Victim mindset

[martinka24241]

Hello,

I´ve realized I have been acting like a victim when it comes to dating. The repeating issue is being (almost) always single, struggling with finding a man I would like to be in a relationship with. It seems like I don´t even attract anybody I would be interested in, it´s like a scarcity thing. It takes me about three years to find somebody I really like.

My justifications for this situation are that not many human beings can match with me, that I´m too specific, I sometimes tend to put myself on a pedestal thinking I am very unique, have high standards etc... Also that guys in my country don´t understand me as I used to live abroad.

I am not completely sure what I am avoiding, maybe being judged? Making decisions? The more I think about this, the more confused I am.

Do I need take massive action to meet more men to increase my chances (external aspect) or do I change my way of thinking and stop being needy (internal)? I have been focusing on this area of my life so much that my energy probably can´t be right.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Leo Nordin]

When you spend time with people what is it that you are trying to do. Do you feel incomplete alone? Why are you looking for a man what is it really that you want.

if you are needy (internally) as you said, what are you needy about?

You seem to have this great vision about a man that you want. What is it that you want from this man, and why, is it someone who can make you feel complete and that everything is good in life? Is it really other people that create a sense of completeness, fulfillment, passion, fearless expression within you? 

A relationship is give and take, is it maybe so that you want to take a lot and (because of incompleteness) and that you haven't developed giving part so many men aren't quite fond of you? 

If one was a full life he or she wouldn't need to worry too much about these things. Your relationship to others become a way to share your love with them. You might see one person seeks adventure so desire arises within you to be adventurous with him. One man might be stupid so desire arises within you to knock the stupidity out of him. Another seeks someone to chill with so give that to him. Relationship is a constant give and take but you only need to be worried about giving then it doesn't matter what happens next if you don't expect anything from them someone who will be involved in you will come sooner or later. 

The man does not need to share the same interests with you, he doesn't need make you feel comfort all the time, or always be nice to you. Just an enormous involvement between two people is enough and things will happen. 

Maybe there is not much life in you, maybe you haven't developed enough social skills, different kinds of humor, maybe you aren't confident enough, maybe you live in patterns, talk boringly, maybe you don't have any strong drive that keeps you interesting. 

I don't know your situation but there clearly is a lot that can be worked upon. Just try to do whatever you want to do in your life and when you don't understand something you sit down before sleeping and take time to let thoughs run free and think it out. Then you will get all the answers. 

[Parththakkar12]

Look at your  attachment-style. Is it avoidant? Is it anxious? Is it disorganized? I'd suggest maybe going to therapy and working on your attachment-style.

You sound like you have parts of you that don't want to date because you see relationships as dangerous or something. I'd suggest looking into what's going on internally with you.

[martinka24241]

8 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Look at your  attachment-style. Is it avoidant? Is it anxious? Is it disorganized? I'd suggest maybe going to therapy and working on your attachment-style.

You sound like you have parts of you that don't want to date because you see relationships as dangerous or something. I'd suggest looking into what's going on internally with you.

Good point. I´m slightly fearful avoidant.

[Arcangelo]

3 years is nothing. Try 10 years and counting...

 

Arc

[Origins]

@martinka24241 I know what’s it’s like to be fearful avoidant, I’ve been working through all of my tendencies there as well. I’ve received a few romantic complaints in this regard in my lifetime so if we care about our partners or just the people we want to be intimate with we won’t be selfish and we’ll work through our styles there as well as be supportive of theirs where we can. It takes time, I’ve made a lot of progress but I still have some areas to work on.

Unless you want to learn pickup, it’s not really about taking massive action just putting yourself in the right place when you’re ready to be in a relationship. I date/related people at present but I’ve already made them fully aware that I’m just not ready for multiple reasons and they’ve respected this. Moreover if you are different from others you’ll have to respect the fact that you will indeed need to put yourself in a position where you’re more likely to attract someone similar to you. That’s just basic laws of physics there. Moreover you see the many guys here talking about pickup (not to degrade it), etc, most of them are not especially intelligently in the realm of women and relationships so I totally sympathise with your experience or future experience in the dating market. You’ll need to be savvy about the culture you’re a part of, the people within it and especially in a very personal and unique way the people you try to connect with. I’ve been out with some very impressive women but for me it’s not so much that the woman needs to be impressive it’s more about how many areas that we actually connect on a raw fucking intimate level, this is something most guys and people in general completely miss and are delusional about. Then you’ve got the issue of what happens after connection if for whatever reason there’s other externalities that corrupt the consistency of that, which is a nightmare and I understand if you’ve ever experienced that.

Furthermore, you’ve gotta chalk this up on your whiteboard about what you’re going to do intelligently. Who am I on a raw authentic level? What are some things within myself that hold me back on my authenticity, love and connection (I.e. attachment style)? What are the areas that are really important to me that I want to connect on with my potential partner? How can I screen out those people that don’t fit my criteria here and make space for those that do while simultaneously being self protective where it’s smart to do so? Remember because you’re truly seeking a relationship based on authentic connection, you’re going to have to screen a lot of men out that just either won’t make the cut on a true level if you examined them carefully or just aren’t up to scratch on their own authenticity and desire to connect. And the ones that are wishy washy with connection here and then withdrawing there, I’m sorry to say, for the both of us we’ve just got to learn to move on. Keep your dignity.

Best! 

Edited March 8, 2021 by Origins

[Pericles]

@martinka24241

"Turning balls into cats is the key to change. (the myth of cause and effect).

Once, at a seminar with my mentor and friend John Grinder, he told his audience that their job was to turn balls into cats. The audience was asked the following question: "what's the difference between kicking a ball and kicking a cat?" Of course, the ball is a mechanical thing. And in the mechanical world you can use Cause and Effect use of thinking with great success. An engineer could measure and predict where the ball would end up after you kicked it if he knows all the variables that need to be measured. However, in the case of kicking a cat--forget it. You might as well throw the engineer out the window since all the rules that govern the physical world no longer apply.

The idea of Cause and Effect in living systems is a myth and an illusion, and a very dangerous one I might add. Quite simply, the cat has choices, and the cat might attack first, run away or take the kick: who knows what the hell the cat will do?

Cause and Effect implies that because of event X the response needs to be Y."

-- Jorgen Rasmussen

 

Victim = Being helpless/ having absolutely no control or power over your situation.

You always have choice. Maybe you are not grown to the level where you will always be aware of it. But you ALWAYS have.

I advice you to just recognize it.

Love,

Pericles

[Pericles]

Choose not to be harmed--and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed--and you haven't been.