It's All Write

[mandyjw]

The Goddess Mother IS a hamster. 

Devastating. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Teaching is art. It's just that. People think it's so critical to get it right, well no, art is knowing the rules of your craft and then breaking them. A good teacher comes out and teaches you even this, just like my art teacher taught me this when I was 14, "I'm teaching you the rules, now you connect with it, deeply, intuitively for yourself and break them." It was the only class that was almost entirely made out of firsthand experience, just creating on your own within some guidelines. Those guidelines gave you the confidence and permission to experience exploration, to create. When the guidelines stopped being freeing and enabling for the creator, they could be dropped. When you're 5, having a step stool to reach the sink, brush your teeth and wash your hands is enabling and liberating. When you're 10, it's a pain in the ass thing you'd trip over. If my art teacher had said "there are no rules, there's nothing I'm asking you to do or explore" we would have just sat and talked through the entire class. 

 

"People think", opps. 

 

Edited August 11, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

You'd think a blank canvas would be the most terrifying thing, but no, it's when you make the first outlines, knowing they might be moved later, when you're not really sure of where it's going, when you have so little tangible to back you up, and yet have to rely on your vision and inspiration fully. It hasn't become anything yet. The doubt of your own action. 

You'd think. 

[mandyjw]

My God, he's such a delightful disappointment.

[mandyjw]

I just got an order with a note that said "It's exactly what I didn't know I was looking for." I've heard that before I guess but I loved it. There's something so delicious about finding something wonderful you didn't stop to think or know was even a possibility. You do know how you feel about it though. 

Forgot to post this. 

 

[Myioko]

I just wanted to say, that I've known of your journal for weeks now, and it was just this week that I realized that your title was 'It's All Write' as a word play, and not 'It's All I Write.' My brain made up the 'I' for so long! Ahhh! 

@mandyjw

On 8/10/2021 at 7:13 AM, mandyjw said:

Oh fuck you August. My favorite month. You stir my heart strings like nothing else. You're like the pinnacle of ecstasy and also the beginning of death. Harvest. 

That felt pretty poetic right there. August, the last dying breath of summer...soon leaves will fall with a heavy sigh.

I should give August more appreciation, I used to say it was my least favorite month, but really that is February for me. 

18 hours ago, mandyjw said:

You'd think a blank canvas would be the most terrifying thing, but no, it's when you make the first outlines, knowing they might be moved later, when you're not really sure of where it's going, when you have so little tangible to back you up, and yet have to rely on your vision and inspiration fully. It hasn't become anything yet. The doubt of your own action

Right?! For me, after the burst of inspiration wears off (if there is one,) of the initial brainstorm, it's actually starting for real that is scary to me. The doubt comes afterwards in waves. 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Myioko

[mandyjw]

3 hours ago, Myioko said:

I just wanted to say, that I've known of your journal for weeks now, and it was just this week that I realized that your title was 'It's All Write' as a word play, and not 'It's All I Write.' My brain made up the 'I' for so long! Ahhh! 

That's such a funny synchronicity because I want to start a blog and focus on some other writing projects. I've been giving that a lot of thought lately. I'm used to letting loose here with no expectations of how things come out or what they mean to anyone. So it is all I write. LOL 

8 hours ago, Myioko said:

I should give August more appreciation, I used to say it was my least favorite month, but really that is February for me. 

November/December are the ones I demonize the worst but I live in a cold climate. By February my cabin fever insanity has run it's course and I'm more happy insane, like the Mad Hatter, and there's usually skating or skiing and more daylight hours. I should find some more appreciation for the dark time of year. Last year I found Mister God, This is Anna in a free book box in December, (which will be one of my all time favorite books) and there was a section appreciating, glorifying darkness, it was amazing. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Yesterday I had an OCD flare up. I should not use this label, because I have already awakened to the fact that my lifelong OCD is actually some sort of deep intuition. It's just the right amount of weird. But honestly, sometimes it fucks with me. I had very limited time, was stressed and getting groceries. I saw this coffee drink at the grocery store and had an impulse to buy it. It made no sense, it's far more caffeine than I can handle. I used my intelligence over intuition and didn't get it. I couldn't let it go. The obsession grew stronger and stronger. I did a good job of opening to it rather than suffering by it. I gave in and actually drove back 35 minutes to the store that night and bought this stupid $3 over caffeinated drink. I had given in to my time shortageness and just utterly said "fuck it." The whole drive there was full of strange synchronicity, like in a dream. Me and the kids had an incredibly fun time, I bought some new, weird random foods because we were out there for really, no good reason, I had JUST gotten all the groceries. It was like an exotic vacation, in the same stupid grocery store I've been going to since I was a kid. 

We went into Walmart and my daughter was going "Beep beep, beep beep!" and the cart guy honked this super loud horn to entertain her, my daughter loved it and it was absolutely hilarious, perfect timing. Earlier that day I had realized that my wireless keyboard I needed to write my book on on the first retreat I've ever done this weekend was not going to arrive. In Walmart, in the same section I had looked before I found a perfect wireless Bluetooth keyboard. 

Now I have this $3 energy drink, "Death Wish" coffee I will likely never drink, but "through" which this whole synchronicity and fun experience came about. 

I guess I could just keep it as a reminder. God works in mysterious ways, ie, Divine Fuckery. 

[mandyjw]

Kinda click baity title, but it fits. 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

It's funny how when you write a story consciously, all the characters merge. Real life characters, characters in the book. The past few days have been unreal. Ok, all the days are unreal. "Reality" is just what we call unconscious storytelling. 

It's funny that the death of the magic, the breaking of the spell, is severed by bad storytelling, and yet also is the very source of the creativity itself. It's not the meaningless death it seems to be. Leave it alone, and let it recharge. Ask the question and let the answer come. 

This deep, unbroken omnipresent, omniscient okayness is a kind of a magic I cannot touch, a magic I cannot control. I love you so deeply, I want you so thoroughly that sometimes it even seems as if were two different things. It's a tragic, tantric love story. No one is ever touched in the ultimate intimacy of it. As the Author of Happily Ever After's, there is no...

Love and resonance, namaste, the light within you recognizes the light within me. Everyone is enlightened, no one is enlightened, paradoxically some know themselves to be light on various levels of understanding, understanding is itself only a certain wavelength of light. That light is our awareness which is not owned as in the material paradigm, and is not separate and never actually becomes two separate things, a me and a you, a me and the world, etc. Becomes clear when you consider the double slit experiment, is light a wave or a particle? it depends on the Observer. It IS the observer. You Are... Light.

 

[mandyjw]

I wrote this in a book I'm writing. 

“So the church is Baptist. Pentecostals believe in speaking in tongues, but people in my parent’s church think this is foolish at best and like opening the door and offering a plate of cheese and crackers to demons at worst. They even seem to judge Pentecostals worse than they do…” she glanced up at him momentarily, “atheists. It doesn’t matter what you do, the harder you try to make yourself like them, the more they only notice the differences.” Tears welled in her eyes. 

It continues to dawn on me time and time again that I am not free of religion. I see the same patterns play out with nonduality, and enlightenment, whatever labels you want to put it on the woke, open-minded. 

It's relative.

Ah. Relative. This is why we hate our relatives. The people the most like us, somehow make the differences sharply contrasted. Relative. It's within me. That's the real realization. Nothing pisses me off worse than a teacher who teaches this stuff, who knows this stuff, but who does it not quite the way I would. It seems like the worst, most devilish sin. Just throw the door open and invite them demon relatives in. 

That is the entire theme of the book. The House with no Door. 

Yeah, I know. Are you laughing? I'm laughing. 

We're always laughing. 

Who knew demons were such fun? OH! This is why there are all those people who love animals and hate people. People are too close to home. 

When the whole place is your home, nothing can ever be too close to home. 

Someone should tell all those animal lovers that they aren't human, so they don't need to stop resisting being human by idolizing animals. 

"Jesus said, "Lucky is the lion that the human will eat, so that the lion becomes human. And foul is the human that the lion will eat, and the lion still will become human."" Gospel of Thomas

 

[mandyjw]

I always knew, didn't quite know, that I don't know. I knew how flighty, how flakey and shaky my knowledge of how things are or should be, or what is best really was. For a time, I thought this insecurity could be solved by finding people who did KNOW. I found people who knew. That wasn't it. Then I found people who knew. They said there's no one who knows. What was old is knew again. 

"I swear I didn't light this tree on fire" my son playing Minecraft says.

Yesterday I went to my Grandmother's grave. I also went over to the very old cemetery lot where my sister had her own clairvoyant experience. I was along with her for the craziest part and I couldn't refute it, couldn't deny it. But I never believed she saw a ghost. Relatives. Oh, that's funny. 

Anyway, there was a fire right by this place recently, someone must has tossed a cigarette. It burned a lot of trees. One of the stones got discolored pretty bad. It was a baby's grave, she died at 12 days old or something like that. I never noticed that this family's plot had a baby's grave before. Carved into it was a saying, something like, everything has a purpose under heaven. 

Oh, purpose has a double meaning, purpose, and purpose, I purpose an idea.

All that is old is made knew again. 

Am I writing real life, or a novel?

Novel means knew... I mean new. 

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I just got hit by a wave of frustration, thinking maybe venting will give me some clarity. 

*Poof* 

Never mind. 

I've found God! She's a gas... light. She's a STAR! Ok, really though, what's the difference between enlightenment and gaslighting?

Difference? Am I a difference maker? 

Uhmm... yes? But really I'm making all my own drama. So if I'm feeling unsettled, I'm creating that, somehow I'm unsettled by being unsettled.

It is very unsettling to feel unsettled.

I know, right? But also I love that chill up my spine, the knowing that I'm not alone, not apart, that Source, creepy though it seems sometimes has its nose in everything. 

The cabin you stayed at last weekend literally had gas lights. 

That's too funny! I loved them. They were fun to light. I had no idea they existed. Ok, etymology of gaslight. It's came from a stage play, a story. I went to the cabin, to write a story. It was also called "Angel Street" Youtube comment on a recording of it, "Very entertaining. I don't know why they had to change the title. But something amusing I've worked out is Angel Street is an anagram of 'let gas enter'."

Well there's that chill up my spine. Familiar friend. 

You're welcome. 

Wait... how do I know I'm not crazy? It's the woman's own suspicion that she is crazy that prevents her from suspecting what's really going on. I think this is over. I've hit a dramatic wall, I am the creator of drama.

You call yourself insane to show that you're sane, so show that you realize you're insane. 

In the admitting that one is insane they are grasping at the last remnants of sanity. I'm so cornered that there are literally NO CORNERS. I'm FREE. Creative expressions, insane ramblings, NO CORNERS MOTHER FUCKERS!

Yeah, I dunno, what to do with this intense peace that passeth understanding, I mean it even has every changing flavors, it never gets old, you just can't beat that. I don't know how to live with this man. Kinda feeling like I better create some shitty problem right now to ruin it. Ok, here we go. 3, 2, 1. My dog is licking dishes on the counter.

Flavors. 

My son is playing with dirt in a plate to try to find pieces of iron with a magnet. 

Flavors.

I'm a fool in love.

Flavors. 

I just made the most disasterous cake. 

Flavors. 

Winter is coming.

Flavors. 

 

flavor (n.)

c. 1300, "a smell, odor" (usually a pleasing one), from Old French flaor "smell, odor; action of smelling, sense of smell," probably from Vulgar Latin flator "odor," literally "that which blows," in classical Latin "blower," from flare "to blow, puff," from PIE root *bhle- "to blow."

Well that blows! Awww, shit! Reminds me of the candles I blew out wishing for enlightenment when I turned 30. Gaslighting myself. 

Flavors. 

I was done, no more flavors!

Flavors. 

It's a stupid word, it looks stupid. 

Flavors. 

Goddamn it, everything is so fucking perfect, I've even been given the ability to seem to ruin it if I want to. God it would suck if I had to keep everything perfect all the time. How can this possibly BE? It can't be? Oh wait we established that.

We never established that. 

This chill, it makes every hair stand on end, and yet I see the nothing, the hilarity, I see the strings on the puppets, there aren't any. 

This is crazy, there just aren't any problems. 

Crazy?

It is only the centerless center, the Source, that manages to turn a blind eye to nothing. it is only ever the Blind Eye that sees all. 

[mandyjw]

In order to make sense to the reader of the insane ramblings below, I am writing a novel. One of the key characters was dead and flat, and recently I received an inspiration to base him after a real life Pastor that I never met. Questioned my dad endlessly about him, but still wasn't quite envisioning. I found a recorded sermon and had to vent some thoughts while listening so here we go.

SARDINES. SARDINES. $1,000,000 SARDINES. SWEET LORD JESUS. SOURCE, my fucking God, I love you Source.

You used to call me God.

Shut the fuck up God, I'm talking. "Faith without works is dead." He's perfect. He's absolutely, stunningly, beautifully perfect. He is me. I see the light, the bad, oh. I needed to bring the character to life, and you brought him to life, and even in the church I wrote in the book! The 70's paneling and all! This is perfect, perfect. Oh, beautiful for spacious blank pages, I will fill thee with blaspheme. 

"When that trial comes, don't let Satan win. When that trial comes, don't lose the reward. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." 

"Without Faith it is impossible to please God. If you get anything else from today get this, Without Faith it is impossible to please God." 

"How did Elijah get to where he was? Because of a woman. Because she scared the life out of him."

FUCKING GOLD, AM IN A DREAM? DID I CREATE THIS?

"Well how did he get out? Once he was in that mess? Well, God found him." 

"Don't let me be a phony Father, I beg you in Christ's name, let it come from the heart." 

JESUS FUCK! He just insulted disabled people, because God didn't make him disabled. "Have you counted your blessings today?"  Comparing myself to disabled people and kids in third world countries helps, I've found. 

Yes, YES, YES. Ooooooh this man is good. God damn. 

*Hurk* Oh God I feel like I need to hurl. Made it through the whole sermon. 

*Deep breath*

I need some explicit Satan worship to wash myself clean again. 

You know he's just another wounded Christian. 

I know.

It's a tragedy. 

A comedy.

A romance.

Since we're all silly little beings, doing silly little things, I'm going to go visit my Apple King. 

[mandyjw]

It was strange, the way in which Pearl stood, looking so steadfastly at them through the dim medium of the forest gloom, herself, meanwhile, all glorified with a ray of sunshine....” ― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Luminous purity born out of lust and shame. 

lust (v.)

c. 1200, "to wish, to desire eagerly," from lust (n.), absorbing or replacing the older verb, Old English lystan (see list (v.4)). In Middle English also "to please, delight." Sense of "to have an intense, especially sexual, desire (for or after)" is first attested 1520s in biblical use. Related: Lusted; lusting.

 Jesus said: If the flesh came into existence because of the spirit, it is a marvel. But if the spirit (came into existence) because of the body, it is a marvel of marvels. But as for me, I wonder at this, how this great wealth made its home in this poverty.

 

[mandyjw]

Ok, so the resistance to the depression caused the depression?

Yes. You never questioned it. You never questioned the continuing factor. You always gave reality to depression in very the resistance of it. 

So my hatred, dread of winter? Is this the same?

Future, current, past. 

I is the continuum. So I am free to have preferences for the past and future. I think I didn't know that I could rest, I thought I had no where to rest, I didn't realize that I could rest everywhere because I am no where. 

You are a veritable ghost. A free pass. 

Ok, what about other people? What about the two specific teachers I'm thinking of right now that have been so disappointing?

If you can't give them a free pass, you aren't giving yourself a free pass, to create what you came to create. If you want to liberate, be liberated. Let he who is without sin be the first to throw a stone. 

Sin is sincere, according to Marilyn Manson. How right he is. So how do I know I'm ready to coach others?

When you realize what you have to offer. 

Nothing? 

Nothing is the only "thing" that lasts forever. 

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."-Jesus  Reminds me of the Gas Light, screen play. 

If you know where your true treasure lies, no one can cause you to doubt yourself in an attempt to steal it from you. In your forgetting, you doubt yourself, you steal from yourself. 

Is it ok...? If this takes time to sink in? It's a lot. I've given you everything, I've given my life to you, even when I thought I was being selfish. I realize, I know it's like that ring I left on Dr. P's grave for the crows. It's like the perfume spilled for Jesus. There is no greater joy in a senseless offering, no greater love or beauty. I am a senseless offering. To love, from love, for love, worthy of love. 

That's what he became as well. On the cross, blood shed for all, they were right the entire time, Jesus died for you. The salvation was never a lie. The Good news was always True. The only lies were the parts that felt off. The guilt, the shame, the sacrifice, that anything was required for you. 

Why do I keep coming back here, to Him? 

He is the upmost of what you aspired to be. To speak, to teach, to heal, to liberate without fear, with utter disregard to the consequence. Jesus on the cross, the ring on the poison nightshade plant, your very life. It means nothing, it means nothing so perfectly, so consciously, so out Love, that is is the utter sacrifice/gift that is everything. 

Damn. I feel like my soul was just cleansed or something. 

Yeah, that's how it works, without the "damn" part. 

It just struck me that sacrifice and indulgence are the same. 

indulgence (n.)

mid-14c., in the Church sense, "a freeing from temporal punishment for sin, remission from punishment for sin that remains due after absolution," from Old French indulgence or directly from Latin indulgentia "complaisance, a yielding; fondness, tenderness, affection; remission," from indulgentem (nominative indulgens) "indulgent, kind, tender, fond," present participle of indulgere "be kind; yield, concede, be complaisant; give oneself up to, be addicted," a word of uncertain origin. It is evidently a compound, and the second element appears to be from PIE root *dlegh- "to engage oneself, be or become fixed." The first element could be in- "in" for a sense of "let someone be engaged" in something, or in- "not" for a total sense of "not be hard toward" someone.https://www.etymonline.com/word/indulgence

sacrifice (n.)

late 13c., "offering of something (especially a life) to a deity as an act of propitiation or homage;" mid-14c., "that which is offered in sacrifice," from Old French sacrifise "sacrifice, offering" (12c.), from Latin sacrificium, from sacrificus "performing priestly functions or sacrifices," from sacra "sacred rites" (properly neuter plural of sacer "sacred;" see sacred) + combining form of facere "to make, to do" (from PIE root *dhe- "to set, put").

Yes, yes, YES< YES< YES!!!!

[mandyjw]

Fighting with myself this morning, feeling unfocused. If I give myself an actual rest, I think maybe I'll do better rather than resisting the rest. I know what I need but I don't want to do it. I accidently monogrammed the wrong thing. I can get so focused on my business that I get that plate spinning so fast, I'm wowed and then the thing falls, crashes and breaks. I'm so fucking bored with it. I used it as a means of securing extra wealth and knowing what I should be doing with my time. I had fear based motivation and security I found in it. Now I'm free of that. Complaining about my blessedness. 

I'm so frustrated with this forum sometimes. People are so averse to fucking off, that they literally do nothing but. If you will be honest, if you will be playful, if you really sit with something and look at it in a new light, there's a kind of synchronicity and understanding that will take you off at the knees. Child's play. Again, complaining about my blessedness.

 

Here's last night's obscene blasphemous ramblings....

God damn. I'm a Christian. I shouldn't have listened to that sermon. This is unacceptable! I walked the Roman's road. I outdid my Daddy and saved all these souls. I sang beautifully in church and I fucked the Preacher after my husband died in a car accident. I flew in to save my own Church on a private jet after the fact, after I confessed that I had fucked the preacher in the lady's prayer group. I went on to preach after the fact. I split the church. I have no shame. I am the great Reverend Jerry Falwell. I rise and I fall well. I am a Pentecostal teenage girl who stood up and channeled in that church... in a man's voice. I am the story that came out and I settled in the fearful imagination of another girl, like the demon she feared it was and I grew and grew until a story burst out. 

Live with Abandon. Damn, that's so perfectly synchronistic. 

Of course Jesus died to sins, he forgave all sins. Wasn't even thinking about it. 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

I applaud your outrageousness and possibly pissing all over the superego. 
You go girl! ??‍♂️