It's All Write

[mandyjw]

You are never alone.

There are powers and presences

who serve you all the time

most faithfully.

You may or may not perceive them,

nevertheless they are real and active.

When you realize that all is in your mind,

and that you are beyond the mind,

that you are truly alone,

then all is you. -Nisargadatta Maharaj

[mandyjw]

Got some sort of strange form or perspective of understanding about the existence of other people, I don't know if I can put it into words but it feels amazing. For some reason one of the huge sources of suffering has been my exertion of so much effort trying to figure out people, are they good, can I trust them? If they loved me once, do they still love me? Was the love really real? Do I actually love them? And I realized that I had already worked through this PAINFULLY with my relationship with my father. There's someone so close to me, someone whose genes I share, someone who had the strongest influence on me, and I came to the relaxation after years of dealing with him and the STARK gut wrenching contrast while he was under the influence of alcohol and under the influence of Source, that there is only influence. Rather, there are not two influences, and no one to be under them but dynamic, alive awareness. 

By insisting that other people are alive in thought and that I can know them in thought with adjectives and nouns, I actually murder them. I turn them into zombies in my own mind.

My daughter said something about a zombie Peppa pig that got me thinking, why are zombies so horrific? (And yet so tantalizingly entertaining) Because they aren't really dead, but they aren't any longer the character that we expect either, instead they are a force that's coming for everything that we think we are. 

I'm haunted by the notion that everyone I love is actually really horrible, and I don't see it out of naivete. 

If I dropped the need to see myself as good, why did I maintain it when it came to others? 

You think you could do one and not the other?

I guess I never did drop the need to see myself as good. 

Let's dissect. "The need." All you are IS "see yourself and Good". The need is born out of the belief that you NOT this. 

The Universe just brought my distracted mind this.  

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker-Miller_pink "Baker-Miller Pink, also known as P-618, Schauss pink, or Drunk-Tank Pink is a tone of pink which has been observed to reduce hostile, violent or aggressive behavior."

Colors effect emotions, of course, one translation of energy, effects the corresponding translation of energy. 

Pink is of course, made fun of by masculine and thought to be only enjoyed by feminine. (This is our story.) The feminine "role" is to reduce hostile, violent or aggressive behavior. Not just for her survival but for the survival or her children and community. And so we do this... 

BOOM. Look at the synchronicity with to OP's avatar. Damn! 

It's not that I don't see myself as good, it's that I don't see myself as safe, or good enough. I depend on men reacting to the "color pink" positively. But I don't know that they always will, and so what I can do is try to know them, see if I can really trust them, see if they have my and the collective "my" best interests at heart. 

And then...

I (psychologically) turn them into Zombies.

Reminds me of Kali, in preventing war, in protecting innocence, she's also bloodthirsty. Law of attraction, what you resist, persists. 

By turning them into zombies, I actually make them something that I have to be extremely vigilant to defend myself from. I can't actually know them, or deem them safe. I have to constantly be on the lookout. It's exhausting! Instead of Awareness, and trusting source, I've traded it in for constant vigilance.  

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! MAD EYE MOODY!

And HE'S the fake, the IMPOSTER! 

OHH!!! Of course. 

What's hilarious is that I forgot that part the second time through the books. Completely fucking FORGOT that Mad Eye Moody was an imposter. It was tantalizing, I got to be surprised, ALL over again.

Oh god, now I'm really laughing at myself. 

Hermione screams out for compassion. 

This video popped up strangely. She uses the same analogy of constant vigilance. When you replace "email" with "thinking" it sort of fits. 

If you mistake constant vigilance for Awareness, it feels awful. Funny how in theory they are SO similar. Sort of like Mad Eye Moody, looks like the real Mad Eye Moody, but is an imposter. 

So the compassionate, feminine stance, and the goal of the color pink is a topic I'm very curious about but don't know if I'm ready to go into. I have a desire for understanding though. What if it's not the masculine I want to embody, but to accept what I already am as enough? 

Yup, that resonates. 

And then, there wouldn't be the need to change anyone else either, if I was already enough. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

48 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

What's hilarious is that I forgot that part the second time through the books. Completely fucking FORGOT that Mad Eye Moody was an imposter. It was tantalizing, I got to be surprised, ALL over again.

Oh god, now I'm really laughing at myself. 

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. "

Or just stop shaming. George Bush got it right.

OOOOHHHHHH. I know what's happened to my mind.

Happened? to? my? mind?

Yeah, I know. I'm intensely aware that I'm making my own meanings, so I can no longer fixate on a specific meaning as much and automatically assume it, but I still feel the absence of the meaning so I automatically obsessively flip through them like a flip book. 

He loves me! He loves me not! 

I don't get it! I can't get it!

I still so love the play of words here. 

I know that the search is futile, but the momentum is still going. 

It's fun when it's a play on words. (Moment-um? by the way) but it's not fun when it's something I have attachments to or seems to really matter. 

There aren't any zombie people Mandy.

Hangs head in sorrow.

I can imagine a little girl in a field ripping the petals off a daisy, searching for an answer as a boy stands there watching her, unknown to her, with a bouquet of daisies, that he now no longer wants to give her. 

How does Source feel about that? 

It's scarier than anything else I can envision, zombies included. What are you saying, I need to say "fuck the law of attraction"?

The law of attraction is the boy. And you aren't the girl. 

Geez, that's a relief. 

[mandyjw]

HE THINKS it's actually the daisies she wants! THAT FUCKING FOOL! He can't see what's happening! He thinks she won't want them, because he actually thinks it's about the daisies!

There are no fools. 

FOOL!!!

So whose fault is it? 

Fault, a rift that is moving.

It's no one's fault. 

The fault is the opening where "what is" and who we think we are falls apart.  

Edited May 1, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

On 4/29/2021 at 0:23 PM, mandyjw said:

For whatever reason this year the daffodils are spectacular. I never planted any of them, the lady who lived in this house before did. And they only get better and better and better. And I don't even do anything to them. This year I did cut back some bushes around them, but I only did this because they looked so beautiful, I thought maybe my action could enhance what already was going well. 

You cannot cloud over this. No matter how hard you try. I fucking love clouds. *Looks outside.* Funny it was really cloudy today, and now it's cloudless.  When I was driving today the sun would go away and as I drove the clouds moved and the sun seemed to move and it was like when I moved the sun did too. The universe played into my narcissism.

That's pretty much all the "external" universe is, a play of your narcissism. 

"Narcissus is a genus of predominantly spring flowering perennial plants of the amaryllis family, Amaryllidaceae. Various common names including daffodil, narcissus and jonquil are used to describe all or some members of the genus. "

My face actually feels flushed from journaling. Strange but cool. 

[mandyjw]

Just now, mandyjw said:

My face actually feels flushed from journaling. Strange but cool. 

Jeeeesus. 

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker-Miller_pink "Baker-Miller Pink, also known as P-618, Schauss pink, or Drunk-Tank Pink is a tone of pink which has been observed to reduce hostile, violent or aggressive behavior."

Colors effect emotions, of course, one translation of energy, effects the corresponding translation of energy. 

Of course! You'd be signaled to back down if someone is exhibiting strong emotion. 

[mandyjw]

Started taking liquid iron, magnesium and a multivitamin every now and then, stopped eating nearly as much meat and found a powdered plant protein I can tolerate, started deep breathing throughout the day, started drinking unpasteurized local raised kefir, Spring is in full force, and I have so much energy, I don't know what exactly to attribute it to. 

Oh... I just remembered, you don't have to attribute stuff. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Oh.... I don't have to be anything for anyone. 

Funny how the implications of realizing you're not a thing aren't implied at all. They're just free.

I watched all these impulses to have to be something come up and saw through them and it was just amazing. 

I don't have to be anything for anyone and I don't have to be anyone for myself. That's what it was all along anyway. 

I wonder if my entire gender identity (when it comes to suffering) was just this. 

I was taught by my mother at a young age that wo-man meant for-man. Woman was created FOR man in the creation story.

On top of this she is the one first seduced by not staying on her side of the line drawn by Father God. 

 

I can't even see through the etymology that this is quite right. Maybe. https://www.etymonline.com/word/woman

The more usual Indo-European word is represented in English by queen/quean. Words for "woman" also double for "wife" in some languages. Some proposed PIE roots for wife include *weip- "to twist, turn, wrap," perhaps with sense of "veiled person" (see vibrate); and more recently *ghwibh-, a proposed root meaning "shame," also "pudenda," but the only examples of it would be the Germanic words and Tocharian (a lost IE language of central Asia) kwipe, kip "female pudenda." https://www.etymonline.com/word/wife?ref=etymonline_crossreference

I was taught that a woman is someone who serves. Her existence is for someone else, not for herself. Also she should live in shame and be ashamed of being a woman. And she should learn to toe the line. If she follows what pleases her all hell breaks loose. 

What's more is that man and God get so very confused. Should I resolve this all by trying to find a man who thinks he's God? 

"We got a whole lot of money but we still pay rent
'Cause you can't buy a house in heaven
There's only three men that I'ma serve my whole life
It's my daddy and Nebraska and Jesus Christ" 

Or who I think is God?

Or maybe this is all just for You.

How did I perpetuate this so long? 

You are perpetuation. 

Can I blame somebody for this? 

You are the creator of cause and effect. The blamed blames. The shamed shames. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Unrequited love has reassembled me
I think it's crazy
And if you said I do, I'll reassemble you, baby
And you're so cool, 'cause you don't think you're cool
You cannot be sad
Because you made my all time favorite music

We could play a beautiful game
We could play a beautiful game
You could chase me down the way
I wanna play a beautiful game
Even though we're gonna lose
But I adore you
(Adore you, I adore you)

 

 

Unrequited love has reassembled me. 

[mandyjw]

Women have better immune responses than men.

"The more robust female immune response is also why women are generally better at fighting off infections such as sepsis, pneumonia and, now, COVID-19. Studies show that men who get COVID-19 are almost three times as likely to require intensive care as women who are infected, and they're also more likely to die.

On the other hand, women are twice as likely as men to have autoimmune diseases such as lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and psoriasis — another consequence of their strong immune response. In those disorders, the body's immune system mistakenly attacks the body and causes inflammation."https://www.aarp.org/health/conditions-treatments/info-2021/women-covid-vaccine-side-effects.html

But they are also more likely to go into over drive.

I was thinking how I see on this forum a lot of people who are considering religion and spirituality for the first time. I did not realize why observing Christians my entire life and deeply studying it was so helpful. I see people falling into traps that I had displayed for me as a kid. When I got into this stuff I thought all that background was mostly a waste. I see through things that don't serve me extremely well, the problem is I'm so adept at this that it's to the point of attacking myself and paralyzing myself. 

I guess we go back here again. 

7 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I was taught that a woman is someone who serves. Her existence is for someone else, not for herself. Also she should live in shame and be ashamed of being a woman. And she should learn to toe the line. If she follows what pleases her all hell breaks loose. 

What's more is that man and God get so very confused. Should I resolve this all by trying to find a man who thinks he's God? 

"We got a whole lot of money but we still pay rent
'Cause you can't buy a house in heaven
There's only three men that I'ma serve my whole life
It's my daddy and Nebraska and Jesus Christ" 

Or who I think is God?

Or maybe this is all just for You.

How did I perpetuate this so long? 

You are perpetuation. 

Can I blame somebody for this? 

You are the creator of cause and effect. The blamed blames. The shamed shames. 

So I lived a whole bunch of contrast, it was very helpful, great. Bye now. Ahem. BYE NOW! 

Oh wait. I'm still living contrast. Cause living is contrast to death, so... Fuck. 

If I don't have to be anything for anybody! I don't have to be anything for anybody! I don't have to be anything for anybody! I don't have to be anything for anybody! I don't have to be anything for anybody! I don't have to be anything for anybody! I don't have to be anything for anybody! 

 

[mandyjw]

Why aren't you better at not reacting? Why are you fueling what you don't want? Why are you adding to the chain of pain? 

You're doing it right now, regretting this concept of yourself as if it's what you really are. 

I feel like I have no one to express anything to anymore. I feel completely cut off and I feel like this ship is going down. 

Ahem. You're not on this ship.

I love this ship! It's so beautiful. Not even God himself could sink this ship. 

Himself?

Ok, yeah God himself is sinking the ship. That's pretty funny.

Ok, so I keep thinking, "you fucktard! You should be working! Not WASTING TIME KICKING AROUND ICE ON THE DECK after we hit that iceburg! You aren't stuck on this ship. You aren't going down with it! You could clean out your car or make money, or do something "important", and these old smacking myself up the head for wasting my time interacting with the world feeling bad. I want to choose something else not out of shaming myself or trying to be something more important or respectful but because I truly WANT something better. 

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. 

People bring in so much contrast. 

Wow, the Titanic is a damn good analogy. We don't care about the people, we don't care about safety, we just want to be this spectacular fast example of the being the biggest, the best, the fastest, in the eyes of people. But the people ON the ship, nope we don't care about them. And, oh it got what what it sought out to be. It was truly, all it claimed to be. The Titanic is truly LEGENDARY. 

I am really thankful for these lessons. 

Why am I STILL watching this from a distance, seeing how WRONG it is?

You're not always doing that. You and the geese are doing your work by not working. No one else has to get this. You don't have to be anything for anybody. 

This DOG is driving me insane! He keeps stealing things and driving me crazy! 

The dog and the Titanic and Captain fucking Ahab aren't the problem, your focus is. 

I think the italicized voice is supposed to sound more refined than this one!

Let's just call it integration. 

I'm not so sure that's it.

Who is the wise one here? 

Captain Ahab is that you? This is really going downhill, you know. Oh!!! Oh!!! The question isn't toned to imply that you're the only wise one, and I'm not, it's asking who is the wise one, like self inquiry. And the answer is, they can't be found. There aren't two of me, one that can find the other. So my surprise that people aren't really that wise and I can't find my God/Jesus/Captain Ahab figure and not be disappointed is my own belief that I have to be someone for somebody, and that there are two of me. So I need somebody to be something for me. Tricky. One neurosis creates the other.

And that's us. Aren't we cute together? 

This could go on forever. 

It already has. 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I WANT someone to play with, to channel with. Play stops the moment you care what other people think. That's when you stop really playing as a kid. THAT'S what I want. Never grew out of this. 

My cousin Danny did though, it was the most shocking transition from being SO much fun to too shy to even speak to me. Turned into a hermit or something.

Now everyone just looks at me like...

Oh God, his name IS Danny. Stephen King, me and you, same wavelength, dude. Except I don't like horror that much. Also, never read any of your books either though, sorry.

Really though once you've transcended the physical, the play is OUT OF THIS WORLD. 

This missing what's already here is the source of my passion, my angst. 

Journaling just puts me in that author place of loving all this drama I'm creating, seeing that really, I'm not creating it at all. 

 

Did you just share a video of a collaboration of someone who doesn't collaborate and does everything herself, who collaborated with some guy and now he is dead? 

It's already a collaboration. The geese, all of it, already collaboration. Stop focusing on how it has to come. 

Collaborating with the dead, Dr.P, the Shining girls, Abraham Hicks, the channeling, spiritualism. Collaborating with nature. Sounds fantastical. Maybe it's just the training wheels for collaborating and living with "real" people. Sounds fantastical. 

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by mandyjw

[Myioko]

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I WANT someone to play with, to channel with. Play stops the moment you care what other people think. That's when you stop really playing as a kid. THAT'S what I want. Never grew out of this. 

Me. To.  I have moments of not caring what others think, I had a lot of social anxiety when I was younger but felt like the world was my playground when I was really young. Play to me feels like being really immersed in something fun in the moment, or having a good laugh or time with friends, but I forget that a lot. 

Do you feel like journaling comes as a natural fun thing for you? I've been thinking about how forced my journaling is, but from what I've read so far your journal has a pretty carefree feel to it. 

(I've never seen the shining btw, now I kinda want to)

 

On 5/1/2021 at 3:53 PM, mandyjw said:

What's hilarious is that I forgot that part the second time through the books. Completely fucking FORGOT that Mad Eye Moody was an imposter. It was tantalizing, I got to be surprised, ALL over again.

Hahaa, gotta love it when that happens when re reading a book! 

With Pride and Prejudice I didn't know Elizabeth got with Darcy for the longest time, because when I watched the movie I felt asleep at the end. Somehow I was surprised when I read the ending of the book for the first time, even though its a no brainer.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Myioko
yeah...the irony that the imposter was the one always yelling out 'constant vigilance!'

[mandyjw]

 

12 minutes ago, Myioko said:

Do you feel like journaling comes as a natural fun thing for you? I've been thinking about how forced my journaling is, but from what I've read so far your journal has a pretty carefree feel to it. 

Yes, definitely. Sometimes I even judge myself for doing it and feel like I shouldn't journal, (generally just when I'm caring about what others think of it and finding it ridiculous, cause it usually is) but it's revitalizing, clarifying, inspiring, an emotional release, and fun, it often just feels like laughing with friends in a way. 

3 hours ago, Myioko said:

Hahaa, gotta love it when that happens when re reading a book!

With Pride and Prejudice I didn't know Elizabeth got with Darcy for the longest time, because when I watched the movie I felt asleep at the end. Somehow I was surprised when I read the ending of the book for the first time, even though its a no brainer.

I love surprises! (usually)  Better to be authentically ignorant and enjoy the unveiling when it's ready than be like a kid who snoops around and tries to act happy on Christmas. 

 

[mandyjw]

OH SHIT.

"For him "the installation of the super-ego can be described as a successful instance of identification with the parental agency," while as development proceeds "the super-ego also takes on the influence of those who have stepped into the place of parents — educators, teachers, people chosen as ideal models"."

"The super-ego aims for perfection.[27] It forms the organized part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious, that includes the individual's ego ideals, spiritual goals, and the psychic agency (commonly called "conscience") that criticizes and prohibits their drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions. "The Super-ego can be thought of as a type of conscience that punishes misbehavior with feelings of guilt. For example, for having extra-marital affairs."[33] Taken in this sense, the super-ego is the precedent for the conceptualization of the inner critic as it appears in contemporary therapies such as IFS.[34]

The super-ego works in contradiction to the id. The super-ego strives to act in a socially appropriate manner, whereas the id just wants instant self-gratification. The super-ego controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt.[35] It helps us fit into society by getting us to act in socially acceptable ways.[24]

The super-ego's demands often oppose the id's, so the ego sometimes has a hard time in reconciling the two.[27]

Freud's theory implies that the super-ego is a symbolic internalisation of the father figure and cultural regulations."

"The terms "id", "ego", and "super-ego" are not Freud's own. They are latinisations by his translator James Strachey. Freud himself wrote of "das Es",[48] "das Ich",[20] and "das Über-Ich"[30]—respectively, "the It", "the I", and "the Over-I" (or "I above"); thus to the German reader, Freud's original terms are more or less self-explanatory." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I guess all that matters is the realization that you're doing it. And doing it. and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it.

And if you feel bad for doing it, you're doing it and doing it and doing it...

Yup.

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

 

Love this introduction. 

I'm stuck in overthinking mode right now about the COVID vaccine. 

Wanting to resolve the pandemic hermit-mode situation, give my kids more experiences and secure my health. I've always felt like it's easier to jump into action than to drop thoughts about whether I should or shouldn't. This (not saying THIS circumstance is a case of that but, the mind pattern) is something I want to be free of more than free of the thoughts about the circumstance. How are you supposed to know whether you should just take some action and "get it over with" or if you need to drop the thoughts about it?

This is essentially the essence of the strange "mental problem" I suffer with. Oh geez that let loose the waterworks. Ever since I was a kid I get these impulses to do things or say things and I never WANT to do them, but I know the only way to feel better is to go through the steps and get them over with. I learned about OCD and I learned to ignore them and turned into a perfectly functioning teenager and adult, but the awakening opened that door again and opened up the realization that I WANT to WANT to follow my intuition. Sometimes they are just monkey mind, but I will think, think, think and not let go so I just want to get it over with. There's no satisfaction in it. 

Do I think life is a problem I want to get over with? Not really? Sort of? On the outside, or materially or whatever, my life is everything I wanted or dreamed. 

There's no satisfaction in it. There's no satisfaction in the cup of coffee or the trying to hold on to the satisfaction. 

I don't know what to do with any of this, I realize I'm hoping that journaling will just sort of flow me into an insight or realization that makes me feel better. I am such an over thinker, I will think and I will think and I will think. I'm jealous of people who naturally don't do this, those idiotic blissful mother fuckers. (I love them, really.) 

This is the original gambling. The original Facebook scrolling. It never ends. It's most just the same old shit, until every once in awhile there's something really enticing. 

I just found this quote Facebook scrolling. (you can laugh) 

"It is very easy to conform to what your society or your parents and teachers tell you. That is a safe and easy way of existing; but that is not living...To live is to find out for yourself what is true. -Jiddu Krishnamurti"

I seem to have this sort of anxiety where I will comply with things I don't want just to get them over with, because I am far less afraid of the people or effects of their agenda than my own over-thinking, than my own thoughts blaming myself for not having done something I should have done. For example the extreme directions I was given in the hospital to prevents SIDS. They were against my own intuition, but I just got enveloped in a cloud of fear. And if you go to far with this, you refuse knowledge that is helpful, it's just the fear with which it's received that it's an issue.

I deeply know and have known my whole life that my thoughts are the most terrifying thing in the world. I totally misinterpret this though. It should be hilarious, empowering and instead, I believe the thought that my thoughts are the most terrifying thing in the world! 

I'm terrified of myself. Now that's an autoimmune condition. 

[mandyjw]

If I do everything right, I won't have to suffer. My kids won't have to suffer. My family won't have to suffer. The world won't have to suffer. It's my fault my son has autism, because I was too angry and stressed out during pregnancy, I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't eat right, I was afraid of getting listeria so I didn't eat enough fresh foods. I didn't co-sleep because I believed all the stuff about SIDS. It never ends. If something bad happens to someone I try to figure out how to prevent it from happening to me. If I learn that trying to prevent bad things creates bad things, my mind still works to fault myself. 

Facebook scrolling. Mom gave birth at 26 weeks, baby is in need to lots of medical care. She is all worried about wasting plastic and destroying the earth. Is that like passing off a worry? Is that what I'm doing right now? Funny last night I dreamed I got the vaccine, and they gave it to me in the muscle above my boob. When they did I had a let down response as if I were breastfeeding and the vaccine ran all out where it was injected. It's like trying to mother the world. It's like trying to be the perfect mother to the world. It's the women who react to the vaccines. The women who make the appointments. The women who try to fix up and clean up and beautify and love and care for the world, to do right, to be right. And there's always, always going to be another task, it's work that's never done.