It's All Write

[mandyjw]

Blue eyes, blonde AND a voice like that? I am God after all. 

Theme of the song nicely resolves the misunderstood consequences of this notion too. 

Edited March 22, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-53950320 

Oh COME ONE! Can't I still fall in love with some famous musician like a 14 year old girl INSTEAD OF it just being some sort of weird nondual impersonal, yet intensely personal thing. My mother was so modest, but she totally had the hots for the weatherman for like a solid decade, I could see it in her eyes, and every time she said his name. It was really just her love of predictability, I KNOW it. 

I'm too fucking smart for my own good. Haha, yeah that's what God said when he decided to scatter all his intelligence all over the place like Humpty Dumpty or the Tower of Babel, except it's all right here and never even left. 

Sigh. 

It's too perfect. It's even more perfect than that, but I wanted it to be LESS PERFECT! I think. 

DAMN IT! 

Edit: Did I just misspell "come on" as come one". JESUS! This is getting creepy. And also quite delightful. You know my dog who is the best dog I ever had and absolutely loves me more than anyone has ever loved me and is delightful and the most handsome thing I've ever seen also has eyebrows JUST LIKE PENNYWISE the clown? 

Oh! Spell, like cast a spell!  Bahahaha. 

I just hope the men in white coats are hot. 

Edited March 22, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Woahh....... Down the rabbit hole we go, hoppity hoppity, ARRRGghhhhhhhh!!!!!

Pure O, a form of OCD, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_obsessional_obsessive_compulsive_disorder

Common intrusive thoughts/obsessions include themes of:

Responsibility: with an excessive concern over someone's well-being marked specifically by guilt over believing they have harmed or might harm someone, either on purpose or inadvertently.[9]

HUGE CHECK MARK. Still dealing with this. Fear of driving and social anxiety related. 

Sexuality: including recurrent doubt over one's sexual orientation (also called HOCD or "homosexual OCD"). People with this theme display a very different set of symptoms than those actually experiencing an actual crisis in sexuality. One major difference is that people who have HOCD report being attracted sexually towards the opposite sex prior to the onset of HOCD, while homosexual people whether in the closet or repressed have always had such same-sex attractions.[10] The question "Am I gay?"[11] takes on a pathological form. Many people with this type of obsession are in healthy and fulfilling romantic relationships, either with members of the opposite sex, or the same sex (in which case their fear would be "Am I straight?").[6][12][13][14][15][16][17]

Not really in that description, repression, other milder forms, mostly healed.

Pedophilia: Sexual themes in OCD can also involve the fear that one is a pedophile. This is typically accompanied by significant distress and fear that one might actually act on pedophilic urges.[18]

No.

Violence: which involves a constant fear of harming oneself or loved ones.[12][19]

No.

Religiosity: manifesting as intrusive thoughts or impulses revolving around blasphemous and sacrilegious themes.[19][20]

HUGE check mark. TOTALLY healed with nonduality and this existential shit. 666 all the way, baby. Also, I still love Jesus. 

Health: including consistent fears of having or contracting a disease (different from hypochondriasis) through seemingly impossible means (for example, touching an object that has just been touched by someone with a disease) or mistrust of a diagnostic test.[19][20]

CHECK Mostly healed. 

Relationship obsessions (ROCD): in which someone in a romantic relationship endlessly tries to ascertain the justification for being or remaining in that relationship. It includes obsessive thoughts to the tune of "How do I know this is real love?", "How do I know he/she is the one?", "Am I attracted enough to this person?", "Am I in love with this person, or is it just lust?", "Does he/she really love me?", and/or obsessive preoccupation with the perceived flaws of the intimate partner.[21][22] The agony of attempting to arrive at certainty leads to an intense and endless cycle of anxiety because it is impossible to arrive at a definite answer.[23] The partner will have seriously troubling thoughts about what their significant other could be doing, especially in the possible and usual form of cheating. Although these thoughts are not triggered by the sufferer, and are indeed spontaneous, the partner will put them self down for thinking in such a way that makes the other look bad.[1] There is uncontrollable constant guilt, fear, and distressing thoughts of what will happen.[21] In most cases, the significant other will become irritated and part ways. This leads to suicidal rumination and regret by the sufferer, even when it wasn't their fault, because the emotions, thoughts, and impulses were not in their control.

Maybe but not how it's described. Some revelation may smack me upside the head from this one, I'm open to that. 

Existential: involving persistent and obsessive questioning of the nature of self, reality, the universe, and/or other philosophical topics.[24]

Oh psychology, this is where you disappoint me. Such a disappointment. Really. Cancel the men in white coats, I don't want them, even if they are really super hot. If I need some excitement in my life while my husband is away, I'm sure I too can find a weatherman (on some channel somewhere, maybe in Arizona, or something, I don't care) that strikes my particular fancy. Or there's always Blippi. 

This existential questioning is how we attempt to heal, and DO heal, but yes, you may call it the last obsession. 

And that's why mental illness is a super power. Healing power sometimes looks like vulnerability, doesn't it? 

(That's Claire from Heroes, by the way.) 

Edited March 22, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

So if you wanted to program someone to see through the matrix of thought, wouldn't you make them so that something was wrong with their thinking process, so they'd have to look back upon it and question it? You don't look under the hood of a car when everything is running perfectly. 

What if you made someone who thinks incredibly fast, powerfully, is a strong thinker, refuses to think what they are told, but of all angels, (angles, Miss Speller) and the nature of thought is like a moth flying into a flame, and thought is the strength and speed of its wings. 

I say... fuck this slow and stop and no thought thing. I ain't interested in the brakes, baby, hit the gas. Just blow the fuckin' motor.

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I decided to test my mother with some covert questioning to see if she was still in love with that particular weather man. YES. It was the most hilarious thing ever, and I never let on that I knew. Come to find out, he's very spiritually inclined and now no longer the weatherman, but the Pastor of a church.

It's always just a passion for God.

 

[mandyjw]

Angel Old English engel, ultimately via ecclesiastical Latin from Greek angelos ‘messenger’;

 

 

Alright, that's enough of THAT energy for tonight.  Not sure where that came from anyway. 

Where does anything come from?

 

[mandyjw]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_obsessional_obsessive_compulsive_disorder "They will understand that these fears are unlikely or even impossible but the anxiety felt will make the obsession seem real and meaningful. While those without primarily obsessional OCD might instinctively respond to bizarre, intrusive thoughts or impulses as insignificant and part of a normal variance in the human mind, someone with Pure-O will respond with profound alarm followed by an intense attempt to neutralize the thought or avoid having the thought again. The person begins to ask themselves constantly, "Am I really capable of something like that?" or "Could that really happen?" or "Is that really me?" (even though they usually realize that their fear is irrational, which causes them further distress)[7] and puts tremendous effort into escaping or resolving the unwanted thought. They then end up in a vicious cycle of mentally searching for reassurance and trying to get a definitive answer.[3][8]"

For someone who is telling themselves to "stop thinking that, I'm bad for thinking that" all their life, certain spiritual teachings or interpretations/interpretations of them are gasoline on the fire. Even if it IS the solution, in experience "stop thinking that" is another thought. They already know fully that they are lost in illusion and that they want to get out. 

The only solution is to pay attention to the guidance of feeling over thought, then any thought can pop up, thought or no thought, all is welcomed. 

Law of attraction, you cannot push against thought, you get more of them. You have to turn the other cheek.

Probably why I find journaling so helpful, it embraces thought, and focuses it. 

Ok, so, I've been hating myself for my thoughts all my life. Thinking I'm bad for having the thoughts, not realizing I am a thought, and that is a thought. 

 

The main way I'm suffering for this now is with social anxiety, and relating to people. I get so concerned I'll hurt someone's feelings and so obsessive in going over what I say afterwards that I avoid some conversations and play roles in others. I can get along in life perfectly fine, but when it comes to conversations I really want to have, sometimes it feels debilitating. It is actually fear of my own thoughts in the future of hating myself for what I said. The fear is a thought, of a thought. It's like getting up in front of a crowd and saying something stupid like orgasm instead of organism, everyone else is perfectly fine, laughs and you probably made their day, but it's the thoughts I think about myself for saying it, that are terrifying and even cause the unfocused state that makes a person mix up words. I know this fully, all too well, but again, "knowing" is the problem. 

"Responsibility: with an excessive concern over someone's well-being marked specifically by guilt over believing they have harmed or might harm someone, either on purpose or inadvertently."

It's actually selfishness.

What Mandy? What have we learned from George Ezra today? "Blame it on Me"

Too tired to think anymore tonight. 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

So this is funny. I got the life dreamed of. This right here, is what I worked my ASS off for, and everything I ever expected, plus. Mortgage free, almost completed house (god, I'd hate it if there weren't any projects left, I love projects). A job I can do but don't have to do, but LOVE. The freedom to appreciate beauty and express it and sell it for money, or just do it for fun. The best dog ever. Told my husband I wanted a blue-eyed boy and brown eyed-girl. I knew this was shallow and stupid and I knew I'd love my kids no matter what. But strangely enough, that's what I got. A brilliantly smart, funny and sweet boy with red hair even, I always loved red heads, never even dreamed I'd have one for a kid. How strange? How amazing. I got my extroverted, right brained, creative, sweet, emotional fire ball daughter, the exact thing I thought would be the perfect balancing last addition to our family. A husband who is sweet and kind, and smart, and I always hated his sheer brilliance with puns until I got enlightened and now I love even that. 

 I wanted to have all these things and then I wanted to be free to enjoy them. And here I am. This is it. 

I never expected the enlightenment thing. I was going in that direction, down that rabbit hole, not knowing where it led, but I never expected that it would be... totally and completely life changing and... everything is the same. Like everything I ever wanted but didn't believe, never dared to dream because it wasn't tangible. I wanted it badly, but as there was nothing to pursue, it feels like it just fell into my lap. The permission to drop all those tensions, all those walls, the hilarity in seeing through them, I couldn't dream up a better life adventure. How fucking lucky could I possibly be? 

The sheer depth everything has is stunning, and yet, when it's too much you can laugh it off as the very creator of depth and dimension itself. 

And at some point, I may have became the typical hedonically adapted lottery winner a year down the road, mad because someone scratched the metaphorical fancy sports car, forgetting my great fortune. Ah, well. It wouldn't be fun if I didn't have the right to be a selfish entitled asshole once in a while. 

I remember, I remember how fucking awesome this all is, and I know know that none of it needs to be secured, it's very essence, it's very desirability is in its sheer freedom. 

Could this get any better? THAT is the beauty of there being no levels. The answer is both YES and NO, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

[mandyjw]

The basis for all change is the fact that you don't actually have a solid identity, our identity is a fragile thing, dependent on circumstances. Our true authentic nature is like a living screen, or a blank canvas, it is all potentiality, and that is the basis for any growth or change. Sometimes an intuition that one is not what they think they are is misinterpreted as "I am a fraud" which is very untrue, however it IS true that we are not what we think we are. When we sense a discrepancy or not measuring up, it points to the very fact that what we really are is alive, not a dead, fixed idea, we are change and aliveness itself.

[mandyjw]

My 8 year old son has a horrible fear of toilets flushing. I decided it's gotten to the point where either I need to either find a psychologist or work with him about it myself. 

I was thinking that bringing in humor and talking about it humorously would be the best approach, (or perhaps cost HIM more psychiatric bills when he's an adult, dunno), and then got the idea that someone MUST have a video on youtube of a toilet overflowing. That's his core fear about it, that it will overflow, and he associates the sound with that imagination. But he has no idea what it's like if it happens, and I tried to explain to him, it's a big mess, but not a big deal. 

So some miscreant went into McDonalds and made a youtube video of purposefully plugging a toilet. And I'm going to use this for therapeutic purposes. 

I mean this to be ironic, hilarious, honest and profound, but really... what a beautiful world we live in. 

[mandyjw]

 

 

[mandyjw]

Thinking lots of crappy thoughts. It's a relief that I'm not a thing that can find happiness in things and experiences, but that the entirety of me is experience. I dunno, is that right? I don't feel like getting technical right now. I really want to sleep and chill out, not journal, but kids and a dog. 

5 minutes later after giving my daughter the last of my spinach, peeling myself an orange, my daughter asking for it, giving it to her and peeling another and then being asked if snails have armpits, and then having to google if snails sleep, I'm back to journaling. 

So yeah, happiness is not a thing you can find. Again like, it's a major relief. it's amazing. beautiful, brilliant, perfect really, but oh fuck it I'll be depressed about it anyway. All these pleasing things, food, having kids, the kids being cute and wonderful and curious just how you wanted and being like, "I just want to fucking take a nap for 20 minutes" and not being happy. What a miserable bitch I am. I keep thinking this stupid thing and I know it's not right, but since I'm tearing up about it, I think I'll go there. My Grandmother was always miserable, never happy with anything, always moving around, and I keep thinking of her, comparing myself to her, partly because I was compared with her a lot, and I was her favorite, and she was miserable enough to have favorites.  

Again, like knowing that something isn't right, that you can't just be happy anyway, is a recurring theme. 

On 3/22/2021 at 7:55 PM, mandyjw said:

I know this fully, all too well, but again, "knowing" is the problem.

Oh fuck it. I'm painting my stairs. It's very exciting. They were primed white and now they have one coat of white paint on them. I'm very happy with this. There's something wrong with me, I'm happy with such little things. OOOHHHHH. 

I just randomly went with the thought that felt better, even if it was about a totally random separate topic. But it WASN'T! Oh, journaling. So fucking exciting. Boomerangs. Source. Yep, this is fucking awesome.

Damn, I'm getting GOOD at this, like really efficient! I mean, I'm good, am I not good? 

Yep. I'm Good. 

[mandyjw]

Woooooow. All that self judgement trying to fit in with what other people think, trying to be happy, but not just allowing happy. Even with spirituality, I'll do it, I'll do it again. Especially with spirituality. I'll take the best teacher I can find and turn it into a big fat SHOULD. 

I always liked doing this earlier, with men. Always men. Has to be a man. Cause men know what's up, especially the successful ones. They are the antidote to silly, flighty little creatures, happy about painting and stupid little things, like me and Grammie Lily. 

Mr. Money Mustache. Message I heard, Buying shit is silly! Ok, I'll stop buying stuff. 

Tim Ferriss, Message I heard, if it takes time and effort on your part to produce, you're doing it wrong. Ok, I'll stop doing one of a kind art and try to get rich somehow. 

Leo, Enlightenment is an achievement. 

Somewhere, much earlier than I ever found these people, all of which it's not their fault, I decided that I had to have BIG wants. Because if I was happy with little things, I was little. Maybe I am little. Maybe I have no size at all. Maybe I'm free to dream big or dream small, all just for the pleasure of dreaming.  

 

[mandyjw]

I'm not important. I feel like most everyone passes over or ignores my posts of advice here, maybe because I'm female and I try to argue for a perspective of joy in little things, cause I see that missing here. Why do I even bother if I myself don't buy it sometimes?

I don't "buy" it. 

I project that life ought to be more free, more relaxed, less pressure to become, to get to, and yet here I am doing the same. If I can't be content in being small, do I think if I can convince the world, that I'll finally feel ok?

What's the point of marketing? What's the point of playing the game? It does work for good. 

Bleh. Hit a wall. Not getting anywhere. Maybe some George Ezra, will help, he's a successful man. 

Maybe if I was hotter, more confident, and the hotness would bring the confidence, I could just have a piece of it. I suppose that's all women can bring to the table. For a time. I'm already past it.  Every time I dress and paint myself into hot I feel sick and fake. I suppose that's a perspective that doesn't agree. Every time I ignore my looks I feel invisible and feel I have to work to stay that way, and hide. 
 

'Cause life imitates art
If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby?
You tell me, "Life isn't that hard"

Every single fucking movie you saw growing up, the woman is beautiful, strikingly beautiful. Every story you love, they turn it into a movie and Hermione is pretty. We can't make her the way she was written in the book, she has to be beautiful. There's money at stake. The only way women make money, and get success is by being attractive. 

Didn't a woman WRITE Harry Potter? 

Yeah, that's cause you don't see authors. J.K.Rowling. She didn't use her name on it for a good fucking reason. 

What would make me feel better? "Universe, I would have enjoyed Jack in Titanic more if you'd just cast some real ugly bitch for Rose. "

I don't like to look dull in comparison to shiny beautiful things. Dim the stars for me God. They make feel insecure. 

Done, it's called light pollution.

Light pollution! What a concept! The lesser light is too bright up close, so I can't see the supposed greater ones that are far away. Which IS lesser and which IS greater? Clever. 

 

 

Even sharing this, isn't really authentic. I think this video is brilliant, but also feel like it's making fun of women and that I'm really not cool or funny at all for feeling that way about it. I don't know what I want. Just like a woman. 

Am I looking for a resolution? I never wanted to be a woman. I never wanted to be a man either. I never wanted to be both or neither. I've heard that I'm beyond all that. It seems a solution, that is not. Maybe I want a dissolution. Maybe I've been trying to avoid, trying to be cool, trying to work it all out, trying to work myself out of the equation. 

Source, dissolve me, get rid of me, I'm damaged goods, not worth much, never was. What is all-powerful perfection supposed to do with that? It's like oil and water. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Jesus. Did I DO this? Is this my fault? Is it my fault for holding shitty perspectives? For buying them? Did I throw my power away? I found solace, forgiveness and transcendence in Christianity of this whole powerless perspective, and more or the deepest, sharpest power taking misogyny in how it was typically practiced. 

I guess every great story has a pretty shitty beginning. I am after all, an androgynous author. 

Power is my creation. power Old French povoir, noun use of the infinitive, "to be able," 

If I'm able to throw my power away, isn't that power?

 

Edited March 25, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

So the misunderstanding is "I am a thought".

But the misunderstanding is also the understanding. (FUCK me. ?) I am only a thought, I only ever experience me as a thought. 

So if someone identifies with being not-good enough, insignificant, whatever else, and they also experience obsessive thinking, they already know that they can't trust or believe their thoughts, and they think that if they can get rid of the thinking, they can get rid of themselves. Or if they can get rid of themselves, they can get rid of the thinking.  Themselves = the problem. Themselves = thought. Thought = problem. 

Law of attraction and the very nature of thought to create means if you're stuck in this cycle, you are absolutely fucked. If YOU think YOU are a problem, you perpetuate you, and if you think thought is a problem you will get more of it it. It's a vicious cycle, you created, but also trapped yourself in. 

SHIT. All of the spirituality, was as much the problem as solution. The problem is the same as the solution. 

The very "die to self", transcend the ego teachings become the perfect validation for a self who that already trying to off itself for years. 

What does "free" of thought really mean? Is it being expressive and free to think, or NO thought? 

I THOUGHT Eckhart Tolle meant I had to be free of thought to have spiritual attainment, ie, to be happy. He was another man I threw my own guidance away with in recognition of authority, which I saw as a means of getting what I wanted. Dissolution. 

"He" was, like all true spiritual teachings, problem AND solution. The "power of now" means, they are the same fucking thing. 

Abraham Hicks taught me how to vibrate as the solution. 

What if it's free WITH thought, and free of thought? 

 

"It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength. We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter their color; equal in importance no matter their texture." Maya Angelou

 

It doesn't seem like it fits at first, but it does. 

Edited March 26, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Suddenly that Queen video seems just as funny and brilliant as ever. 

[mandyjw]

[mandyjw]

I've been really focused and productive lately. I have channeled my inner Martha Stewart. I started using a journal that I started after reading about bullet journaling. I sort of used the principal but turned it into my own thing. I use a page each for several categories of my life. I'll have a page for the entire month and things I'd like to do. I have a page for wants. Usually I'll write something out and be like, why don't I just take action on that right now? And I do. I write when I'm inspired, and I'll look at it when I want some guidance or momentum or just feel like it.

When I first started it under "wants" I put "a lobster jello mold." I wanted it because someone I follow has one as a joke cause it looks like a dick from a distance. Is it a dick or a lobster? This is the magic of imagination. So I was like, "what is keeping me from making this idiotic whim a reality??? Oh, myself and my caring what other people think, and I went right ahead and bought one off eBay. 

I should have known. It's not JUST a lobster mold. Well, obviously, but it's not JUST a lobster mold that also looks like a dick. 

Looking at it on the wall, I got even more inspiration. Get your mind out of the gutter people. I was also watching Mrs. Maisel and decided since I have a copper theme in my kitchen to just get a whole collection of copper jello molds and line the kitchen like the 50's. I remembered my Grandmother's and how much I loved them, they struck me when I was a kid, how pretty they were. So I guess what happened was that once I lined the kitchen with them I stopped thinking people thinking the lobster was dick and started thinking, "oh my God, I'm just like my Grandmother." 

On 3/24/2021 at 5:46 PM, mandyjw said:

What a miserable bitch I am. I keep thinking this stupid thing and I know it's not right, but since I'm tearing up about it, I think I'll go there. My Grandmother was always miserable, never happy with anything, always moving around, and I keep thinking of her, comparing myself to her, partly because I was compared with her a lot, and I was her favorite, and she was miserable enough to have favorites.  

So for the past couple days I've been questioning, what do I DO with this? What does "your inner being never look back, mean? Do I look back, knowing this is also looking forward? How does this all feel?  I was kinda lost, but wanting to sort of connect with this feeling or not wanting to be associated with her, but feeling that way anyway. I asked Mom for a picture of her, and she brought out an album that had only the first few pages filled. I don't remember any of the pictures. I started look at them and the most recent one of her made me tear up instantly. The death of my maternal Grandmother happened two years ago, and coincided with some fast intense spiritual realization and it was an entirely different experience with lots of emotional purging. But this grandmother died when I was 16 and I remember being so fine during the funeral and then grief just hitting me in the shower after it was all done, and not really knowing how to process. 

One of the big realizations I had when my maternal Grandmother died and even happening years before was that I had let my Dad's judgements color my own relationship and judgements of her. He was incredibly judgmental. And so was I. I thought this was truth. My Grandmothers couldn't have been more opposite, one incredibly loving, content, but naïve and the other sharp, and judgmental, unhappy. But still, he found great flaws in the both and criticized them all the time. 

Bleh, this feels like writing a dumb story. Maybe I'll continue later, depending on how it feels. I'm cautious about past digging. Maybe for good, reason, maybe too cautious. It's like learning to walk, you fall on your butt sometimes. That's ok.

Anyway, looking through the photos I kind of thought how photos are just "imagination aids" and I could use them to tell any sort of story, mostly in connection or identification with myself. I didn't have a very nice wardrobe, so for my senior pictures, my sister loaned me hers. In one of the pictures I wore a black halter dress and a cowboy hat, it wasn't like me at all, but it made a great picture. One of the boys on the cross country team rode the same bus as her and stole it from my friend and put it with his other "pictures" in his wallet and I didn't know whether to be disgusted or flattered. I think all we are each other's imagination aids. They'll just do whatever they want with us. Masturbation aids or target practice, who knows? Depends on mood. Everything depends on mood. Lobster, or...?

So today I gassed my car up and noticed that someone waited for the pump behind me a minute and then had to turn around to get to a pump. I watched the pattern of "I inconvenienced someone, I shouldn't even be here" come up. If I hadn't spent my entire sheltered life in such a rural area, I would not have had the privilege of maintaining this shit without giving it up out of anger or pure frustration, I suppose. Then I noticed that they drove a Navigator that had a sticker on it that said "I'm only speeding because I have to poop." That made me feel better about inconveniencing people and taking up their time.

 

[mandyjw]

Last night I had a weird dream. My parents own property that is accessed partly by two different woods roads. I dreamed that someone decided to sell lobster out of an outlet on one of the roads which was very strange. I was distrusting of him, like anyone that used to ever go in there. When I walked or ran there, I would listen for a vehicle, and if I heard one I would usually hide in the woods. Whether that's because that's normal behavior when you live in the middle of nowhere, or because my parents constantly told me to be careful and fueled my fears, I don't know.

There was a person who had showed up to deliver something and the person had had quills like a porcupine, which was absolutely bizarre. Then later me and my mother were cleaning out really old stuff that was my Grandmothers? and there was this sewing box full of antique needles that were incredibly well made, like a lot of old tools. 

So of course, I could interpret this a lot of ways, but going along with what's on my mind, and the synchronicity of sewing needles and porcupine quills, the message might be, use what is past for creation, not protection. 

And that's exactly what I was sort of trying to see through with my Grandmother. She was quite feminine, loved beautiful things, loved crafts, loved making things, and yet, much of the time was miserable, and there are multiple reasons why I get compared with her. 

So... this reminds me of something, maybe I shouldn't go here. If you're female, being an artist is the occupation that puts you at the highest risk for suicide. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1096882/working-female-suicide-rate-by-detailed-occupation-group-us/ There's some correlation with creativity and depression, and I think, I know it's spiritual awakening related. I think there's a major misunderstanding of society here. A creative woman is born with incredible gifts, gifts that the world needs most right now, but because they are exactly what the world needs most right now, they WILL be devalued and laughed at, and part of her gifts are a sort of vulnerability and fragility, that isn't what it seems. She's like the mouse in the Gruffalo book. (I really wish @remember hadn't been banned, who gave me this insight into the meaning of that book, but there's another example of devaluing the feminine that's stuck in my craw). She herself CREATES a more powerful monster than the predictors, and she TOO must out-wile the monster she herself created to just happily enjoy eating a nut at the end of the book. 

Ok wow. This went deeper and more to the heart of things than I was thinking it would. Thinking it would? Really?

If she herself starts to believe this perspective too, that she is not worth much, that she is weak, that she is prey, she may begin to feel that she is worthless too. And she IS prey, prey to (pray to!) a bigger monster than the ones initially placed in the forest, but to the monster of her own creation. 

What the world needs most, is for you to know and feel your own worth, no matter who you are, no matter what gifts you have. 

It doesn't matter what society is like, it doesn't matter what the world is like, all that matters is my own alignment with me.  

My Grandmother gave me the tools for creation, and she gave me the clarity that comes from contrast on how to use them in a way that is aligned with Self. 

Edited March 27, 2021 by mandyjw