Fear Of Going Deeper

[friend-man]

Hello everyone.

I need some support on "how" I can go deeper, or a better way to say it... Is the balls to do it really... Part of me doesn't want to go deeper, because I know that if I go deeper I will die.

I am realizing that I can't have both.

I can't have the safety and security and completely let go at the same time,

And fear arises when I realize this and get closer to Infinite.

I just wanted to share some context with you so you can understand of where I'm at in my awakening journey.

I've been meditating basically every single day for almost 6 years now.

I'm in a space right now where I can 80-90% of the time consistently hold awareness of the "I" that transcends all form.

I notice that I fall back into identification with form sometimes but of course...

As soon as I notice...

I am back.

This started to settle in deeper for the last 2 months,

And I've just been deeply focusing on awareness its self.

I'm at the point where my meditation "technique" isn't even a technique anymore,

Either I'm conscious of consciousness,

Or I'm not.

It's as simple as that.

Life IS a meditation.

Of course I have my 20-30 minute daily formal practise which brings Life Force to my body but nonetheless though life its self is the meditation.

I keep my attention at all times on awareness its self,

And that is the space that I live from.

Also I think it is important to share I have been using magic mushrooms and micro dosing + meditation,

And as soon as I start to get closer to Infinite,

Where I am Leo,

And every one,

And everything,

And all the trails and signs that lead me to awaken to that point,

Were of course...

All just me.

I pull back.

It becomes so scary because I literally realize that I am fucking Eckhart Tolle,

And Leo,

And anyone else that has given me some trails on how to get to that point.

And I also realize that all possibilities are here now and didn't happen in the past or the future,

Because time doesn't exist and it's happening now.

I completely lose any sense of control and it freaks the fuck out of my ego.

I get scared and observe fear within my system.

The best thing really I could do in that moment is immediately go into "meditation",

And HOLD that awareness of awareness RELENTLESSLY,

I know the answer is simple...

All I need is to is hold attention of Awareness of Awareness at ALL costs,

And let the process unfold,

Which is to some degree what I'm already doing,

And although that is the solution and there's NOTHING else anyone can say,

And NO logical piece of knowledge will help,

Because the ONLY thing that can really allow the awakening to go deeper is holding that attention and allowing the fear to move through,

And use it go go deeper,

But if anyone has anything to share around how to take this deeper feel free to share and I would really appreciate it.

Much Love,

friend-man

 

[friend-man]

By the way I just wanted to add,

Part of the fear is that I won’t come back.

That if I fully let go while on a mushrooms trip in meditation,

That I won’t come back to the physical body.

But I feel like In order to have a full awakening I need to let go of that in order to have the awakening,

Or is this not the case? 

Can I completely let go with the assurance that I will come back to my physical body or that re assurance stopping me from awakening?

In my mind there is a a genuine concern that if I surrender in meditation during a trip there’s a chance I’m not coming back.

And I’m not ready for this.

I want to become God and surrender and learn who I am but I still want to come back if that makes sense.

Hope this makes sense the way I’m communicating it.

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by friend-man

[Kamo]

On 2/27/2021 at 0:31 AM, friend-man said:

By the way I just wanted to add,

Part of the fear is that I won’t come back.

That if I fully let go while on a mushrooms trip in meditation,

That I won’t come back to the physical body.

But I feel like In order to have a full awakening I need to let go of that in order to have the awakening,

Or is this not the case? 

Can I completely let go with the assurance that I will come back to my physical body or that re assurance stopping me from awakening?

In my mind there is a a genuine concern that if I surrender in meditation during a trip there’s a chance I’m not coming back.

And I’m not ready for this.

I want to become God and surrender and learn who I am but I still want to come back if that makes sense.

Hope this makes sense the way I’m communicating it.

 

You are correct, that is the case that you need to let go of that. You can be assured you will come back because the substance itself that you consume has to wear off. The psychedelic is like a ladder. You climb the ladder while it is there and you experience the high. But when we now remove the ladder you have nowhere else to go but back down your body metabolizes the substance and it wears off. The egoic defense mechanism is programmed to prevent you from seeing God by arising the emotion of fear which is triggered by thought, it is a powerful force that does its job to keep you in ego. The "I" that wants to experience God is what is blocking you from experiencing it. Let go of "holding"  anything,  even that awareness of awareness, thats also an idea or thought which can get in the way of surrender, your trying to maintain your sense of self which is  and the desire for control to keep the psychological self alive. Letting that go. Awareness itself will always be present under all circumstances so the real "You" never goes anywhere. so you'll have to let go of the reassurance as well and remain in a state of not knowing or hold an attitude that "you dont mind what happens" just acceptance and surrender. Of all the psychedelics imo mushrooms is the only one that you can fearlessly let go because it is so pleasant you naturally are drawn to letting go. NN DMT and 5Meo DMT is alot more challenging, but will take you to God more effectively than shrooms, it would take alot of shroom to get to that state. over 5g. Do a few sessions of shrooms and LSD to loosen up your egoic hold on the sense of self and get comfortable with the psychedelic state then move up into the DMTs. Id recommend shrooms then LSD then NN DMT, then 5Meo DMT in that order, spacing out your trips by 14-20 days at least, giving you time to integrate.

[VeganAwake]

@friend-man  yes it feels like diving into the deep waters of the abyss.

It's the disentangling from the socially conditioned mind matrix known as ME

What comes out on the other side is pure emptiness or nothingness.... which happens to already be the case so fear not ❤

[friend-man]

19 hours ago, Kamo said:

You are correct, that is the case that you need to let go of that. You can be assured you will come back because the substance itself that you consume has to wear off. The psychedelic is like a ladder. You climb the ladder while it is there and you experience the high. But when we now remove the ladder you have nowhere else to go but back down your body metabolizes the substance and it wears off. The egoic defense mechanism is programmed to prevent you from seeing God by arising the emotion of fear which is triggered by thought, it is a powerful force that does its job to keep you in ego. The "I" that wants to experience God is what is blocking you from experiencing it. Let go of "holding"  anything,  even that awareness of awareness, thats also an idea or thought which can get in the way of surrender, your trying to maintain your sense of self which is  and the desire for control to keep the psychological self alive. Letting that go. Awareness itself will always be present under all circumstances so the real "You" never goes anywhere. so you'll have to let go of the reassurance as well and remain in a state of not knowing or hold an attitude that "you dont mind what happens" just acceptance and surrender. Of all the psychedelics imo mushrooms is the only one that you can fearlessly let go because it is so pleasant you naturally are drawn to letting go. NN DMT and 5Meo DMT is alot more challenging, but will take you to God more effectively than shrooms, it would take alot of shroom to get to that state. over 5g. Do a few sessions of shrooms and LSD to loosen up your egoic hold on the sense of self and get comfortable with the psychedelic state then move up into the DMTs. Id recommend shrooms then LSD then NN DMT, then 5Meo DMT in that order, spacing out your trips by 14-20 days at least, giving you time to integrate.

I appreciate this answer,
 

Thanks.