Question about a man's responsibility in sex

[Farnaby]

Hi! 

I'd like to hear your opinion on something that has been on my mind quite often. 

I feel like it's my responsibility as a man if my girlfriend isn't feeling interested in having sex. I'm not sure if this is a trauma response where I take on 100% of the responsibility, but I feel like the sexual tension/attraction mostly depends on how I'm showing up.

The problem with this is that I can take some rejection without my confidence being affected and stay in a positive mood, but when it happens more often or if I feel her being hypercritical or just somehow distant, it starts dragging me down and it becomes harder and harder (no pun intended lol) to be in the mood to embody those qualities that could ignite the passion. 

So, on one hand I feel responsible, but on the other hand I can't help feeling frustrated when I've been working on myself so I can feel more confidence and embody my masculinity and still feel like she doesn't want us to have sex. 

She says she is so stressed in general that she has no interest in sex at all right now, but a part of me doesn't believe this and I think I'm doing something wrong. 

It would be nice to hear your opinion on this topic, especially if you've been in long-term relationships or have experienced something like this. 

Thanks a lot! 

[Snader]

Yeah, it could be that she's going through some stressful times right now, but what I've experienced (when dealing with a feminine girl); as a man you have the power to make her stress disappear and pump her mood up so that she gets out of her stressful head. If she's more masculine, then it's not so easy.

Before I had any sense of myself or what I want out of life I used to be in a functional ''normal'' long-term relationship. Soon my uncertainty, complacency and lack of purpose started triggering my gf and eventually it made her take that masculine responsibility in our relationship that I was lacking. Soon that started poisoning our life including sex life, so we decided to break up. Of course I wasn't conscious and educated enough of these things back then. If I were I could've been able to work on myself and change the course.

If I were you I would still observe myself some more. Some women are really good at seeing through fake manhood while expecting a lot from her man. From a man even a small hesitation towards his purpose can make a strong woman skin him alive.

[mandyjw]

No, it's not your responsibility. She is telling you the truth about the stress, but the problem is that it's a perspective issue about her responsibilities, and maybe not necessarily the stress that's bothering her. That might be why you're doubting it. It's her responsibility to take care of her own stress levels. Really encourage her to get out, spend the day with a friend, or go do something she likes and get a break for a day. I bet you that night or shortly after she'll be very much in the mood. 

[ilja]

do you 2 have had sex at all?

Edited March 2, 2021 by ilja

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like she is just stressed or doesn't have her life together.

In this case it is your responsibility to decide whether she is right for you and to communicate your needs and expectations to her.

If her life is so chaotic that she cannot make time or be in the mood for sex on a regular basis, then that's really her problem and your job is to find a girl who is at your level.

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

In this case it is your responsibility to decide whether she is right for you and to communicate your needs and expectations to her.

If her life is so chaotic that she cannot make time or be in the mood for sex on a regular basis, then that's really her problem and your job is to find a girl who is at your level.

This^

Have a spine.

Be willing to move on from her if you guys aren't on the same page about sex.

Beware, your mind will guilt you into staying: "but isn't it unloving to leave her over something shallow like sex?"

If you fall for your mind's guilt trap, you'll continue to not have your needs met and it will slowly fester and both of you will become increasingly unhappy.

[Nahm]

How someone else feels is never your responsibility. In trying to make it your responsibility, you adopt the idea that you were ‘rejected’. Your girlfriend has thoughts, emotions, feeling, etc. Instead of making it about you being ‘rejected’, look to be there for her, to understand, to ‘hold space’, to listen so she can express... and don’t solve, judge, rationalize, make it about you, etc. Just listen so she can express.

Expression is relief, letting go of what doesn’t resonate by letting it out expressively. Hold her expressing and feeling better, in higher regard than you getting laid. Actually care about her...rather than seeing her as a means to your end. This selfless love and caring feels better than sex. (You get to have your cake and eat it too. This will lead to the greatest, most meaningful, intense, intimate & mind blowing sex you ever had - but you can’t make that the point, a ‘goal’). She told you it’s her stress level...actually listen to her, rather than project your ‘issues’ onto her. You’re not responsible for how she feels, and for you, it feels great to care about her, to love less conditionally, putting your wants or needs aside for a minute. 

Because you’re missing this and projecting, you’re keeping yourself on a roller coaster of up & downs in terms of rejection & confidence, working on yourself,  rejection & confidence, working on yourself, rejection & confidence, working on yourself. 

“Working on yourself”...seems to basically mean...getting laid. That is not going to be very attractive to your girlfriend. It kind of says “I’m not thinking or caring about how you feel or what you say...you tell me how you feel, and I just don’t believe you...but lets have sex so I don’t feel rejected”.

It’ll likely feel more stressful to her, as in, since “you’ve been working on yourself” she’s expected to feel great and thus feel sexual. It’s highly likely what she wants is someone who cares about her as a partner, and listens to her...and it’s very likely she will find that.

When she is feeling your sincerity in caring, she is feeling like she has a partner in life, not just in bed. Might sound crazy right now, but this leads to her saying things down the road like “I am so stressed! Let’s have sex.”

[Farnaby]

@Snader yes, that has been my experience too and that's why I'm not a fan of the idea of breaking up a beautiful relationship where the only thing that I miss is feeling like she's sexually attracted to me. Especially because like you, I think how I show up has a huge impact on this and I believe it can get better (because I've seen in happen in the past). The problem I'm facing is being able to remain grounded when this dynamic has been going on for quite some time. It's easy to get frustrated. Anyways, thanks a lot for your input!

@mandyjw thank you for your advice! Yes, I think that there is some deeper stuff going on and not just stress from studying and work, because we had an honest conversation a couple of days ago where she said she wasn't feeling very happy in the relationship. After talking about this and opening up to each other, the lack of connection we were both complaining about, started to dissipate. 

@ilja yes. We're not the most passionate couple though (which I think has to do with neglecting some important aspects in the relationship and our own insecurities).

@Leo Gura thanks for your input. I have been gravitating towards that honesty (accepting wherever it leads us) lately when we talk about all these things and it seems to be helping.

@RendHeaven I've certainly considered this option and I've experienced that internal struggle. Not so much in the sense that you said it (judging sex as something shallow), but more related to me not wanting to give up on this relationship while I think it can be fixed. 

@Nahm thanks a lot for your in-depth answer. Many of the things you said resonated deeply. I just want to make it clear that I'm not pursuing sex for the sake of sex, but because it increases my connection and intimacy for her. Also, because feeling like you can't sexually approach your partner becomes quite frustrating and it probably triggers some personal stuff around not being good enough. Maybe I'm selfish, but I think many people would feel that way after a while. 

I actually tend to be on the opposite side of the spectrum (people pleasing, putting other people's needs above my own), not on the side of people who quit a relationship as soon as the other person isn't fulfilling some personal need.

I'm also not working on myself to get laid, but because it feels good to overcome my fears, insecurities and become more masculine. It feels natural and good. 

However, I have to admit that you are right about my tendency to try to "solve" the problem and I do get frustrated when nothing changes. It's true that when I just hold space and when I'm able to be more selfless, magic happens and we feel connected again. The problem for me is doing that when I'm triggered. The only thing I've found that works for me is focusing on myself and how to feel better, before returning to her. 

[flowboy]

I remember you posted about the same thing a couple months ago. But apparently it worsened - your sex life is suffering now. I'm sorry to hear that.

It's very hard for her to feel sexually open and relaxed with you, if she can feel that not  being sexual with you, will trigger you and cause you to withdraw in order to "work on yourself". Withdrawing is one of the worst things you can do to the feminine.

28 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

I miss is feeling like she's sexually attracted to me

Are you sexually attracted to you?

 

28 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

neglecting some important aspects in the relationship and our own insecurities

This seems important. Wanna expand on that? Since your relationship is really in crisis from what I read here, it's time to look where you don't want to look.

28 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

she said she wasn't feeling very happy in the relationship

You don't get many of these warnings man. It's possible that it's objectively better for you guys to part ways.

 

28 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

The only thing I've found that works for me is focusing on myself and how to feel better, before returning to her. 

You said that 3-5 months ago, that that was your strategy - but that is coping, not transforming. And since then it's become critically worse because she's losing sexual attraction. So clearly that strategy doesn't work, even though it's the most comfortable.

 

Have you read The Way Of The Superior Man? If not, do. If yes, give it a re-read.

 

How's your purpose doing?

 

?

Edited March 2, 2021 by flowboy

[RendHeaven]

49 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

me not wanting to give up on this relationship while I think it can be fixed. 

It's over, dude

[Nahm]

58 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

thanks a lot for your in-depth answer. Many of the things you said resonated deeply. I just want to make it clear that I'm not pursuing sex for the sake of sex, but because it increases my connection and intimacy for her. Also, because feeling like you can't sexually approach your partner becomes quite frustrating and it probably triggers some personal stuff around not being good enough. Maybe I'm selfish, but I think many people would feel that way after a while. 

I hear ya. Sorry if I was heavy handed so to speak.    I suggest you can sexually approach your partner, anytime you want. The thought that you can’t would be frustrating, but not because it’s true, because it isn’t true. You totally can.   As I believe you’re saying, or maybe discovering, the frustration is not from approaching your partner for sex, and the frustration is not from her reciprocating or not reciprocating, nor is the frustration from having the sex or not having the sex. The frustration is how you think about yourself, as rejected. She’s not ‘rejecting’ you, she’s sharing that she’s not in the mood because she is stressed. 

The root, or if you like, source, of everything you feel is Oneness. In spite of all appearances, it is literally not possible for you to actually experience rejection. There is only the potential to believe your own thought that you are rejected - even though feeling is telling you it’s not true - and to react and or behave as if it were true anyways.  Again, it sounds like you’re seeing what I’m saying here.  

Quote

I actually tend to be on the opposite side of the spectrum (people pleasing, putting other people's needs above my own), not on the side of people who quit a relationship as soon as the other person isn't fulfilling some personal need.

I'm also not working on myself to get laid, but because it feels good to overcome my fears, insecurities and become more masculine. It feels natural and good. 

However, I have to admit that you are right about my tendency to try to "solve" the problem and I do get frustrated when nothing changes. It's true that when I just hold space and when I'm able to be more selfless, magic happens and we feel connected again. The problem for me is doing that when I'm triggered. The only thing I've found that works for me is focusing on myself and how to feel better, before returning to her. 

Yeah. Keep doing that, excellent. You’ll find that from experiencing the trigger emotionally...but not reacting behaviorally....you’ll experience more clarity (that you’re not being rejected) and you’ll thus be free from ’rejection’ for the duration, for this lifetime. 

In a bigger picture if you will, just as a reference for you, this is how reiki classes work. Reiki 1 is “heal yourself’. Reiki 2 is “help others heal themself”. Reiki 3 is “teach reiki”. When one skips reiki 1, and reiki 2...and attempts to teach, all kinds of vibrational misunderstanding occurs. 

[ilja]

@Farnaby hey its alright you dont need to be the most passionate couple. if you want to keep the relationship going you should try, just try to do it without being scared of the worst outcome or too much affection and expectations. if it doesnt work out its ok to be upset about it.

Edited March 2, 2021 by ilja

[flowboy]

IMO, this is almost over. She will break up with you in a couple weeks to a couple months, depending on how decisive or impulsive she is.

That's where you are, so wake up. 

I've been in a similar situation (the repeating pattern that she didn't want sex and I was reactive to it and got very needy) and I was able to fix it that time and restore the passion, at least for 8 more months. I could only come up with that fix because I had read the book I referenced. It saved my ass there.

So there may be a possibility to recover, but only if you are willing to take action and radically change course. What they are, depends on the specifics of the problems you say you have been neglecting. (In my case, I fixed it by finding a new hobby that connected to my purpose which made me less dependent on her approval, and more centered and grounded)

Then again, maybe it's for the best that it's over. Maybe she can't be what she needs to be to make this work. Maybe you can't be what is needed to make this work. That is totally fine too! Trust in that, if that's the case.

It will enable you both to reflect and grow a lot, and get you out of complacency to learn some lessons that you are not willing or ready to learn while in the comfort of this relationship. A breakup merely means a growth spurt and more happiness down the line, don't you forget that

 

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Edited March 2, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, Farnaby said:

We're not the most passionate couple though

Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with passion? Possibly with someone else who you are more passionate about?

What do you want, passion-wise?

Some people really don't want passion. That can work, but only if their partner also doesn't want it. Most people, knowingly or not, do want it.

Which type are you? And she?

[Farnaby]

@flowboy thanks a lot for your advice. Yes, you're right that by looking where I didn't want to look (i.e how easily I get triggered and lose confidence) and acting in a more masculine way, such as not hiding my truth, being as honest as I can, focusing on my purpose, things seem to get back on the right track.

Yes I've read that book and have been listening to lots of stuff about relationship dynamics, masculinity-femininity and so on. 

What do you mean when you say that working on myself is a coping mechanism? I always felt like withdrawing was my main coping mechanism and I see how from time to time I withdraw when I focus on working on myself, but lately what I mean by "working on myself" is actually the opposite: to stop hiding and facing uncomfortable situations, trying to connect to my inner truth and overcoming my fear of conflict.

About the passion, I do want more of that. When it was there it's when I felt most alive and not being able to satisfy that need feels unnatural to me. I'm not the type to need to get laid with many different women because I like the depth of more intimate relationships (that's probably my feminine side), but with the person I choose I need to have a decent amount of passion and so on in order to feel happy. 

She used to be more passionate, but was never the ultra passionate type. However, if we can have what we had before all of this, I would be satisfied. 

@Nahm don't worry, I know how easy it is to misinterpret things over the internet. I hear what you say and it makes sense on a spiritual level, but I feel like I can't control whether I'll feel frustrated/rejected or not. I feel like the uncomfortable sensation precedes the story of "she rejected me, there's something wrong about me". The story is probably not true, but I can't just neglect the sensation and override it with a more positive thought. 

Your answers, especially the first one, helped me a lot though, because you hit the nail on the head with many things you said  

@ilja yep, I think that's the way forward. Go all-in, stop withdrawing when conflict arises and see what happens. Thank you!

[Nahm]

@Farnaby

Thanks, appreciate that.  I’m definitely not suggesting neglecting feeling, nor overriding feeling. I am suggesting the opposite...that you feel the reaction, but that you don’t make it about anyone else... that you don’t react behaviorally (what you say & do).  By feeling the reaction and ‘sitting with it’, you realize no one else is involved, and that you’re holding a belief about yourself which isn’t true, and that’s why it feels ‘off’. 

[Farnaby]

@Nahm oh I understand now. That's what I usually try to do. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong, but after a while it feels like I'm repressing an important need if I don't tell her "hey, I'm not happy with our current dynamic and I'd like to feel more connected and passionate with you". 

But maybe you're right and I should just focus on making myself feel better and then maybe I don't feel the need to tell her that, because I'm usually frustrated when I say that and it just makes things worse. 

It's hard to find a balance between repression and oversharing.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Farnaby

[flowboy]

7 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

not hiding my truth, being as honest as I can, focusing on my purpose

If you are showing up this way, then that's good. Make sure you are happy with your life independent of her. Do the emotionally hard thing.

If you are, then relax and let the chips fall where they may. Either the passion comes back, or she's not the right woman for you anymore. 

Accept and be at peace with either outcome

[flowboy]

@Farnaby That's probably where the work is, for you. By not fully accepting that it may be over, you are paradoxically attracting that outcome, with your fear.

So work on that fear. 

I'll give you this exercise, a powerful fear buster:

1. If the relationship ended, what would be the first 20 actions you would take? List them all here. Number 1 till 20.

2. In 2 years' time, where would you be in that case? How would your life purpose be doing? How would your living situation be? How would you be doing on relationships and passion?

3. Compare that situation to your current one.

 

?

Edited March 2, 2021 by flowboy

[intotheblack]

@Farnaby 

how is the rest of the intimacy in the relationship.. like confiding in eachother and being emotional together? 

Are you often physically intimate? Intimacy isn’t just meaning sex.

how often do you see eachother?

Me and my boyfriend have been through a dry spell lately.  We live together and we had been in lockdown since December..  but this came from both sides.  We simply just didn’t feel in the mood to have sex.. there was no pressure from either side.  We joked about us not having sex.. we didn’t have sex for nearly 6 weeks lol We talked about it a few times and came to the conclusion that: 

we were home all the time, and simply didn’t feel sexy

We cuddle and kiss a lot, so are having physical touch needs met consistently

We are always talking to eachother 

We were feeling lazy and couldn’t be bothered to have sex 

I think as long as you are having other needs met then sex isn’t a huge issue, but it’s important to make effort.  It’s also important to talk openly about it.
If your girlfriend says she feels stressed, maybe think about what you could do to take some of the weight off her In other ways, like cooking a nice meal or giving her a massage. 

 

 

Edited March 2, 2021 by intotheblack