I'm feeling extremely anxious around people. Why?

[EnRoute]

Hello.

Why am I socially anxious when I need to talk to people? Today I had to interact with one of my colleagues, at work. 

She chatted me up. Then I simply froze. I just saw myself in fight-or-flight. My stomach was upside down and it was an intensely awkward moment. It's like seeing a tiger in front of me and all of a sudden I'm paralyzed. It's that intense!

There are times when I'm not that anxious and awkward with people, but even then something doesn't feel right.

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. It's so tough just to understand what's happening to me.

My social interactions don't feel right. It's like everything that I'm doing when I need to talk to somebody is forced or it doesn't feel like being at ease with myself.

Can someone clarify why am I this way? I tried to talk with lots of people but this horrible awkward feeling doesn't seem to go away.

Some people are getting awkward as well. They can feel my awkwardness.

It's no fun at all!

[vladorion]

1 hour ago, EnRoute said:

Hello.

Why am I socially anxious when I need to talk to people? Today I had to interact with one of my colleagues, at work. 

She chatted me up. Then I simply froze. I just saw myself in fight-or-flight. My stomach was upside down and it was an intensely awkward moment. It's like seeing a tiger in front of me and all of a sudden I'm paralyzed. It's that intense!

There are times when I'm not that anxious and awkward with people, but even then something doesn't feel right.

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. It's so tough just to understand what's happening to me.

My social interactions don't feel right. It's like everything that I'm doing when I need to talk to somebody is forced or it doesn't feel like being at ease with myself.

Can someone clarify why am I this way? I tried to talk with lots of people but this horrible awkward feeling doesn't seem to go away.

Some people are getting awkward as well. They can feel my awkwardness.

It's no fun at all!

Trauma.

[universe]

Seems like you are thinking too much.

Social interactions are not so much about the words you say. There are many different channels to it.

-Intention (Why are we having this interaction)

-Emotion (How we feel, what is your vibe)

-Verbal (What is said)

-Situation (What are you sending out)

-Bodylanguage (How are you standing, gestures)

 

Two more things.

Let go of your needs for validation or control. If you are trying to find the right words it means you have a need to control the situation.

Practice. If you have been isolated and didn't talk with others for a while it may take some time getting used to it.

[Gili Trawangan]

3 hours ago, universe said:

Practice. If you have been isolated and didn't talk with others for a while it may take some time getting used to it.

This.

When I go a long time without talking to people I experience what OP described. I can't explain the mechanism either, but the uncomfortableness does go away after pushing through and just practicing socialization more.

[Farnaby]

@EnRoute I've experienced this too, especially if I socialize and smoke weed at the same time. 

But it's always subtly there, it just gets more intense and noticeable with weed. 

It's probably caused by trauma and coping mechanisms such as avoidance, overthinking, etc. 

I would strongly suggest seeing a trauma informed therapist (or better yet, trauma trained), establish a healthy routine with enough exercise and keep socializing so you get used to it. 

The key is to learn how to understand what's happening to you and why, learn to calm your nervous system and get more experienced socially so you feel more confident in your skills. 

You can also try working with your internal parts, because this usually has to do with a conflict between some vulnerable/spontaneous part and a protector part that keeps you frozen trying to protect you from something. 

Hope this helps! 

[EnRoute]

On 3/7/2021 at 10:07 AM, Farnaby said:

You can also try working with your internal parts because this usually has to do with a conflict between some vulnerable/spontaneous part and a protector part that keeps you frozen trying to protect you from something. 

Exactly.

On 3/7/2021 at 10:07 AM, Farnaby said:

The key is to learn how to understand what's happening to you and why to learn to calm your nervous system and get more experienced socially so you feel more confident in your skills. 

I am REALLY doing my best to acquire social skills by practicing but the problem is that when I interact with a girl, I'm getting so awkward that I'm making her uncomfortable.

And I have to say this, some people avoid me when I'm at work. They just don't wanna be around me because my presence makes them uncomfortable.

It's so depressing.

On 3/6/2021 at 11:14 PM, vladorion said:

Trauma.

Yes. My childhood was a living hell. Extreme poverty. Violence abuse. An anxious, depressed mother. My father was drunk and violent most of the time.

[Parththakkar12]

@EnRoute Whatever you do, don't listen to people who tell you that you have bad social skills and you need to 'work on yourself' or 'work on your social skills'. That's bullshit and it will gaslight you even more. It's mostly projection and has nothing to do with reality.

What you need is trauma-work. And yes, people who tell you that 'your social skills are bad' or some nonsense like that will exacerbate the trauma. DO NOT go to a therapist who will tell you to fix your social-skills, that's an incompetent therapist. Go to someone who will actually try to understand your trauma.

Most people (especially extroverts) are morons relative to this issue. They'll say shit like 'You don't talk enough because you have bad social skills'. That's nonsense. The reality is the other way around! If you talk too much, that's a sign that you have bad social skills. Simple-minded extroverts (who don't use their brain-cells before opening their mouth) will make this mistake and confuse the shit out of you. They (especially the blabbermouth-type extroverts) will take advantage of your silence and try to control of the narrative. Don't fall for it! Don't be silenced by them when they try to silence you.

Edited March 10, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[integral]

@EnRoute

Might help. 

[Farnaby]

@EnRoute I also agree with those who suggested trauma work because it's usually rooted in traumatic experiences. 

If it makes you feel less awkward and alone, I have experienced what you say about people not feeling comfortable around you. However I would strongly encourage you to question that too, because you actually, don't know. Sometimes I felt like a conversation was really awkward and the other person told me he/she felt really comfortable. 

But I know what you mean, it's a vicious cycle where you get hang up on the idea that you're acting weird and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. 

IME the remedy to this is to learn to be in your body (because you are probably mostly in your head), seek therapy from a trauma-informed/trained therapist go out there, make mistakes, discover that it's not as horrific as the fear makes you think, but also do it in a way that has compassion for that protective part of yourself because it probably has good reasons to do what it's doing (even if it's keeping you stuck).

[EnRoute]

1 hour ago, Parththakkar12 said:

@EnRoute Whatever you do, don't listen to people who tell you that you have bad social skills and you need to 'work on yourself' or 'work on your social skills. That's bullshit and it will gaslight you even more. It's mostly projection and has nothing to do with reality.

Dude, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your reply really illuminated me. I finally feel much more confident now about the way I interact with people.

I will do my best to overcome my childhood trauma.