Visiting Heaven [Trip Journal]

[Heinrich Faust]

AL-LAD made me start this journal. And in case you wonder about this unusual introduction — I'm just on my way back from my very first trip and this is kind of a placeholder.

[Heinrich Faust]

1st Trip Report (50 µg AL-LAD)

 

I brought myself in a good state first. At 15:37 I took around 1/3 blotter AL-LAD. I expected to feel the first effects after 20-30 minutes, so I started a playlist of 25 minutes inspiring music and did some meditative practice. Already after 10 minutes, I felt like being in the middle of a huge Hippie festival surrounded by hundreds of friendly-minded people who would accept me however I'd be. Fifteen minutes after taking the blotter, I shed some tears of joy. It really felt like I'm going to visit Heaven.

Expecting a potential bigger kick in, I sat down when the music turned off. I tried to meditate, but it was hard to focus on that. The feeling of joy and love was gone. My mind was kind of unsettled but apart from that I didn't really feel anything special. My closed eyes could see various visuals, I often see through meditation as well. From time to time I could see some unpleasant pictures as well. I think, I got a subtle glimpse of what a bad trip could be like.

Since body and mind were unsettled, I gave up on my try to meditate, and started walking around the flat. What do you actually do during a trip? However, I felt better and better. Everything was… just beautiful. I somehow felt a 10-minute-nap might be a good idea. I have quite vivid dreams during naps and was curious how the AL-LAD would affect that. And it was mind-blowing! I just remember falling around between different states of consciousness several times (probably all part of my dream) and waking up and checking the time at 16:48.

Obviously, I was awake by that time, but somehow it felt like still in a dream. I was totally stoned. I was just lying there and laughing. It took several attempts to get up. I got the spontaneous feeling, I should potter with lucid dreaming in the future. When I attempted to take a note on that, every letter to write became a little challenge. I was totally stoned.

I traipsed to the living room and marvelled at different objects just enjoying reality. There was one object that caught my attention over everything else: my flatmate's little Orthodox eikon. It was not the Holy Mary who attracted me, but the elaborated frames surrounding her. In my psychedelic state, they became a quite trippy appearance — I doubt that's an accident. My mind became a bit philosophical on the similarity to Hindu eikons.

I was hungry. I didn't eat much that day because I wanted my stomach to be empty when taking the AL-LAD. Although I had prepared a huge salad in the morning, I suddenly hungered after an orange. So, I sat down at the kitchen table, next to my salad, and started to peel an orange with my shaky fingers. (I think it was wise to do without a knife.) While dealing with this piece of fruit my otherwise quite taciturn flatmate bumped from his two-week-holiday directly into the kitchen and began some small talk.

One minute later, he left the kitchen and I suddenly felt like eating that salad next to me. While eating, my trip became weaker and weaker. Usually, I would have eaten the whole bowl, but the AL-LAD kind of stopped me from stuffing myself. But my body wasn't satisfied yet, and craving for some fat. So, I quickly prepared a desert out of coconut milk and blueberries. Already while eating I felt more and more sick. Furthermore, the tripping feeling was nearly gone, and I was kind of back in my everyday me. After some more spoonfuls, I finally convinced myself to put the remaining desert into the fridge instead of my stomach.

I laid down on my bed. It was not just this bellyache… my head became giddy, too. It was 18:30, all elation was out of the window, my body was feeling ill, and my mind was starting to hack me off. While lying there, I was getting more and more uncomfortable being in the flat. After some back and forth, I put on my shoes and took a walk to the shopping mall around the corner. The shops were just about to close. I was spooking around among the last customers and trying to detect, what was actually going wrong here.

I went next door to the train station. In front of me rushed a girl with heavy shopping bags. She was cute, and I was curious about how she would react to that guy who just came back from Heaven with stomachache. “Hi!” I think the way she looked at me was confused. I got confused, too. “What are you doing?” — “Nothing.” And she went off to her train. Surprisingly, my bellyache was gone after this failed flirt.

I sat down on a bench. I was changing at ten second intervals from good to normal to nauseous. For a better meditation atmosphere I moved to a bench in a quieter area of the station. And for the first time since I took the blotter I succeeded to get into a meditative state, and meditated from 19:15 to 19:35. Then I went home and prepared this report.

 

What to try next time

• Higher dosage (75 µg)
• Having a good breakfast before the trip and during the trip just fruits
• Eating very consciously
• Some plan what to do during the trip

 

Feel free to leave your comments!

[Heinrich Faust]

2nd Trip Report (75 µg AL-LAD)

 

I finished my big breakfast before noon, so, when I took about half of a blotter AL-LAD at 16:25, my stomach should have been empty again. I reminded myself of the intent of this trip: to become a more loving being, raising my empathy, just becoming more stage green. From what I heard, AL-LAD should be a great choice for that.

At 16:48, I felt the trip had begun. I strolled to the sitting room to settle myself on an armchair and meditate a bit. Remember my flatmate? I've neither talked to him nor seen him for 5 days, since my last trip. And just at that moment he entered the (dark) sitting room to restart the router! He didn't want to disturb me. It was much more me who felt like having a one-minute small talk. I felt very sociable at that moment.

A little later, I wanted to lay down and returned to my room. The AL-LAD was really kicking in now. The visuals became a bit stronger and much more volatile than what I usually see during meditations. I wanted to help my body getting rid of several chronic psychosomatic issues I'm dealing with and started some TRE jerks. I got some disgusting visuals from time to time and tried to surrender to the experience anyway. Since I wanted to become more loving, I tried to honour everything with love.

The following hour was more intense than my first trip. I felt a quite consistent love, everything else, however, was swirling: thoughts, visuals, feelings, movements… I couldn't even take oath that I didn't have blackouts or crashed out in between. Even though, I don't remember everything what happened, I remember my favourite experience during this trip.

There's a girl I met last year who is kind of my dream girl (or, at least, I wanted her to be). Long story short, I over-egged the pudding and lost her — even 3 times! So, as you might be able to relate to, there's still this needy hope inside me, there could be a 4th chance for some future between us. And this is not just annoying, this is also the biggest hindrance for such a future.
So, during the trip, I wanted to challenge myself and see if I can accept this situation with love. I could. I totally could! There was a stylised bird, black and white, rising out of my chest, looping around me, and flying away. This was such a cathartic event. I felt totally liberated, redeemed and light. Of course, this state didn't persist in a whole, but even now, 2 days later, I still feel less contraction regarding that topic.

I checked the time at 18:18. The trip was still going on, I was still lying on my bed, my shoulders were still jerking. I was exhausted and just wanted to have a rest. Just a one-hour break, you know? At least, I tried to relax my body and stop these jävla jerks. I failed. Vad fan! The past two hours were a jolly good time, but now I felt more and more between a rock and a hard place. And I got hungry.

Well, I yielded up to my fate and tried to continue with my trip as if nothing was going on. But soon, I didn't just need a lavatory and something to wrap my laughing gear around, I also became dizzy. Då så, let's start with the lavatory! Finally in the bathroom, I was thinking about my dinner. I hadn't even prepared something because I wanted to eat fruits only. But I was hungry. Fan också, I really felt ill.

Cutting some fruits at the kitchen table, I felt like bearing the tea break of a Vipassana course: haggard, hungry, only allowed eating fruits, and still 5 hard hours upcoming. At least, my jerking shoulders were calming down.
There's a little bit of breakfast leftovers in the fridge. Why not? At least, they didn't make me feel worse. My other flatmate came home and entered the kitchen. “You look a bit ill”. Well, if it's just a bit…

Back in my room, I decided to hit the pillow. I brushed my teeth, put on some Reiki music and sank down on my bed. Jag är alldeles slut. Slowly, I fell into a little meditative state again, got some visuals, and experienced even a very interesting feeling of lying in pure nothing for a moment.
I couldn't sleep. It took some time before I noticed how oversensitive I had become. The crackle of the loudspeakers was hacking me off; my flatmate's TV was hacking me off; the street was hacking me off. And I constantly had to change my lying posture because there always was a part of the body feeling really uncomfortable. A minor tension in the upper back even managed to prevent me from sleeping for more than 2 hours. I finally fell asleep shortly after midnight.

[Heinrich Faust]

3rd Trip Report (75 µg AL-LAD)

 

After my previous trips both ended with a serious hangover already in the middle of the trip, this time, I followed Leo's advice taking ginger pills beforehand. I just substituted the ginger pills with… well, ginger.

At 14:23, I put the blotter under my tongue. Five minutes later, I risked laying down on my bed and nodding off. I'm not sure whether I really slept, but I did awake with a start at 14:39. The trip was about to begin, and I tried to meditate a bit, first sitting, then lying down. But the more the AL-LAD took effect, the more I got lost in the trip.

It's hard to reconstruct what happened the next 2 hours. While I spent the past 2 trips mainly with lying about, I was much more active during this trip. I was swaying, I was dancing, I was thrumming. At one point, I even was hopping about on my bed.
I was in an avant-garde nightclub and moving in time with the music in my mind's ear. In my past 2 trips, I had songs I listened to before stuck in my head. This trip's earworm, however, was a melody I've never heard before and which I can't remember any more.
While dancing, my appearance changed. I turned into a woman, then into another and another. After some time, I noticed that I turned into women and queers only, never into men. I tried to turn into a man on purpose. Didn't work. Interesting!

Speaking of women, there was also an occasion I could switch how I looked at women, either judging on their looks, or not. The interesting thing was how heavily I could feel the low energy of myself looking at a woman and feeling the need to get close to her just based on her looks.

This “night out” definitely opened up my horizon. I've never been into going out, loud music, dancing, alcohol and drugs. If you met me in a club, then either picking up girls, or being bored out of my brains. Now, I could relive what the party people seem to experience on the dance floor. Also, this broadened my empathy towards queer people.

At some point during the trip, my feet needed some stimulation. The best thing would be to walk barefoot over gravel. I put on my jacket, didn't put on my shoes, and went down to the curtilage. In want of gravel, I walked with my bar feet over the grit that was still lying there against black ice. After a minute, my feet began to freeze, and I went back inside. I still enjoyed standing on the prickly doormat. After a while, however, I went upstairs into the flat because I didn't want to meet any of the neighbours at that moment.

It was 17:07. The party was over, I thought because judging from my past trips, I would start feeling sick soon and fall back to earth. I had even planned to join an online meeting to get myself distracted. So, I turned on my phone. 1 unread message(s)… My friend had to cancel the meeting due to a tragic occurrence in his family. Wow! I didn't know what to say…

On AL-LAD, it's relatively easy to ponder over death. I imagined my own death and my mother's death, and it all felt very easy. I wished, I could share my calm state with him.

It was getting close to 6. I was continuing my trip and no signs of sickness… Thank you, ginger! I was lying prone on my bed and wanted to encourage my body to heal itself. My thoughts were muddled.

At 18:18, I was exhausted and hungry. I had some prepped food on the cooker. But when I turned on the hob, I felt like eating some fruits instead, and postponing the meal. I wanted to get out of the flat, so I decided to go for a stroll between fruits and dinner.

It was already after 7, when I left the house. Right behind of the building, there are stairs up to a hill. And, believe it or not, all the months I lived here, I've never ever gone upstairs and checked it out. But now's the time!
And there was a magnificent view over the harbour up there. Some guy was sitting there and talking on the phone in a foreign language. First, I didn't notice when he suddenly started talking to me, and unintentionally ignored him. But he was trying hard to get my attention. Wow! It doesn't often happen that a random guy interrupts his phone call to chitchat with me. I guess, we can accredit this to my AL-LAD aura. (The next day, I got approached by some youngsters on the street again, by the way.)
While continuing my pootle, I was trying some walking meditation. It was easy to become present, and it was easy to get distracted, too.

When I came home, it was nearly 9. I turned on the cooker and considered what to do while eating. I needed some distraction. One of Leo's videos would be too much to digest in that situation. A film, on the other hand, might be too unsettling in that state. YouTube recommended me a 2-hour-talk between Sadhguru and an American neuroscientist. Great! That's lagom, as we say in Swedish.

 

Thoughts on future trips

During this trip, I also thought about how to deal with psychedelics in the future. At the moment, one trip per week is lagom. In the midterm, however, I'll probably downgrade to a trip every other week. I just don't want to risk becoming tolerant to these substances. Therefore, I'm also going to introduce more psychedelics soon. Alternating the substances should help to prevent a tolerance. Moreover, this rapid heartbeat for hours doesn't feel healthy, either.
I've read threads about micro-dosing, too. Considering the concerns above, I don't want to try it. The next time, I'll rather continue with weekly or biweekly medium-dosing. And, of course, some ginger before, during, and after the trips!

Edited March 23, 2021 by Heinrich Faust

[Heinrich Faust]

4th Trip Report (75 µg AL-LAD)

 

Setting

Yesterday, I was fasting. Just water and a little ginger water… When I went to bed, I felt totally knackered. I woke up 2 times during the night, and the second time, it was hard to get back to sleep. My body felt really uncomfortable. When I woke up late in the morning, it wasn't much better.

Actually, I wanted to take the AL-LAD on a totally empty stomach. Since I felt like a ghost and hardly could move myself out of the bed, I gave up on that idea and blundered to the kitchen instead. Frozen vegetables with a curry sauce. And some ginger, of course!

After my meal and some coconut milk with blueberries for the desert, I felt better. It was far from great, but I felt kind of okay.

At 15:29, I took half a blotter of AL-LAD, still feeling kind of okay. This time, my flatmates were at home and talking, so I decided to get a musical backdrop. I sat down and meditated nearly half an hour. It was easier than usually during the trip.

 

Goal

I'm a recovering perfectionist. Some days ago, I watched Leo's amazing video on that topic:

The day before yesterday, I was standing in the middle of the shopping centre and something was dragging my thoughts back to the video content. Why couldn't I just accept reality as it is? Well, why indeed? I never thought about this. So, could I just accept reality as it is? Um, why not? And so, I just accepted reality as it is — just like that, from one moment to the other. I never imagined, that could be such easy! It was like a little awakening. A pony enlightenment! I could relieve lots of tension, too, both bodily and mental tension.

So, my main goal for this trip was to brace that acceptance. I finally want to break free from this djävla perfectionism that sabotages so many parts of my life.

 

Procedure

My body was still weak, so I spent most of the trip in my bed. There's not much to report. I drank a cup of ginger water or two, hence called the bathroom twice, and I'm pretty sure that I nodded off for some minutes. This time, I wanted to concentrate on the experience, instead of trying to remember a lot.

 

Insights

It somehow must have worked because I don't remember much. The music was kind of shamanic, and I imagined myself being in a village in the rain forest. I tried to live through the life of a young man in some third-world country. Later, my body changed its appearance into all kinds of other people, mainly women.
I zapped through random life events and tried to see them all from a perspective of acceptance. Coming from my past memories, I ended up in my future plans. There's still something inside me skiving off finding a real life purpose. The trip took me back to my past. However, my background changed. Now, I was this coloured, non-Germanic immigrant boy trying to find identity. Would my life have gone differently? Better, worse… hard to tell. And hard to stay focused…

A cute girl's face appeared in front of my mind's eye. First, I didn't pay much attention to her. But she stayed there. Unless most other visuals, she didn't just disappear. She stayed for several minutes, constantly looking at me. I wanted to open up towards her, but there was an inner block. Unfortunately, I failed to identify this block. I just know that removing this block would drastically improve my relationship to people.

 

Highlight

Actually, I'm not that much into the deep stuff yet, like “What is reality?” But I started to contemplate a bit, just for fun. I knew the answer from Leo's videos. And then, I also could feel like everything is just consciousness. Even half of my body was gone. It just stayed for some moments and I even forgot about it later. So, this also illustrates to me the importance of writing down these experiences.

 

Come off

I was hungry as a horse. I also wanted to avoid a headache due to lack of nutrients. So, just after 6, I got some healthy food, mainly fruits and coconut milk. And I couldn't stop devouring all these tasty things…

When I finally finished, I was pigged out and still a bit hungry at the same time. After cleaning up the kitchen, I went for a little walk. I had a minor stomachache. Anyway, I blame the fast-breaking for that, not the AL-LAD, because I didn't feel nauseous at all.

So, thanks again for the ginger tip! And thank you for reading, and I'm looking forward to my breakfast tomorrow.

[Heinrich Faust]

5th Trip Report (75 µg AL-LAD)

 

Like usual, I took half a blotter of AL-LAD at 15:05. However, everything else was quite unusual: I hadn't deeply meditated for quite a long time, and I was quite stressed. So this trip was more a try to calm down my mind. Also, I felt a bit urged to take a trip after a whole month break.

I didn't manage to take a whole day off for this trip and after postponing it 2 times, I just decided to push through anyway. I had a subtle headache that day. Afraid of a heavy hangover, I ate an extra portion of ginger.

The previous 4 trips, my visions were quite cosmic. If you've tripped before, you probably know what I mean. This time, however, the pictures entering my mind were far more terrestrial. It just felt like a brachiosaurus.

[Heinrich Faust]

6th Trip Report (75 µg AL-LAD) — Localising the Ego

 

Setting

It's been a while. After the last trip nearly half a year ago, which was a bit, well… bland, I became careful not to force myself to trip. It's probably better, to sharpen my intuition when to trip and when not to. The setting is as usual: 15:48, half a blotter, ginger… Well, this time I swallowed the blotter after some time — couldn't feel any difference. So, next time, I'm going to spit it out again, because it's weird having paper in my stomach.

 

Intention — “Why do I need others' appreciation?”

Like many others, I have an urge for appreciation, particularly for female appreciation. And, I really want to get rid of this urge. Last week, a friend and I were trying to get to the bottom of this issue and made good progress. We got stuck at the big why: What's the root of this thirst for appreciation? I wanted to contemplate about that and some supportive AL-LAD might be a good idea…

As it turned out, I mainly contemplated this while waiting for the trip to kick in. During the trip, it was too hard to focus. Some insights, I noted:

1. Chasing appreciation is a way to keep myself motivated.
2. Appreciation feels good, because it shows me that I'm on the right track. I was never told how to assess by myself what's the right track.
3. When I was younger, I wanted to be the hero, appreciated by girls. Getting appreciated by girls, I still can feel like a hero.
4. Do I use female appreciation to mark my territory?

 

From Hell to Heaven

I felt physically uncomfortable, and I got the idea that I should prepare myself for a rather unpleasant trip. I was totally OK with that. Maybe, that's a good chance to face some fears of mine. I even became a bit cocky, and when the first spooky pictures arose, I just laughed at them. It was even me, who invited more spooky stuff. The creatures became more and more scary, but I just opened my eyes and laughed again. The trip continued, and it was like a lucid nightmare. I could even kind of press a pause button, zoom in and out, and scale the individual elements up and down. I largened myself a lot and made some daemon who was following me around to the size of my right foot. Eventually, I became uncertain, whether fooling about with that was really such a good idea.

I found something like a light switch to switch the picture between negative and neutral. Slowly, more and more positive apparitions manifested, and I got back to the usual colourful medley.

 

The Perpetual Déjà Vu

I was sure, that I nodded off about one time each during my last trips. During this trip, I definitely did not nod off. However, I woke with a start several times, but not from a dream. It was rather my self coming back to my body. It was my first realisation that ego and body are separate. I tried to get a closer look at each of them individually, but as soon as I noticed that there might be a separation, immediately, they merged.

Suddenly, I saw something like a machine putting the ego into the body. It was a déjà vu. My eyes welled up, and my whole body felt that I had been at this very point before. It was a long time ago, maybe even before I was born. And last time, it was a déjà vu, too. Could this really be the very moment before the ego enters the body? Life after life after live…

What is me? I'm not the body. I'm something sitting in heaven together with other somethings looking down to the world. I want to get a glimpse of the body, where I usually live in, but as soon, as I think about the body, I merge with it with a start.

 

The Forgotten and the Unforgotten

Funny, how I already knew during the trip, which parts I'm bound to remember, and which I'm going to forget.
I still remember that I had sex on this trip — with myself… and I was the female!

Some weeks ago, I watched a fascinating video on machine elves. Since then, there's this (ego-driven) idea growing in me to communicate with some entity during a trip. At some point in the middle of the trip, I started wondering if there is some more profound entity in my trip. Maybe, there's even something watching me… I just asked something like: “Who's behind all this?” The rainbow muddle disappeared like a curtain, and in the centre of the all remaining black was a lizard-like face with maroon skin and big eyes looking at me. This guy didn't look evil or something. In fact, I couldn't derive any particular emotion from this face. Just the overall situation was spooky.
Somehow, I backed down. I feel a bit sorry for that, because I feel impolite. I really don't know who or what this was. But these eyes looking at me are my most adherent memory of this trip. And now, I'm quite sure that I'm not yet ready to communicate with entities.

 

Back to Topic

When I was slowly coming off after 3 hours, I tried to get back to the initial question. I saw a sweeping documentation of my urge of appreciation. Suddenly, I got the answer: self-love! I don't really love myself, therefore I'm constantly trying to get love from others.

It was four hours now, since I took the blotter. Self-love…
I was hungry and totally motivated for something profane, like tidying up my bedroom.

 

Thoughts on the Dosage

I was thinking of taking higher dosages. I will do so — someday. At the moment, 75 µg seem to be a good dosage for me. I can control the situation and have profound experiences at the same time. It's like driving school; I'm still learning to handle psychedelic trips. I don't see any reason for rushing things and taking risky dosages. Also, so far, I prefer frequency to depth.