Being in solitude or going out there to overcome my social anxiety?

[fopylo]

Hi, so for a very long time I've been feeling very lonely, and took for me sometime to really understand this. I used to suppress this feeling all the time thinking that one day it will not be like that. Recently I've stumbled across Leo's video of how to deal with loneliness which really really opened my eyes. So I've tried doing it. For the last few days I've been traveling with my bike and practiced being alone with myself for a long time. This is when I truly realized what Leo meant by "connecting with Being". It felt like I'm coming back home or something, like I'm getting back to a truer version of myself which felt amazing. It really opened my mind also to the fact that my ego thinks that having those dreading feelings of loneliness and depression means I need to seek friends, a girlfriend, or someone or a group of people to fill this hole. But in actuality, when I am faced with an opportunity to open up to a friendship I tend to fall back - which made me realize that my ego is really deluding me. The problem is that I am disconnected to Being, which I believe is the real thing I desire, which my ego thinks otherwise. Sorry for going for a little rant, I'm now getting to the point. So I've also always had social anxiety (as far as I remember it started to develop when I was like 12 and now I'm 18). My question is - will this technique of going solo to bask in my solitude help me? I mean, I understand why practicing this act of loneliness can be beneficial, but I've also heard that in order to overcome social anxiety or any fear you must practice facing it. I would like to get some advice on what to do in this confusing situation please. Currently, practicing this loneliness makes me feel more real and like "this is supposed to be what I'm after" feeling which I can't really explain, but I don't know if my social anxiety will go away.
Sorry for making it too long ? (this is my first post)

[Edan]

I've asked myself that exact same question.

After watching Leo's lonliness video I was inspired and went to a park for 7 days straight of doing absolutlly nothing. It was cool but I didn't break through to "being" I think.

I am also curious about your question fopylo (I have social anxiety)

[seeking_brilliance]

Hiding will never ever work. Sure, you could be a hermit and do your best to never interact with a human again--and then no, you won't need to face the fear of social situations. Hopefully you like yourself enough if you were to try it. ?

But, who really ever benefits from such  a closed feedback loop? (relatively) Alone time is great, for maybe up to two weeks IME. Or two hours. 

 

 

Edited March 8, 2021 by seeking_brilliance

[mandyjw]

I think what you discover is that it's fun to push your boundaries, and that's what you really want. Often something comes up that we want to do that sort of forces us to confront these boundaries. For some people it's finding a partner, for others it's a career thing, etc. That becomes the focus that gives us the will and direction to see through the boundaries. We get sort of tricked into facing these boundaries, not knowing that what we really wanted was to see through them and be free of them, or else we wouldn't feel it as a boundary or anxiety in the first place.  If you can get curious about the boundary itself you can see what it's made of, thoughts that are holding some sort of belief that isn't true about you or others in place. If there's discomfort around being alone, practice solitude, if there's social anxiety, explore that. If there's a desire to go hike the Appalachian trail or meet somebody, listen to it. Ultimately it doesn't matter what you do, and what the external circumstances are, it's the curiosity(awareness) of our thoughts and assumptions that matters. 

"Awareness is the greatest agent for change." -Eckhart Tolle

[fopylo]

@mandyjw I've read what you wrote like a few times and I appreciate it. So basically I've been practicing being in solitude as a way to deal with this feeling of loneliness. However I wouldn't say that I'm really suffering from it or feeling it all the time. It comes once in awhile, sometimes in sneaky not obvious ways, and sometimes in very clear ways. It did help reduce a bit of my envy I have of other people. But social anxiety still remains an issue I've hid deep in my subconscious for a very long time because of this lockdown (like a year), and it doesn't feel that urgent. So basically you're saying to also be in solitude and also explore social situations? I mean, it is quite an 180 degree turn no? Like, I derive a sense of "feeling good" and improvement from being in solitude, but it also might be the ego's excuse for escaping social situations. And obviously going out there socializing can't be sustainable for me (now that I've realized it from my direct experience), since I feel dissociation and not in touch with myself and being collected

[mandyjw]

@fopylo How did it reduce envy? It makes sense but I'm interested in how and why you feel it had that effect. Were you envious because you were feeling left out in some way before, or for other reasons? 

I suspect that this is important because a lot of releasing resistance is about being able to determine what we want, and envy usually means we have desires we don't believe or aren't allowing. 

There's absolutely no resistance for me right now for not going to Antarctica, because I don't want to go to Antarctica. However, for example if I do REALLY want to go to Hawaii but I'm scared of a long plane ride and therefore try to convince myself that I'm thrilled to stay in the Northeast the entire rest of my life, THAT'S resistance. You gotta feel into it to know the difference. 

[fopylo]

@mandyjw So basically for a very long time (about like 5 years) I've felt left out, but here's the thing: It was not always that obvious and it was mostly very much low in intensity not fully in my awareness. But it does come up once in a while when I see friendships, couples, groups of friends, great families, but it took for me a long time to realize that I was suppressing it. But that is because it doesn't feel that urgent (although in the long run it is slowly destroying me by feeling regret and a false hope for a better future). I don't know exactly when this feeling of being envious started, but it didn't really have to do with how many friends I have, because I've realized that all I really need is just like 2-3 good friends (max 5). However I do think that it was just a gradual feeling (with ups and downs) and took me time to realize it. I must also say I'm grateful for realizing that I'm disconnected from Being and from myself, and that I experience dissociation. At least I know it will not be like that for my whole life.
Could you explain more on the feeling of resistance you explained?
Also, I don't know how this is supposed to help me also overcome my social anxiety and also my feelings of loneliness (and some depressive thoughts about my life situation sometimes)

[mandyjw]

What you really want is to know, (or more than know, feel really,) that you're ok, regardless of the conditions, is that accurate? You feel good around people, you feel good alone. Your time alone is making this more important, it's putting feeling first. You want to be unconditional about people. You want to love them unconditionally. They're there, good. They're not, good. Resistance is subtly sort of putting a condition on ourselves. Then you might think "I only feel good when I'm alone" even if that seems to be true or not. When you're alone, you aren't usually thinking and believing thoughts about what other people are thinking of you. When people are around the fear of these thoughts becomes social anxiety. What feeling good when you're alone is trying to show you, is that it's the thoughts and it's believing the thoughts, not the condition of being around people.  You don't really overcome the thoughts, you stop believing them. You start paying attention more to how thoughts feel and less to which seem to grab your attention and cause you to put up your guard in a knee-jerk kind of way.

This video explains really well how we can understand feeling and how we begin to use thoughts to create rather than to react, resist and believe in conditions. 

[kag101]

On 08/03/2021 at 5:27 PM, fopylo said:

I've been practicing being in solitude as a way to deal with this feeling of loneliness

I think this is an ineffective and unhealthy strategy. You don't put out a fire with more logs. You put out it with water.

Human connection and bonding is an innegotiable human need.

[Loving Radiance]

On 8.3.2021 at 9:27 PM, fopylo said:

And obviously going out there socializing can't be sustainable for me (now that I've realized it from my direct experience), since I feel dissociation and not in touch with myself and being collected

20 hours ago, fopylo said:

I must also say I'm grateful for realizing that I'm disconnected from Being and from myself, and that I experience dissociation.

What do you mean by that?

[fopylo]

@mandyjw

21 hours ago, mandyjw said:

What you really want is to know, (or more than know, feel really,) that you're ok, regardless of the conditions, is that accurate?

Yes, you got this totally right.

But I didn't really understand the connection of this part:

21 hours ago, mandyjw said:

You want to be unconditional about people. You want to love them unconditionally. They're there, good. They're not, good.

Also wasn't so clear how you linked social anxiety.
By the way I'll check this video out

[fopylo]

@kag101 I'd recommend you watch Leo's video on loneliness. He said to do exactly that, as a way to overcome this feeling. From what I understood he did not say to demolish social connections, but rather to first build the foundation of connecting to yourself through solitude, and then to connect, act and create through this center you've built. Or something like that

[fopylo]

@Loving Radiance I'm saying that I'm grateful for having realized it quite early. Until then I thought this feeling will be forever, or until I don't know when. Now that I know what is this problem, I know it won't be for the rest of my life

[Danioover9000]

   Usually it's better to face whatever fear you have, to it's exact situation, or any situation with close proximity to that type of fear. In this case, you have social anxiety, so plan and go be in social situations. You can also chunk it to smaller steps as well, like strolling or biking through public places, or go to small stores and start small talk. Then you can decompress in isolation again, practicing mindfulness or contemplation about metaphysics, epistemology, philosophy. or your own psyche/psychology. Rinse and repeat.

   On a side note, social anxiety doesn't disappear entirely, but it gets easier to deal with long-term. 

[fopylo]

@Danioover9000 Lately I have been riding my bike A LOT (almost everyday, practicing being with myself and feeling this connection to myself and nature). I certainly felt a bit more alive than being in my room watching youtube videos, and did have the freedom to contemplate. It feels refreshing in some way. The problem is that I kind of feel comfortable like I said, without much urgency in overcoming it. I can do the small talk and talk to people, but can't yet do bigger things like make a joke in public, sing next to people, be in energetic group conversations, start an intimate relationship (with friends or with women). So because it doesn't seem urgent I let it loose. So like I also don't have a plan or something to overcome it.

Anyways, are you suggesting a cycle? Like to face fear to overcome it, and then reconnect back to myself and build my foundation?

[Loving Radiance]

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And obviously going out there socializing can't be sustainable for me (now that I've realized it from my direct experience), since I feel dissociation and not in touch with myself and being collected

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I must also say I'm grateful for realizing that I'm disconnected from Being and from myself, and that I experience dissociation.

9 hours ago, fopylo said:

I'm saying that I'm grateful for having realized it quite early. Until then I thought this feeling will be forever, or until I don't know when. Now that I know what is this problem, I know it won't be for the rest of my life

I meant the dissociation part. How does it play into the loneliness thingy?

[fopylo]

@Loving Radiance Well, by dissociation I mean that my attention, thoughts and emotions are not aligned, which make me feel out of my body, out of my own experience, a bit dizzy, and scattered all around - Not really here. The fact that I'm not capable yet of really experiencing an experience (yes, as weird as it sounds. Like I said before, because I don't really feel here), makes it easy to get lost and disconnected from simply being and feeling good on my own. The dissociation is even stronger when I'm in crowds or with another person, since my social anxiety plays a bit and I tend to hide my real self subconsciously. So because I'm not really capable of feeling connection, then it does produce feelings of loneliness

[Loving Radiance]

@fopylo  What do you plan to turn it around?

[Nahm]

@fopylo

Time alone ‘works’ because when you feel as you are, without others around, you realize it’s the discord with what you think, about yourself. Dive into what you want more. Make a dreamboard. It makes focusing on what you want foolproof. What you want = what feels good to you. Feeling good, it is readily seen you don’t have ‘social anxiety’, just had some bogus beliefs about yourself, because you weren’t feeling very fulfilled, because you were essentially jealous of others who are focusing on, and creating & experiencing, what they want. 

 

[Farnaby]

@fopylo For social anxiety there's general consensus that you need to expose yourself progressively to social situations so you can teach your nervous system that you're not in danger by getting used to doing social stuff. At first, there will be lots of anxiety, but it will slowly decrease. This process is called habituation. 

You also have to be mindful of the obvious and subtle ways in which you avoid social interaction, because they are feeding your anxiety. An obvious way would be avoiding to go out with friends and subtle avoiding strategies may look like avoiding eye contact, distracting yourself with your phone, drinking alcohol to lower your inhibitions, etc.

Being by yourself can also be used in very productive ways. Just be careful and honest about it to see if it's becoming a coping mechanism to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings. 

Edited March 11, 2021 by Farnaby