It's All Write

[mandyjw]

@Zigzag Idiot

❤?

 

[mandyjw]

 

 

[mandyjw]

Why do I do things I don't want to be doing?

Why do I read things I don't want to be reading?

Why do I think things I don't want to be thinking? 

Why do I?

Don't ask why, ask how. 

do

I?

I want more peace and mind and greater clarity. I DEMAND IT! It is my birthright. 

Greater? Implying right now isn't enough?

Yes, I've been reading about covid, annoyed with my kids and not motivated enough. 

Oh really? I thought we were journaling. 

Well yes. 

What are you worried about having happen? 

School not start, and get canceled. Because then I won't be able to get focused work in, and I'll feel crappy.

Like right now?

Exactly! 

Oh, you powerful creator, you. 

Yes, very often I have my head up my ass, strange loop fashion. When life goes to shit, it's a matter of perspective. Ok, so inlaws not coming to the house, probably. So I don't have to clean. I do need to charge the phone before I leave, so 2% power, nice! Super pissed that I got the wrong size shoes for both kids, like how did that happen? 

If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.

I don't know if I love you or hate you. 

If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. 

Oh come on! Can't this just be an unfortunate stupid event? Does everything have be transmuted to gold? 

If the shoe doesn't fit you can't wear it. 

Why? Every time? All that glitters is gold. 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Hrrrmph discontentment. 

Really? 

No, I don't know what the fucks going on anymore. I know all of this is perspective, it's not really happening. But if I I tell myself that, I gaslight myself, and I feel the dissonance. I feel like something is chasing me, or I feel like I've been running from something, this deep unsettled feeling that I really don't know, (I wrote know initially) that I KNOW that I feel deeply unsettled and can't get a grasp on life. Like Jim Newman says, "Nobody knows that". How fucking SIMPLE, how fucking STUPID!

I think I've been running from something really wonderful. All signs point to this. 

One of the things I accidently got right was to find my own stupidity funny. I didn't realize this was prior to intelligence. 

[mandyjw]

I know all the secrets of the universe. I have uncovered some pretty big fuckin' things. The illuminati is a cosmic joke. I know all. 

You sound like Charles Manson. 

Thanks, I am creeping myself out right now. Here we go, down the creepy spiral. I've done this how many times now? Is this three? Sometimes you just KEEP coming back to that carnival ride till you puke your guts up. 

Jesus Christ, that's a creepy song in context that Manson wrote it. And it's the fuckin' BEACH BOYS! Ooooooohhh.... It's the flip side of narcissism, messiah complex. It's pure, raw fear, and its... 

You cannot have fear without demonization. You can't "do" fear without bad or bad without fear. 

13 hours ago, mandyjw said:

One of the things I accidently got right was to find my own stupidity funny. I didn't realize this was prior to intelligence. 

Charles Manson said something just like that. 

Talk about death of the fantasy that I was good. Nothing works like this author analogy. Good is good and bad is bad again, but you see how you are creating it and ultimately it's not there. The bad guy isn't good, but he is your creation. Your moralization comes from fear, I must control the bad, to be safe. Bad is what makes me feel unsafe. Which is why the 50 Shades of Grey, and Vampire romances, is not just a turn on for women, it's healing. All turn ons are healing. Manson offered healing to those women but if you turn someone into a Vampire, without telling them vampires aren't actually fuckin real, that's probably because you still think you're real. special. 

Ok, ok. Going back to the flawed perspective I started with, new variant this time. 

So here are all these heroin addictions. My entire coming to the forum and the disgust with drugs, I mean, I thought I had rid myself of judgement but it was still there.

 

You can't think yourself to be free of judgement. That's a judgement. 

 

[mandyjw]

Forum text is glitching out, so hopefully a new entry works. The fuckery is right there in the thought. Right there. Like right, there.

There is no there. 

And THAT is the fuckery!

Write there. 

There. <----- THAT is the fuckery. 

Wow. I see why you're in such a good mood all the time. I got a birds eye view from rock bottom. I scares me how much fun it is to write out conversations, with MYSELF! This is crazy.

A bird's eye view from rock bottom. Rock bottom was a judgement that keeps you going higher, and higher, and higher. 

Ok, write. That's what I wanted to talk about. Wait no, something else first. I've always been shitting on my right brain. Embarrassed of it.

Your write brain? Do you have a left and a write? Which side of the brain points and says, "that's not me, that's the other me". 

Ironic for YOU to ask me that. 

No, not really. 

Ok, so higher. There's an opioid crisis. People are dying to get high. No one knows how to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with this, but at the same time, I really, really do. I don't know how to disentangle responsibility with love. 

That sounds like a write brain, left brain problem. 

Yeah, we just established that it's not a problem, it's me and me. 

[mandyjw]

Driver Ed teacher when I was 15,  Old, overweight, retired cop wheezing all the time. "Make a left here." I make a right. He slams on the brake. "DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR LEFT FROM YOUR RIGHT?!"

Me, ten steps ahead of him in doubting myself and always completely willing to admit to my total idiocy. "No, not really." 

He just didn't know what to do with that. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I keep falling on this slippery slope of knowing that I know that I don't know. I mean this honestly, but I also laugh. As soon as I write out what I'm feeling, it becomes hilarious. And enough to make me cry. 

Childlike not knowing is honestly not knowing. There isn't any doubt in it or sense of knowledge that has to be lost or unlearned, unwound, let go of. You don't know what you don't know. 

Can you have your cake and eat it too? Can you have the wisdom of experience and also pure innocence? 

Of course.

Another stunner from Nissargadatta I read this morning, in my own words, you think that Stonehenge was there before you, but you had to be there prior to it for it to even be. 

I've noticed lately how when I feel threatened or inadequate (really hard to explain exactly, but those words sort of fit) I'll reach for something, like if it's in meditation and I believe a thought, I'll move or shift, and if it's something I read or reacted to on the forum, I'll go to check something or reach for something to eat.

I also think the major mistake would be to judge this as bad, and say I have to stay. I'm reaching for feeling better, but I'm not seeing that what triggered me didn't make me feel bad, that I misinterpreted something somehow. I'm not a dog sitting still waiting for a treat at the end of his sentence. I'm not a kid in the famous marshmallow experiment who can be judged as having good self control or bad. I don't need to fucking stay. I don't need two fuckin marshmallows for being good. I can't leave even if I do. This is the real staying. 

There' ain't no fuckin heaven and even if there was I wouldn't want to go there anyway, cause it wouldn't be any better than this. 

 

[mandyjw]

It's so slow. When you think you know what's going on, you're always way behind. Watch how fast everything happens...how it is. So fast, it doesn't. 

Mind is like people talking during a movie about the movie. If you try to process it and figure it all out while it's going on you only get more lost. 

Oh. Is that what I'm doing? 

Maybe the movie is about people talking about a movie while the movie is going on. 

Oh right. Can't fuck it up.

 

[mandyjw]

Oh HOLY SHIT.  Crime is an extreme of trying to take action and force into place what one wants. I can't have what I want, so I will take it, force it, make it happen, kill it. Crimes have motives. It's a total misunderstanding of the law of attraction. 

[mandyjw]

Kids are in school so I'm taking half the month off from extraneous internet to hopefully get ahead on some projects. 

[mandyjw]

Oh journal, sweet journal. It's like getting home from a vacation and all the old familiarity looks so new again. The smells, the comfort of your own bed... Ahh... 

You cut the vacation short. 

Shut up, there's no time!

Uh huh.

Fuck practices. I want positive motivation. 

Motivation is not positive. 

I want inspiration.

There you go. 

I want to eat that bag of chocolate chips right now. 

Is that inspiration? 

No.

Is it motivation?

No. It's trying to make myself feel better. 

Well you can't make the jump to inspiration, but you can feel better. Why would you choose something that doesn't make you feel better, and could make you feel worse, but will probably leave you right where you are?

Because I have low expectations for myself. I have low standards.

You don't really, you have incredibly high, high, HIGH standards for how you want to feel. And so the dissonance between this and how you notice you feel is actually the creation of the thoughts that perpetuate dissatisfied feeling itself. There's no place low on the emotional scale you could be. You are not a thing, not a particle that jumps around. You're always beyond high or low. 

Ok, so what can I let go of? The resistance to the stomach pain. The resistance to low energy. The resistance to calling that appliance guy for the third time, that I imagine thinks I'm a total PITA by now. I love you burnt out appliance man. I will totally make your day. I can let go of the resistance to journaling, the idea that I should have my shit together. That just triggered something, my message therapist telling me she's moving, selling everything, she kept saying getting her shit together. I can't get my shit together to get rid of it. Expansion, none of this shit ever comes together. You're always just perpetually, anyway, already, letting go of it. 

 

[mandyjw]

I misspelled massage as message. Sigh... I think it honestly does not matter what someone shares or what they don't, Ok, something I've been wondering about... I assume that I have low self esteem. I was raised by people who have low self esteem, 

Bullshit. 

Yeah I know. They're always both, always arrogant, always a back and forth. But what I want to know is how appropriate it is to appreciate yourself.

You're always appreciating yourself, whenever you're appreciating.  

So there isn't anything WRONG with appreciating myself? There isn't anything evil about it? 

If there was a self there would be things off limits that are wrong to and for the self. 

So the need to have others appreciate me, does that come from resistance to appreciating myself because I think it's wrong, or inaccurate? Something came to me. 

I wrote, "If you have thought patterns that are constantly berating yourself for not being good enough, nice enough, etc, a relationship with someone who is mean to you can seem for a short time like beautiful sweet freedom from this because we don't have to do it to ourselves any longer, we've outsourced it. "

Ok, so it's letting go of the berating thoughts. So if I appreciate myself and that happens I could just fucking leave it at that. I wouldn't have to berate myself for it later. 

berate (v.)

"to scold vehemently," 1540s, from be- "thoroughly" + Middle English rate "to scold"

I could just leave it at be--- before I get to the rate. How do I rate? 

You don't. 

Oh. Right. 

[mandyjw]

LOVE ME, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! YOU AREN'T LOVING ME ENOUGH. I'm so fucking special. Can't you see? There's never been anyone like me. 

Sometimes I think I'd sell my soul to be loved. I'd pretend I don't have these ridiculous outbursts. I'd bottle them, up, keep them hidden, not just laugh about it. I mean, they think that the comic strips with Hobbes edited out are sad, but think about the strips with Calvin edited out? That would be even sadder.

Neither Calvin or Hobbes actually exists. No one thinks that's sad.

Geez, that's wise. But sometimes I feel like Michael feels about Toby towards you. 

How sad would The Office be with no Michael? 

Jesus Christ! It would be fucking pathetic. The pathetic character MAKES the show good. How fucking beautifully, ironically hilarious.

 

 

[mandyjw]

Woah. Woah. Woah. People sit laughing at this scene not realizing THEY are the patients. We know they are actors, it's a show but then we think there's this thing called reality outside it. 

It's for you. FOR YOU. I did not make the perpetually annoyed appliance salesman's day. He is still grumpy but he made MY day. Maytags are falling from the sky. Oh... Stewart.

It's funny when you're conscious of how you're doing it. Projecting on Stewart, wanting an appliance salesman's love. 

So what I really want is to not be like Michael. I'd like to be an effective manager. No. I'd rather be the script writer for The Office. 

You're already doing that. 

 You always lead me straight to plagiarism. You encourage plagiarism. What gives?

Plagiarism is only possible because of the belief that there are others who are better than you, who achieved before and that copying them will give you what you want because there is some sort of formula that they got right. There's no surer way to lose the game by the default of not enjoying it than to believe in others who are better than you, who come before you. It's FOR YOU. 

So productivity or rather, doing what I want to do, wanting/allowing love, and creativity, all the same fucking thing. 

Yes, but not a thing. Things are what are different form other things. What makes a difference is not a thing. For you. Not a thing. 

What a wild ride. I just read this thing on Facebook about screaming behind the laundromat and then someone said "it's a daycare now" and that was fucking hilarious. But then I read, it was in the middle of the night, and it was some kind of animal and I remembered that time I heard screaming in the middle of the night. I mean, it's hilarious one moment, and then we're back to serious.

Is it really back to serious? What did you interject right before it got serious again?

A personal memory of something frightening. I. I don't like letting go of the punch line. I don't like people laughing when it's no appropriate. What's an appropriate duration to laugh? Can it be funny all the time?  Should I call Stewart back and order a fridge too? Right on his lunch break? You see, I'm aware of my infinite nature, and I will perpetually cause problems and want things. There's no getting rid of me. Poor Stewart. 

?‍♀️

Oh! Oh! It's OK that I'm never satisfied. I don't WANT to be satisfied! I do but not forever. Oh Stewart, you got me a stainless tub dishwasher, you pulled it out of thin air, but I want a fridge that doesn't freeze my fucking cucumbers now. And it's ok. It's ok. Only I know how badly I need to have reliably FIRM cucumbers. Just FOR my PLEASURE! For my SATISFACTION! 

 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Ah!!!

I think I perpetually stopped appreciating, which comes naturally to me, because I thought I was stupid or not striving enough to do so. I mixed up what I want and what I like with what others wanted or liked. It strikes me that the belief that happiness is found in objects, people, circumstances ACTUALLY PREVENTS THAT FROM BEING THE CASE.  I was not expecting to end that sentence that way. 

[mandyjw]

I'd like to make myself into a problem. 

problem (n.)

late 14c., probleme, "a difficult question proposed for discussion or solution; a riddle; a scientific topic for investigation," from Old French problème (14c.) and directly from Latin problema, from Greek problēma "a task, that which is proposed, a question;" also "anything projecting, headland, promontory; fence, barrier;" also "a problem in geometry," literally "thing put forward," from proballein "propose," from pro "forward" (from PIE root *per- (1) "forward") + ballein "to throw" (from PIE root *gwele- "to throw, reach").

I'm hurtling through space they say, but since the earth is going with me I don't even notice. A problem is something we throw out. Was I thrown out? Am I a piece of garbage?

"It's better to be the trash than the maggots." That was an early piece of wisdom I was given. Turns out you're both. The earth is the trash and we're the maggots, hurting through space, we're all being thrown out.  But since we come right round to where we started, we don't go anywhere. 

I'd like to be poetic, but my creative streak seems to be a bit more vulgar and immature at times. Oh well.

As I was saying, I'm a problem and a piece of trash, an offering, a holy sacrifice. Nothing is lost. No one cares. I couldn't have set this up better if I had been there before in order to set it up. Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I painted the stage scenery, or maybe I'm doing it on the fly. Maggots turn to flies. 

Maybe the entire play is about a girl who is painting the scenery and writing the script. But this is it. This is the final performance, and the rough draft. 

Is there an audience? 

It's just for you. 

I play off their energy. 

It's YOUR energy. 

Yeah. You just tell me these things sometimes. You ghost of the theatre, you. Are you the audience? Maybe you're the only audience I care about. I split myself. Trash and maggots. When you split an atom's center, it becomes atomic.

When I decorate my house, I find something I really love, and I'm like ooo ahhh. And then I get so used to it, I don't notice it anymore. Don't appreciate it as much. It's disposable. So am I. 

disposable (adj.)

1640s, "that may be done without;" see dispose + -able. Sense of "free to be used as the occasion may require, available" is from 1650s. 

I am a thought, and my thoughts are disposable. And this, THIS, oohhhhhhhhh..... THIS is the most beautiful thing I have ever discovered. 

Except for this salt lamp. Really like that thing. 

 

 

Edited September 10, 2021 by mandyjw

[Esilda]

@mandyjw Love your channel darl thank you for sharing your work!  

[mandyjw]

@Esilda ❤?

[Esilda]

@mandyjw Do you meditate?  You have such a peaceful demeanour that I'd like to emulate, like much, much centered than me at least on camera. I've now just started doing Wim Hof and I find that this helps me a lot.