Question about a man's responsibility in sex

[Nahm]

34 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

@Nahm oh I understand now. That's what I usually try to do. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong, but after a while it feels like I'm repressing an important need if I don't tell her "hey, I'm not happy with our current dynamic and I'd like to feel more connected and passionate with you". 

But maybe you're right and I should just focus on making myself feel better and then maybe I don't feel the need to tell her that, because I'm usually frustrated when I say that and it just makes things worse. 

It's hard to find a balance between repression and oversharing.

It does take experience and some contemplation, and some feeling & experiencing of those reactions and impulses and ‘sitting with it’ to see that it passes, and is therefore recognized to not actually be a need, and in your communication with her you are not coming from frustration. That would only add to the stress. 

There is also the “swinging the pendulum too far the other way”, which also takes some experience to feel, grasp, and balance. 

I think you’re pickin up what I’m layin down. For a couple, a relationship, it’s about that balance as you mentioned. I would certainly encourage expressing how you feel, just letting the reaction pass first. It helps to have a “chill spot”. Somewhere you go, un-disturbed, so you can process the reactions without engaging her and later (after the reaction has passed) regretting it.   Even if how you feel is basically “you’re basically just for sex to me, I don’t care to deepen the relationship here”...express that sincerely. If how you feel is that you do desire to deepen the relationship, then expressing that you want more of you guys letting go of what doesn’t resonate (essentially the opposite of what stress is) and more enjoying each other and your time intimately, is what you want. Notice, very importantly, that stress doesn’t feel good to anyone. You & her both want to feel good, and not be stressed. With conversations in this regard, crazy as it might sound today, again, she very well may feel more comfortable in feeling that she isn’t just sex to you, and as such, might just look to sex with you sometimes as an activity in which she can de-stress. 

You might also keep in mind, and employ or suggest with her, intimacy that isn’t sex. Physical contact is very comforting and healing by nature. Simple stuff like giving each other massages, a back rub, etc. Ask her what she likes, what helps her take her mind of things and let go and relax. For some woman it’s foot rub, for some a back rub, for some hand rubs. Whatever. Might seem ‘odd’ to you, but the point (if it is your intention) is deepening the relationship, knowing what she likes. It goes both ways. 

[Lyubov]

some great advice in here

[somegirl]

@Farnaby I would say it's either her lack of interest in you or she indeed is going through a tough period in her life which blocks her mentally (because in sex mental stimulation is very important for girls) and that's why she doesn't feel like having sex.

If it's the later, you can try to be a good partner to her and support her through a tough time, hoping things will improve over time (if you care about her). But if it's something you simply can't fix and it's making your feel worse and worse (reminder: her problems are not your responsibility, in that case she needs to figure it out herself) then you can choose between leaving her or staying (if you think she is worth the effort). 

Hope this helps.

Edited March 2, 2021 by somegirl

[Farnaby]

@intotheblack hi! the rest of intimacy is generally very good, except for some recurring phases where I feel like she's more distant, hypercritical and I tend to withdraw. Not sure what comes first, if the chicken or the egg lol. 

We've been living together for almost 5 years and spend most of our time together, which I think has to change a bit so we can feel more fulfilled in other areas of our life. 

I agree that sex isn't the most important aspect and that's why I think this relationship is still worth it. But I can't deny what I'm feeling in regards to sex, feeling like she's not attracted to me, so I will keep working on going all in in general in my life and see where it leads me  

@Nahm yep, that really resonated. We do generally have lots of physical intimacy that isn't sex and I do lots of stuff to get some stresses off her shoulders. Although, at this point I have to mention that she tends to want to do her all herself (especially house chores) and when she's already stressed it's hard for her to feel that she can relax and that I have no problem with doing that stuff. 

Anyways, I will follow your advice because it rings true for me. 

@Lyubov indeed.

@somegirl thank you for your advice! It's the latter so I will give the relationship a chance but without neglecting myself and trying to stop resentment from building up because that just hurts both of us. 

[ilja]

@intotheblack if i have this long an intimacy with someone, i start adopting their thoughts and feelings.

[flume]

4 hours ago, flowboy said:

It's very hard for her to feel sexually open and relaxed with you, if she can feel that not  being sexual with you, will trigger you and cause you to withdraw

Damn. This is so true. I actually read something slightly different at first which is maybe equally true: It's very hard for her to feel sexually open and relaxed with you, if she can't feel that way when not  being sexual around you.

Which is sort of a tautology but still: Sex is just a reflection of the general relationship (GENERAL RELATIONSHIP)

13 hours ago, Farnaby said:

I feel responsible, but on the other hand I can't help feeling frustrated when I've been working on myself so I can feel more confidence and embody my masculinity and still feel like she doesn't want us to have sex. 

Here's the catch. I've been in this situation before. Woman can feel if you're just doing it for them and to get sex. And that's not sexy at all. "Work on yourself" all you want, do what you love in life but don't make these things dependent on her on some kind of outcome, especially not sex. The instinct is real, the turn off is huge and while you might be able to fool yourself for a while, you won't be able to fool her. She knows what's genuine. As paradoxical as it sounds, she wants you to be happy/ embodying your highest qualities completely independent of her. If you can do that, she'll naturally surrender and attraction won't be a problem (if she's the right woman for you).

[intotheblack]

9 hours ago, ilja said:

i have this long an intimacy with someone, i start adopting their thoughts and feelings.

You must be an empath   But I think it’s normal that if you are in a relationship and love someone that you feel their emotions too.  They become a part of you.

As long as you both have a strong sense of self and your own interests this wouldn’t b a problem.  
even though we live together we spend most of the time in separate rooms.  He would be working and I was on furlough so would just be doing my own thing.  I think that’s why lockdown caused so many couples to break up because they hadn’t spent that much time together before.  Taking long holidays together before living together would be a good test. 

You just have to be careful who you choose to spend your time with, this would happen with anyone you hang around with. That’s why so many people turn into their parents..
 

[intotheblack]

11 hours ago, Farnaby said:

We've been living together for almost 5 years and spend most of our time together, which I think has to change a bit so we can feel more fulfilled in other areas of our life. 

Yes maybe just by changing things up a bit and doing things separately would help! 
Also you could discuss where you see the relationship headed long term.  I don’t know your girlfriend but most times when I feel stressed or unhappy with life is because I feel I have no direction.  It could be that she feels the relationship isn’t headed to a destination so then that makes her lack motivation?  If she has said before that she wasn’t happy in the relationship what was the reason? 
 

[Farnaby]

@intotheblack she wasn't happy mainly because of what you said: she didn't see a clear direction where the relationship is headed towards, she was doubting if she's still in love (which went away after we talked it through and reconnected with each other) and she said that things that used to make her miss me, like me sleeping at a friend's house or going on a trip have started to not affect her at all and that's something she isn't used to when she feels in love. 

The last couple of days it's been a lot better and I think it has a lot to do with me showing up differently, taking care of my life purpose, etc.

[ilja]

@intotheblack why?

[zeroISinfinity]

On 2.3.2021. at 2:40 PM, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like she is just stressed or doesn't have her life together.

In this case it is your responsibility to decide whether she is right for you and to communicate your needs and expectations to her.

If her life is so chaotic that she cannot make time or be in the mood for sex on a regular basis, then that's really her problem and your job is to find a girl who is at your level.

But you don't understand. The more she is in the mess,better the sex life I had with her. 

Sweet youth and being a moron. 

Gd emotions, it's like a heroin. 

OP she doesn't love you or find you attractive so move on find another gf. 

Edited March 7, 2021 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

OP when you find that next gf be sure to actually take leading role in relationship and be a man or you will face this issue once again. 

I know I am going against western like thinking about this issue but trust me on this. 

Also to be a man doesn't mean to be a devil so have that in mind. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Forgot main thing. 

Sense of security. One of the key things women are looking for, most likely you lack that in her eyes. 

Doesn't matter in what mess she is, she will surrender to you. 

Work on yourself that's my tip. Problem is always in you and not in others. 

Edited March 7, 2021 by zeroISinfinity

[Arcangelo]

On 3/2/2021 at 3:57 AM, Farnaby said:

Hi! 

I'd like to hear your opinion on something that has been on my mind quite often. 

I feel like it's my responsibility as a man if my girlfriend isn't feeling interested in having sex. I'm not sure if this is a trauma response where I take on 100% of the responsibility, but I feel like the sexual tension/attraction mostly depends on how I'm showing up.

The problem with this is that I can take some rejection without my confidence being affected and stay in a positive mood, but when it happens more often or if I feel her being hypercritical or just somehow distant, it starts dragging me down and it becomes harder and harder (no pun intended lol) to be in the mood to embody those qualities that could ignite the passion. 

So, on one hand I feel responsible, but on the other hand I can't help feeling frustrated when I've been working on myself so I can feel more confidence and embody my masculinity and still feel like she doesn't want us to have sex. 

She says she is so stressed in general that she has no interest in sex at all right now, but a part of me doesn't believe this and I think I'm doing something wrong. 

It would be nice to hear your opinion on this topic, especially if you've been in long-term relationships or have experienced something like this. 

Thanks a lot! 

Oh man!

It's probably your fault.

What often happens in this situations is that the guy (you) cheat on her and/or she is already cheating on the guy (you).

[Farnaby]

@Arcangelo

6 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Oh man!

It's probably your fault.

What often happens in this situations is that the guy (you) cheat on her and/or she is already cheating on the guy (you).

Could you elaborate on how it could be my fault? I always tend to consider that every bad mood of my girlfriend (or almos everyone else) is my responsibility or my fault. I'm probably quite neurotic about it lol

No cheating though, we both are as honest as we can and we have often talked about how we would let the other one know if we're feeling attracted to another person and considering acting out that desire. Of course she could be lying to me but I know her enough to trust her on this and she trusts me too.