Dark nights of the soul

[goldpower123]

 

I've been on this inner spiritual journey, inner transformation, I've completely changed as a person and I'm not living the same life as I was. I faced my addiction with Porn/Masturbation and let it go. I've came so far. 

But I think deep down I'm still holding on, because I re attach with my ego sometimes, I "tap out" of myself, start feeling fearful etc. and then backslide on the path. (Feels like I am going stray from the path within) perhaps this is part of the journey or I'm running from something that I'm not yet ready to suffer through/face (at my current level of transcendence/development)

Its just like a dark night of the soul really, it's like my old self/old ego mindset is coming back up to haunt me. Like I lost that peace within and the connection to the source. It is quite uncomfortable and unsettling

[Logan]

Maybe checkout Leo’s videos on Ego Backlash, The Dark Side of Meditation, and The Dangers of Spiritual Work.

[Roy]

Awareness alone is curative 

[goldpower123]

26 minutes ago, Logan said:

Maybe checkout Leo’s videos on Ego Backlash, The Dark Side of Meditation, and The Dangers of Spiritual Work.

Watched the backlash one, very good video and relatable, I'll check out the others 

[Spence94]

For a large part of the path you will not be "done" or "there". Order, chaos, order, chaos. Breaking down, emerging, breaking down, emerging. Your peace and bliss will deepen, and so will your challenges. Sometimes you will feel like you are not going anywhere, like you should feel like you are always going up but in reality it feels like sideways and backwards. You may even think you're doing things wrong, especially compared to those around you. Hang in and return to your practice. Ground yourself in what deep down you know is going to pay off. It takes courage. Stay strong and remind yourself of what drew you here in the first place. Meditation can make some weird shit arise in your experience as you engage with supressed and deep parts of your pysche. Keep breathing brother, you are not alone.

Edited March 5, 2021 by Spence94

[goldpower123]

1 hour ago, Spence94 said:

For a large part of the path you will not be "done" or "there". Order, chaos, order, chaos. Breaking down, emerging, breaking down, emerging. Your peace and bliss will deepen, and so will your challenges. Sometimes you will feel like you are not going anywhere, like you should feel like you are always going up but in reality it feels like sideways and backwards. You may even think you're doing things wrong, especially compared to those around you. Hang in and return to your practice. Ground yourself in what deep down you know is going to pay off. It takes courage. Stay strong and remind yourself of what drew you here in the first place. Meditation can make some weird shit arise in your experience as you engage with supressed and deep parts of your pysche. Keep breathing brother, you are not alone.

That means the world, thanks so much for that, Im not a hardcore meditator, I've been here before, its ego identification, its suffering, lower animal. Except just as you said, the downs/ego backlashes get stronger just as the spiritual highs do. Thats totally relatable looking at how I've grown. To know Im on the highest path is something that is comforting in itself and to know all things good and bad come to pass

[Heaven]

Don’t worry it’s what most of us are going through. This flip flop is a common thing in this process although the “goal” is to fully identification with what we truly are. 
 

IMO a “practice” is crucial..something that grounds you in the I AM. It can be even just sitting with yourself and do nothing. Relaxing and accepting. No concentration is needed in this practice.

Good luck buddy and stay strong you are on the right path?

[Nahm]

Great work! 

Positive psychology is better feeling than negative psychology, but no mind is reality as it is. 

I've been on this inner spiritual journey, inner transformation, I've completely changed as a person and I'm not living the same life as I was. I faced my addiction with Porn/Masturbation and let it go. I've came so far. 

That’s a story about a you. 

But I think deep down I'm still holding on, because I re attach with my ego sometimes, I "tap out" of myself, start feeling fearful etc. and then backslide on the path. (Feels like I am going stray from the path within) perhaps this is part of the journey or I'm running from something that I'm not yet ready to suffer through/face (at my current level of transcendence/development)

That’s also a story about a you. Use the emotional scale  for that ‘fearful’. Experience the emotion, understand it, and transmute it. After some practice / understanding, the body mind will do it automatically. You’ll literally forget ‘fear’. 

Its just like a dark night of the soul really, it's like my old self/old ego mindset is coming back up to haunt me. Like I lost that peace within and the connection to the source. It is quite uncomfortable and unsettling

Understanding, expressing, and releasing emotions will change that entire paradigm. 

[goldpower123]

11 hours ago, Heaven said:

Don’t worry it’s what most of us are going through. This flip flop is a common thing in this process although the “goal” is to fully identification with what we truly are. 
 

IMO a “practice” is crucial..something that grounds you in the I AM. It can be even just sitting with yourself and do nothing. Relaxing and accepting. No concentration is needed in this practice.

Good luck buddy and stay strong you are on the right path?

There came a point where as I was focusing on my core self, I felt something bubble up from the depths of my subconscious like from deep within my heart and I almost visualized it like a bubble deep within me rising up to my conscious mind, then I began to feel fearful, attached to my ego, negative and self deceptive. Like sneaky ego maneuvers trying to get me to relapse. I assume this is the purification/shadow work process, where if you can suffer through and stay true to yourself, you make real growth. Unfortunately I folded and relapsed to porn, man this has got to be the hardest thing to do. And it's funny how afterwards you get a window vision of how you could have kept going