Fake growth vs real growth

[Farnaby]

Hey everyone!

I just found Leo's video about fake growth vs. real growth and it triggered one of my recurring doubts: "am I really starting to become more confident or just faking it?"

Let me start by saying that I used to be a pretty confident and outgoing child until around 7-8 and the biggest changes happened as a teenager where I became way more shy than I ever was before. 

So, in a sense, I think that the shyness, the overthinking, the people-pleasing isn't the authentic me but the result of some negative experiences. 

Recently, I've been having moments where I felt really confident around people and I felt more in touch with my masculinity (and also with my feminine side, so just more spontaneous and flexible in general). 

However, there is still this thought in the back of my mind that says: "no way, you haven't been confident in years, that's not you, you're just faking it". I think it's just my scared ego and my trauma response, but I'm not sure if it could be right when it says I'm faking it because it feels very different to what I've been used to the last 15 years or so. 

Maybe a concrete example is useful: I used to avoid eye contact, play small, fake smile to please others and my body used to be tense as if I'm protecting myself. 

Recently, I've been making a big effort to notice whenever that happens and embody a more confident posture, speak my truth, look people in the eyes, etc. 

At first, this feels scary and kind of fake, but after a while I feel so much more free and in touch with myself and other people instead of being in my head. 

Would you say this is fake growth or am I on the right track and this awkwardness is just a part of this process?

Thanks a lot!

[Preety_India]

It sounds real to me.. 

But I notice that you tend to suffer self doubt. 

Get rid of insecurities. 

 

[universe]

In the realm of confidence

Fake Growth: Avoiding situations where you felt insecure, manifesting situations in your life where you feel confident. Changing the outside.

Basically you think about your confidence a lot and juggle the external world around that. The thought of confidence surrounds your way of living, you plan things so that you don't feel insecure. Everything that can make you feel insecure has a high chance of triggering you emotionally.

Real Growth means you transcend that problem in your life. You don't even think about being confident or insecure anymore. You don't adjust your life to your confidence. You live your life without worrying about how confident you feel. You don't need to be confident. This change is only internal.

Counter intuitively, not caring about being confident will tend to make you feel confident.

[Farnaby]

14 hours ago, Preety_India said:

It sounds real to me.. 

But I notice that you tend to suffer self doubt. 

Get rid of insecurities. 

 

Thank you! 

Yes, you're right. It's easier said than done though. 

Maybe by just ignoring that inner part that second-guesses myself I can stop fueling it ?

@universe

7 hours ago, universe said:

In the realm of confidence

Fake Growth: Avoiding situations where you felt insecure, manifesting situations in your life where you feel confident. Changing the outside.

Basically you think about your confidence a lot and juggle the external world around that. The thought of confidence surrounds your way of living, you plan things so that you don't feel insecure. Everything that can make you feel insecure has a high chance of triggering you emotionally.

Real Growth means you transcend that problem in your life. You don't even think about being confident or insecure anymore. You don't adjust your life to your confidence. You live your life without worrying about how confident you feel. You don't need to be confident. This change is only internal.

Counter intuitively, not caring about being confident will tend to make you feel confident.

Thanks a lot for your input, it made things very clear.

I would say I do a third option though. I don't plan things so that I don't feel insecure (at least not as much as I used to). I just live my day to day life and when a situation triggers my insecurities, I don't run from it and just keep going while somtimes using some grounding techniques. I also use those moments to make a mental note about what I still need to work on.

So, I don't avoid feeling insecure, but I definitely spend a lot of time thinking about this and how to get over it, especially in those triggering situations or shortly after.

How can I not care about something that I do care a lot? Just surrendering or watching myself caring about it without fueling it (meditation)?

[SamC]

16 hours ago, Farnaby said:

Hey everyone!

I just found Leo's video about fake growth vs. real growth and it triggered one of my recurring doubts: "am I really starting to become more confident or just faking it?"

Let me start by saying that I used to be a pretty confident and outgoing child until around 7-8 and the biggest changes happened as a teenager where I became way more shy than I ever was before. 

So, in a sense, I think that the shyness, the overthinking, the people-pleasing isn't the authentic me but the result of some negative experiences. 

Recently, I've been having moments where I felt really confident around people and I felt more in touch with my masculinity (and also with my feminine side, so just more spontaneous and flexible in general). 

However, there is still this thought in the back of my mind that says: "no way, you haven't been confident in years, that's not you, you're just faking it". I think it's just my scared ego and my trauma response, but I'm not sure if it could be right when it says I'm faking it because it feels very different to what I've been used to the last 15 years or so. 

Maybe a concrete example is useful: I used to avoid eye contact, play small, fake smile to please others and my body used to be tense as if I'm protecting myself. 

Recently, I've been making a big effort to notice whenever that happens and embody a more confident posture, speak my truth, look people in the eyes, etc. 

At first, this feels scary and kind of fake, but after a while I feel so much more free and in touch with myself and other people instead of being in my head. 

Would you say this is fake growth or am I on the right track and this awkwardness is just a part of this process?

Thanks a lot!

@Farnaby its fake growth. If you're scared of not being confident enough than you're by definition insecure.

The goal should not be to be confident, the goal should be to do whatever you want and not even think about being confident/alpha/ good enough because you don't even care if people see you as confident or not aka You just do what you want to do.

It's really hard I know, I struggle with this aswell. It's important to note though that this also includes you not caring about the fact that care or hate yourself for being insecure. The key is to accept that you don't accept that you accept yourself and do what you want to do.

 

 

 

[Gesundheit]

Define growth.

[Farnaby]

1 hour ago, SamC said:

@Farnaby its fake growth. If you're scared of not being confident enough than you're by definition insecure.

The goal should not be to be confident, the goal should be to do whatever you want and not even think about being confident/alpha/ good enough because you don't even care if people see you as confident or not aka You just do what you want to do.

It's really hard I know, I struggle with this aswell. It's important to note though that this also includes you not caring about the fact that care or hate yourself for being insecure. The key is to accept that you don't accept that you accept yourself and do what you want to do.

 

 

 

 I guess I've been doing it wrong all this time. But you're right: if I worry so much about becoming more confident, it's a clear sign of insecurity lol.

The question is how do you overcome this vicious cycle. 

Just not do anything about it? No self-improvement stuff at all because the intention behind all of that is to get rid of the insecurities and therefore it's a sign of insecurity in itself?

Or maybe it's a process that happens in stages and one of the stages requires caring about this because you can't not care about it?

[Nahm]

Desire is the creative energy that makes universes. 

Make a dreamboard. Start manifesting consciously. Get in this magic. 

[SamC]

1 hour ago, Farnaby said:

 I guess I've been doing it wrong all this time. But you're right: if I worry so much about becoming more confident, it's a clear sign of insecurity lol.

The question is how do you overcome this vicious cycle. 

Just not do anything about it? No self-improvement stuff at all because the intention behind all of that is to get rid of the insecurities and therefore it's a sign of insecurity in itself?

Being afraid of acting from insecurity is in it self insecurity. In other words, do whatever you want.

Drop the " I have to do" / the shoulds and instead do what makes you feel good. If you notice you're insecure, don't beat yourself up for being insecure... and further, don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up.

Figure out what you want and go out and get that and If you're insecure/ come across as insecure.. stop caring about you caring about that you care that other people see you as insecure and start accepting everything you feel.

Quote

Or maybe it's a process that happens in stages and one of the stages requires caring about this because you can't not care about it?

It sure is. I have been thorough a long face of this when I've been forcing myself to do stuff and to be a certain way.

Than I had a existential crisis when I realized that I hadn't " grown" shit and just repressed myself ( which is still growth cause that step was neccesary to get to the next step)..

In other words bro, I know how it feels. Its though but you will figure out your path. If this realization makes your world dark, just remember. The sun comes back again.

"You're not the one you see, you're so much than that. When it's night it's hard to see but it's not the darkness that you are, you're so much more than that"

If you want to talk more about this, feel free to PM me. @Farnaby

Here are some videos that have helped me a lot in stepping away from this dynamic. 

https://youtu.be/0tl-7A3NdV8

https://youtu.be/EeUlPO2iXb4

https://youtu.be/LGa0BoyHGUQ

https://youtu.be/jgbxy4WDfUw

https://youtu.be/qFjL62-9Qyw

https://youtu.be/5tmKFbXneis

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by SamC

[universe]

4 hours ago, Farnaby said:

How can I not care about something that I do care a lot? Just surrendering or watching myself caring about it without fueling it (meditation)?

Well, you start by asking yourself why you care about it.

Then you dismantle all limiting beliefs and fears that come up. Yes, Surrender. Self-Love. Awareness.

Seems like you are on track.

❤️