I need some advice, guidance...

[Pendulum]

Hi all,

I came upon Leo and his videos by accident 4-5 years ago, at the time when I was really fucked up. Porn addiction, laziness, being a doormat etc. you name it. Then the work began. Raising awareness and taking responsibility, and things started going well. Until for the last few years..realized that I fucked up my life situation because I was, "just too good", as people commonly say.. which is a complete bullshit of course lol because that behaviour is coming from fear. I am fucking afraid of EEverything. Which is kind of ironic because I've had a bunch of pro martial art fights. What a fucking ego blow, I'm scared as fuck.

Also I kind of know exactly what to do, yet I don't. That's kind of common as well.. but the thing is, it's like I sabotage myself for a reason that I dont know yet. I've got a vague idea that I'm doing it because I want to hit bottom. I've been on the bottom for fucking years!! The pit is so fucking deep, I just keep falling. I'm in a same depressive state I was few years ago, when I used sleep as an escape. Still do. But I got a job now and kind of work routine so I'm used to being depressed, so to speak. Wake up, "work" and sleep. Literally almost nothing else, and I've put the word "work" in quotes because I mostly drift away and don't do shit, just pretend. Now I feel kind of bad writing this, since I'm "working" lol

I physically didn't do anything for the last 12 months, like almost literally. Done like 50 pushups in total and had 1 running session..can't explain it. It's like I have a switch or a wall inside a brain so to speak which prevents me from doing any physical exercise. I'm also so skinny that I look malnourished. Posture is terrible. Barely eat, once a day maybe.. even less when i smoke weed. Weed is another problem now, I've replaced excessive sleep with it. Just another way of escaping reality so to speak, "I know". I just don't see the point in ANYTHING.

People who matter honestly love me(well not unconditionally obviously) and want to be around me but I've cut off almost all. Speak only to few good friends and that's it.. and even that's on its last legs because I've been avoiding people too much and just don't have the energy or motivation to socially interact. Not speaking to girls because I'm super insecure, even though I'm at least ~8 lol. I feel like I've lost social skills as well during the last few years. Also struggling with emotional problems, I have to be super conscious not to bee a door mat. I also have fantasies of hurting people. I think that if somebody attacked me or something I would literally kill the man and not stop, elbow his fucking face on the ground. Yeah and also I just feel like i don't love anyone. ANYONE. I also became super selfish.

Been like this for last few years and it's getting worse, I just don't know what to do anymore

tnx for reading

[Waken]

I can see you think that you need to act on certain things that you THINK are good for you. However, I feel differently.

This one principle explained in this video can completely turn it all around for you, that seems to be my experience anyway.
If the video seems to long for you to check, here is a shorter one of only 2:42 min, lol: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThgAP9xbaKQ

 

[Pendulum]

2 hours ago, Waken said:

I can see you think that you need to act on certain things that you THINK are good for you. However, I feel differently.

This one principle explained in this video can completely turn it all around for you, that seems to be my experience anyway.
If the video seems to long for you to check, here is a shorter one of only 2:42 min, lol: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThgAP9xbaKQ

 

thanks bro, ill check it out

[mandyjw]

It's a focus problem, which by focus, I mean self love, not more self discipline. Your body will defocus if you don't focus properly, and will do stuff like skip meals, and want to sleep all the time. That's how it takes care of itself. 

If you can get to a state where you can get excited about things, that's effortless focus. But you can't go there from the state you're in immediately because your perspective is colored. The main problem is entertaining thoughts reflected back at yourself for failing. You call yourself a failure so you maintain the identity that you don't want, since it's the only one you're offering in thought. There's no rock bottom, there's no bottom at all, just right now. The present moment is pure potential and pure forgiveness. Seen Leo's self love video?

Start to look for stuff that inspires you, no matter how small. 

10 hours ago, Pendulum said:

People who matter honestly love me(well not unconditionally obviously) and want to be around me but I've cut off almost all. 

Why? 

Start to focus on the life you want to live, not the one you don't want to live. Let yourself off the hook, then get inspired, write down what comes to you and you'll find the energy flows. 

That's why personal development people are like, "set your alarm and meditate or go running first thing in the morning!" Why? Cause you don't have a chance to think about it. It's done before you had a chance to shoot it down and feel bad for not having done it. Then there's just momentum from there the rest of the day. Once you get momentum it snowballs. Start a first thing in the habit morning if you want, or make some sort of inspired action moving towards what you want, not cause it makes you a better person but because it makes you feel better. There are tons of other ways to get momentum, the way is whatever feels good to you, but you have to stop pushing against yourself first before you can move forward. 

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

@Pendulum

You’re thinking thoughts about yourself which don’t feel good, and calling that fear, and believing you’re right about your assessment. 

Now you’re stuck in that righteousness. 

While the relief is admitting to yourself you’re jealous, not afraid. 

Jealousy is a gift. Some people feel it, understand it, move on easily. Some stay in fear and make up stories around it. 

[Loving Radiance]

@Pendulum  Advice & guidance hmm....

What I discovered just today is that there's the belief that I am not worthy. That doesn't feel good of course. So I made an affirmation containing "I am loved & I am worthy" and speaking happened on its own without control: the character spoke what he always knew as he spoke the prayer, his truth. I literally cried my soul out. So much anger at keeping myself small. So much drive to get what is mine. Feeling strong to steamroll to the life that I want to live. Feeling good now.

In reality you want to be great and shine your true self and show yourself to the world unabashedly. You want to rip your heart open and share your gift with the world.

Any area in life with continued & reoccuring bad results is an area where limiting beliefs are working. Limiting believes are tricky. There can be meta-limiting beliefs that affect many areas of your life at the same time. Uncover what you believe about yourself that doesn't feel good and keeps you small. Peel back the layers. Drop the masks of what you think to be.

When you recognized your limiting beliefs you can turn them around and make an affirmation. Perhaps visualization works for you too: visualize how you feel when you are [worthy & loved] because you are already it right now. Everything gets dropped that arises and doubts or contradicts the affirmation & visualization because you recognize that they aren't true, they don't ring true or resonate in you. You are already that what you want. You know yourself better than any limiting belief could ever convince you of.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Loving Radiance