It's All Write

[mandyjw]

I feel sooooo much better. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Hahahaha, I realize there's no self but still maintain there's others. 

I realize that it's impossible to make this make sense to anybody else. 

Annoyed with the projections others make on me, when I'm projecting on them. This is stunning to me. 

"Can I tell you the three words I can remember with six syllables?" My son randomly comes up to ask me, and I'm annoyed cause I'm reading but listen.

incomprehensible, invisibility, invincibility

6 6 6

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Completing the yin yang. @Nahm Dallas Holm. Didn't see that coming. 

 

[mandyjw]

Thought doesn't repress feeling. Thought only represses thought. 

Is this true?

Feeling is the way... "to" clarity, and to realization and this clear thought is repressed when thought is entertained without attention to feeling. Negative emotion is caused because we can NOT repress feeling. Feeling is never repressed. We may ignore it though, and the ignoring causes ignorance. The ignoring is a willingness to suffer, a choosing of suffering, but when you look head on into the feeling, all you get, all you are, is...

Clarity and paradise. 

I wish people knew how inane this all this. Completely fucking inane. 

inane (adj.)

1660s, "empty, void," from Latin inanis or else a back-formation from inanity (q.v.). Sense of "silly, empty-headed" is from 1819. Related: Inanely. Bailey's Dictionary (1731) has inaniloquent "given to empty talk."

You can't know inane though, can you? The knowing of inane, creates the idea that one knows, "inane." 

[mandyjw]

The forbidden illicit love is the man you promised to love and cherish till death do you part. The villain is completely safe and harmless. Boring, even.

villain (n.)

c. 1300 (late 12c. as a surname), "base or low-born rustic," from Anglo-French and Old French vilain "peasant, farmer, commoner, churl, yokel" (12c.), from Medieval Latin villanus "farmhand," from Latin villa "country house, farm" (from PIE root *weik- (1) "clan"). Meaning "character in a novel, play, etc. whose evil motives or actions help drive the plot" is from 1822. https://www.etymonline.com/word/villain

The babes that lived caused far more grief than the babes you lost. 

That's what I feel, some sort of grief, some sort of disillusionment with drama. I'm creating drama over the lack of truth of drama. 

WHAT ALREADY PERFECTION CAN I RUIN TODAY?

[mandyjw]

 Pretty women, d-angerous men, fast cars, lightning storms. 

I'm bored.

Bored.

This is horrific. Me, bored? I cannot get bored. I'm past bored. 

It's mid summer vacation, the loneliest time. I'm not in school anymore. Tell that to my dream self who can't remember the fucking locker combination. 

Wait a second, I don't DO bored, because I do lonely instead.

THAT might be a problem. 

OOOhhh.

Eh whatever, it's not that interesting.

 

[mandyjw]

I've been fantasizing all my life, about what was missing.

I've been fantasizing all my life. 

fantasy (n.)

early 14c., "illusory appearance," from Old French fantaisie, phantasie "vision, imagination" (14c.), from Latin phantasia, from Greek phantasia "power of imagination; appearance, image, perception," from phantazesthai "picture to oneself," from phantos "visible," from phainesthai "appear," in late Greek "to imagine, have visions," related to phaos, phōs "light," phainein "to show, to bring to light" (from PIE root *bha- (1) "to shine").

Sense of "whimsical notion, illusion" is pre-1400, followed by that of "fantastic imagination," which is first attested 1530s. Sense of "day-dream based on desires" is from 1926. In early use in English also fantasie, phantasy, etc. As the name of a fiction genre, by 1948.

I'm having fantom pain. 

Oh... Oh that was inappropriate. I'm not going to point out why that's inappropriate. 

 

I'm incapable of feeling bored. 

"The phantom of the opera is there.... inside your mind. "

I am the mask you wear.

Oh Source. You're so devastatingly funny. And boring AF. 

[mandyjw]

I don't want to watch this movie knowing it's just a show. I don't want to see the strings holding the puppets up. I don't want to go back to covering my eyes and hiding from the screen either.

What's a girl to do? 

THERES NOTHING FOR HER TO DO!

THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM! 

Gone to buy popcorn. brb

 

[mandyjw]

Oh, no. She thinks SHE has to put on the show. But she isn't quite pretty enough to captivate. She isn't quite poised enough, or smart enough. No spiritual enough, not wise enough. And she sure as fuck isn't happy stepping off stage either. No one cares. 

This is so ridiculous. Shameful even. 

Even that story fails to break my miserable cold, unemotional, heart.

I'm bored. 

Searched "steamiest scene in The Notebook."

Nope.

The Nopebook.

Oh Jesus. Sweet holy Jesus. How far downhill can I make this one journal entry go?

Challenge accepted. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

You could just meditate.

BURN THE PATRIARCHY! 

Oh fine, whatever. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Yeah, I can't mediate, cause I have to make supper. Will burn the patriarchy's supper at least. 

What if being a conscious creator is boring as fuck?

What if boring is the dramatization of a neutral state? 

What if it's making a negative unwanted state out of what is not a state? 

Would I rather feel bad than neutral because I think neutral is bad? 

What knows a state cannot itself be a state. 

I sure can write a lot for someone who has writer's block. 

Alright, what's the worst thing I can possibly think of?

Why did your mind go to that? 

That's just how I roll. Blocks don't roll at all. 

Alright what's the best thing I can possibly think of?

HA, it's too good for YOU! Too good for words. I cannot RUIN it with words. 

Oh. Shit. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I CANNOT RUIN IT WITH WORDS> I CANNOT RUIN IT WITH WORDS> I CANNOT RUIN IT WITH WORDS> 

I cannot.

Can't. Not because I CAN. But because.

I can't.

I

[mandyjw]

I don't give a fuck if you're entertained. I'm entertained, You don't have to be. Ok, I lie. I do care. Why'd you come here anyway?

Well, for no reason at all actually. 

That's so FUCKING BORING, where's the drama, the emotion, the park? Spark. Spark. Not park. Where's the destiny? 

That would be death. Like the man "Park's" grave you visited a few days ago. 

Shit.

I'm not sure if I feel like a King in checkmate or Schrodinger's cat. 

Well, neither instance would result in anyone feeling anything. 

Is it totally UNAVOIDABLE, that I cannot avoid anything?

Umm, yes? 

I'm ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS about how not upset at all I am about this. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Oh... the need to entertain is the resistance to boredom, not for others but for myself. "I cannot be boring!" I cannot be bored. 

Wow, what hell I've put myself through.

It's funny but tears come out instead of laughter. 

Looking for meaning where there is none. 

none (pron.)

Middle English non, none, from Old English nan "not one, not any, no person; not the least part," from ne "not" (see no) + an "one" (see one)

None literally means, not one and nonduality.

brb, looking at pictures of cats in top hats. 

 

Edited July 28, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Hmm, I still believe in separate people.

No you don't.

Fuck off, I'm telling all my favorite people to fuck off today, so fuck off. 

Alright, what do I want? I want to write three different books, I don't care in what order. I want the feeling of that tingly chill up my spine when I do, or don't. 

I feel homesick, like I went on a trip, got homesick, came home and the feeling STUCK. I realize that it's some sort of resistance, like I've stuck my feet in the mud and am being dragged along.

No you don't. 

Fuck off! 

Gah! Everything is wonderful. Peachy keen. Sugary, rainbow unicorn, streets paved with candy, make you hurl, bleh. The more I write my disgust the better I feel, what is this? Opposite town? I thought I was supposed to focus on what I want! 

That's because you just said, you want to write. 

Fuck off!

Have you have noticed how beautifully colored the flies that land on shit are? 

Is that what you are, a shit fly? Ok, then, what does that make me? ?

I am an effortless attractor. 

[mandyjw]

What am I even doing? Abraham Hicks words, raw and ragged edge come to mind. I don't even know what she means by that. This has never been done before. Never been thought before. I feel like I have a heroin addiction and it's to the creative vortex. Suck me in, consume me, like a moth to the flame, burn me up. What if it's not even good?

A moth to the flame or a fly to shit? 

I don't care, I see magic everywhere.

That eye opened, and it cannot be closed again.

There's no question. I AM the question. 

If I won the lottery I'd be devastated. Who I am is gone. Maybe in order to get wings you have to burn them off first. You gave me intuition, you showed me that there's no death, you gave me connection I never thought was possible, you showed me what love is, that's not even possible and I'm here complaining about it. Bemoaning it. I'm homesick. I've realized that I've never been home before. I've realized that home will burn me up. This is not a door I can enter, dead or alive. 

There is no door. 

 

That DAMN FLY won't go away. 

[mandyjw]

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO AWAY! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO JUST BE TEENAGE ANGST! 

I was supposed to grow up.

This was supposed to be childishness. This wasn't supposed to be my very core, my very essence, my very life force.

I think it's bullshit. I do. I suspect it's bullshit. 

Uhmm... who is the shit again? 

Fuck off! The shit. I AM the shit. I swear to god, when you sit down to make meaning out of something, it slips right through your fingers. It's like trying to swat this fucking fly. 

Why all the spaces in my writing lately? I think it's because I'm integrating Tolle, (would make more sense if I hadn't deleted the entry about the dream about him, but I'm not leaving THAT on the internet). 

I'm bringing space in.

Uh huh. 

That's it. 

I can't bring space in. That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard in my life. 

 

Source, why you bring up my pain points, why are you the exact opposite of what AH teaches in experience? 

Would anything else REALLY make sense? 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

[mandyjw]