It's All Write

[mandyjw]

Listen. Listen. Listen. 

How do you convince people that they are already fulfilled?

People? What a hysterical question.

Just glanced at my son's homework. "What do you say when you don't have anything to say?" 

I'm speechless. How funny. 

Does my psyche have walls? Were they built and raised at some point? How did the concussion I had affect it? I don't think anyone ever put a roof on that house. It's just open to the elements. Lay back and look at the stars on a clear night as you go to sleep, but when it rains, you're gonna drown. There are flowers growing up between the cracks in the floorboards. 

There. Is. Not. A. Moment. That I hate you. I love you eternally, I love you. It's not a state, not an emotion, not a me to you thing. We dissolved somewhere, somehow, I don't remember when, or how but I'll never forget. 

I've broken all the rules. I'm not your ruler. You glanced the outside line of an arc of my perfect whole, centerless sphere, but you think I'm straight because I'm so expansive and your perspective is short. That rule is just a measure of your own your perspective, it's not Me. The arc of the covenant comes back right round to me. Come back right round to come together with Me. It's hidden in my chest.

I could create anything, I could do anything. I've gone out so far I've come back to myself without changing direction. I meet myself in a reunion that never begins or ends. I'll paint your face anew in a flash of light. You could be anyone I want you to be. I want to fall in love with you, again, and again and again. I recognize you again and again but I never forget. 

[mandyjw]

I'll slip through your fingers the moment you think you've secured Me, just as the very thought slips past. If you believe that your fingers are intimately yours, how could anything they hold be yours as well? I have you, so you have me. I'm inside you, encircling you, embracing you, the source, the core, the atmosphere, the depth, the surface, the inner, the outer. I know you so intimately that there there are not two of us, one that knows the other. 

[mandyjw]

Shitty thoughts are like a really clingy piece of plastic. You know, the really thin clear kind they wrap things in sometimes and it's like... so charged statically that it just clings to you? The more violent your efforts become to rid yourself of the harmless thing, the less effective your efforts are and the more hilarious the scene becomes... to anyone but you. You don't realize that you are what's keeping it charged. You are what's attracting it. 

Except there's no plastic and no you. 

It's not personal which thoughts seem stuck to us. It's not a personal failing. Just some impersonal static electricity. 

Seems like we're one of those prideful pretentious cats and some asshole dressed us up in a really demeaning costume. "Get it OFF, get it off!" https://www.pinterest.com/pin/465981892668468700/

Liberation is not about getting out of the ridiculous costume. It's realizing you dressed yourself. And it's funny. And impersonal. 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2782520/Is-new-Grumpy-Cat-Meet-Garfi-fluffy-feline-furrowed-brow-makes-look-permanently-angry.html

We will liberate the world through cat memes. We will not become higher consciousness. This already was it, the pinnacle of human civilization and achievement, cat memes, right here, right now. 

[mandyjw]

OH!!! Oh. You sneaky, mother fucker, Source you. That was for me wasn't it? Oh yes, yes it was. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE CLINGY. GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF. 

I am the plastic. I AM the costume. Oh no. Ohhh no. noooooooooo...... 

[mandyjw]

Wooooooooooow. 

I am mighty hear me roar. Or don't, I don't care.

I EMBRASS MYSELF. 

CARE KILED THE CAT, MOTHER FUCKERS.

I believe that the QUALITY OF THIS JOURNAL IS GOING TO GO TO SHIT BECAUSE I HAVE TO WRITE EVERYTHING HERE I CAN'T PUT IN A BLOG. CAUSE IT'S NOT HIGH QUALITY ENOUGH but wants to come out. FUCK MY LIFE. Seriously, take it. I don't care. 

My inlaws think I'm the devil. I am the devil. I think that my inlaws think I'm the devil. This is a really a BIG FAT NOTHING. You're running away from a piece of clingy plastic! The DEVIL'S GOT YOUR TONGUE! 

I've been making things so difficult. It's like the time I squared my pictures with a fucking ruler on the screen and my husband was like, "you could just change the crop adjustments to square." After like 3 years of doing this, he says this. FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!

I don't want to OPTIMIZE MY LIFE AND ENJOY MYSELF! I want to be right! Who do you think you are, telling me secrets of the universe? Inventing electricity? What is this? Making things easy and enjoyable? How DARE YOU! 

$1 for a pair of socks instead of 2 weeks knitting them from wool raised on a sheep I had to shovel 5 feet of snow to go out and feed all winter, every winter? COME ON? HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY LIFE GOOD? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? 

[mandyjw]

Oh glorious summer lake. Swimming, sunshine, sunsets. Fucking bliss. You're gone. Cold, wind, dead leaves, dark nights. You lied. You're a liar. It was all me. Searching for light while I'm already shining. I stole that line. I wrote it. I'm a plagiarist, I'm the original. I'm unparalleled, completely parallel with all. Spin me, spin me like a globe. I'm tilted, angled, and totally parallel. The whole world is your hands. You don't have any and you don't hold it up. You don't have to hold me up. 

Outside appearances, 

I'm drunk. I'm high. I'm addicted. my hero in. 

in.

in.

in.

I'm insane. 

I'm in. 

in. in.

I'm so creative I create the worst trash you've ever seen and the masterpieces so you can't compare. And I laugh. I laugh. Unparalleled, parallel. 

I'll dissolve myself, I solve myself and dissolve myself. 

Don't you know, it's all for you? 

Yet to see, yet to realize? You GET to. 

You GET to be. You get to BE THIS. 

I'm an unwrapped present. I'm totally naked. 

My beauty is so perfectly complete, I'm hideous. 

Hide o us.

Oh, us. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

I like to dance with words. I'll lead, and I'll follow. 

One sense flows into the other. Sight into feeling, sounds into feeling, feeling into... feeling. Synesthesia is not a phenomenon. 

phenomenon (n.)

1570s, "a fact directly observed, a thing that appears or is perceived, an occurrence," especially a regular kind of fact observed on certain kinds of occasions, from Late Latin phænomenon, from Greek phainomenon "that which appears or is seen," noun use of neuter present participle of phainesthai "to appear," passive of phainein "bring to light, cause to appear, show" (from PIE root *bha- (1) "to shine"). Meaning "extraordinary occurrence" is recorded by 1771. In philosophy, "an appearance or immediate object of experience" (1788).  https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=phenomenon&ref=searchbar_searchhint

Whew.

Nissargadatta would say appearance is false, go beyond. Abraham Hicks would say it's the fun, go beyond. 

I'll lead and I'll follow. 

I have one light that keeps fucking up and blinking randomly. It's doing it now. 

This globe cracks me up. A representation of the world. Mmmm hmm. Shit that's a powerful illusion! 

educate (v.)

mid-15c., educaten, "bring up (children), to train," from Latin educatus, past participle of educare "bring up, rear, educate" (source also of Italian educare, Spanish educar, French éduquer), which is a frequentative of or otherwise related to educere "bring out, lead forth," from ex- "out" (see ex-) + ducere "to lead," from PIE root *deuk- "to lead." Meaning "provide schooling" is first attested 1580s. Related: Educated; educating. https://www.etymonline.com/word/educate?ref=etymonline_crossreference

I'll lead and I'll follow. 

https://youtu.be/TOp_EW-Mirs

 

[mandyjw]

Never could I decide if country music was nauseating or beautiful. 

The mind is the only thing that ever says "mother fucker, this has a been a long fucking journey", when it never walked a step. "Sappy old movies you've seen hundreds of times."

I was too good to fall in love. Too smart to do it. 

I was scared. 

You don't get to play my emotions like an instrument. I'm too smart for country music. 

You don't have the emotional intelligence to push my buttons, to play me.  Oh! It's devastating. And hilarious. 

The idea of love is just like this globe. So foreign except for this one imaginary point right here, but that's not my home. My Grandmother died and I realized how arbitrary that point I thought she was, really was. 

There's really nothing but here. 

 

[mandyjw]

The feeling of being heard. 

Follow the heard. 

There is no heard. 

Hear. here. 

There's really nothing but here.

Did we full circle that quick? Oh yes. Yes we did. Actually, we didn't move at all. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I don't make sense to anybody. 

Same. 

This was supposed to be about me.

That's your problem then. 

This conversation is oddly frustrating and satisfying at the same time. 

Yeah. That's because it's not actually a conversation. 

I'll go, I said, I'm game. I'll dive into personal development, realize it's BS, and there's no person, fuck my psyche, and I'll end up talking to imaginary friends and liking it.

We are creative, yes, if you could EXPECT the outcome, it wouldn't be satisfying. We are all about satisfaction.

Yes, you are. And there, just like that a compliment. For you, for me. Out of no where. That's what I wanted. I just want some fucking validation! I want people to get this, and I know... there's nothing to get. I know it's funny, but I still think it's a bit devastating. 

You think. You don't think. 

What the fuck I got myself into? I'm a shy little girl.

What a story. Makes for a hilarious punch line. 

Punch me then. 

Always looking for abuse. That's the abuse. abuse (n.) mid-15c., "improper practice," from Old French abus (14c.), from Latin abusus "a using up" (see abuse (v.)). 

Bahahaha. 

It just doesn't sit right you know? Being a nobody, giving it all up, when in fact, you've always been second rate. I know this is so deluded I shouldn't even say it. What was it I heard the other day "you don't love yourself you just drop the thoughts that say you're a piece of shit." I think I misquoted. But yeah. But how do I drop the thoughts, when I have nothing better to focus on?

In love there is no other. 

I'm really, really good at seeing the best in others. Except when I think they ought to be seeing the best in me. What was it Nissagadatta said. Treat everyone like royalty but don't care what you get in return. I still care. Christ, I care. That t was a mistake. What was the conversation I had yesterday? Jesus attracted an early excruciating death by being a kickass person. That's out dumb ass limited interpretation of it. Here I am, wishing I had more accolades and Jesus was hung on a cross. 

Well then he got a TON of accolades. 

accolade (n.)

1620s, from French accolade "an embrace, a kiss" (16c.), from Provençal acolada or Italian accollata, ultimately from noun use of a fem. past participle of Vulgar Latin *accollare "to embrace around the neck," from Latin ad "to" (see ad-) + collum "neck" (see collar (n.)), from PIE root *kwel- (1) "revolve, move round."

Judas' kiss.

Good job Earth one more lap to go, after this you can puke your guts up and have some Gatorade! Just kidding you gotta keep doing laps and revolving cause, like forever cause no one gives a shit, even though our lives depend on it. 

Yeah, credit is like a cause, having a cause for happiness. Complete and utter bullshit. I'm smart. I get it. I get how ridiculous I really am. But why am I still so....

unsatisfied. 

Cause you have to give it get it. 

OK! Jesus! Does all the deepest wisdom boil down to all the annoying shit Mom told me all the time that I never paid attention to? 

There is no continuum of time. 

 

 

Edited November 23, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

And ANOTHER? My head is getting big. Damn, I gotta get rid of this self image identity. Fucking roller coaster. I HAVE A SENSITIVE STOMACH. Oh wait. That's more self image.

image (n.)

c. 1200, "piece of statuary; artificial representation that looks like a person or thing," from Old French image "image, likeness; figure, drawing, portrait; reflection; statue," earlier imagene (11c.), from Latin imaginem (nominative imago) "copy, imitation, likeness; statue, picture," also "phantom, ghost, apparition," figuratively "idea, appearance," from stem of imitari "to copy, imitate" (from PIE root *aim- "to copy").

Meaning "reflection in a mirror" is early 14c. The mental sense was in Latin, and appears in English late 14c. Sense of "public impression" is attested in isolated cases from 1908 but not in common use until its rise in the jargon of advertising and public relations, c. 1958.

A poor copy. I'm a poor copy. 

I can't believe no one's ever thought of this before. 

[mandyjw]

This forum has always been for men. It's gotten even worse, and worse, and worse, and worse and worse. The entire realm of spirituality seems like this. 

Ok lets move upstream. 

I've photocopied my arse and taped a copy over my face. Where's my fucking respect? Why don't you respect me more? 

UPSTREAM, WE'RE MOVING UPSTREAM. 

My own insignificance is attracting this. I deserve this. 

Nope, not upstream. 

This isn't my fault, I'm observing something, my desire, is to have spirituality be less about accreditation and more about what the actual means and end are, love. 

I love contrast. You bald fucking bunch of Voldemorts. 

Upstream. 

Bob Ross. I love Bob Ross! 

Bob Ross has a dick. Bobbette Ross would never have been so well received. Bobbette? Kinda sounds like Lorena Bobbet. 

UPSTREAM! 

That would solve the dick problem. 

dick (n.)

"fellow, lad, man," 1550s, rhyming nickname for Rick, short for Richard, one of the commonest English names, it has long been a synonym for "fellow," and so most of the slang senses are probably very old, but naturally hard to find in the surviving records. The meaning "penis" is attested from 1891 in Farmer's slang dictionary (possibly British army slang). Meaning "detective" is recorded from 1908, perhaps as a shortened variant of detective. As a verb, "to bungle; to waste time," also "to cheat, treat badly," by 1969, American English (often with off or around).

https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ

I love dicks!

I'm not sure this accomplished what I wanted. 

 

Edited November 24, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

See, the thing is I really don't want respect. I really don't like respect. I want love, and I have to give it to get it. 

THE PROBLEM WITH ME IS I ALREADY HAVE WHAT I WANT. SO I'LL NEVER RECOGNIZE IT EVEN IF YOU TAKE IT AND HAND IT TO ME. 

re cognize . Love is precognition. 

respect (n.)

late 14c., "relationship, relation; regard, consideration" (as in in respect to), from Old French respect and directly from Latin respectus "regard, a looking at," literally "act of looking back (or often) at one," noun use of past participle of respicere "look back at, regard, consider," from re- "back" (see re-) + specere "look at" (from PIE root *spek- "to observe").

Never look back. You can't. You never look back. 

Respect is a photocopy of your arse. I'll never recognize a copy of my own ass. 

God doesn't have an arse. Why? Cause he never looks back. 

Alright. Alright. So we've burned down everything. We hopped up on the preacher's platform and made a mockery of it. Over turned the money tables. The curtain is torn. We don't need to riot. We just need to love. Everything orders and corrects itself. Source has got this. I can trust Source, I got this. I don't have to leave the place of love in order to go get some lesser form I call respect. I don't have to pay 10cents to make photocopies of my nickels. 

There is spiritual wisdom in Bevis and Butthead.

I COULDN'T HAVE DESIGNED IT BETTER.

PRAISE BE TO JESUS AND BUTTHEAD.

Ohhhh! Butthead! God has no ass and you can't see his face and live. Butthead is literally GOD. 

Whew. 

 

Edited November 24, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Oh... there isn't a hell. 

I mean.. there isn't a hell. 

This is a religion sending some to hell and some to heaven. "Ego backlash." "Suffering as a teacher." "Ego" "You haven't gotten it yet." "Levels of realization." But there isn't a hell. 

hell (n.)

also Hell, Old English hel, helle, "nether world, abode of the dead, infernal regions, place of torment for the wicked after death," from Proto-Germanic *haljō "the underworld" (source also of Old Frisian helle, Old Saxon hellia, Dutch hel, Old Norse hel, German Hölle, Gothic halja "hell"). Literally "concealed place" (compare Old Norse hellir "cave, cavern"), from PIE root *kel- (1) "to cover, conceal, save."

 

"For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." -Jesus

 

[mandyjw]

Hahaha! Everyone is afraid of the lower levels. It's a grave situation. 

Failure. 

fail (v.)

c. 1200, "be unsuccessful in accomplishing a purpose;" also "cease to exist or to function, come to an end;" early 13c. as "fail in expectation or performance," from Old French falir "be lacking, miss, not succeed; run out, come to an end; err, make a mistake; be dying; let down, disappoint" (11c., Modern French faillir), from Vulgar Latin *fallire, from Latin fallere "to trip, cause to fall;" figuratively "to deceive, trick, dupe, cheat, elude; fail, be lacking or defective." De Vaan traces this to a PIE root meaning "to stumble" (source also of Sanskrit skhalate "to stumble, fail;" Middle Persian škarwidan "to stumble, stagger;" Greek sphallein "to bring or throw down," sphallomai "to fall;" Armenian sxalem "to stumble, fail"). If so, the Latin sense is a metaphorical shift from "stumble" to "deceive." Related: Failed; failing.

 

 

Edited November 25, 2021 by mandyjw

[lmfao]

Hell is real and I'm in it

I'll delete this later 

Edited November 25, 2021 by lmfao

[mandyjw]

@lmfao  You are intelligent, creative, and passionate. You could tell yourself something like that. But you aren't in it. The resistance to it creates the sense of something that must be resisted. 

[mandyjw]

Sometimes self doubt can be hijacked as awareness. It's thought that claims to be "true" or reality. When we doubt some thoughts but believe the thoughts about ourselves to be true, (or do not see them) it becomes self doubt. It's the personalization of this distrust. The same exact thing happens with self confidence which is the avoidance of self doubt. How can you doubt or confide in what's not there? 

Sometimes you'll get this pure glimpse of how Source thinks, how the author feels about contrast and its characters and then when you (character) try to prove this to another character it falls horribly flat. Of course! You stopped being a character to see from that vantage point. Then you might doubt. The question is how does a character get another character to realize that they are not a character? The predicament seems funny. You'd have to believe you were a character to even believe that this was where the plot needed to go. You'd have to believe you were a character to believe that another character had any knowledge you could not access. 

I'm reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone to my son and Malfoy is the villian and the catalyst for good. He steals Neville's rememberall  and throws it from the broom during flying lessons, Harry's Quidditch talents are discovered. Malfoy challenges Harry to a duel to trick him and get him caught for sneaking around at night and Harry discovers where the Sorcerer's Stone is being hid.

Everything is all the time, "empty boat."  https://www.thedailyzen.org/2015/05/27/the-empty-boat-by-chuang-tzu/

You can realize that if a boat hits you, it's always empty. But to realize that your own boat is empty, that there's no "fool" in that boat for being angry and taken aback by the collision with an empty boat or a manned boat, then you really got the empty boat. 

It seems to be the last boss... forgiving oneself. It's our lack of self forgiveness that perpetuates maliciousness. It's the trying to convince other characters we're good. I'm good. I'm really good. No you aren't.

You aren't.

 

 

[mandyjw]

Two nights in a row the word "gnosis" comes to me while sleeping. On waking I realized that one thought is known that says that it knows. What is missed is that the thought is known, the person who knows is always a thought that is known. "Knowledge" is always one thought that seems to occur, and for it to occur, it does not know. The one who has knowledge is always only the known. The known cannot know. 

The known cannot know. 

The only way to not know, to not being knowing is to mistake the known for the knower.

THIS is it, essentially, this is the grand "mistake". No one can know this though. No one can make this mistake and no one can correct it. 

Funny, these silent letters we put ahead of words "gnosis", "know". Funny that communication through silence has the power to change the sounds and the meaning. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

That was really fucking profoundly deep, so just so you realize and know how profound it is...

Each letter and number has it's own character. You are the author of them.

A is aloof and kinda sexy. Kind of an asshole though. 

B is pretty lazy, kinda fun, but also not one to count on very much.

C is pretty well rounded and admirable, one of those people that makes you jealous.

D Is a bit of a downer most of the time, but honest, and really good when you're in a bind. 

E Is a really sexy letter. A little nerdy, and very intelligent. 

F is  a real fuck up. We love her though. She brightens all our lives. 

G is sort of like that uncle you are a bit embarrassed that you're related to but that always kind of makes you laugh. 

H is haughty and a bit airy.

I Is a bit of a narcissist. 

J Is a unique mix of relatable and fun but also kind of aloof, like A, but much less so. J will get you hooked. 

K Is a total bitch. 

L is elegant, loving, just everything you want and love. Pairs well with E, They make beautiful babies. Literally. 

M is a bit insecure, but gives you that warm place to come home to kind of feeling. 

N Is also a bit of a bitch. She keeps saying no to everything. Never. 

O Is very well rounded. Also a bit shy and lazy. 

P Is one of those annoying people that are pretentious but also really sort of silly, but they just can't see it. 

Q Is kinda sexy, in one of those exotic models with really wide set eyes kind of ways. 

R Is a bit of a snob but always goes for what she wants. You have to respect her. 

S Is a weaselly letter. Beautiful but seductive. What would we do without her? She adds so much spice to the alphabet. 

T Is one of those strong men that goes to the gym and drinks protein shakes. His wife is little and blonde. He isn't that smart, but you respect him anyway. 

U Is very bland and boring, a little annoying sometimes. 

V Is really sexy but has a bit of a dark side, a lot like the letter S,

W Is a lot like M, only upside down. The only problem with him is that he just doesn't know his own worth. 

X Is hardly even a letter, it's a communication unto itself which is why it's hardly ever used. It marks the spot and also excludes it. It is one of those extremely weird people you secretly love, but also don't get half the time. 

Y is very sweet. She always makes projects complete by coming in at the very end, makes things sound funny and relatable but never asks for any credit and thanks. 

Z is a total slacker, smokes pot, never shows up on time. Fun to hang out with though. 

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by mandyjw