It's All Write

[mandyjw]

I like sharing thoughts here publicly, which is a little weird perhaps but it feels like you're letting stuff go when you throw it out there for other people to read. I suppose I could write some notes and burn them, but I mean, that IS sort of a fire hazard. 

I'm really good at writing myself into a better feeling, less personal perspective about things. Writing is a powerful way to focus and my "inner voice" almost never  takes anything seriously. 

 

[mandyjw]

I've found "feminism" or more specifically, identification with gender a surprising part of the "path". I was sort of hoping to avoid this kind of stuff. I guess that's exactly why it comes up so much. I've found all attempts at empowerment and the more commonly practiced means of fighting for women's rights a massive disappointment. I'm not saying marching against the President with a pussy hat you crocheted yourself is a bad thing, but I've been drawn to other ways of dealing with this. I've seen immense examples of power in the older women in my community, despite the fact that they still have very traditional values. It occurred to me that empowerment is something that you can't really own, promote, or make into a cause.

I have unexpectedly found the sort of empowerment I feel like those things are aimed at only in spirituality, especially from Abraham Hicks, who ironically goes by a man's name (yep still stuck on that). I wanted to sort of forget or deny that this is whole thing is an issue, because obviously, gender is duality, so just forget about it. That doesn't work though, if it's thought as an escape route and not also felt as a freedom. 

Gender makes a great excuse to continue feeling worthless, powerless and unsafe. It can hold into place insecurity of all kinds. Of course thought is what holds us feeling that way, and so the thoughts come under the topic and belief of gender. 

I have family history which dramatically confirms this belief that women are powerless and unsafe, but it my own experience it also dramatically confirms that it's all attraction and that thoughts create your reality. Two days ago my mom went to do something she was so scared to go to that she hardly slept and was sick over it, and unexpectedly ran into the person who is the center of the family history of living in fear. What are the chances? 0 in infinity, or in other words, absolutely certain. 

She taught me by example that the way to deal was to be shy, small, hide, not put yourself out there, not to create any sort of confrontation (ok I never really listened to that one), be kind to everyone. 

It can be really rough to take responsibility for what you attract. Cause ultimately you can't, it's just about aligning with the desire of what you really want. We don't want to live in fear, we don't want to have to trample on others to feel worthy, we don't want to have to force things through and manipulate to get what we want. We don't want to perpetuate a pattern that didn't feel good and wasn't working and sell it as the only method that works. 

My whole life has been almost instant attraction, karma, when I fuck up. Someone must love me very much. 

I think this is the place where I'm supposed to clarify what I do want. 

I do want to line up with the inspiration before I do anything I think I should be doing. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

The fairly newly popularized term "gas lighting" is one tricky BITCH of an excuse for not pulling yourself out of a state of worthless, powerless, insecurity, etc. You can get to blame, and anger, but then you're stuck there, cause you're waiting around for someone to share your shitty perspective as a condition before you feel better and let yourself have the empowerment you seek. You actually put your power, which is essentially love, and the core desire, feeling good, in their hands to hold it apart from you. The irony of being self empowered is lost in blame of someone else not understanding how they harmed you. 

[mandyjw]

I feel horrible. I've been holding a bunch of really awful feeling perspectives for a while, and sometimes thinking of oneself as someone who should and does "know better" or who should be above that makes it much worse. I feel incredibly isolated and boxed in. (Yeah, that's not actual just disconnection from Source, you should be above this, blah blah.)

The location is which I live is either heaven on earth or complete fucking hell, hello mid March! (There's no time or location ,YOU should know better, bitch, blah blah blah). 

I tried meditating this morning. My son sat on me. He has been getting up super early (5:30) and ruining my meditation sessions every single morning. I've been trying to explain to him that I need the time, but he doesn't get it. He is autistic, and though he is very sweet, he is incredibly immature for his age. Yesterday he bothered me so bad, mid meditation I threw my cell phone as hard as I could into the laundry room and somehow it didn't break. It just bounced, and the case came off completely. (You're telling shitty stories, you should know better, bitch, blah blah blah.) 

Tried Wim Hof breathing today and my chest felt so bad I could even do it. So I tried to zone out and about five minutes later my daughter came in because she missed me. (You should feel loved, blah, blah, blah) 

I feel so boxed in, that a lot of not great thoughts of how to get out of this place and this situation are coming up. Should I book a plane ticket or buy a gun? (You just made a fucking video about that, you imposter, what the fuck ya doing? blah, blah, blah) 

I seriously just think this creation thing was a bad idea. I know I've had this conversation before, but I just don't think it was worth it. (What does your name mean? Worth-y of love? Blah blah, blah) 

What's the difference between the voice of Source and my inner critic? (Nonduality!)

Well isn't THAT really fucking convenient. Convenient. Wasn't that where the other conversation went? Etymology helps you go general. Specifics suck when you're in bitch rather than Source mode. 

convenient (adj.)

late 14c., "fit, suitable, proper; affording accommodation; opportune, favorable," from Latin convenientem (nominative conveniens), present participle of convenire "to come together, meet together, assemble; unite, join, combine; agree with, accord; be suitable or proper (to)," from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + venire "to come" (from a suffixed form of PIE root *gwa- "to go, come").

Oh right it all fits together, like a puzzle or fucking humpty dumpty, when the world was split into duality, but still it's just a fucking story and never happened. 

 

Did I create a God so I could spend a few years fearing and revering him, and then, finding all the ways I can blaspheme against it? I think so. The fear and revere was the original blaspheme. 

[mandyjw]

Man, that was one of the most effectively mood raising journal entries I've ever written. 

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

Did I create a God so I could spend a few years fearing and revering him, and then, finding all the ways I can blaspheme against it? I think so. The fear and revere was the original blaspheme. 

This is quite a whopper. Applies to so many things, in so many ways, outside of having a religious upbringing. Applies to a lot of thoughts patterns I have now. If you revere and fear, you think certain practices are right cause someone said so, and you avoid other things that really make you feel good, (like writing public journal entries) cause you're afraid of missing out on something, or doing something wrong. 

The nondualdogma is the very same as the negative, destructive self talk when you're not hearing it. Like Abraham Hicks says, "words don't teach". 

This morning my daughter was taking a bath and started jumping over her older brother in the bathtub proclaiming, "I'm a mermaid!" again and again "You're NOT a mermaid!" He'd yell back. Every time she splashed him, she excused herself with something like "that's just my tail". The game went on after the bath, her a Princess, then a dog and him still thinking that he could possibly explain reality to someone pretending to be something that she already knew she wasn't. 

 

[mandyjw]

It's weird, not one really gets it, infers a loss of sobriety, and yet, it's very inspirational. Just like life.

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

You are Known.

[mandyjw]

Dealing with this cyclical pain bubbling up. Woke up in the night last night, my daughter seemed disoriented and went downstairs like it was morning, and then came back up and my husband said sternly "Go back to bed." For some reason I was up and just feeling some sort of sorrow or pain, and even though it seemed she did what she was told and went back to sleep, she started crying in what seemed to me the most miserable way, and I got her and brought her back to bed. She woke up in an awful mood. She has been such a teacher to me, showing me that my caring creative side and strong emotions are just one quintessential female manifestation, with powers and drawbacks, and I'm not just some fuck up for having these things and can stop taking them so personally. I both love them and am driven crazy by them being reflected in her. 

It seems like parents often fight about what parenting style is best, motherly love or strict discipline. Sometimes I wonder if nonduality and enlightenment teaching is so male dominated because it is the more stern approach. 

I think sometimes direct teachings get confused and work just like this. 

 

I also think that teaching that projects one's own pain upon another is ineffective, and that's the other side of the story. Empathy can identify one's own unhealed pain in another, and in what one thinks is connection is actually disconnection.

It's not a dilemma that's going to be solved right now.

"Latin from Greek dilēmma, from di- ‘twice’ + lēmma ‘premise’." 

ha

People project this sort of empathy on my often when I say I have a autistic kid because so many people are scared of having a disabled child. He's a lovely kid, there have been challenges but really, I don't see his autism as any source of suffering outside of my own challenges and misunderstandings I've had as a mother in general. There was a Christmas concert or two when I didn't feel that way, but it turns out autism is an incredible way to teach people who care too much what others think that that kind of concern just doesn't work out for anyone ever. 

I don't want people to empathize with what they think I feel, and I don't want them to tell me to just stop it, neither do I want to do these things for myself. 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Yesterday I journaled some about being frustrated and feeling stuck especially having to do with my location and how I know I'm very identified with where I live. I came to the realization that anything I project on the world and society could be/is also self reflected. So I want to explore more with that.

I found that one way I felt stuck here and felt inadequate and ashamed of myself was because of my driving "anxiety".  I discovered a whole bunch of YouTube videos where I can program my brain in a whole bunch of tricky driving situations while it's in a relaxed state, without having to drive 2 hours plus to get to even a single highway or a minor city. That was a huge barrier to being able to practice at all. There's one channel in particular that is really amazing. This made me realize more fully that I've just never had this experience before, and it's nothing to take personally. Driving here is incredibly relaxing, open roads, low population. I never have to change lanes, ever. 

I also realized that I've never had any experience needing to check my blind spots or merging. Thought the blind spot parallel was funny. Thinking about this in a focused way and watching videos about driving really helped me to get out of the emotional judgmental funk about it. 

[mandyjw]

 

[SilentTears]

On 3/14/2021 at 4:15 AM, mandyjw said:

but I mean, that IS sort of a fire hazard. 

Love the reasoning behind not burning notes. Well, the reasoning of not writing it on paper to begin with lol. 

Nice to see you still active here after so long

 

[mandyjw]

@SilentTears Good to see you! How are things? 

[mandyjw]

Feeling all over the place, and muddy so I'm hoping to focus some things. 

I've been working more lately, basically to focus on something that has momentum since I'm sort of prone to noticing other things that don't. And cause, it's fun and makes money. Hard to lose. My studio is such an amazing thing to behold, messy though it looks, it is full of a 17 year old collection of different kinds of glass, tools, murrini chips made by myself and other artists, and all kinds of different odds and ends.  Complex murrini is a bitch, 2 plus hour commitment of intense, focused work that you cannot stop for any reason whatsoever, and when you pull it, it either works or it doesn't. If it does work you have a design you can use in beads for years. I have a huge library. Then there's my head, full of techniques and refinements I've made for years. There's a lot of momentum there. 

With spirituality, and teaching or whatever the fuck I'm doing, I feel like a babe in the woods, thrilled with myself for doing the most basic things, which is FUN, oh so fun. My passion for it is driving it, but it doesn't really have a lot of roads built that it can drive on.  The secret to life is that mastery gets really fucking boring after a while and yet, you get to keep your infrastructure or whatever. 

Ooooh... I'm just being results oriented. Where's my fucking results, mother fuckers? I don't know which and what I'm referring to, but i know there aren't here NOW. SOMEONE HAS TO ANSWER FOR THIS. 

There aren't any. This is it, this is the fun. 

Oh right.

Where's the chocolate? I need some chocolate. (You're saving that for tomorrow, since you know, you bought the bar yesterday and there's like one piece left?)

Fuck.

 

 

[SilentTears]

@mandyjw things are going well. Your journal is “wild” to say the least 

p.s. eat the chocolate. No one will notice.

[mandyjw]

@SilentTears I'd like to agree that it's wild, but maybe it's just feral since I'm still able to be trapped with the right treats. ?

It's less about the chocolate and more about just noticing the attempts to escape.

 

 

[mandyjw]

Any attempt to escape what you already are is a trap. You wouldn't need to escape if you didn't think you were trapped. The trap, your wolrd is a projection of you, self created. 

The word escape comes from es cape, like someone grabbed your cloak and you slipped out and ran off without it. 

“Go back,
go back to sleep.

Yes, you are allowed.
You who have no Love in your heart,
you can go back to sleep.

The power of Love
is exclusive to us,
you can go back to sleep.

I have been burnt
by the fire of Love.
You who have no such yearning in your heart,
go back to sleep.

The path of Love,
has seventy-two folds and countless facets.
Your love and religion
is all about deceit, control and hypocrisy,
go back to sleep.

I have torn to pieces my robe of speech,
and have let go of the desire to converse.
You who are not naked yet,
you can go back to sleep.” - Rumi

Jesus said, "When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid."

[mandyjw]

Let things happen as they happen , they will sort themselves out nicely in the end. You need not strain towards the future -- the future will come to you on its own. For some time longer you will remain sleep-walking, as you do now, bereft of meaning and assurance, but this period will end and you will find your work both fruitful and easy.

There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desirable for it means the soul had cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment -- when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid, the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: whatever you come across -- go beyond.

~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj ('I Am That')

 

There is nothing wrong with the world. What is wrong is the way you look at it. It is your own imagination that misleads you. Without imagination there is no world. Your conviction that you are conscious of a world is the world. " -Nisargadatta Maharaj

 

Ok, so let's throw some boomerangs, and project some stuff on the world. 

It's scary. (I'm scared)

It's big. (I'm little and insignificant.)

I can't tell if the guy who lost his license for DUI and drives by my house on a lawn mower to go to the gas station is sad or humorous. (don't know what to do with that either?)

There should be more trees everywhere, and I don't like public restrooms. (You really do think you're a feral cat, I guess)

 

Ok, I think my mood is currently too good for doing this. I'll try again when I'm pissed off or something. 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by mandyjw

[Michael569]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I can't tell if the guy who lost his license for DUI and drives by my house on a lawn mower to go to the gas station is sad or humorous.

oh my, I hate when they do that... 

[mandyjw]

I'm starting to see that the only reason you'd make a song about not caring about your reputation is because you DO care about your reputation, but don't want to. I should feel disenchanted, but, it's just funny. 

Hi everyone. I care about my reputation, but I don't want to and I'm trying not to. Embarrassment is highly likely to ensure, because this is a universe of no exclusion, and the universe doesn't hear the word no.

Huh, "here" and "hear" sound the same, you can only hear what people say about you, here. 

The past two days have been extremely productive, with finding motivation and effortlessly knocking down barriers in the realm of something I've wanted to do for a really long time but more recently have not given a shit about, finishing my house and kitchen. THIS is the beauty of law of attraction. Stop giving a shit, and boom. It all seemed to be a domino effect of the washing machine breaking, being happy about this because it was a lemon from the start and also 10 years old, asking my dad to come drain it, so I could get my clothes back. That very night I had this sort of jolting revelation come to me. Don't laugh. "You shouldn't store stuff on the top of the refrigerator." 

So long story short, this led to repainting the entire kitchen, and fixing in one fell swoop a bunch of stuff I wanted to do but had no motivation to do because I believed I couldn't move the refrigerator by myself. This turned out not to be true. 

After all this I decided to go out to a beach last night. When I got there I regretted coming, regretted not bringing my daughter, felt unable to enjoy time to myself which I have so been asking for but not believing I could move the fridge my self (other subject, not really). I walked across some mud, found a fossil of something I'd never seen before, and realized I had no desire to keep it, so I put it back and this was more interesting to me than the fossil. Thought about how I turn nature into something I worship too much and feel as if I must enjoy because I think I enjoy it, and I can't think enjoyment, only drop thoughts and enjoy. The tides changed just as I walked out and I got to see the whirlpools go from tiny little circles, to boiling, and when I looked overhead I smiled at seeing an almost perfect equal half quarter moon, on the Spring equinox. When I was driving home, an owl flew straight at my car looking straight at me, moving just in time before it hit the windshield. That's only the second time I've seen an owl in the wild in my life. 

 

Edited March 21, 2021 by mandyjw