search and rescue groups will think she's awful if she doesn't? And in both cases, burden, birth, light. 

Came home from making a video and my dog ate the rest of my birthday cake. 

You can have your cake and eat it too. But you were never born. 

 

[mandyjw]

Dedicated to my cake...

I love that we make a wish when we blow out the candles. Extinguished. Granted. Ohhh.... 

[mandyjw]

“Keep me from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh, and the greatness which does not bow before children.” Kahil Gibran 

 

 

[mandyjw]

We get super wrapped up in projections of suffering. Sometimes I worry that by sharing some of my more emotional shit flying around posts, that people will think I'm suffering, and then I suffer!  Oh boy. Thought, you're such a bad mother fucker! I do love me the bad boys though. And the good ones. I like to corrupt the good ones. Girls too. Ok, that's enough. What will people think? Who am I talking about? Who knows! Anyway...

The thing is when you're releasing, it can look awful, but it feels amazing. 

Suffering is and always was strangely different from what we think it is. From the outside, what looks like extreme suffering is sometimes rapturous relief. Anger, crying, grief, realization. Then someone who looks fine can be in utter despair. Then our own minds filter things wrongly if we misunderstand.  "I cried because I'm fragile." "I was angry because I can't control myself, I'm bad."  

During a massage I had a memory pop up about being sick and trying not to throw up in front of people in school. There was no suffering like that, that runs so deep as feeling like you're going to throw up or crap yourself in front of others.

Hold it in. Hold it in. HOLD IT IN.

Phew. 

Funny, phew and PU or pew, as in an exclamation that something stinks is so similar. 

You smell bad! Go home! 

Phoebe was right. It's not your fault smelly cat. It's not your fault. What are they feeding you?

WHO KNEW THERE WAS SUCH WISDOM IN THAT? OH MY GOD.

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

How do I make a story come to life? I kill it, and I revive it. I don't mean to kill it, it just doesn't get my attention because other things do. 

Ok, so the setting of my story makes my story. There's this house that used to be here, down a very lonely road. I've never seen a piece of property like this. It's so peaceful, on the river or ocean, whatever it is, water. 

I'm thrilled with the realization that I can kill the story I thought was real and revive it, the story of my life or whatever shit I think that comprises in the moment. But I'm disappointed that I can do with my novel. Silly, what did I expect? I'd be in big trouble if I couldn't step out of my own creativity, wouldn't I?

God, are you laughing at me? Oh right, I'm imagining that. I can't see your face and live, just like my own. The author of your face jokes and I ask if you're laughing at me. Sigh.... Of course you are.

Anyway, I'm really sort of beating up on myself that I'm not in the zone, totally writing this book. It's come so far in the past couple months but I feel like I have to get away from everything else to write on it, and I experience such up and downs. 

Remote learning, JESUS CHRIST. 

Kids are another example. I so wanted/want them, I so love them, but HOLY OL FUCK, sometimes I think this was all a really bad idea. I think we 

5 minutes later after dealing with a tantrum and kid sent to her room. 

There's a nihilistic perspective that life in general was a bad idea. It was a bad idea to be born, life is suffering, etc. I think with the subject of parenthood this misinterpretation still has some stick to it. It's like when someone spills something sticky on the floor and you mop the floor but your feet still stick and you have to go back over it again. See, I wouldn't have that analogy if I hadn't had kids. 

Last night was one of those sleeps where I was thinking these amazing insightful (seeming things) and I thought about the scarecrow I wanted to put up and how it would be hard not to build it and not put it on a cross like frame, and how it might accidently look like Jesus on the cross. And I thought of the wizard of oz and the scarecrow and the lion and the tin man. And this song again.  

Ok, this article brought it back, what today seemed like a stretch really isn't. They are to scare. https://modernfarmer.com/2014/05/scarecrow-history-effigy/ Our body identification.

Alright. So ever since the incident with the man in the town office, I've been avoiding this subject. Organ donation always creeped me out. https://www.amazon.com/Change-Heart-Claire-Sylvia/dp/0446604690/ref=sr_1_3?crid=29USNM57Q5ZEN&dchild=1&keywords=a+change+of+heart+claire+sylvia&qid=1633131353&sprefix=a+change+of+heart+claire+%2Caps%2C183&sr=8-3

Close to home. Jesus Christ! Why is it always so close to home?

Your book.

Source. You brought me right round. 

Jesus Christ. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/my-heart-belongs-to-tim-1257635.html

https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna23984857

Do you realize how FUCKING CREATIVE YOU ARE?

Who are you talking to? Of course, there is no death. 

Shit. 

"How do I make a story come to life? I kill it, and I revive it. I don't mean to kill it, it just doesn't get my attention because other things do. "

I am creepy. I am creepier and more nonsensical than Salad Fingers, creepier than anything. I am the author of creepy. 

Creep From c. 1300 as "move secretly or to evade detection,"

[mandyjw]

I walked down where the setting of my book is for details, specifics and inspiration. I had to have my husband drop me off and pick me up, so I was left down there alone. Then he took too long to get me, so it was like get into the vortex, reeeally in the vortex then drag out of it slowly when you realize it's getting dark and you're at the end of the earth. It's so quiet down there. It really is crazy how we see the world. I'd like to credit places and people for my happiness, for magic, for wonder. I'm still just shaking that lie away. I'd like to strip it off, effortlessly, sexily, but instead I'm hoping along on one foot awkwardly, trying to pull the last sock off the other foot without falling over, and it's stuck. Where do these analogies come from? ? I cannot believe that I believed it so long. Oh right. I didn't.

Lie ability.  You're such a liability. I'm a liability. 

liable (adj.)

mid-15c., "bound or obliged by law," probably from Anglo-French *liable, from Old French lier "to bind, tie up, fasten, tether; bind by obligation" (12c.), from Latin ligare "to bind, to tie" (from PIE root *leig- "to tie, bind"). With -able. Perhaps from an unattested word in Old French or Medieval Latin. General sense of "exposed to" (something undesirable) is from 1590s.

Ok. I feel disillusioned. I came to this stripper show... wait I AM the stripper. And no one is watching. 

Before I went into the town office and had the interaction with the man, I drove by his house and he had put a flag cover design on his mailbox. It struck me and made me feel a certain nostalgia or something. Then, the interaction. I didn't make the connection until after. Last night, the looking into organ transplants and investigating the body identification through that, that his conversation about his son brought up. I remember when I first got my license I was so creeped out by organ donation I checked the box "no". Then I felt so awful about it, I changed it when I got married. My mom said not to worry, if I got in an accident, it's really too rural here for them to save my organs anyway.  That actually made me feel better. JESUS CHRIST, how fucked up is the mind? It's hysterical. 

No one can talk about cellular memory and organ transplant because of the liability. And donation really is a beautiful thing. But it takes transcending body and mind identification to grok what's actually occurring. And anyway, it isn't. This is Source, I'll build you up, up and up and up, tower of Babble style, till you're on the edge of your seat in fascinated horror, then I'll bring you back down, so far down you fall out of your chair and roll on the floor in laughter. 

It really is like there's no point at which we die, and we are not the body or personality and yet, that's all we were as separate beings. My cousin put this (tasteless) photo thing on Facebook and it merges the collection of photos as it flips them, so the face you focus on morphs into the next. So I watched her face morph into her daughters which isn't much a stretch. Then it morphs into my dead Grandmother which is like (oh HOLY FUCK) and then it morphs back into her daughter, and then into her boyfriend (who creeps me out). It's a trip. At no point does one person really become another. 

At no point does one person really become.

How have I made $830 in the last 7 days and I haven't done a fuck sakes thing? Oh right, I don't get paid when I work, I get paid God knows when. 

At no point does a person really become. 

Ugh. I'm not happy with any of my music tonight, what gives? 

What gives? 

horror (n.)

early 14c., "feeling of disgust;" late 14c., "emotion of horror or dread," also "thing which excites horror," from Old French horror (12c., Modern French horreur) and directly from Latin horror "dread, veneration, religious awe," a figurative use, literally "a shaking, trembling (as with cold or fear), shudder, chill," from horrere "to bristle with fear, shudder," from PIE root *ghers- "to bristle" (source also of Sanskrit harsate "bristles," Avestan zarshayamna- "ruffling one's feathers," Latin eris (genitive) "hedgehog," Welsh garw "rough").

Also formerly in English "a shivering," especially as a symptom of disease or in reaction to a sour or bitter taste (1530s); "erection of the hairs on the skin" (1650s); "a ruffling as of water surface" (1630s).