Constant Triggered Thoughts/feelings ͽ

[laurastarla]

I had a sort of traumatic experience that got me started hard core on the actualized path.  After ten months I still have triggered thoughts that lead to suffering. Reminders everywhere, when I see one of these things, like the name of a place for example, a memory comes up and the painful emotion surfaces. I notice the thought, recognize that it’s just a thought, feel the feeling and allow it, let it pass…. It has gotten better. But still every day I would say this happens 15 times, and this event is ever present with me.  This is a long time to be obsessed about the past. Whenever I see a trigger I’m like dammit, now I’m going to think about this for 5 minutes and have to practice awareness on it AGAIN, feel the feelings again, and this is not even real and not even happening anymore and holding me back from living now! Then I recognize I’m angry at the thought and the trigger for coming into my awareness, so I become aware of that, still myself around it and let it be, just for it to happen again 15 minutes later. Sometimes I laugh because it's so freaking ridiculous. So that you don’t suggest what I’m already doing, I’ve been diligently practicing:

Awareness/presence when the triggered thought occurs

Noticing resistance to the thought

Recognizing that it’s all an illusion and just a story I keep telling myself that I believe is real, unraveling that lie  

Seeing how my ego has created this

Knowing I am not the thoughts and can’t control them

Feeling, observing and allowing the feelings

Exploring the ‘I’that wants relief and is impatient, self inquiry

Putting in check victim identity and taking responsibility

Trying not to be hard on myself and loving what is, integrating the shadow – Matt Khan

Watching and disidentifying with the pain body - Eckhart 

Asking who I would be without the thought and the ‘work’ of Katie Byron

Patience (hard, the more time passes the more I feel I am so low conscious despite so much work

40 mins daily meditation

Something is not working, I must have a blind spot, can you point it out so I can unblind myself? Is it that I enjoy suffering or don’t really want to be happy like Leo said in a video? How do I get out of this ego mind funk and finally KNOW and FEEL and BELIEVE that these triggers don't mean anything and so don't have to be annoying? Because if awareness alone is curative it sure does take its sweet time! And if you have any similar story would love to hear it. Thank you for any insight!

Edited October 16, 2016 by laurastarla

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, laurastarla said:

I had a sort of traumatic experience that got me started hard core on the actualized path.  After ten months I still have triggered thoughts that lead to suffering. Reminders everywhere, when I see one of these things, like the name of a place for example, a memory comes up and the painful emotion surfaces. I notice the thought, recognize that it’s just a thought, feel the feeling and allow it, let it pass…. It has gotten better. But still every day I would say this happens 15 times, and this event is ever present with me.  This is a long time to be obsessed about the past. Whenever I see a trigger I’m like dammit, now I’m going to think about this for 5 minutes and have to practice awareness on it AGAIN, feel the feelings again, and this is not even real and not even happening anymore and holding me back from living now! Then I recognize I’m angry at the thought and the trigger for coming into my awareness, so I become aware of that, still myself around it and let it be, just for it to happen again 15 minutes later. Sometimes I laugh because it's so freaking ridiculous. So that you don’t suggest what I’m already doing, I’ve been diligently practicing:

Awareness/presence when the triggered thought occurs

Noticing resistance to the thought

Recognizing that it’s all an illusion and just a story I keep telling myself that I believe is real, unraveling that lie  

Seeing how my ego has created this

Knowing I am not the thoughts and can’t control them

Feeling, observing and allowing the feelings

Exploring the ‘I’that wants relief and is impatient, self inquiry

Putting in check victim identity and taking responsibility

Trying not to be hard on myself and loving what is, integrating the shadow – Matt Khan

Watching and disidentifying with the pain body - Eckhart 

Asking who I would be without the thought and the ‘work’ of Katie Byron

Patience (hard, the more time passes the more I feel I am so low conscious despite so much work

40 mins daily meditation

Something is not working, I must have a blind spot, can you point it out so I can unblind myself? Is it that I enjoy suffering or don’t really want to be happy like Leo said in a video? How do I get out of this ego mind funk and finally KNOW and FEEL and BELIEVE that these triggers don't mean anything and so don't have to be annoying? Because if awareness alone is curative it sure does take its sweet time! And if you have any similar story would love to hear it. Thank you for any insight!

Maybe you feel like your attachment to this trigger is going to benefit you in some way, so it's hard to let go of. Like you're going to be able to "figure it out" one day and everything will be miraculously better and there will be some emotional payoff or feeling of redemption. Or maybe that you'll get better of the person, or group of people, who wronged you and get to feel redemption through that scenario playing out. Or perhaps you can't accept the way that society is that enables these types of things to happen. Maybe you want reality to be so that these things can never happen, which is valid to an extent but you will never have this problem solved this way.

Also, if you do all these processes in hopes of making things better or different, that part of yourself feels judged and will resist because it's not being given unconditional love and acceptance. Like if you're becoming aware of these aspects of yourself in hopes that they will change, then this is not unconditional love and acceptance. But if you're becoming aware of these aspects of yourself simply to be aware of them, then you can learn to accept them. But you have to first become aware of your desire to change yourself and to be able to even make space and accept this desire to change unconditionally. 

Edited October 16, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[cetus]

1 hour ago, laurastarla said:

I had a sort of traumatic experience that got me started hard core on the actualized path

Your saying that the path you follow today is in response to something traumatic that happened in the past, " it got you started hard core" as if it's a vendetta of some kind. Maybe a fresh approach on this would be beneficial. It is a new day, right?

1 hour ago, laurastarla said:

After ten months I still have triggered thoughts that lead to suffering. Reminders everywhere,

You are placing the memory of something on the outside world by association. The fact is your holding these thoughts inside just under the surface. In other words, your mind is looking for every excuse or "trigger" to bring this event back to the surface. It could be happening during sleep too even though you may not recall it.

 

 

1 hour ago, laurastarla said:

Sometimes I laugh because it's so freaking ridiculous.

 Sweet! Painful memories only have the power you give to them. I don't know what the traumatic event was or how severe, but I will say that 10 months is not that long. Time does heal all wounds -if you allow it. Also, compassion. Compassion for the traumatic event and compassion for all involved starting from within yourself. Have you ever done self enquiry on this? Maybe ask yourself-Why am I angry about this? What exactly about this event makes me angry? Why do I hold on to it? You could totally turn this all around into something positive by using this event as a teaching tool on how to handle similar events in the future. Best of luck to you!

Edited October 16, 2016 by cetus56

[WelcometoReality]

@laurastarla I get the sense that all these techniques are used to trying to control all these thoughts and emotions. Why? Are there fear of letting go of the control, because you fear that these emotions will hurt you? Fear of not being able to handle them if you let them arise and fall on there own? Maybe a hope to be able to transcend them without having to deal with them?

Skip those techniques and try just be aware of the thoughts and emotions that come up and look for any type of control. Drop that intention to control if it arises.

[laurastarla]

You guys all hit it 2 blind spots- I'm doing all these things trying to control them, my real goal is to stop the thoughts, so even though I think I'm observing & allowing them,  I'm really resisting them still. And there is a kind of vendetta/punishment thing I'm getting from it that keeps me attached to this happening. So I'm going to start focusing more on the letting go of control. Thank you for taking the time to show me what you saw it really helps!

[Falk]

8 hours ago, laurastarla said:

I had a sort of traumatic experience that got me started hard core on the actualized path.  After ten months I still have triggered thoughts that lead to suffering. Reminders everywhere, when I see one of these things, like the name of a place for example, a memory comes up and the painful emotion surfaces. I notice the thought, recognize that it’s just a thought, feel the feeling and allow it, let it pass…. It has gotten better. But still every day I would say this happens 15 times, and this event is ever present with me.  This is a long time to be obsessed about the past. Whenever I see a trigger I’m like dammit, now I’m going to think about this for 5 minutes and have to practice awareness on it AGAIN, feel the feelings again, and this is not even real and not even happening anymore and holding me back from living now! Then I recognize I’m angry at the thought and the trigger for coming into my awareness, so I become aware of that, still myself around it and let it be, just for it to happen again 15 minutes later. Sometimes I laugh because it's so freaking ridiculous. So that you don’t suggest what I’m already doing, I’ve been diligently practicing:

Awareness/presence when the triggered thought occurs

Noticing resistance to the thought

Recognizing that it’s all an illusion and just a story I keep telling myself that I believe is real, unraveling that lie  

Seeing how my ego has created this

Knowing I am not the thoughts and can’t control them

Feeling, observing and allowing the feelings

Exploring the ‘I’that wants relief and is impatient, self inquiry

Putting in check victim identity and taking responsibility

Trying not to be hard on myself and loving what is, integrating the shadow – Matt Khan

Watching and disidentifying with the pain body - Eckhart 

Asking who I would be without the thought and the ‘work’ of Katie Byron

Patience (hard, the more time passes the more I feel I am so low conscious despite so much work

40 mins daily meditation

Something is not working, I must have a blind spot, can you point it out so I can unblind myself? Is it that I enjoy suffering or don’t really want to be happy like Leo said in a video? How do I get out of this ego mind funk and finally KNOW and FEEL and BELIEVE that these triggers don't mean anything and so don't have to be annoying? Because if awareness alone is curative it sure does take its sweet time! And if you have any similar story would love to hear it. Thank you for any insight!

First of all ...10month you dedicated to actualize yourself and become more aware ... so that´s already a good thing.

Chances are , if you hadn´t done this in the past 10month it could have lead to some horrible decisions you might regret in say...5years when you look back ... so this is a positive thing. very traumatizing events can stay with us for a long time, but it will get better and better ...

Also i can relate a bit, i often found myself spending time in the present thinking about the past or future ... (oh man! what if i only did this! 5years ago, what if i didn´t make that mistake, what if this accident wouldn´t have happend to me 10years ago, ... or ... in the future i will be rich and THEN i will be happy, when i have sex with a 10 then i will be happy , when i´m married and have a beautful wife and 4 happy children and a house THEN i will be happy ...) 

[Esoteric]

@laurastarla Shinzen Young has an audio book entitled "Break through difficult emotions". For me it was quite an eye-opener.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Esoteric