I CAN'T push through awakening (ego death)

[Endangered-EGO]

Every few weeks, I am able to notice an imminent awakening especially when I had a "bad night". I don't know exactly what it is, but I assume it's ego death that might lead to some kind of dissociation.

I'm just sitting, and I am able to let myself be absorbed into something I cannot describe. Body feels really weird and I cannot put words on it. I couldn't even describe how I do that, but I am doing it consciously somehow... Everytime I do that, fear comes up and the most uncomfortable feeling comes up (not pain) in every mm of my Body. Before I am able to let myself get fully absorbed by it, my Body and heart get heavy and it feels like I was just shot, so I lie down and distract myself. 

I am familiar with DP/DR dissociations which is similar to that. but just so far back in time, I am not entirely sure anymore.

Something that can be close to it is "transverberation of Saint Theresa of avila" but this could be something entirely different, I am not sure.

I am just not sure how to push through that, and if I should or not... I of course don't want it to last for too long.
Every time I am close, I am not able to go all the way through it. It's like I have to convince myself to... DIE.

Not sure if it is a good idea too. Because of how long this could last and what's behind it. I'm not even sure I can experiment with it, because it just occurs occasionally every 2-3 weeks.  So... What is that, how do I consciously induce it, how do I push through it. Is this a by-product or is this the portal?

It's so fucking hard to find resources on those types of things, unfortunately there is no "spirituality for dummies" manual  


 

[Nahm]

Growing up, it took a while to understand the self inflicted damage the catholic dogma had done in regard to my dad and the unsuspected, unchecked shame of “being born a sinner”. It shaped his entire life and worldview. Essentially, never being good enough via a false story that he wasn’t already perfect as is. He’s seen through some of it, but I suspect he’ll never be fully in touch with source in this lifetime. I’ve seen through all of it, because I understand and fully express my emotions. I see how shame, guilt and fear are created. I see how the church profits from the dogma. I see that it is a self serving facade, not Self serving Truth. 

I also see the nondual dogma you are adopting, of ego death, fear, imminent doom, assumptions, dissociation, being separate and potentially absorbed into something. There is a “spirituality for dummies” manual, it’s just not the conceptual nonsense you’ve been led to expect, it’s the feeling guidance within you which is always oriented in truth & love. The truth is everywhere, and yet you must find it in feeling as you’ve hidden it from yourself under so many concepts, labels and silly expectations. 

“Today it is very fashionable to talk about the poor. Unfortunately it is not fashionable to talk with them.”

-Mother Teresa

“His disciples said to him, "Is circumcision beneficial or not? He said to them, "If it were beneficial, their father would beget them already circumcised from their mother. Rather, the true circumcision in spirit has become completely profitable."

- Jesus 

There is nothing to ‘push through’, there is much to let go.