My bf has herpes type 2

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, somegirl said:

Guys, how would you feel if someone left you because of it? Honest answers please 

It's context dependent. 

If I was on a first date with someone and she left after I told her I had HSV-2, I would feel disappointed, rejected and perhaps frustrated about how hard it is to date. Yet there is no relationship loss since it is a first date and I would not feel animosity toward her. I would understand her position and wish her the best. It's not her responsibility to give me a sexual relationship and take care of my feelings. Even if my feeling were hurt, I would much rather her tell me early on, rather than string me along for months or years. 

If I was married to someone for 20 years and had three kids and a home together, it's a totally different context.  If I noticed a blister, got tested and was shocked to find out I had been asymptomatically carrying HSV-2 and then  the woman I love and created a life with left me over it, I would be devastated. 

To me, the question is how deeply entangled you two are and your level of commitment. 

As well, I would also consider how I first found out. If I had been sleeping with someone and then they told me they had HSV-2, that would be a major character flaw in my book. That would be a deal-breaker - and not just for the STD. Withholding that information reflects a deep character flaw that will reappear over and over again in a long-term relationship. It would be worse than someone not telling me they were married with children.. . . And if they told me they had HSV-2 before our first sexual contact, that would also be a deal-breaker. .  . If I said "OK, let's use a condom and only have sex when you are asymptomatic", I would need to be 100% clear that I am only interested in short-term dating. Yet this still opens the possibility of becoming entangled, which makes it much harder to dis-entangle. . .  If they told me they were HSV-2+ before our first sexual contact and I gave them the impression that I can live with it and I'm open to a long-term relationship, then I am opening a deeper level of commitment and I now carry more responsibility. 

Problems occur when people are not clear within themself and with their partner. 

I'm not saying to leave or stay. Yet I would give serious contemplation to whether I want to be in a long-term committed relationship with the person and an honest look at how likely that is to happen. For me, the over/under for someone with HSV-2 would be 10 years. If my honest answer is that I don't know or it's unlikely, then I would not engage in a short-term relationship. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. 

The reason I can be clear about this is because I am not entangled in the relationship. If I was immersed in the relationship, it would alter my perception. I've gotten emotionally involved with women to the point it became unhealthy. Yet I wasn't able to see this until I was able to disengage and see it from a detached view. That is why it's super valuable to have good friends that can tell us things that is hard to look at. 

[somegirl]

@Forestluv Well, the way it happened for us is the following... 
He didn't know he had it (even though he had blisters before meeting me but discard it since it passed quickly, he said) and he never told me he had those blisters ever, and then we were sleeping together using protection and then since I was feeling uncomfortable with sex (I was unable to enjoy sex, I had mental blockages and worries that something is not right ) I asked him has he ever tested himself and he told me no, and then I asked him to take a test and that's when breakout happened and doctors confirmed it was HSV-2.
Then I got worried (even though we were using protection) and tested myself and I was negative thankfully. Doctors told us that everything is fine and we should keep using protection and avoid having intercourse when breakout appears. They told us transmission is not possible when there is no breakouts.
But people on the internet have a different view on it which made me worry... They say that it's the matter of time when you get it, which is a different from what our doctors have said. If it's the matter of time I'm not sure am I willing to take a risk. Even though I just feel terrible for him. I do.

[somegirl]

He is otherwise very caring towards me, and he felt bad that this all happened. That he put me through worry. I was feeling terrible but so was he. Then doctors kinda reassured us that we should be fine as long as we use preservative but I still have worries. 

[Username]

I feel it would be a crime not to post it here..

 

@somegirl  Enough entertainment. Realize whoever is going to be your future husband is going to have herpes. I think it's a good time evaluate this relationship. At this time you are about to make lifelong decision and it is not just about your health.

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

Doctors told us that everything is fine and we should keep using protection and avoid having intercourse when breakout appears. They told us transmission is not possible when there is no breakouts.

But people on the internet have a different view on it which made me worry... They say that it's the matter of time when you get it,

Then I would find a new doctor.

Studies have shown asymptomatic shedding occurs on about 10% of days. So even if there are no lesions, there is about a 10% chance of viral shedding. Even if a couple only has sex during asymptomatic days and condoms knock the risk down by 95%, there might be a 0.5% chance of transmittance per sexual encounter. That sounds super low, yet it means that a couple having sex 1-2x per week will likely transmit within a couple years. That’s why internet people are saying it’s a matter of time.

Also keep in mind that hsv2 can be transmitted from genital to oral during oral sex. hsv2 prefers genital (hsv1 prefers oral). People with oral hsv2 are generally asymptomatic through life, or have infrequent oral sores. 

You also mentioned that you tested negative for hsv2. Did they also test for hsv1? About 50% of people are hsv1+ and would have partial immunity to hsv2. So that would reduce the risk as well. 

[Preety_India]

 

 

I mean someone can always tell me that I'm uneducated on this disease. 

 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Preety_India

[somegirl]

10 hours ago, Forestluv said:

Then I would find a new doctor.

Studies have shown asymptomatic shedding occurs on about 10% of days. So even if there are no lesions, there is about a 10% chance of viral shedding. Even if a couple only has sex during asymptomatic days and condoms knock the risk down by 95%, there might be a 0.5% chance of transmittance per sexual encounter. That sounds super low, yet it means that a couple having sex 1-2x per week will likely transmit within a couple years. That’s why internet people are saying it’s a matter of time.

Also keep in mind that hsv2 can be transmitted from genital to oral during oral sex. hsv2 prefers genital (hsv1 prefers oral). People with oral hsv2 are generally asymptomatic through life, or have infrequent oral sores. 

You also mentioned that you tested negative for hsv2. Did they also test for hsv1? About 50% of people are hsv1+ and would have partial immunity to hsv2. So that would reduce the risk as well. 

See, this makes me so confused. Because on one hand, I talked to a professional, but on another there's someone telling me doctors telling me those informations are not reliable. 
Besides that, as I asked Leo, do you think then these people are just done with dating in general? Because they will ALL pass it on another person no matter how hard they tried to protect themselves, it's just doomed to happen. Is this what you're saying? 
 

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, somegirl said:

See, this makes me so confused. Because on one hand, I talked to a professional, but on another there's someone telling me doctors telling me those informations are not reliable. 
Besides that, as I asked Leo, do you think then these people are just done with dating in general? Because they will ALL pass it on another person no matter how hard they tried to protect themselves, it's just doomed to happen. Is this what you're saying? 
 

There are things that we cannot fix for some people. Nobody should give a pity fuck because it's just that - a pity fuck. 

There are many guys who tell me that they would commit suicide if I didn't sleep with them. Should I sleep with them because they might die if I didn't? 

We are not responsible for someone's lack of things that puts them out of the dating circle 

Do people deserve to get herpes just because people with the disease need someone to sleep with?

This rationale is highly illogical. 

If they can't date anymore, it's definitely an issue, but we can't fix it, and absolutely cannot fix it by dating them. 

Maybe the solution would be for science to find better ways to prevent the spread of herpes. 

At least till such a solution is found, there is no option but to stay celibate. 

And let's not say life is all about romance. Some people are happy being celibate and there are so many things to find beauty in other than romance. 

He can find happiness in other ways. 

There is also something called as coping with life circumstances that he will learn some excellent insights from. 

Life can be beautiful even without sex and romance.

There is no stigmatizing of those infected. Simply a question of personal safety. 

Of course we should be open to dating anyone, but equally open to our own safety. 

 

[Keyhole]

@somegirl Of course not, there are a lot of people with the same STD.  It's not rare or deadly.

[intotheblack]

A quick google search and I found this: 

 

“Transmission

HSV-2 is mainly transmitted during sex, through contact with genital surfaces, skin, sores or fluids of someone infected with the virus. HSV-2 can be transmitted from skin in the genital or anal area that looks normal and is often transmitted in the absence of symptoms.” 
 

also: 

“More women are infected with HSV-2 than men; in 2016 it was estimated that 313 million women and 178 million men were living with the infection. This is because sexual transmission of HSV is more efficient from men to women than from women to men.”

Source: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus

 

sounds very risky! 

Edited March 13, 2021 by intotheblack

[mandyjw]

@somegirl One of the strangest things about looking up medical conditions online is that very often the more you read the more confusing it gets. As hard as we try to logically do the right thing and make the right decision, sometimes (ok, in my opinion most all the time) your gut feeling and intuition is more accurate and knows what is really best for you. Almost anytime anyone gives you advice they have something at stake, they want to protect themselves, promote themselves, the feel they must go along with preexisting guidelines they have to abide by, they simply want to avoid causing harm, or are going on their own biased values and limited experiences, etc. 

You know what's best. Try your best to line up with whatever you decide and line up and connect with yourself (not other people's opinions) to make a decision. Don't stay with him and be terrified of sex with him, and don't leave him and guilt yourself for it. Funny thing is, immunity itself is a sort of inner, lining up with what the body knows is best for it. So regardless of the decision or whether you come to a decision at all, that's what I'd do. 

[flowboy]

@somegirl  If people on the internet can talk you out of your relationship, you shouldn't be in it.

You'll be fine either way.

Herpes is annoying but not dangerous. If you take care of your health, the symptoms stay away. The worst part of it is actually how people like these react to the idea of it.

Of course you are free to want no part of it. You have no social obligation to stay in the relationship if you don't want to be around someone who has that.

Just know that it doesn't necessarily make you safe. Sleeping with the average guy who's been "around town" but doesn't test himself for all the known STDs, is more dangerous than sleeping with your current guy if he does test himself for all the other things that are more dangerous.

So whatever you decide, if you care about safety, consider taking a full STD panel every 3-6 months, depending on your activity. It's a good health habit to have. Also ask if your bedpartners do that. And pay attention to what they actually test! In the Netherlands, where I live, they don't even test you for HIV if you ask the doctor to. Only chlamydia, gonorrea and syphilis. But there's many more. You have to jump through hoops to get that the other tests.

 

@Leo Gura

On 12/03/2021 at 2:32 AM, Leo Gura said:

Why are you sleeping with him? Sorry, you don't want to hear it, but that is not a wise move.

Not every decision in the relationship space is a strategic one. You can try to decide with your mind instead of your heart, and objectify the fuck out of people, but it won't bring your heart happiness. I tried. You tried, too. Or did you already forget the long list of requirements you put in your vacancy-for-leo's-girlfriend? How tall, perfect shape of the body, she must have characteristic X and not Y, and score Z on the consciousness scale.

How's that working out for ya?

 

To all the people being so wonderfully judgmental and finger-pointy?:

@Leo Gura @Keyhole @Preety_India

In the US, 1 of every 4 women has HSV-2, and one in every 5 men. 80% are asymptomatic.

What that means is, while you are so busy proclaiming to stay away from these "dirty" people, there is a good chance that you ARE one.

Have you ever been tested for herpes? Probably not. Why would you, if you are asymptomatic?

And while we're at it, you so-called "clean" people, who say they care about their health so much... when was your last full STD panel?

Have you been tested for Human Papilloma Virus for example? I bet you haven't. This is a much more serious virus that a LOT of men and women have, and are transmitting to each other constantly, again most being asymptomatic, and it actually causes ovarian cancer.

Have you been tested for hepatitis?

Have you been tested recently for mycoplasma genitalium?

 

I could go on. The point is, you're claiming to care so much about health, while actually it is not health that makes you react like this. Herpes is harmless in healthy people. That's why so many people have it and not know.

The real reason is because you don't want to feel the shame and stigma that you're now putting upon others, to make yourself feel clean. You are reacting out of fear of something that you yourself are creating.

 

Yes, you guessed it. I have herpes. Since I got diagnosed I had three or four flare-ups, then it stayed away. Since I knew what it was, I've been diligent and responsible about it, and haven't given it to anyone. It's been asymptomatic for over 2 years now. I've even thought I got it again, twice since, and went to the doctor to check it out. Refused sex until I knew what it was. And each time it was just a skin lesion due to shaving or whatever.

 

There, I said my piece. Just had to get this off my herpes ridden chest. Now cast me outside of the city wall, banish me with the other lepers so the rest of you can wash your hands off me and feel clean.

Edited March 13, 2021 by flowboy

[Preety_India]

@flowboy  I'm not into shaming and stigmatizing and I've not a single clue about American statistics.. I spoke purely from personal safety standards. 

I've no STDs because none of my partners had STDs since I'm very careful about such things. I always screen myself and do all the blood work at least once in 2 years along with Std panels tests and checks. I even did a cancer test recently because I'm paranoid about these things. 

I try to remain safe. This is an important aspect of dating. Before sleeping with any man, I get into an agreement with the guy that we both get tested fully and then disclose the results to each other. That's an absolute must for me, since the fear of STDs is a huge phobia in my head. 

You might think that my behavior is paranoid but it keeps me safe. 

My real fear are the symptoms. I was deathly scared of such things even as a child growing up. 

Just imagining a blister appearing on my skin terrifies me. Call me a hypochondriac. But my fears are real.. 

I don't know what it's like to live with an STD but I imagine it must be a nightmare. 

It's not the shame that bothers me. But the symptoms that frighten me. And this fear is also, not just for STDs but also for other skin diseases. 

 How can we ascertain the truth? 

The adage I apply here - better safe than sorry. 

My 2 cents. 

 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Preety_India

[flowboy]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

One thing I would like to say, please do not normalize these conditions. We may never know how much people suffer because of these conditions. 

We don't have testimony from actual sufferers, so on whose behalf are we actually speaking? How can we ascertain the truth? 

You must not have read my post more than halfway through. I am an actual "sufferer" and this is my testimony.

[flowboy]

@Preety_India  AGAIN, you must not have read my post. I actually had three or four periods of flare-ups with symptoms.

Getting fed up with your tendency to make assumptions and not even read properly. Good evening.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Preety_India  AGAIN, you must not have read my post. I actually had three or four periods of flare-ups with symptoms.

Getting fed up with your tendency to make assumptions and not even read properly. Good evening.

Then obviously you must have avoided sex during these flare ups? 

I'm sorry, my goal is not to shame you. But I just want to be honest about all the information. 

 

[somegirl]

36 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@somegirl  If people on the internet can talk you out of your relationship, you shouldn't be in it.

You'll be fine either way.

Herpes is annoying but not dangerous. If you take care of your health, the symptoms stay away. The worst part of it is actually how people like these react to the idea of it.

Of course you are free to want no part of it. You have no social obligation to stay in the relationship if you don't want to be around someone who has that.

Just know that it doesn't necessarily make you safe. Sleeping with the average guy who's been "around town" but doesn't test himself for all the known STDs, is more dangerous than sleeping with your current guy if he does test himself for all the other things that are more dangerous.

So whatever you decide, if you care about safety, consider taking a full STD panel every 3-6 months, depending on your activity. It's a good health habit to have. Also ask if your bedpartners do that. And pay attention to what they actually test! In the Netherlands, where I live, they don't even test you for HIV if you ask the doctor to. Only chlamydia, gonorrea and syphilis. But there's many more. You have to jump through hoops to get that the other tests.

Thanks for your answer a lot.
I have a question, since I've read your whole post, how is dating for you? Have you ever given it to somone? Since there is obviously asymptomatic shedding that is happening even when there is no visible sores. How do people react to it? ANd out of curiosity, do you think it's harsh/selfish when people don't want to deal with your condition? 
 

Edited March 13, 2021 by somegirl

[flowboy]

20 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Then obviously you must have avoided sex during these flare ups? 

I'm sorry, my goal is not to shame you. But I just want to be honest about all the information. 

 

Yes, obviously I have

[Preety_India]

Just now, flowboy said:

Yes, obviously I have

What are the chances of transmission during a long term relationship lasting years? 

 

[flowboy]

41 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Thanks for your answer a lot.
I have a question, since I've read your whole post, how is dating for you? Have you ever given it to somone?

There was an unfortunate period where I didn't know I had it or what it was. I transmitted it to two people before I found out I had it. Since then, I've been careful, followed doctor's instructions and have not given it to anyone else.

41 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Since there is obviously asymptomatic shedding that is happening even when there is no visible sores.

Doctors I've talked to don't consider that a serious risk. I agree it looks scary when you read about it.

 

41 minutes ago, somegirl said:

 How do people react to it?

In real life: have never had someone make a big deal out of it. Reactions range from "Thanks for telling me I guess" to "Come on, just fuck me". Excuse my french.

On the internet: well...

41 minutes ago, somegirl said:

ANd out of curiosity, do you think it's harsh/selfish when people don't want to deal with your condition? 

No. It's painful for me, but that doesn't mean it's unreasonable.

And I can relate. I'm pretty scared of HIV, so I probably wouldn't sleep with a person who has HIV, but has zero viral load due to good medication (and so super low risk of transmission). But I have met a guy I knew who had that, and met his girlfriend, and she obviously has no problems with it. Is one better than the other? I remember thinking: "How irresponsible of her.."

Of course, it's not an apt comparison. HIV is actually dangerous, and not that common. Herpes is everywhere.

No I think people should educate themselves on what it is, and then make a choice. If you have the choice between two equally attractive partners who you have equal chemistry with and are equally enthusiastic about, but one has herpes, I'd say choose the other one. Definitely.

Edited March 13, 2021 by flowboy