The magical toilet - [200 uq LSD]

[Sanity]

My trip intentions were focused on understanding embarrassment, fear and lust in relation to my insecurities as a perfectionist.

[Trip report]

I am lying down on my bed looking up into the ceiling, there are moving lights or shades reflected by the cars from the outside coming from the window. The shade seems to have several dimensions of shade, there are layers and they all had their own specific colour. They moved and they danced. My chandelier started to dance as well, every string for itself. Suddenly the curved chandelier turned into a full square and flicked back and forth in pulsating flow. It was breathing. The wooden veins on my closet started to move and fluctuate in speed.

 

The nipple of my chandelier turned into a nipple of a mother figure and the lights or shades from the reflecting light coming through the window turned into the body of a mother figure. The Motherly body figure turned into a macho man in his pride. I felt the raw power of something which felt like superiority and confidence. I felt like I could reach for whatever I wanted to and that everyone would love me for doing it.

 

There was a switch in consciousness and suddenly I was reduced to what I felt like was a minor, decayed, diseased and ugly man. I was seeing myself completely unlovable and disgusted by society. But there was still love somehow, it was just manifested in hobbies and interesting occupations.

 

I swapped back to the superior man and sex was my love, and that was the only love I knew, but it was not a problem because I could get all the sex in the world I wanted.

 

I turned back to the minor man, but this time I was sitting on a bench with an old lady on the brink of death. I was sitting there well knowing, that we didn’t have a long time before death would take us and that sex wasn’t the way to love anymore, because our sexual organs were fully dysfunctional. But I was sitting there with this old lady which was my wife, and holding her hand. We were smiling and gazing out on the horizon. Love and beauty were manifested through gazing at the beauty of life and that you had someone to share it with.

 

I found myself at the toilet trying to pee but felt like I have partly forgotten how to pee. The room was dark, I forgot to turn on the light…

 

Suddenly I feel a sensation in my body that makes my body feel like a universe on its own. It feels like a meteorite, planet or sun are moving through a galaxy, which is my body. I realize that it is just me pissing, but it seems so magical in its experience. I got back to my room. I’m looking out of my apartment window, I’m seeing all the cars moving in their rigid lanes and seeing the light in the traffic light change. I noticing the sensation of being able to feel the cars moving inside of me and the light changing from the traffic light. It’s almost like I’m both my body and the world simultaneously. I start looking at a single hair on my hand and touches it with my other hand, I’m amazed about the intense sensation I get from that single hair. I walk back to my bed staring at my hands then my blanket, then back at my hands while everything else in the room blurs out. I realize that my hands and my blanket are the only things that exist. I look closer to my blanket and are amazed at how many details there are to be found in my blanket, I zoom in to a specific spot on my blanket and details continue to arise. The details seem to have no end the further I zoom in and then suddenly I realize everything is gone. My body is gone! I'm Dead!

 

I died, and I didn’t think I would come back again, I was the universe now and I couldn’t go back to my human form. I was in grief, I lost something dear to me… my life as a human and in exchange, I was given divinity… and oneness. I was ashamed that I couldn’t control my construct as a human for a while longer. I felt like, I hadn't explored all the things my human form had to offer. I was in grief, it was so interesting to be human.... There was a whisper in the background “pssst look over here”, it was like there was an extra curtain to the divinity state, almost like there was even more consciousness to be had, than the current state I was in at that point. It provoked my curiosity, and there it was behind the curtain, the endless hole of infinite consciousness going on forever and ever, there wasn’t any end to it, there wasn’t any last level, it was just one endless hole deeping itself constantly. I felt intense fear, amazement and love at the same time, the hole was going both ways both up in consciousness and down. It didn’t matter which way I took and as the divine being I was, I both loved being as I was, but I was also in love with the human form, I was in love with everything. Nothing was wrong. I felt an intense curiosity, I felt like Indiana Jones on divine drugs whose only purpose was to explore the deep layers of everything. Every rock had to be turned and studied.

 

Then suddenly I was converted into a humane figure without gender and gave birth to myself. I was confused and bewildered, where was I?  until I realized I was back in my human body again! I could smell the air, feel my blanket underneath me. I raised myself and felt the human sensation of needing to pee, I was back! I rushed to my bedroom door and was heading towards the toilet in excitement. I opened my bedroom door and was amazed that there was a world outside my door. Then out of nowhere, my roommate asks me, “I’m about to clean the bathroom, do you want to go first?” I was confused, what is this? there are other humans as well!? Wow!!! What a fucking world to be alive in!! I opened my mouth trying to figuring out how to speak human language, and said something like “no you can go first”. My roommate then said, “are you sure?” I answered, "yeah you go ahead" and closed the door.

 

I felt a concentrated feeling of embarrassment, fear, and lust. I was caught in the act! My female roommate didn’t know I was using psychedelics, so I felt dirty. The other people in the apartment knew I was using psychedelics from time to time. But she didn’t, and I was hating myself for being so careless, why didn’t I tell her about it, set and setting come on! I was constantly jumping in and out of the reality of me being an induvial and a divine being where it didn’t matter if I did something carelessly. My trip intention was specifically embarrassment, fear and lust. Now I had embarrassment and shame full-on in my trip. I was studying the feeling from all its angles. First I was listening to myself yelling “Sheee knooows everything, you should have said your sentences differently!” “Did you even say anything to her!?” “didn’t you just smack your door in her face with a stoned face” “Your eyes were dilated!” “she scared of you now!! Aaaaah!.

 

Then it merged into me seeing it from her side. Where the story was filling with compassion and understanding. She didn’t see a problem with it, and she was saying not to be so hard on myself.

 

I merged into a divine being, where nothing was wrong or right and that she was me, I was her.

 

I was looping through these phases constantly for several hours and showed a huge gallery of how embarrassment worked in its many forms and colours.

 

I talked with her later that day, she did not mind me using psychedelics at all, and she didn’t even notice, that I was sky-high.

 

I was starting the trip at 7:00 in the morning and it was not almost 15:00, I wasn’t even close to being normal yet and I didn’t really dare to go outside of my bedroom door, because I couldn’t handle bumping into my roommates. Language seems too complicated and I felt like my pupils were pulsating. I escaped into drawing and tried to go through my feels trough the medium of drawing digital art. I was scared, lost and felt like I would be shunned by everyone at one moment, then loved and desired at the next moment and the last moment I was divine, careless and free. I was drawing like a lunatic, the drawing was both an escape and immersion into the emotions. I felt like I had no control over, what I was just drawing, I was just drawing something, and was realizing on the way, what I was drawing.

[Trip report End]

 

That’s all I hope you enjoyed this story, tell me what you think

 

This is my integration actions from the trip:

• Love can be manifested in all forms – hobbies, sex, exploration, life partners and etc. Choose your love or choose multiple, it does not matter in the end. More is not necessarily better.
• You will never fully understand a subject or a thing, there will always be a deeper understanding of something, if you are willing to look for it.
• You will never reach a plateau, where you are the perfect version of yourself, there will always be a step further than the previous. Stop being so hard on yourself, you will never be “perfect”, it is a journey, not a competition.
• Study your problems from a different perspective instead of staying in a singular perspective. Your perspective, another person seeing you doing the act - perspective, you seeing another person doing the act - Perspective, two random people doing the act - perspective.
• If the environment allows it, then confess or tell the truth to them, you will be way more relaxed then.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Sanity