I'm worried I messed up my whole life with drug addiction.

[TheSpiritualBunny]

At 21, I tried my first illegal drug, Mephedrone. I was at a bad place in my life, burned out from school, something with a girl, so overall the worst time to try this drug, and I got hooked on it for the next few months. Over about the next two years I abused all kinds of drugs, during the worst time I would often take xanax with alcohol, which could have easily killed me, however I didn't really care at this point. Later I started to care about my life again, maybe this has something to do with using psychedelics, but at that point I just used them for fun. But since then it got better and I used less and less, but I'm still not over the addiction.

However, I have extremely low motivation, I started studying pharmacy at a university, but I can barely get myself to study. I also took the big 5 personality test, and I scored 71% in Agreeableness, 78% in Openness, 18% in extroversion, 61% in Neuroticism and 4% in Conscientiousness. I almost felt like crying when I saw this, because of the last three. Conscientiousness is extremely important for discipline, and the exam is correct, I have barely any discipline. I've also heard that you can't really change these traits as an adult.

But I feel like I might also have messed it up with my addiction, first of all I kinda wasted 2 years of my life with it, and before that I at least had some kind of motivation, but now I'm wasting all day on Youtube, and I'm afraid I permanently lost my motivation. In my teens I would study Japanese, make drawings for others and was really into chemistry. Now I don't feel like doing any of this and just watch videos and get high, it's sad. I wish I could go to a clinic just so I'm forced to stay away from drugs for a while which would help me to quit, but that's not so easy right now. A few months ago I also started talking to girls on dating apps, but I feel like I can't really connect with any of them, even if they are interested in me.

However, I finally started meditation for 20 minutes a day, it was so hard to convince myself to start, so it's a huge acchievement for me and I wanna increase that time over time, however the at this point milder drug use is still quite hindering. 

But if I keep going like I'm doing now, I for sure will go nowhere, and I know I have to hurry up, I will soon turn 24. I can't sleep right now because it worries me so much, I'd love to get some advice.

[Preety_India]

@TheSpiritualBunny why don't you start Journaling? I might be able to help you out a bit if you start Journaling.

[Enlightenment]

@TheSpiritualBunny I have fortunately been blessed with an extremely non-addictive personality. Trought my teenage and young adulthood years I've tried about 25 different drugs also the most addictive ones, and yet never had any problem with addiction where all my friends at least at some point had some problem with substance use. The only advice I can think of is when you start craving a drug, try to shift your mind from thinking about how good a high feels to how bad withdrawal feels. Create a strong aversion to a drug by associating it with how terrible withdrawal is. Do you still take Xanax? What drugs do you still take?

[DIDego]

On 3/8/2021 at 3:24 AM, TheSpiritualBunny said:

I've also heard that you can't really change these traits as an adult.

@TheSpiritualBunny Transform the "bad" experience if you today see it that way, into the universal toolbox that in the end contains a ton of stuff you can put into maybe complex relation problem solving or big picture understanding how to navigate in life.

You are already changing these traits now, this part of yourself have developed then you posted this topic.

Yes it can be really hard to quit addictions before you know where to start and what you need to wotk with, hardest step are already taken, that you have the willpower and courage to want change something then you write to us in the forum. You made progress and quit something can be hard, but take a break a while can be easier if the hard quit dont last, you maybe not feel disapointing yourself and can take a breake again later, maybe that time it holds a little longer or forever.

Dont be to hard on your self and this experience makes you able have a perspective that many shares worldwide.

Navigate and have some understanding about drugs and how this lifestyle can look like, can give you tools to handle many other situations in life a little wiser and maybe nicer ways and know some of this can help you survive then older because not get these traits after some tragic event that puts you in some destructive living then, because you can see trouble arise ahead with earlier experience and also avoid put yourself in bad situations with this kind of understanding and toolbox.

 

Wish you all the best 

[Thought Art]

@TheSpiritualBunny You are now entering a new phase of your life. 

[Grateful Dead]

Seems like your not in such a bad place 

try also to make exercise a habit you have to move the body and get active 

just force yourself in the beginning you will soon love it 

[Michael569]

Seems like you have slightly over-fried your dopaminergic circuits. Substance abuse can totally do that. But this can totally be reversed and healed. Most of all it is important to commit to ever using again. It will take some time for the sensitivity to build up again to natural stimulants, maybe your brains need your help to reshape and adapt to the new normal. 

Take great care of your diet and your mental health. I would stay away from all sources of recreational drugs, not even occasional weed or vaping. Probably also go very easy on the coffee. What could help you is daily consumption of green tea for some neuroplasticity bonus. 

Exercise will be your friend. The brain thrives greatly when you exercise especially on the strength-based type of exercises like bodyweight, callisthenics or weights but also agility-based exercises like parkour, primal movement, crawling, money runs, headstands, martial arts etc. 

The diet should be predominantly plant-based very heavy in fruits and berries for that added polyphenol benefits. 

Daily meditation, absolutely will stimulate neuronal reshaping like nothing else. 

Putting some work into your life purpose will give you a great spark of motivation. Find what you are passionate about and study the shit out of it for the rest of your life, aim to become the best in the world in that thing. 

Get your vitamin D checked, we have receptors for vitamin D in every area of our brain and it plays great part in dopamine production, serotonergic circuits, neuroplasticity and overall motivation in life. When you are at it, ask to have your iron checked as well 

Don't forget to go out in nature, explore, take cold showers every day or bath in a lake or sea if you have the option. Get in touch with the beauty and perfection of nature, hug a tree, pick berries (may need to wait few more months), watch birds, stargaze or just admire the perfection out there. 

[soularlight]

Hey friend,

I will ask you to consider a few possibilities.  Could it be that your image of yourself that is saying that you are addicted is actually hindering you? Perhaps what you are seeking is actually happiness, and you are using the only way you think will give it to you. I would say you are an intelligent human being for desiring happiness, since it is your true nature. Nothing wrong with that. 

What if you decided today to be kind to yourself? How would you speak to yourself, and what would you say if you truly were kind to yourself? 

See, the fact is that you have done a lot of drugs, but that is past now. It is not here. Your interpretation of what that means is totally subjective, and can be changed to create a different feeling. With a different feeling, you will see new possibilities. 

You are not an addict. You are a beautiful human being, worthy of love and happiness. 

Can you be open to the possibility that this is the start of your life and that right now can be a turning point? 

What do you REALLY want? Why do you want it? Feel the why.