Deep insecurities are flooding my system

[Hanna Luna]

Recently, I've been doing a lot of spiritual investigation through deep contemplation, research, listening to other people's experiences and descriptions of reality 'beyond the illusion'. What I've sensed is that when I combine the sexy guru with crazy, but truthful descriptions of what reality really is, a brew of insecurity and deep longing for understanding and validation rises within my body (my sense of self). I feel like that 12-year-old girl on Facebook fooling herself into thinking that she had an online, long-distance relationship with Justin Bieber (which was obviously not really him, but I wanted so badly to believe it was) because I was SO desperate for validation, and sexual intimacy at SUCH a young age, for whatever reason. To me, this fake online relationship gave me a sense that I was worthy of sex, intimacy, love, compassion, attraction, connection, and belonging. I craved (crave) validation from those I look up to highly and those people whose traits I strongly admire whether physical or non-physical (intellect, skills, status, sense of humor, charisma, confidence etc.)

What qualities do these people have that I so desperately want to have myself? Confidence. Why do you want to be confident? Because where there's confidence there's a sense of control and power over one's circumstances. Why do you want that? Because control and power = ability to attract other attractive men who I believe are what I need to feel whole and validated and accepted and loved and wanted. Why do you want to attract men?

Because growing up, it felt like such an impossibility, something I would never attain, something that wasn't for me, something only to be indulged through imagination because I didn't think of myself as attractive or worthy of being attracted to, I felt worthless and ugly.

Why did you feel worthless and ugly? Because society and my family treated me poorly and judged me for my physical appearance/weight. They often reminded me of how I should eat less, eat better, exercise. They reminded me I wasn't enough. They filled me with the belief that I'm only as valuable or as worthy as the value I provide others. When I was younger, that value was giving others a sense of control through surrendering to their orders and doing as they pleased, doing what they were happy seeing me do. I thought my only purpose was to serve others and to do so through manipulating my desires to align with what they wanted from me. I still believe this to be what gives me worth/value. Of course, society only deems you as worthy as what you can do for it because of the level of consciousness it's at. 

When I was younger, having been a native Spanish speaker, my ability to articulate myself in English wasn't great and because I spoke two different languages and attempted to utilize/learn about both simultaneously, it made developing a level of expertise in either language more difficult. I didn't like the feeling of inadequacy I derived from my inability to properly articulate myself or speak English (what I believed to be the superior language) with a Hispanic accent. I found this wasn't admirable or a sign of competence/intelligence so I was very hard on myself whenever anyone would point out flaws within this category in myself ie. pointing out my accent or not understanding what I was saying. I worked very hard to develop my vocabulary, and notice that I still beat myself up for not having the largest vocabulary or when I stumble on my words (a sign of incompetence which I believe to be dangerous for whatever reason). I pride myself heavily on my intellect, knowledge, and my ability to come off that way around others. Like Connor Murphy, I've built my identity around this, the way he had around his body. If you take this away from me, from my perspective, I'm worthless. I feel I'm only as valuable as the ideas/solutions I provide myself and others. I know that isn't fair, and I know that isn't true Self-Love.

How do I go about solving these deep-rooted issues and insecurities? Through acceptance? Through letting go? To what degree? You need an identity to function in society, right? Is pride and the idea of further developing the parts of your identity to which you're attached not what pushes you forward in self-actualization and spiritual development? Without a yearning, why do it at all? Without a sense of worth or purpose, how is one meant to feel any desire to change one's self? I fear that if I break my ego down or "let go" of the things I pride myself on, I'll no longer have the ability to function in society cause I'll either have a psychotic break or enter a level of depression I won't be able to crawl my way out of.

Context: 21-year old INTP female

Goal: To love myself and others unconditionally, and break free from false beliefs to embrace life, both the good and the bad without resisting it (as a result of my past trauma, false beliefs, false ideologies, etc.). The only way I've found this to be possible is to identify my past trauma and work through it via psychotherapy, talk-therapy, so I guess I'm looking for some external guidance/support/context on my problems.

This post may or may not be taken down, but I'd like to state that any insight on the matter would be of great value, regardless. Thank you.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Hanna Luna

[RendHeaven]

I love your writing style and use of the word "you" to address yourself.

1 hour ago, Hanna Luna said:

This post may or may not be taken down,

Chin up, girl.

 

[Valwyndir]

Through love and awareness. 

You as infinite consciousness are exploring the experience of insecurities for a reason. 

It is impossible to know confidence without the context of insecurity. 

Confidence and insecurity are one. They are two sides of the same coin.

Love the feeling of insecurity for this feeling allows for the beautiful journey to confidence. 

Become aware of these feelings and their roots. Examine how the mind constructs the stories you tell yourself. 

Awareness itself is curative. Give it enough time, and the knots in your mind will slowly be untied. 

Let your purpose be simply become more peaceful through self realization. 

A mind that is peaceful under any circumstance is more valuable than an experience that gives your mind temporary peace.

See all mental suffering as a challenge and an opportunity to grow. 

You could not train your mind to be peaceful without mental discomfort, just as you could not train your muscles to be strong without physical discomfort.  

Fall in love with the infinite progression of growth.  

[flume]

You remind me a lot of myself a few years back. If you were in front of me I’d give you a big hug right now. I’ll just share some thoughts that came to mind:

7 hours ago, Hanna Luna said:

I craved (crave) validation from those I look up to highly and those people whose traits I strongly admire whether physical or non-physical (intellect, skills, status, sense of humor, charisma, confidence etc.)

You can quite literally detach those strings by admiring these (and other) qualities about yourself on a daily basis. Give yourself a compliment, even if just for the smallest things. Something super simple like “Hey, I wrote that really well” or “That was a really funny joke” totally works.

You only admire in others the parts that you haven’t recognised in yourself. That’s what it means to become “whole”. Taking the hints, recognising you’ve externalised parts of yourself and re-owning them. Psychotherapy can be a good idea. Or check out the 3-2-1 shadow process by Ken Wilber.

7 hours ago, Hanna Luna said:

Because where there's confidence there's a sense of control and power over one's circumstances.

Actually, the opposite is true. Observe true confidence in yourself and others. You might wanna check out Nathaniel Brandens book “The six pillars of self esteem” as well.

7 hours ago, Hanna Luna said:

I fear that if I break my ego down or "let go" of the things I pride myself on, I'll no longer have the ability to function in society cause I'll either have a psychotic break or enter a level of depression I won't be able to crawl my way out of.

Legitimate fear I had as well, and still comes back from time to time. What helped me go beyond this is running in circles for some time, before realising that reality is much beyond those black and white ideas of “ego death” and “enlightenment”. If you can make it into a concept, it's not "it". Psychedelics definitely helped to make me more confused and thus more willing to “throw my hands up in the air”, only to land exactly where I always was. Letting it all go, unhooking completely from any kind of rat race because there never was any.

Also realising "this doesn't feel good, so it can't be the highest perspective" was tremendously helpful. It's ok to see it the way you see it. Honour your perspective and realise that it's only a staircase, and a more compassionate and holistic view is waiting for you just around the corner, ready to be embraced. Maybe spend some time contemplating what this could be :-)

The truth always feels good.

It’s a fun journey. Welcome to the circus. Enjoy the ride. You only got one. Much love!

Also, here’s an answer @Nahm gave me on a similar thread that really helped me:

"There are mentions of uncertainty here, and paradox, (confusion) in the sense of a struggle with them. They seem to be regarded as foreign.  Make it your dance partner instead. I’d suggest reinterpreting paradox and uncertainty...re-approaching it freshly, in an appreciative, “what can I learn from it” manor. 

When both sides of a paradox are looked at for truth, the outcome is the transcendence of both sides, of the paradox. Think of the yin & yang symbol. Generally speaking, with any specific thought / perspective, we are seeing the truth in one side, the yin. Writing down the opposite thought / perspective, the yang, and casually asking “what is the truth in the yang perspective?’...the truth, the goodness, does arise in the mind, and release transpires in the body, and both feel wonderful. Like taking off a five pound vest, as if something unseen was holding us back just a bit. Then something new is noticed in that symbol which perhaps wasn’t before, and that is the circle, which the yin and yang appear to be transpiring, flowing, dancing together, within."

[Waken]

Just follow your attraction. No need to analyze things when you don't feel like it, if you do, of course that's different. Just loving yourself, being gentle with yourself, forgiving yourself and others (if you feel something is to be forgiven) will go a long way. Let that boat float gentle down the stream, in ever deepening expansions

[Nahm]

20 hours ago, Hanna Luna said:

How do I go about solving these deep-rooted issues and insecurities?

You keep eating spicy foods, you keep feeling indigestion. You choose how your stomach feels over what you put in your mouth, no more indigestion. 

You keep focusing on thoughts & things that don’t feel good, you keep suffering. You choose to put how you feel first, over what you believe & think, no more suffering. 

If what you want is emotional mastery & freedom, and to create the life of your desires & dreams, you understand how you’re creating emotions, practice, learn, experience, and create joy, empowerment, & freedom. 

[mandyjw]

Many women and some men seek their identity in relationship with others. However, your relationship with others and how you feel about it is always up to you and what YOU think and feel about it. So we feel like we must be loved by others to love ourselves, but what we really want is that permission from them to love ourselves in the first place. So we hold the love that is inherent in ourselves away from ourselves. 

The desire to embody your own innate authority and independence and feel your own self worth is sometimes projected onto another, and all this accomplishes is disempowerment, as giving away your authority means you're holding it away from yourself. It's already yours. We just forget that we've done this ourselves. 

As this is a process to remember this time and time again, I highly recommend Abraham Hicks, there are a lot of her clips on youtube for free. The books are great too. Remember, the only purpose of a teacher is to connect you with your own inherent, already here, source of love. 

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

You keep eating spicy foods, you keep feeling indigestion. You choose how your stomach feels over what you put in your mouth, no more indigestion. 

But L̶e̶o̶  Phil, I love spicy foods!

Edited March 3, 2021 by RendHeaven

[Nahm]

@RendHeaven ?

[NatureB]

 

On 3/2/2021 at 9:30 AM, Hanna Luna said:

Recently, I've been doing a lot of spiritual investigation through deep contemplation, research, listening to other people's experiences and descriptions of reality 'beyond the illusion'. What I've sensed is that when I combine the sexy guru with crazy, but truthful descriptions of what reality really is, a brew of insecurity and deep longing for understanding and validation rises within my body (my sense of self).

Don't use your understanding of spiritual concepts to beat yourself up. If it helps, use it, otherwise drop it.

I feel like that 12-year-old girl on Facebook fooling herself into thinking that she had an online, long-distance relationship with Justin Bieber (which was obviously not really him, but I wanted so badly to believe it was) because I was SO desperate for validation, and sexual intimacy at SUCH a young age, for whatever reason. To me, this fake online relationship gave me a sense that I was worthy of sex, intimacy, love, compassion, attraction, connection, and belonging. I craved (crave) validation from those I look up to highly and those people whose traits I strongly admire whether physical or non-physical (intellect, skills, status, sense of humor, charisma, confidence etc.)

What qualities do these people have that I so desperately want to have myself? Confidence. Why do you want to be confident? Because where there's confidence there's a sense of control and power over one's circumstances. Why do you want that? Because control and power = ability to attract other attractive men who I believe are what I need to feel whole and validated and accepted and loved and wanted. Why do you want to attract men?

Because growing up, it felt like such an impossibility, something I would never attain, something that wasn't for me, something only to be indulged through imagination because I didn't think of myself as attractive or worthy of being attracted to, I felt worthless and ugly.

You can work through feelings of shame, embarrassment, not feeling "good enough" or "worthy" as they arise. This ime is a years-long process, so relax a bit See if you can state the feeling in the form of a belief. For example "everyone thinks I am weird", "I don't belong here", "they will kick me out of this group", etc.

On 3/2/2021 at 9:30 AM, Hanna Luna said:

Why did you feel worthless and ugly? Because society and my family treated me poorly and judged me for my physical appearance/weight. They often reminded me of how I should eat less, eat better, exercise. They reminded me I wasn't enough. They filled me with the belief that I'm only as valuable or as worthy as the value I provide others. When I was younger, that value was giving others a sense of control through surrendering to their orders and doing as they pleased, doing what they were happy seeing me do. I thought my only purpose was to serve others and to do so through manipulating my desires to align with what they wanted from me. I still believe this to be what gives me worth/value. Of course, society only deems you as worthy as what you can do for it because of the level of consciousness it's at. 

I am sorry for the traumas you have endured growing up and I empathize with you.

On 3/2/2021 at 9:30 AM, Hanna Luna said:

When I was younger, having been a native Spanish speaker, my ability to articulate myself in English wasn't great and because I spoke two different languages and attempted to utilize/learn about both simultaneously, it made developing a level of expertise in either language more difficult. I didn't like the feeling of inadequacy I derived from my inability to properly articulate myself or speak English (what I believed to be the superior language) with a Hispanic accent. I found this wasn't admirable or a sign of competence/intelligence so I was very hard on myself whenever anyone would point out flaws within this category in myself ie. pointing out my accent or not understanding what I was saying. I worked very hard to develop my vocabulary, and notice that I still beat myself up for not having the largest vocabulary or when I stumble on my words (a sign of incompetence which I believe to be dangerous for whatever reason). I pride myself heavily on my intellect, knowledge, and my ability to come off that way around others. Like Connor Murphy, I've built my identity around this, the way he had around his body. If you take this away from me, from my perspective, I'm worthless. I feel I'm only as valuable as the ideas/solutions I provide myself and others. I know that isn't fair, and I know that isn't true Self-Love.

How do I go about solving these deep-rooted issues and insecurities? Through acceptance? Through letting go? To what degree? You need an identity to function in society, right? Is pride and the idea of further developing the parts of your identity to which you're attached not what pushes you forward in self-actualization and spiritual development? Without a yearning, why do it at all? Without a sense of worth or purpose, how is one meant to feel any desire to change one's self? I fear that if I break my ego down or "let go" of the things I pride myself on, I'll no longer have the ability to function in society cause I'll either have a psychotic break or enter a level of depression I won't be able to crawl my way out of.

The fear of a psychotic break is just that, another fear. Let it go how you let go of anything else. Have you read Letting Go by David R. Hawkins yet? Highly recommend it.

On 3/2/2021 at 9:30 AM, Hanna Luna said:

Context: 21-year old INTP female

Goal: To love myself and others unconditionally, and break free from false beliefs to embrace life, both the good and the bad without resisting it (as a result of my past trauma, false beliefs, false ideologies, etc.). The only way I've found this to be possible is to identify my past trauma and work through it via psychotherapy, talk-therapy, so I guess I'm looking for some external guidance/support/context on my problems.

Ime psychotherapy is slow without the use of a practice on your own, such as meditation, yoga. A lot of people on this forum seem to like holotropic breathing.

 

[Origins]

@Hanna Luna why don’t you share what ideas you have so far? Not fooling me at all I know you have them already in your head so what are you doing so we know how to contribute? Great post.

Being over reality is a very important insight otherwise, as being determines our ability to perceive reality clearly and produce from our most creative states.