Do you think dominatrix have sadistic tendencies or is just a role they play ?

[Javfly33]

What do you think and do you think is bad to engage in sadistic fetishes?

Leo said "use porn to find what turns you on"

By that logic I should engage in my desires and fetishes?  Even thought they cost me money which I don't have much.

My rationality says I should be investing my money. 

The other alternative is denying my desires.

My plan is to accept my current sexuality and work AF and hard to be an attractive man and have normal sex. But just wanted to share my situation

[intotheblack]

Fetishes develop from childhood wounds..  
If someone is into sadism, and get sexual satisfaction from giving pain then they have some deep trauma going on and are trying to feed some unconscious need from childhood..

Of course simply experimenting and trying some light fetish for fun is fine.  Like tying eachother up and wearing latex. 

[Javfly33]

6 hours ago, intotheblack said:

Fetishes develop from childhood wounds..  
If someone is into sadism, and get sexual satisfaction from giving pain then they have some deep trauma going on and are trying to feed some unconscious need from childhood..

Of course simply experimenting and trying some light fetish for fun is fine.  Like tying eachother up and wearing latex. 

So patological recurring use of bdsm origins from trauma? Yeah...I Was expecting that. I need to heal myself up

[Jacob Morres]

8 hours ago, intotheblack said:

Fetishes develop from childhood wounds..  
If someone is into sadism, and get sexual satisfaction from giving pain then they have some deep trauma going on and are trying to feed some unconscious need from childhood..

yep this pretty much. to add my observation is that it doesn't necessarily doesnt have to be from childhood it can be a recent trauma as well 

[Iksander]

Dude, what specifically is turning you on about a woman dominating you? You might want to question this.

 

I'll give advice here like I would to a friend. If you don't have much money, stop wasting it on BS porn and get a grip of your fucking life. Someone out there is getting rich from you acting like a chump 

[diamondpenguin]

1 hour ago, Iksander said:

Dude, what specifically is turning you on about a woman dominating you? You might want to question this.

 

I'll give advice here like I would to a friend. If you don't have much money, stop wasting it on BS porn and get a grip of your fucking life. Someone out there is getting rich from you acting like a chump 

Well said there, well said. After all there is also a lot free porn out there, so no need to buy it. @Javfly33 it seems buddy that you soul is broken deep down and yer gonna have to do self reflection to figure what the problem is and then come up with a way to fix it. Get creative about it. 

 

[Emerald]

On 2/26/2021 at 5:20 AM, Javfly33 said:

What do you think and do you think is bad to engage in sadistic fetishes?

Leo said "use porn to find what turns you on"

By that logic I should engage in my desires and fetishes?  Even thought they cost me money which I don't have much.

My rationality says I should be investing my money. 

The other alternative is denying my desires.

My plan is to accept my current sexuality and work AF and hard to be an attractive man and have normal sex. But just wanted to share my situation

What is it about a woman being sadistic/dominating towards you that pushes the buttons?

Really think at a deep level about what it is that it gives you the experiences of.

I used to have a pretty intense fetish that's similar to yours... only gender swapped. And I have done a lot of soul searching on it to realize there are very specific unmet needs and trauma wounds that it answered to.

And now that fetish is about 20% of what it used to be and my desires allow for more intimacy. And while there is still a desire to submit in lovemaking, it's much healthier and less embattled than it used to be. 

For me, it was very much the desire to be able to surrender while also being in control which spoke to the unmet need for safe surrender. And by fantasizing about extreme submission and power imbalance, I was able to feel the sense of surrender... while also being the puppet master of the whole fantasy and thus 100% in control. A fantasy is safe because I'm orchestrating the whole thing in my mind.

It also stimulated some wounds around feelings of inferiority to the opposite sex that I picked up in childhood, and gave me a place to play out some deep wounds around internalized misogyny... especially with my sexuality being very deeply intertwined with my feminine wounding. 

So, if I were in your position, I'd really start looking deeper into why this fantasy pushes buttons for you. Fetish can really serve as a roadmap to deeper issues that can be unwired and resolved.

[Preety_India]

I think a dominator generally has sadistic tendencies. I can't talk about a woman because I only been around men in relationships. I'm straight heterosexual so I can talk about men. 

My experience is that the men who wanted to play the role of the Dominator were at 98% of the time wanting to perform sadistic acts with me. They then got controlling and abusive and I had to put an end to it. 

Yes I tend to kinda enjoy the bdsm rape  fantasy fetishes but only in a playful sexual context. Not the sadistic where it makes me feel uncomfortable. 

The problem is that these fetishes are a gateway to all sorts of behaviors to be considered acceptable, there is a danger of attracting all the wrong dudes and all the wrong girls. 

Very few people engage in fetishes consciously. Most just repress it. 

Nothing wrong with engaging in fetishes but they should carry the safety tag. 

Also explore why you have these fetishes. 

Sometimes your fetish might not be simply a playful gimmick to spice up the bedroom but it could go deeper and expose your innermost biases, traumas, shadows, forbidden desires or instincts which are socially not okay. 

It's a tricky ground. 

 

[Globalcollective]

14 hours ago, Emerald said:

What is it about a woman being sadistic/dominating towards you that pushes the buttons?

Really think at a deep level about what it is that it gives you the experiences of.

I used to have a pretty intense fetish that's similar to yours... only gender swapped. And I have done a lot of soul searching on it to realize there are very specific unmet needs and trauma wounds that it answered to.

And now that fetish is about 20% of what it used to be and my desires allow for more intimacy. And while there is still a desire to submit in lovemaking, it's much healthier and less embattled than it used to be. 

For me, it was very much the desire to be able to surrender while also being in control which spoke to the unmet need for safe surrender. And by fantasizing about extreme submission and power imbalance, I was able to feel the sense of surrender... while also being the puppet master of the whole fantasy and thus 100% in control. A fantasy is safe because I'm orchestrating the whole thing in my mind.

It also stimulated some wounds around feelings of inferiority to the opposite sex that I picked up in childhood, and gave me a place to play out some deep wounds around internalized misogyny... especially with my sexuality being very deeply intertwined with my feminine wounding. 

So, if I were in your position, I'd really start looking deeper into why this fantasy pushes buttons for you. Fetish can really serve as a roadmap to deeper issues that can be unwired and resolved.

Wow well said.

Yes ultimately you want to learn how to have inmate loving sex rather than indulging  in fantasies or fetishes. Mindfully explore them but be aware they can take you away from true intimacy   

[Elevated]

I think spending money to get sexual favours is a problem. If you can't create the sexual relationships you desire without paying for them, then learning how to do so should be a high priority. 

I think for many people, BDSM desires are the result of trauma. However I've heard of a woman who first discovered she was kinky at the age of 16. She had a great upbringing, was popular, physically fit, etc. She didn't have any major traumas. While playing soccer she dislocated her knee and the pain of it gave her an orgasm. For whatever reason she has a nervous system that perceives pain as pleasurable. Given the variety of human being, this really isn't such a stretch of the imagination. Is it immoral or unhealthy for her to explore this unique feature of her nervous system merely because it is not of the norm? I don't think so. 

Now what about the emotional sides of BDSM? The submission, dominance, humiliation, etc. Well...is it unhealthy or immoral to watch a horror movie? To ride a rollercoaster? These things play on our negative emotions and we find that pleasurable, and yet I doubt many here would argue that enjoying horror movies and rollercoasters are evidence of some sort of deep trauma. Again, some people are merely born with a nervous system that perceives certain levels of these negative emotions, in the right context, with the right people, as pleasurable. Just because we add a sexual element to that does not mean that all instances of these pleasures are the result of trauma. 

Does that mean that trauma doesn't cause BDSM for many people? Like I said, absolutely not. There is a lot of trauma in the world and BDSM is merely a part of that world. I also wouldn't be surprised if there was a greater amount of trauma in the BDSM community than outside it, but I would have to see the data on that. Either way, I think that just speaks to the complexity of these issues. Reducing any aspect of reality to a single factor like, "if it's BDSM then it must be trauma," or, "if it's BDSM then it can't be trauma," just don't grasp the complexities of reality. Often enough, engaging in BDSM fantasies can actually help people integrate their traumas. 

For myself, I am a Dominant, and I definitely have my fair share of trauma that led to my desire for BDSM. At first I was horrified by them and thought I was a psychopath (which makes no sense because if I was I wouldn't be horrified, but that's the human mind for you), and so I quit watching porn, stopped masturbating, and spent a lot of time denying myself and shaming my sexuality. Eventually, because of self-improvement and spirituality I learned to stop judging myself and to accept my sexuality as it is even if it was pathological in some sort of way. The more emotionally healthy I became the better I felt about my desires and the less I felt desperation in regard to acting them out. That's desperation either to avoid them or to engage in them. 

I engage in BDSM now with my girlfriend and other partners. I can have emotional and very intimate "vanilla" sex and enjoy it. I do my best to respect myself and my boundaries, and the boundaries of my partners. I always touch in with them to make sure they are feeling okay about things and have generally become better and better at navigating the complexities of BDSM sexuality. I am not perfect by any means, but I am quite happy with where I've come to with my sexuality. 

I think my main point is that BDSM is an extremely complex sexual reality that few are given the necessary maps of understanding to properly navigate. If you are going to engage with BDSM, I highly encourage you to do the inner work necessary to get those maps. I think I've gone on long enough, but starting with Leo's self-help is a great start. Reading the book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You," by John Bradshaw is also a great start. He does go on about the unhealthiness of BDSM, but I think that's more to do with his religious beliefs than anything else.

Either way, don't pay for sex. Do the internal work. If you have any questions feel free to ask. 

Edited March 4, 2021 by Elevated
Commas and spelling

[Willie]

When done well, BDSM can be very therapeutic. It is role playing in a sense, but only with people naturally drawn toward each other due to their complimentary inclinations. So, there isn’t much acting going on. Mainly just people being themselves around people who enjoy them being themselves.

[Parththakkar12]

It's all good and fine to have a sadistic fetish. As long as the other person is into the 'pain' you're 'inflicting upon them', should go well.

If you are a dominant, your job is to create safety for the submissive. So, if you're the submissive, I'd suggest you have higher standards for dominants. Yes, being into sadism can be a legit fetish. But, if it's coming from a narcissistic space, if the dominant isn't cognizant of the submissive's safety, then it can actually be dangerous.

Examples would include making the safe-word tricky, i.e. not straightforward, ignoring it as part of the narrative. Yeah, you could have a sort of interrogation-dynamic in which the dominant actually doesn't know the answer to the question they're asking and you could do something like 'if you answer my question correctly, that's your safe-word' but you also want to give the submissive an option of an emergency escape-hatch safe-word that's clear and both of you agree upon.

Also, an amazing thing about the interrogation-dynamic is that the submissive has a lot of control as to where they want to take it. The submissive's answers will determine what the dominant will do next! If the submissive answers the question clearly and correctly, that's the safe-word and it ends there. But, if the submissive is into it and wants more, they can give an answer that's messy, not that straight to provoke the dominant, then the dominant gets to use 'interrogation-techniques'!

There's tons of ways you can make this safe. You can, for example, give options in safe-words. This one is the straightforward one, this one is more tricky. Drawing analogy, again, from the interrogation-dynamic where the interrogator asks 'Do you want this to go the easy way or the hard way?' If the sub is into it, they'll go for the hard way! That's consent and that's what you want to see as the dominant. (Interesting how your way of asking for consent changes when you change the context)

If you're a submissive, NEVER submit to a dominant who you doubt cares about your safety and who isn't overtly doing everything in their power to create safety. No matter how hot they are, don't get suckered into it. You could be putting yourself in serious danger.

To answer the OP's question, all the difference is in whether they care about your safety in bed or not. If they do, then they won't have sadistic tendencies in real life, because those sadistic tendencies are carefully managed even in bed. But, if they're negligent towards your safety in bed, then they are potentially unconscious of those sadistic tendencies. This could make it so they bleed over into real life.

Edited March 4, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[At awe]

@intotheblack I don’t really understand how foot fetish for example can start from childhood wound? Do You have an explanation to that? Thanks!

[Armand]

Stay safe and know what risks might be involved when dealing with sadistic types. There are many people that have fetishes that are healthy and non. Non would be gore, vore, knifeplay, fecal matter, or things that degrade/hurt beyond the physical or mental limits. It's important to set limits with people so you don't cross a boundary but if it's not hurting someone I see no issues with having a dominatrix, "daddy", or whatever dominate type one needs to get off. With what we're exposed to it's not hard to fathom that people tend to want more extreme scenarios because they are bored of the same vanilla scenes we've become desensitized towards. 

That said, I've seen stories where guys end up in jail for choking after being given permission. Be careful is all I can say. ?