Meditation Made Me Suicidal

[Prabhaker]

1 hour ago, fanta said:

I am not freaked out by it, but it starts to frustrate me and it has lasted for a long time.

Sometimes there are psychological reasons of pressures in your forehead. Psychological pain can be dissolved; and only psychological pain can be dissolved. The other pain, the physical pain, is part of life and death; there is no way to dissolve it. But it never creates a problem. Have you ever observed? — The problem is only when you are thinking about it. 

The real problem is always psychological. The physical pain is part of life. When you start thinking about it, it is not physical pain at all; it has become psychological. The psychological pain ends only by accepting it in its totality.

If you accept pain, if you don’t deny it, if you are not scared of it, if you accept it as part of life with no judgement, with no idea of whether it is good or bad – it is simply there, it is a fact, neither good nor bad…. Once you accept the facticity of it you start transcending, you become more alert, more a witness. The pain is there but you are no more identified with it.

If you want a life absolutely painless, then you will have to live a life absolutely pleasureless. They come together in one package. They are not two things really; they are one thing — not different, not separate, and cannot be separated.

[fanta]

9 hours ago, Xpansion said:

If you observe it really closely when it happens you may notice that it changes, that it's not always there and that it's not self but just another sensation that arises and passes like everything else. See if you can notice when it changes or stops. 

I know that it changes and I am watching it. But it has never stopped once the past year..

[fanta]

7 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

Sometimes there are psychological reasons of pressures in your forehead. Psychological pain can be dissolved; and only psychological pain can be dissolved. The other pain, the physical pain, is part of life and death; there is no way to dissolve it. But it never creates a problem. Have you ever observed? — The problem is only when you are thinking about it. 

The real problem is always psychological. The physical pain is part of life. When you start thinking about it, it is not physical pain at all; it has become psychological. The psychological pain ends only by accepting it in its totality.

If you accept pain, if you don’t deny it, if you are not scared of it, if you accept it as part of life with no judgement, with no idea of whether it is good or bad – it is simply there, it is a fact, neither good nor bad…. Once you accept the facticity of it you start transcending, you become more alert, more a witness. The pain is there but you are no more identified with it.

If you want a life absolutely painless, then you will have to live a life absolutely pleasureless. They come together in one package. They are not two things really; they are one thing — not different, not separate, and cannot be separated.

What kind of psychological reasons could it be? I am trying to accept it and I have gone 2-3 months thinking positively about it, but it still is/was there. I know that life have its ups and downs but with the pressure comes a kind of thought spin. It is like I cant observe my thoughts. It wasnt that I was happy all the time before, just that I could observe my negative and positive emotions. I did not fight the reality before, but now I am.

[Xpansion]

3 hours ago, fanta said:

I know that it changes and I am watching it. But it has never stopped once the past year..

So you experience it 24/7 ?   Or just during meditation?  If it's happening 24/7 you need to see a doctor.   If it's just during meditation then it most definitely stops and starts.   Watch when it starts and when it stops or changes.   Just watch it very closely.  Watch how your mind is around it. Is there aversion?  Is there craving for something else?  You may find that if you really closely explore the pressure, accept it and notice how the resistance to it makes it seem worse then it will change or stop.    It's like when you have a pain in the legs.  The more we resist it and want it to end the stronger it gets but when we place just bare attention on the actual sensation then we see that it is the mind that creates the problem. In my own experience what I have noticed with pain is that it can seem very intense and unbearable then my awareness goes elsewhere and the pain is non existent. It's like a tree falling in the forest. With nobody there to hear it fall there is no sound.

Be very gentle with yourself. Don't force yourself to tolerate it but just gently watch it. If it becomes too much then stop meditating and rest or try some walking then and continue.  Maybe you're striving too hard.

Also Fanta I want to address your other issues about suicide and depression etc.  Often when people start meditation they begin to see life in a new way and at first this can be really nice and uplifting and bring hope. You might  experience a new found sense of freedom and experience and some really  blissful mind states.  After a while though you sort of acclimatise to the changes. What at first seemed so amazing and dramatic no longer seems that way.   What becomes apparent is that you are still the same person with the same issues, conditioning, patterns, habits etc but now you have been given a chance to really see things as they are,  to see the true nature of reality.

What I mean by this is that before maybe you were kind of living on autopilot. Identified with  your thoughts and feelings so you could not see any other way to be.  When you begin to meditate you then have a slight shift in your perspective and you begin to see all the ways that you have been causing yourself to suffer for so long.  There is no blame in this and you must treat yourself very gently like you would a small animal or child.    

You now have an opportunity to begin the purification process.  The mind can become very stirred up as all the old stuff  begins to surface.  It can be very painful and challenging and you may need to find support. Many people give up because they have been misinformed and  led to believe that meditation will fix everything, take away their problems and or depression and it will all be a blissful journey to a quick enlightenment and so they become disillusioned.  However, disillusionment is a great thing. It means you are no longer under the illusion.   You can now see reality more clearly.    It's true that meditation is very healing and deeply transformative but it doesn't happen overnight. It can get worse before it gets better.  It has taken many years for the habits to form and so it takes sometime to undo them. 

 It takes courage, rigorous honesty, persistence and determination. This is why it's called the road less travelled because many people don't continue once the work really begins. You will feel like giving up and feel it is all pointless but keep going.  It is really important to do some metta practice ie a heart based practice. Cultivate loving kindness toward yourself and others.   Many  western meditators are too in their heads.    I hope you find a teacher and community to support you as you grow.   If you are having mental issues it may be wise to seek a good therapist and also look for a Sangha in your local area.  I wish you all the best on your journey. ?

 

 

Edited October 20, 2016 by Xpansion

[fanta]

15 hours ago, Xpansion said:

So you experience it 24/7 ?   Or just during meditation?  If it's happening 24/7 you need to see a doctor.   If it's just during meditation then it most definitely stops and starts.   Watch when it starts and when it stops or changes.   Just watch it very closely.  Watch how your mind is around it. Is there aversion?  Is there craving for something else?  You may find that if you really closely explore the pressure, accept it and notice how the resistance to it makes it seem worse then it will change or stop.    It's like when you have a pain in the legs.  The more we resist it and want it to end the stronger it gets but when we place just bare attention on the actual sensation then we see that it is the mind that creates the problem. In my own experience what I have noticed with pain is that it can seem very intense and unbearable then my awareness goes elsewhere and the pain is non existent. It's like a tree falling in the forest. With nobody there to hear it fall there is no sound.

Be very gentle with yourself. Don't force yourself to tolerate it but just gently watch it. If it becomes too much then stop meditating and rest or try some walking then and continue.  Maybe you're striving too hard.

Also Fanta I want to address your other issues about suicide and depression etc.  Often when people start meditation they begin to see life in a new way and at first this can be really nice and uplifting and bring hope. You might  experience a new found sense of freedom and experience and some really  blissful mind states.  After a while though you sort of acclimatise to the changes. What at first seemed so amazing and dramatic no longer seems that way.   What becomes apparent is that you are still the same person with the same issues, conditioning, patterns, habits etc but now you have been given a chance to really see things as they are,  to see the true nature of reality.

What I mean by this is that before maybe you were kind of living on autopilot. Identified with  your thoughts and feelings so you could not see any other way to be.  When you begin to meditate you then have a slight shift in your perspective and you begin to see all the ways that you have been causing yourself to suffer for so long.  There is no blame in this and you must treat yourself very gently like you would a small animal or child.    

You now have an opportunity to begin the purification process.  The mind can become very stirred up as all the old stuff  begins to surface.  It can be very painful and challenging and you may need to find support. Many people give up because they have been misinformed and  led to believe that meditation will fix everything, take away their problems and or depression and it will all be a blissful journey to a quick enlightenment and so they become disillusioned.  However, disillusionment is a great thing. It means you are no longer under the illusion.   You can now see reality more clearly.    It's true that meditation is very healing and deeply transformative but it doesn't happen overnight. It can get worse before it gets better.  It has taken many years for the habits to form and so it takes sometime to undo them. 

 It takes courage, rigorous honesty, persistence and determination. This is why it's called the road less travelled because many people don't continue once the work really begins. You will feel like giving up and feel it is all pointless but keep going.  It is really important to do some metta practice ie a heart based practice. Cultivate loving kindness toward yourself and others.   Many  western meditators are too in their heads.    I hope you find a teacher and community to support you as you grow.   If you are having mental issues it may be wise to seek a good therapist and also look for a Sangha in your local area.  I wish you all the best on your journey. ?

 

 

The pressure is there 24/7. I have been to a doctor and taken several tests, but apparently there is nothing wrong with me. When I stop meditating for some weeks the pressure slowly disappears so I am pretty sure it is linked to meditaton.

I know that you get used to the way meditation affects your life. To me it is just that meditation stopped working like it used to one year ago. I struggle to sit 20-25 minutes a day. Before, I could sit for over an hour a day easily. Before I had no trouble doing school work. Today I barely do what is obligatory. It feels like I am walking backwards.

 

 

 

[Xpansion]

16 minutes ago, fanta said:

The pressure is there 24/7. I have been to a doctor and taken several tests, but apparently there is nothing wrong with me. When I stop meditating for some weeks the pressure slowly disappears so I am pretty sure it is linked to meditaton.

I know that you get used to the way meditation affects your life. To me it is just that meditation stopped working like it used to one year ago. I struggle to sit 20-25 minutes a day. Before, I could sit for over an hour a day easily. Before I had no trouble doing school work. Today I barely do what is obligatory. It feels like I am walking backwards.

 

 

Your meditation experience is  not anything abnormal.  You sound like you have some expectations that it should be a certain way or that it should "work".    This is normal to feel this way. Everything changes including your meditation experience. Sometimes it feels pointless and shitty and it may feel like that for a while then you'll have a breakthrough and then you reach another plateau. Just accept it how it is.  Notice how you are placing expectations and wanting something from it. Craving for it to be how it used to be.   Not wanting it to be how it is. This is how we cause ourselves suffering. Accept it fully how it is. If it feels boring and not making you feel happy that's ok.   Be gentle. If you don't feel like doing it for an hour then do it for 20 minutes. Don't strive too hard. If you don't do it for a week that's ok too.    Find the middle way like the Buddha. Just keep letting go and accepting  where you are at. It's not a race. There is nothing to accomplish. Just be, when you feel like it. And read some good dhamma books. There's a really good book I think will help you called 'why can't I meditate' by Nigel Wellings. It will show you how many people have these misinformed  expectations about meditation that hinder your progress.  I'm like it sometimes too.  Contact me if you need some more help.  ? 

Edited October 20, 2016 by Xpansion

[abrakamowse]

@fanta  Other have said about Ingram, I suggest him too... download his book. It's free and has a lot of info about what you are dealing with.

A must have I would say...

Here's the link:

Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, Adobe/.pdf version, Revised 2007 version

http://integrateddaniel.info/book/

 

 

 

 

Edited October 20, 2016 by abrakamowse

[fanta]

It kind of feels like the problem is in my eyes. The first time I experienced the pressure I felt a pressure in my eyes. It was like the lens in my eyes fell out of order or something. It is hard to describe. Does anyone know about this issue?