Attempt to heal my sexuality + advice for people struggling with NoFap/NoPorn

[lain]

So, how do I start this?

I subconsciously  knew for months that I had a some problems and dysfunctionalities with my sexuality. It was very uncomfortable to reflect on this for a long time. 

When I started the relationship with my girlfriend (Like 2 and a half years ago now?) I realized more and more how the constant fapping and porn consumption made me unable to sexually satisfy me and her. Again, I distracted myself from this. But last year I slowly began analyzing and reflecting on this. It hurt me, made me feel very shitty. 

I could not get hard enough for having sex, only thing that kept me really hard and able to cum fast enough was my own hand. The first attempts of her making me orgasm with a handjob failed. Not because I was not attracted to her, because I conditioned myself so orgasm through masturbation. We were not able to get very comfortable with sexual acitivities and it always felt like a struggle, pressure to me because I saw how hard it was for me, to be hard for her. 

Then I first began analyzing my sexuality, what do I like and why. Suddenly I realized how many fetishes/kinks I have only developed through porn use. Its a very awkward phenomenon were I was aroused by these videos and pictures while at the same time feeling a disgust against it. After fapping I always felt like: this is bs why am I into this? Esspecially humiliation stuff felt extremely toxic to me but I conditioned myself to fap to it. The thing with humiliation porn is also that it can subconsciously make you believe that you are actually pathetic. Even if you know that all this is based on pure stupidity. My self esteem is very good tho, don't worry guys. 

So the first step was understanding what came from porn use and what I originally liked. (at least coming closer...) People need to understand that sexuality is much more conditionable then we use to think. Especially in young ages. 

The next big revelation came when I found the website yourbrainonporn.com

It explained everything I am struggling with.  This site i generally great, they really put a lot of effort in linking studies, explaining how everything interconnects and sharing experiences. Extremely helpful!

The next big step was to break the realized porn addiction. And this is another important distinction: I was not addicted to masturbation, it was the porn. I know this for sure now. Many people believe they just have a strong sex drive, while it's their addicted brain wantig its "drug". 

I've had failed NoFap attempts in the past and always wondered why, I just thought I am too horny for NoFap. So where was the problem?

I was still using porn, I was still constantly triggering my brain that was conditioned to get horny and fap as soon as something slightly arousing came across. 

Another important step was to question where the addiction came from, when did it start and why? 

Lets get a little bit lingustic here. In germany we call addiction "sucht" which comes from "suchen", meaning searching. This is the key to addiction: You are looking for something, searching. So I asked myself what I am trying to find in porn and masturbation? Turns out that I did not want an orgasm or the porn. I wanted sexual satisfaction. Sounds obvious but it really isn't. I want REAL experiences. Everytime I'm horny the only thing I really want is to actually live my sexuality, not to fantasize, not to look at pictures or videos. But orgasming is an easy way to numb this need. Sexuality is NOT only about orgasms.

So the masturbation was a desperate attempt to please the need for real sexual interaction. Of course this will NEVER please me. 

After I understood all this (and much more but that's too personal and not needed for the points I'm making) I tried again: Not fapping, absolutely no porn, no fantasizing about sexual interaction. It worked! Im now like 3 weeks in? And the idea of never fapping again seems totally acceptable.

I've also developed many stupid habits coming from the addiction, like intense edging, being unable to resist the slightest temptation and so on

My tip would be to make a list of every problematic/toxic/unhealthy sexual behaviour you have. Read about the theory of all this on sites like yourbrainonporn. Think about the future: Do you really want to live addicted and conditioned to orgasm to porn? Its not satisfying at all. If the motivation is there, perfect but don't become neurotic. You are allowed to fail and learn from the mistakes. Do not count days, its best to forget about porn completely. (Which is very likely to happen, just don't force it)

Also don't worry if your dick feels like a soft noodle that can never go hard again, it will  Thats another weird thing I've noticed, the first days of NoFap always made me feel like my penis is just dead.

So, what are the benefits I'm experiencing? 

First: Finally no more horny everyday. I am just not distracted by sexual fantasies and porn anymore. 

I feel more love for my girlfriend, its like the sexual energy is now changing into love energy  If feel much more need to actively express and show my love for her

I am less tired. Daily orgasming always made me feel slightly exhausted or tired throughout the day. I also need slightly less sleep

I am beginning to loose interested in those porn-induced fetishes. I hope to fully see my original sexuality one day.

And that's it so far, I am not feeling like superman or anything, it just feels much more healthy. 

I can not tell if and how this will affect my real intercourse with my gf, but I will find out soon. (Long distance relationship) Might post about it here

I hope my chaotic, long text had some valuable information or at least inspiration for you  Feel free to ask me anything