Eliminating approach anxiety

[StarStruck]

Is this possible?

In my case, the anxiety always comes from not knowing what to say or to do. Or striking a blanc. 

If I know what to say and to do I'm not anxious. In those cases I'm just radiating calmness and not giving a fuck. Most of the cases I'm like that. 

There is however times that I just get caught in my head and I'm just trying to center myself in the now. Things get better but I noticed general mood influences me so much. 

If I feel vibrant things feel so effortless. The thing I can't always produce such an interstate. Sometimes you just have to work with the energetic state that one is at. 

The bad thing is that I'm in a depressive state. Lockdown has put me in isolation. Not speaking to any people for a long time and and approaching a pretty hot thing is scary. 

The thing is if I shut my mind and just go through the movements I can do it but there always comes point with some silences. I just don't know how to lead a conversation I think. There is no predetermined  path and I do have the intuition but it is not good.  

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by StarStruck

[Roy]

Well simply put the best way to get rid of that anxiety is to get experience, which is done by simply doing it. But that's just stating the obvious and not very helpful. So here is something that might help -

Think of approaching women like running into a bear in the woods (stay with me here lol). It seems terrifying on face value and you have this list of reasons why it's bad and scary, but the truth is the overwhelming majority of the time they are more scared of you than you are of them. So are you never going to walk again on a beautiful hiking trail because you might run into a bear? No, fuck that! You are a man and you have the right to enjoy whatever path you damn well please!

Of course you're not at risk of being mauled to death by a woman (depends actually ). So like running into an actual bear the best thing you can do in those situations is show confidence (even if it's feigned for now). If you do this women will feel more comfortable to let their guard down and fall back into their feminine nature and submit to you (like how a bear will run away if you make noise and make yourself large). The truth is they WANT to submit to a strong authentic man. Even if all their logic and language is saying otherwise. Realize this and make it your job to embody this in a healthy, skilled way.

Think about it. Why should you be more scared than them? You're supposed to be the man and get what you damn well want! Put the ball in their court by being fearless, because really what do you have to fear anyways?

[StarStruck]

@Roy that is true. Fear turns into excitement if you embrace it. 

I guess the only thing I worry (and thus not approach when I have the chance) about is my lack of smoothness, leaving too many empty spaces in the conversation and not leading. 

I think approaching a girl can be compared to dancing. Having couple of good moves that last couple of minutes is not enough.  A good dancer is consistent for perhaps an hour. 

Last weeks I did do some approaches but this problem of not having a strong base is something I can't improve. If I just "be myself" as the popular advice goes I'm just silent and I think it comes off as boring. It doesn't work if you are trying to seduce for short term hookup. Girls want to have fun. Good vibes. 

Edited February 27, 2021 by StarStruck

[Arcangelo]

7 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Is this possible?

Yes all you have to do is grow a pair of testicles.

[StarStruck]

5 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

Yes all you have to do is grow a pair of testicles.

I have two big ones dangling.

[hyruga]

You need to build up your skills so you have less approach anxiety.

Read So Good they can't ignore you or Improve your social skills.

[Leo Gura]

Just approach regardless of how you feel. Sometimes you will chicken out. That's game. You don't need perfection to get results.

[Lyubov]

Two prong approach

- inner work: talking with a therapist that you really like (and that works with the body as well) to uncover beliefs and the bodily responses to them. 
- what Leo said, approaching anyway, and putting into practice a lot of what you learned from inner work

 No need to try and control emotions like this. Stuff like this arises in the body sometimes, feel it, be conscious of it, give yourself love, and still be honest and approach

[Seth]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 You don't need perfection to get results.

This is such an important thing to remember when doing self-help.

[Space]

@StarStruck It is possible but there isn't really any way round this problem i'm afraid. In order to overcome approach anxiety you must approach. But you'l be surprised by how much the anxiety drops after just a handful of approaches. The first ones are always the hardest though. But I absolutely promise you, the vast majority of the anxiety goes away after you start doing approaches.

Really the key is to just get those first few approaches in as quickly as possible. I was taught to start by walking up to any girl or woman and giving her a genuine compliment on the way she looks. And if you do it from a genuine place, like you actually mean the compliment, you have a smile on your face, it feels great and girls love it!

I'd used to say something like 'Excuse me, Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you have really nice eyes'. Something like that. It just gets you moving towards the girl and starting the conversation which is where the anxiety was for me. So just physically doing that, without having any intention of having a conversation with the girl, really helps. Try going out and giving 2 compliments to 2 different girls, and then walking away.

[universe]

1. You are anxious because you don't know what to say. You are blocking yourself with perfectionism. Perfectionism mostly comes from a need for control. Release your need for control. Refer to this post I did about integrating emotions.

2. You are not depressed because of the lockdown and isolation. You are depressed because you are telling yourself that and because you resist feeling certain emotions. If you feel and let go of these emotions your Emotional State will elevate easily.

3. Having silence in conversations is ok. Again, it is your need to control everything that takes you into your head and ultimately is preventing you from real Growth in this area. When you two are in silence, notice how your need for controlling the situation comes up. Accept it fully and ask yourself if you can let it go. Get out of your head, into your body. Feel whatever comes up, feel her.

[Arcangelo]

Never give compliments to a woman unless she is asking for it.

Giving compliments is like becoming a fan instead of an equal.

If you treat her like a queen she will treat you like a peasant, if you treat her like a celebrity she will treat you like a fan.

Is like kissing ass, and not in the good way.

 

 

Arc

[Nahm]

On 2/27/2021 at 1:16 PM, StarStruck said:

Is this possible?

In my case, the anxiety always comes from not knowing what to say or to do. Or striking a blanc. 

If I know what to say and to do I'm not anxious. In those cases I'm just radiating calmness and not giving a fuck. Most of the cases I'm like that. 

Not knowing is not knowing.

Quote

There is however times that I just get caught in my head and I'm just trying to center myself in the now. Things get better but I noticed general mood influences me so much. 

Mood is not separate of you, and thus there is no potential for mood to influence you. You’re aware of mood. Mood is never aware of you. 

Quote

If I feel vibrant things feel so effortless. The thing I can't always produce such an interstate. Sometimes you just have to work with the energetic state that one is at. 

Other people use the emotional scale and change their mood at will. Effortlessly. 

Quote

The bad thing is that I'm in a depressive state.

You’re awareness of the depression. The depression is not aware of you. You can not therefore be in a depressive state. 

Quote

Lockdown has put me in isolation. Not speaking to any people for a long time and and approaching a pretty hot thing is scary. 

Only if you misinterpret excitement, and are unwilling to be open minded enough to understand how you are. 

Quote

The thing is if I shut my mind and just go through the movements I can do it but there always comes point with some silences. I just don't know how to lead a conversation I think. There is no predetermined  path and I do have the intuition but it is not good.  

Recognize you’re doing precisely what you want to. Foolish not to enjoy doing what you want to. Attractive, on enjoying doing what they want to. 

[Loving Radiance]

On 27.2.2021 at 7:16 PM, StarStruck said:

not knowing what to say or to do. Or striking a blanc.

Intentionally go in a conversation with anybody to a place where you don't know what to say or do or you have a blanc. Be present. Be there. Enjoy the moment, the silence and feel, if it truly needs words.

On 27.2.2021 at 7:16 PM, StarStruck said:

but it is not good

Why shouldn't it be good?

[diamondpenguin]

Honestly just be her friend for god sakes. That's a huge problem we face as guys and that's you just want to fuck her. If u just want to fuck her and not be her friend, of course you'll be nervous. So be her friend.