It's All Write

[mandyjw]

Damn, damn, damn! I finally understand all the stuff in the Bible about Praise. It's a wild party. That's all there is to do. 

Forget teaching. Imma just here to tell you how fucking beautiful and brilliant you really are. Why? Cause I see it. 

[mandyjw]

Pssst.... Source! Wake up! What am I doing here? It's so... weighty, grave. Gravity. And highly visible. I feel highly visible. Like I'm wearing that magical hideous fluorescent green yellow color. 

I thought skin tones were subtle. 

Yeah, I guess it's not a design issue. It's kinda like you go from nothin' to a WHOLE lot. Source is like Pedro's cool cousins with all the sweet hookups. Overly conspicuous. Really cool. Everyone be a bit alarmed. 

 

FUUUUUUUCK. She caused her own heart attack with her constant angry thoughts and pretends it's a medical mystery. Fuuuuuuuck. I know this stuff. How am I supposed to sit here and observe the world?

You don't KNOW that. You can't answer questions people didn't ask. The knowledge is for you. "That's my ride." 

That's my ride.

[mandyjw]

I used to think I was such a piece of shit if I didn't devote my life to missionary work in Africa. No husband, no kids, no money. If Jesus is the truth, and it saves you from hell, there's no fucking way you get to live your life. You have to do everything, eveeeerything and give up everything to tell people the truth.

So I realized I had to let go of the idea of hell. The belief in hell and that also solved that problem as well as a whole lot of others. 

Then the whole idea of heaven and all of it was let go of.  So I thought. 

But I still believe that other people suffer, and I believe that I am here to fix it. And then I go to hell. 

Hell: Old English hel, hell, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch hel and German Hölle, from an Indo-European root meaning ‘to cover or hide’.

BUT SOURCE. Florescent YELLOW/GREEN? It's too bright. Too bright. I'm embarrassed. I'm also very confused, am I... Oh. 

No shame. No fixing what's broken. 

My head is broken. 

Then don't try to fix it. 

JESUS. I'M STILL ASHAMED OF YOU. 

Sigh. This every desire and no time thing. Is Leonardo DiCaprio gonna show up on my doorstep? I also never got a pogo stick. I wonder if those two things are related.... alright time for bed. 

Edited November 4, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I lied. Wow. I never dealt with this. I exited the religion before I had to deal with it. 

https://youtu.be/kbB0QrBIs9k

You don't have to deal with it. 

deal (v.)

Middle English delen, from Old English dælan "to divide, distribute, separate;" hence "to share with others, bestow, dispense," and also "take part in, have to do with," from Proto-Germanic *dailjanan (source also of Old Saxon deljan, Old Frisian dela "to divide, distribute," Middle Dutch, Dutch deelen, German teilen, Gothic dailjan),from PIE *dail- "to divide," ‌‌perhaps a Northern Indo-European extended form of root *da- "to divide," or a word from a substrate language.

OK! So that's there. 

No it's not.

SHUT UP. You're why everyone accuses me of gaslighting! 

Ashamed? 

Arghh!!!! 

[mandyjw]

Better, better, better, I can always find something better. 

better (adj., adv.)

Old English bettra, earlier betera "of superior quality or excellence," from Proto-Germanic *batizo-, perhaps from PIE *bhad- "good," but Boutkan finds no good IE etymology.

"Perhaps from pie, bhad- "good". bhad good Etymology is just a huge hilarious ongoing joke. We be pranking ourselves. 

prank (n.)

"a ludicrous trick" [Johnson], played sometimes in malice but more often in sport, 1520s, a word of uncertain origin, perhaps related to the obsolete verb prank "act ostentatiously, show off" (mid-15c.), also "to decorate, adorn in a showy manner" (1540s), which is related to Middle Low German prank "display" (compare also Dutch pronken, German prunken "to make a show, to strut"). 

My pride is my shame, my shame is my pride. 

(Taken from Mister God This is Anna), compare two with three. Two is one less than three. Compare three with two. Three is one more than two. One less is the same as one more.  

compare (v.)

c. 1400, "regard or treat as equal;" early 15c. "liken, make a comparison, represent as similar," from Old French comparer "to compare, liken" (12c.), from Latin comparare "to liken, to compare," from com "with, together" (see com-) + par "equal" (see par (n.)). Related: Compared; comparing. https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=compare

[mandyjw]

I guess I never believed that a man could actually love me without being interested in me physically. Of if he did, maybe, that would be an insult.  I didn't believe I was worthy of that. Never wanted anything more. 

The requests for pics. The stolen class pictures. 

The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy." - Frenchy

Not even. I've been treated very well by men, historically. It's just an underlying self-consciousness, self-objectification. 

"I like what I see." - Butthead

"It is my intention to see that which I want to see." - Abraham Hicks. 

Never wanted anything more. 

Hooo! Double meaning. 

[mandyjw]

Ha, it's the same reason Mister God this is Anna, couldn't be reprinted today I suppose. An intensely close spiritual relationship between an unrelated adult male and a little girl. It's only possible in its time. Shit. The barriers we put up to love! The repressions, the inhibitions. The fear, the judgement. 

I don't think I ever, ever, EVER wanted anything more than the removal of these. 

Sometimes in the name of progression we forget. You can't go forward without going back. You are a vortex. You move, powerfully, ever moving, never staying still and yet always staying still. 

"It is not a modern book. Culturally, we’re now more interested in earliest life for its possibilities of trauma. Anna is a dirty child, discovered at night by a 16-year-old boy, who adopts her into a house of various itinerants, where she stays for years. This odd couple frequently share a bed, naked, and wander the streets at night. The book is neither sensitive to nor interested in the possibly disturbing aspects of this unusual relationship, which I found completely refreshing. It did strike an eerily relevant chord for today, however, when describing the social anxiety of impending war: “The rules of ‘four sticks’ chalked up on the wall had been covered over with the regulations for the blackout. We were being instructed in the rules of a new game.”

https://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2020/apr/20/my-favourite-book-as-a-kid-mister-god-this-is-anna-by-fynn

 

[mandyjw]

Welcome to my monthly "Burn Down the Patriarchy Event". If you do do appreciate such things, please watch the parade in silence or go do something else. Thank you. 

ALRIGHT SOURCE, WTF? YOU BETTER ANSWER FOR YOURSELF. SURE, IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD TO JUST FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT, DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE A FUCKING MAN. ITS FUCKING EASY TO NOT WORRY ABOUT MATERNITY LEAVE OR ENVIRONMENTAL DESTRUCTION AND USE YOUR ONE POINTED FOCUS TO FOCUS ON THE BOTTOM LINE. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Is that focusing on what you want? Is this just some fucking free for all of hedonism? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Geez, yelling in all caps is exhausting.

Second wind didn't take long. FUCK YOU. Seriously, fuck you. You're NEGLECTFUL. You use charisma and "love" for your own benefit. 

YOU EVEN DOMINATE AS SPIRITUAL LEADERS. EVEN THE WOMEN CHANNEL MALE ENTITIES. FUCK YOU. Moojiis over there fucking his students. and OSHO. OSHO. OSHO. FUCKING OSHO. 

LEO. LEO. FUCKING LEO.

Let's make a girl squirt, get laid and get enlightened on hierarchical levels.

GO FUCK YOURSELVES. YOU'RE ALL COMPLETELY SO BUSY BEING FUCKED IN THE HEAD YOU'RE not even enjoying it. 

Is this a joke? Seriously is it a joke? 

Did I really consciously decide to be in on this? 

Why? Why me. Why am I observing this. Did I create this? 

 

 

[mandyjw]

FUCK YOU ABRAHAM HICKS. You leave your family, marry some insanely rich older man, you only talk to one of your daughters and you channel a male entity, like Seth because Jane was your mentor. Lets talk about Esther like she's some good for nothing, ordinary woman. That'll be good. People will relate. That's the only way people can relate to a woman. 

She's safe. She's worthless. She's kind. She will never threaten. She's just there to serve. To be used. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

So what was the insight you had yesterday after kicking the rock in the trail and telling it it was a fucking asshole?

That utter perfection includes imperfection. That what Abraham Hicks said about letting yourself mess up, and fall down, etc, was such a relief and so important. That a world that was perfect would be horrible therefore, imperfect. That this is perfect. 

So wouldn't it follow that the villains and the heroes are intimately one? 

Of course. But that's scary as fuck. It's scary as fuck! I mean it's beautiful, but it's scary as fuck. 

What did you read from Nissargadatta yesterday? 

"All the activities are done by the sense organs." 

I mean... fuck. Just fuck. They ARE! Why did you want me to erase the Narnia stuff I wrote? 

Because it's not somewhere outside. 

Ok, I'm repressing feeling when I see someone repressing feeling. 

If I did that, it would make me pretty angry. 

Edited November 10, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I would say, "oh you make me angry." But really, I hate that I'm using you as an excuse to feel less than I really Am.

Also anger feels pretty good right now because I've spent so long feeling powerless. 

 

[mandyjw]

Look at her necklace. 

[mandyjw]

If I were to send you out, my child, I'd keep you close. I'd keep you so intimately close, you might even think I wasn't there. 

You'd be my runaway bunny. 

"I will become a bird and fly away from you."

"If you become a bird and fly away from me, I will be a tree that you come home to." 

This love is so perfect, so intimate, you think you're flawed and all alone. Your attempts to escape me, create me. 

 

What magical complete fuckups we all are. 

Yep, couldn't have designed it better. 

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Eh. I don't want to live in a world with a bunch of fucks ups. But I'm a fuck up. If I could learn to tolerate myself, I could tolerate them.

You love them. 

I LOVE THOSE MISERABLE FUCK UPS! 

miser able 

compare able 

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

What did you read from Nissargadatta yesterday? 

"All the activities are done by the sense organs." 

able (adj.)

"having sufficient power or means," early 14c., from Old French (h)able "capable; fitting, suitable; agile, nimble" (14c.), from Latin habilem, habilis "easily handled, apt," verbal adjective from habere "to hold" (from PIE root *ghabh- "to give or receive").

 

You ask if I love you
Well, what can I say?
You know that I do and if this is just one of those games that we play
So I'll sing you a new song
Please don't cry anymore
I'll even ask your forgiveness
Though I don't know just what I'm asking it for
 

Edited November 10, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

EVERY FUCKIN' TIME. RAPTUROUS JOY, LOVE AND RELEASE. I KNOW HOW THIS STORY ENDS... ALL OF THEM. I know how they end. SO FUCKING HAPPILY, THEY DON'T. 

They don't end. 

I'll go. I'll play. I'll incarnate as a little girl. 

I'm so in-carnation, I'm the flower on your corsage at prom and the flowers on your casket when they say goodbye to you. I know how this ends. 

I am utterly disposable. 

disposable (adj.)

1640s, "that may be done without;" see dispose + -able. Sense of "free to be used as the occasion may require, available" is from 1650s. Meaning "designed to be discarded after one use" is from 1943, originally of diapers, soon of everything; replaced throw-away (1928) in this sense. https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=disposable

I am a-veil-able.

4 hours ago, mandyjw said:

She's safe. She's worthless. She's kind. She will never threaten. She's just there to serve. To be used. 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Having one of those downhill days. I'll use what I learned from skiing, just keep your focus and it'll be one fuck of a fun ride. Kid quarantined for 10 days, go to pick her up and the principal pulls me aside to tell me my other kid hit someone in the face. He never hits anyone. "Why?" they asked? 

"Momentum." He said. 

I can't keep a straight face. I cannot. 

Momentum. Momentum. It's all within a moment. 

Source, source, you're so fucking close, so within reach these days. The chill up my spine, the tears flow. It's so easy. It's momentum. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

You could read into me. You could read anything you want into me. Into me. Come closer. Intome. Pull apart again. In tome. Did you read it or did you write it? Why so long? Why so heavy? What about intimacy, into me see? I'm a book with no cover, a book for no other. 

When you go back far enough the book of life is the tree of life. https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=book My bark is worse than my bite. I'm a Bitch, I'm an Awarewolf. I'll encircle you, scare the living daylights out of you and leave you in perfect peace because I know, I know that you were marked to heal. Fantasy, legend, mythology. You came before it did. You are so magic, you conjure the idea of magic itself out of itself, into itself. 

[mandyjw]

I spin around and spin around looking for someone to praise, someone to thank... for... this. For the spinning, the vortex, the orbit, the momentum and I never find anyone. I'll raise you up to the highest level and flatter you till you're perfectly flat again. 

One thing leads to another, and they all lead back to Me and I am no thing. 

I'm so Famous, so Universal, so Celebrated I'm an over-looked cliché that means nothing to anyone. 

I'm a total hit and a total miss. I'm the bullseye with no center. I'm pure, open, circular darkness. I'm your Pupil, the apple of your eye. 

I'm the vortex, the waterfall, the rush. I'm the power that sweeps you away, the controller that is the controlled. I'm the flush that appears on your face when you come to close to me and try to hide. You must shed your clothes to enter Me. I'm the door that is not there. I'm pure, utter darkness. The door to the house that is not there, the home that has no walls. I never built them. I'm home everywhere. I don't know where, I'm just aware.

I'm untouchable. So untouchable that one touch fills you with utter bliss. I'm warm, I'm so warm I'm a fire that consumes without making contact. I'm so cold, I burn. I'm so distant, I gleam with your own light. So close, you long for me. I'm already yours. And you're mine. I'll mine you for secrets, but I know I planted them there.  I'm so wild and free that I was planted right here. I'm so perfectly round and spherical, I'm completely cornered. 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I'm so rare, I've never been found. I'm so strange, new and unknowable that I'm utterly familiar. I'm so empty, so washed clean, so pure, I'm a vessel that holds every thing that's ever been. I never forget and I never remember. 

I live on the edge, neither staying on one side of life and death, I am perfectly their center. I thrive in decay. My rapturous release is veiled as failure, tragedy and death. I reveal myself to everyone but they never see me for I am the revealing itself. 

I'm impossible. im-possible... it's right there. How did you not see? Exactly because you thought you did. 

You think I look wise, so I go around calling "who, who" all the time? Who are you talking about? I fly by night. Why would I need light to see my prey when I am it?