grow of concioussness and ego backlashes

[AdamR95]

I improved my levels of concioussness during last two years, but my behaviour are mostly stuck in old ways and i am in a phase in life where i am hyperaware of how full of shit my ego and my behaviour is and this drives me crazy. I am aware of my addictions and manipulations and attachments and so on. I have mood swings and sometimes laugh about how funny i am, how there is nothing to achive and so on, how i am stuck in chasing my tail looking for happynies and i am aware of the absurdity of looking for happynies but i am still stuck in this chasing for happynies, i am trying to improve my self but at the same time seeing absurdity of whole situation. I am aware of how stuck in thinking i am, how stupid i am, how selfish i am, how robotic i am. I see i have a lot of work to do but at the same time see how it is pointless. I am going throught ego backlash after backlash and so on. I am stuck in loop of desiring to not desire. And i am aware how i write this post just because i am bored. lol