My bf has herpes type 2

[somegirl]

6 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Doctors I've talked to don't consider that a serious risk. I agree it looks scary when you read about it.

I guess that's why when we asked our doctors they didn't tell us about this, probably because they taught, yes there is a risk, but not a significant one (talking about viral asymptomatic shedding). I'm just assuming, I don't know who to believe lol. Most people on the internet are saying that it's guarantee that the other person will eventually get it, whether they use condoms and avoid active breakout episodes, or not. 
 

10 minutes ago, flowboy said:

In real life: have never had someone make a big deal out of it. Reactions range from "Thanks for telling me I guess" to "Come on, just fuck me". Excuse my french.

On the internet: well...

I'm glad that people reacted this way

 

[flowboy]

36 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

What are the chances of transmission during a long term relationship lasting years? 

 

I don't know. Better ask a doctor. I don't think the "you'll eventually get it" position is necessarily true, because the virus content does decrease in the body as your immune system gets it more and more under control each season. So the longer ago the original infection is, and also the healthier the person's immune system, the smaller the chance of transmission, is what I would say. But again, I didn't go to med school.

Edited March 13, 2021 by flowboy

[Leo Gura]

On 3/12/2021 at 3:08 AM, somegirl said:

Well, okay... Thanks for your view. I need to ask though, by that kind of thinking, he is obviously done with dating for the rest of his life then?

He could date girls who also have it.

Quote

Since he got it, it's a lifelong condition that will keep reaccuring whenever his immunosystem is compromised.

Yes, I understand that.

Quote

Is that really the humane way we should go about with these people? Just ditch them?

Well, I understand your point. It's a sad situation. But also, is it really humane for him to infect you and other girls with it?

Be careful with "idiot compassion". I know you have developed a soft spot for him, you love him, etc. But remember, romantic love tends to be a fickle thing. Chances are your relationship with him with end anyway in the next 5-10 years for other reasons. And then you'll be left single with herpes. That is not a good situation to put yourself in.

Don't be so compassionate that you nail yourself to a cross. Also consider your own well-being. In fact, your health is more important than his desire for sex. At least it should be from your POV.

Ditching him sounds harsh. But him knowingly giving you herpes sounds harsher.

I understand you find yourself in an impossible situation. But nevertheless I think you should have higher standards and move on, as harsh as that sounds. He will understand. It's not like you're being a jerk here. You have the most legit reason ever for breaking a relationship. If you can't break a relationship over this, when can you?

A healthy relationship should not involve you taking a bullet for him.

What is your age? It would help to know that.

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

Just know that it doesn't necessarily make you safe. Sleeping with the average guy who's been "around town" but doesn't test himself for all the known STDs, is more dangerous than sleeping with your current guy if he does test himself for all the other things that are more dangerous.

This is nonsense.

Sleeping with a guy who you definitely know has an STD is way more risking than sleeping with a random guy who has a tiny chance of having it.

You are talking about 100% vs 10-20%. Anything is better than 100%. And you should not be fucking randos without a condom regardless. It's not like just because you've fucked a guy 20 times yet he has an STD, that the odds of you getting it diminish.

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

Not every decision in the relationship space is a strategic one. You can try to decide with your mind instead of your heart,

Not every decision should be strategic, BUT that does not mean to be a fool and throw strategy out the window. In this very specific and serious situation strategy over heart is the proper method. The heart easily fools with idiot compassion, especially once you're in love.

Quote

and objectify the fuck out of people

This case has nothing to do with objectifying people. Her getting herpes is a serious issue and the heart will not solve it.

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

In the US, 1 of every 4 women has HSV-2, and one in every 5 men.

I call total BS on your stats. This is definitely untrue by orders of magnitude.

Provide your sources.

[Loba]

@flowboy Honestly, I relate to everything you said.  I'm sorry I stigmatized you.  I have... herpes of the soul and it's going through a flare-up and I do have underlying health anxiety.  When I wrote what I said, I did not even think about people that would have it - my train of thought was how I would morally feel in this situation if I had a STD and , and as I was typing out my answers, a little voice in the back of my head says to me: 

"You have soul herpes... did you know?"

Yes, I know!   
I was also imagining,honestly,  what would happen in the absolute worst case scenario - of her catching it, and the relationship not working out and then future opportunities missed - and this person sounds very empathetic and so I was thinking, "That makes it way worse if the outcome ends up completely not in her favour."

The thing is, I have read some of your stuff here and you don't seem like someone whos flaws outweigh the negative (it is that situational for sure.) - and so if this woman was mentioning a similar guy as you, and somehow there was the inherent knowledge of that beforehand, then my judgement would be different and so would what I write, but due to not really knowing anything about who she is dating, I went with the worst case outcome as the most honest advice.

What was coming to mind for me, viscerally, was dealing with a similar situation in the past and it being sketchy because of the dishonesty.

I got an STD once in my early 20's, it was something that antibiotics could cure.  It was shocking because I don't really sleep around much, and I had just started trying to be more sexually open, and I knew all of the people quite well, - not strangers, and none of them was honest about it - I had to call people and tell them - it was really... not a fun experience.

[voxun]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 

I call total BS on your stats. This is definitely untrue by orders of magnitude.

Provide your sources.

I dont know how correct these stats.

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus

But its a lot for sure. 

[flowboy]

6 hours ago, Loba said:

"You have soul herpes... did you know?"

Yes, I know!   

So do I...

I think it's curable though.

6 hours ago, Loba said:

The thing is, I have read some of your stuff here and you don't seem like someone whos flaws outweigh the negative (it is that situational for sure.) - and so if this woman was mentioning a similar guy as you, and somehow there was the inherent knowledge of that beforehand, then my judgement would be different and so would what I write, but due to not really knowing anything about who she is dating, I went with the worst case outcome as the most honest advice.

That's one of the nicest things an internet person has ever said to me

Not sure I deserve it. I'm not that great. For example, reading this thread made me remember that I didn't even tell everyone who I slept with. I didn't hide it, and very often it would naturally come up in conversations and I'd be upfront about it. And it was never made a big deal out of.

But the thing is, people should make their own choice whether to make a big deal or not, whether to accept that risk, tiny or not. Before they sleep with me. And so what I should have been doing was declare it beforehand, put a warning label on myself.

Yes, my doctor told me it's unlikely to be spread by me, and they told me whether I tell people about it is my business.

But I made the choice then to go with that, and assume I'm clean, because it's much less painful than being a forever-dirty person.

And so I could defer to authority in my mind, not listening to a voice that may have been there in the beginning, to not get soul herpes.

I can't have this karma anymore though. I just told 7 people who I could think of that I didn't tell, or maybe didn't tell. So far, the reactions haven't been favorable. Most of whom are my good friends now. And I can't lie to my friends, so this just proves how much I deceived myself / wasn't conscious. That doesn't mean it's okay.

But yeah. The people I told, didn't make a big deal, so I never felt bad or wrong. Until I read this topic. So thank you guys?? The growth, although painful, is appreciated.

 

Update: just got another reaction: "Thanks for telling me, but I was already aware of your small contagion risk, and I thought it was worth it."
And another who tests for everything, doesn't remember if I told her, and is not mad at all.

❤

Okay. So it's really not black and white. Depends on how people react to it. I'm going to be upfront and explicit from now on, and stop obsessing over this and punishing myself now.

Edited March 14, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

@somegirl  Perhaps it's an idea to imagine the same situation, but with oral herpes. Those people simply have to not kiss for a month sometimes. The reason I say that is that it's very similar, but there is less stigma and shame around it, because it's not on the genitals.

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, voxun said:

I dont know how correct these stats.

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus

But its a lot for sure. 

50% of people have herpes? This sounds absurd to me. This cannot be true.

[voxun]

7 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

50% of people have herpes? This sounds absurd to me. This cannot be true.

https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stats.htm

 

From what I understand most people who get it never get any symptoms. I have no idea how they can accurately come up with these stats though. 

 

My 2 cents if you happen to get herpes there is no cure for it but if you live healthy, exercise a little it will rarely affect your health. So you can use it to improve your life

The hardest part is getting over all the mental stories about it. 

[docs20]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

50% of people have herpes? This sounds absurd to me. This cannot be true.

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db304.htm#:~:text=During 2015–2016%2C prevalence of,higher among females than males.

15% for HSV-2 which is the more related to genital herpes, 50% for HSV-1 the oral one.

Some data here and there say that these percentages are underestimated

Edited March 14, 2021 by docs20

[somegirl]

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Ditching him sounds harsh. But him knowingly giving you herpes sounds harsher.

Yes. That's when one assumes or knows that it's absolutely going to happen no matter how careful you are with other person. That I will absolutely get it in the future no matter whether he takes medication, we use protection and avoid active breakouts, or not. I assumed you know what you're talking about regarding Herpes 2 and how it works.

I don't know anymore how it works. One says one thing (we shouldn't worry and nothing bad will happen to me) the other says the other (you will absolutely get it sooner or later).

But one thing is for sure - I don't want to test on myself to see if people of the internet or my doctors (who say it's not a big deal, essentially) are right. It seems like a big risk I don't want to take. Why would I test it on myself to see.

And I feel bad for leaving him stranded. I really do... It's terrible.

It's like him getting injured in a war and me leaving him because he has lost one leg. (I understand that in this case, thing is obviously contagious so it's different than losing a leg).
 

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

A healthy relationship should not involve you taking a bullet for him.

Yeah... Shitty situation indeed.

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

What is your age? It would help to know that.

I'm 21.

Edited March 14, 2021 by somegirl

[Leo Gura]

@somegirl If you plan to stay with him for years, I would assume you will get it, even if you are careful. Condoms break, slip, stuff leaks out, etc. It is foolish to expect all those stars to align for years and years. You've already rolled the dice many times and at some point you will roll snake eyes. Its just a matter of time.

Given your age, everything I said is twice as relevant because at your age there's little chance you'll stay with him forever, even if there was no STD issue. You have to be realistic that relationships at that age are immature and tend to fizzle out rather quickly. Maybe if you were 40 years old and had no other options and you wanted to finally settle down you might have a case to make. But at 21?

And living with herpes for the rest of your life from age 22 onward is really a bummer. The bulk of your sexual life is all ahead of you. Your prime years are 20-35. Don't squander it.

[Lyubov]

worrying about herpes lol

let it go

time to stop stigmatizing what is essentially harmless red bumps. 

[somegirl]

@Leo Gura Alright. Makes sense when explained.
Hope he will forgive me...

[flowboy]

23 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

worrying about herpes lol

let it go

time to stop stigmatizing what is essentially harmless red bumps. 

Great video ? thanks for sharing