Meditation Made Me Suicidal

[fanta]

Right now I dont know what to do. The past year has been very hard for me. Earlier I had severe problems with drugs and alcohol, and I remember that I thought I was going to become a drug addict. When I started meditation, my life turned around. Suddenly I did very good in school which got me into one of the top 5 universities in my country. I started to work out, eat healthy and shed all of my bad habits. I meditated 1 hour a day. There was almost none resistance to life.

 

About one year ago one of my meditation sessions went very deep. I felt some pretty bad emotions and a pressure came in my forehead. I thought of quitting the session, but in the end I decided to just sit it out. After this session everything changed. When I tried to meditate, it was very hard to do it. The flow I usually felt 5-10 minutes into the meditation session for the past 2 years disappeared. 1-2 months after this session I had a hard time meditating for more than 20 minutes. The pressure was in my forehead constantly. Sometimes it felt like something solid was stuck inside my head. I also had a headache where the skull meets the neck.

 

Slowly I fell back to the person I was before. I started to drink and smoke weed. I had a very hard time studying and got very bad grades as well. Life became very depressing. I have read very much about this topic and have tried many different things the last year like: the dissolving method, taijiwuxqigong, reiki healing, acupuncture, energy therapies and massages.

 

I feel like it has gotten some better (like the headache is almost gone), but the pressure is still there and I am still struggling with my meditation.

 

Right now it seems like I am going to fail many of my classes at university. I feel like the life I am living right now is not worth living (I am actually thinking about what ways to kill myself). There is a battle in my mind. I get it that meditation is not always a walk on the rainbows and that it has its ups and downs, but one year feels like a bit to long and it dosent seem like it is going away anytime soon. I also know that I should not want anything from meditation and for long periods I have tried it, but it never worked.

 

I am thinking about quitting school and travel to meet people who can help me resolve this issue. I preferably want to live with a master (for free would be good) in the US or maybe China or somewhere. Does anyone know how I could do this and if there is any good masters out there? Does anyone know about this problem or know some books about this problem? (I have read Tao of letting go by Bruce Frantzis)

[Prabhaker]

17 minutes ago, fanta said:

I feel like the life I am living right now is not worth living (I am actually thinking about what ways to kill myself)

 Act out all your madnesses through Osho dynamic meditation

http://www.oshodynamic.com/index.html

http://www.oshonisarga.com/?page=dynamicmeditation

Reduce the time and intensity of different stages if required.

[Dodo]

49 minutes ago, fanta said:

Right now I dont know what to do. The past year has been very hard for me. Earlier I had severe problems with drugs and alcohol, and I remember that I thought I was going to become a drug addict. When I started meditation, my life turned around. Suddenly I did very good in school which got me into one of the top 5 universities in my country. I started to work out, eat healthy and shed all of my bad habits. I meditated 1 hour a day. There was almost none resistance to life.

 

About one year ago one of my meditation sessions went very deep. I felt some pretty bad emotions and a pressure came in my forehead. I thought of quitting the session, but in the end I decided to just sit it out. After this session everything changed. When I tried to meditate, it was very hard to do it. The flow I usually felt 5-10 minutes into the meditation session for the past 2 years disappeared. 1-2 months after this session I had a hard time meditating for more than 20 minutes. The pressure was in my forehead constantly. Sometimes it felt like something solid was stuck inside my head. I also had a headache where the skull meets the neck.

 

Slowly I fell back to the person I was before. I started to drink and smoke weed. I had a very hard time studying and got very bad grades as well. Life became very depressing. I have read very much about this topic and have tried many different things the last year like: the dissolving method, taijiwuxqigong, reiki healing, acupuncture, energy therapies and massages.

 

I feel like it has gotten some better (like the headache is almost gone), but the pressure is still there and I am still struggling with my meditation.

 

Right now it seems like I am going to fail many of my classes at university. I feel like the life I am living right now is not worth living (I am actually thinking about what ways to kill myself). There is a battle in my mind. I get it that meditation is not always a walk on the rainbows and that it has its ups and downs, but one year feels like a bit to long and it dosent seem like it is going away anytime soon. I also know that I should not want anything from meditation and for long periods I have tried it, but it never worked.

 

I am thinking about quitting school and travel to meet people who can help me resolve this issue. I preferably want to live with a master (for free would be good) in the US or maybe China or somewhere. Does anyone know how I could do this and if there is any good masters out there? Does anyone know about this problem or know some books about this problem? (I have read Tao of letting go by Bruce Frantzis)

Well ive been suicidal, but for me poker made me suicidal, and lack of money, so i was tired and didnt see why i should go on with this. I also was only looking in one direction, i didnt want to let go of poker.

So before i was bout to jump, i decided wouldnt it be better to do this die before you die thing. So i sat in meditation and sat there foe longer than ever, even when i was feeling so much pain i continued. I felt my insides become hardened, rebelling. I thought maybe i will die this way, i guess its a more pleasant and clean way than jumping. Then when i finally finished, because i was so tired. I was so relieved that i could only go to bed and sleep, and it was awesome. I felt so awesome in my body and thought, why would i want to get rid of this, i love it. (when i didnt think about external circumstances) 

Ithink even till this day, sleep is the best part of life for me. Dreams are awesome. They are kinda worth struggling for. 

Your life is a triangle ? waking, dream and deep sleep. 

Non duality says this triangle is a dot actually and everything else is a projection. You go to death every night in deep sleep. Its the bottom left point of the triangle. In other words, suicide wont do anything for you. You are already that point always. By suicide you would not achieve peace. Go for enlightenment instead!

Ps: watch videos of Ira, Rupert Spira and Ramana Maharshi. I like those contents best for non duality.

Edited October 12, 2016 by Dodoster

[Capethaz]

@fanta Man, for what ayou described this sounds "Dark Night" territory. I suggest that you a find a decent teacher to guide you. Check Daniel Ingram maps also.

Edited October 12, 2016 by Capethaz

[Frogfucius]

@fanta  I know where you're coming from. I used to have suicidal thoughts quite frequently, up until I started meditation and self-inquiry a few months ago. This was a response to intense anxiety and pain in my chest region, created by the unhealthy patterns etched into my mind. I have always had anxiety issues and never really felt like I belonged anywhere. So I started meditating, and dealing with my demons as they crop up. The suicidal thoughts vanquished for a while.

Now, they have arisen again. Although it’s not a low-conscious level of despair like it was before, it’s a realization that life is all that there is, at this moment. There is no event in the future that can change how I’m going to feel as a person. Before, I used to escape into memories of the past, or dream about the future in order to deal with these thoughts.

It’s as Albert Camus said, the only true philosophical question is whether to commit suicide or not. Everything I have ever experienced will be completely forgotten forever, whether I die today or in 50 years from now. This isn’t a bad thing, but I just can’t figure out if life is worth it. The only experience “I” could ever have after death is if I get reborn again, with a completely new identity, and with all memory of any past consciousness gone. Suicide is basically a reset button, and sometimes I wish I was able to integrate into society like a normal, low-conscious human being, unaware or uncaring of any truths, and living blissfully ignorant lives and unresponsive to internal suffering. Like all of my family and friends. All I can do is just hope this phase will pass.

[Dodo]

12 hours ago, fanta said:

Right now I dont know what to do. The past year has been very hard for me. Earlier I had severe problems with drugs and alcohol, and I remember that I thought I was going to become a drug addict. When I started meditation, my life turned around. Suddenly I did very good in school which got me into one of the top 5 universities in my country. I started to work out, eat healthy and shed all of my bad habits. I meditated 1 hour a day. There was almost none resistance to life.

 

About one year ago one of my meditation sessions went very deep. I felt some pretty bad emotions and a pressure came in my forehead. I thought of quitting the session, but in the end I decided to just sit it out. After this session everything changed. When I tried to meditate, it was very hard to do it. The flow I usually felt 5-10 minutes into the meditation session for the past 2 years disappeared. 1-2 months after this session I had a hard time meditating for more than 20 minutes. The pressure was in my forehead constantly. Sometimes it felt like something solid was stuck inside my head. I also had a headache where the skull meets the neck.

 

Slowly I fell back to the person I was before. I started to drink and smoke weed. I had a very hard time studying and got very bad grades as well. Life became very depressing. I have read very much about this topic and have tried many different things the last year like: the dissolving method, taijiwuxqigong, reiki healing, acupuncture, energy therapies and massages.

 

I feel like it has gotten some better (like the headache is almost gone), but the pressure is still there and I am still struggling with my meditation.

 

Right now it seems like I am going to fail many of my classes at university. I feel like the life I am living right now is not worth living (I am actually thinking about what ways to kill myself). There is a battle in my mind. I get it that meditation is not always a walk on the rainbows and that it has its ups and downs, but one year feels like a bit to long and it dosent seem like it is going away anytime soon. I also know that I should not want anything from meditation and for long periods I have tried it, but it never worked.

 

I am thinking about quitting school and travel to meet people who can help me resolve this issue. I preferably want to live with a master (for free would be good) in the US or maybe China or somewhere. Does anyone know how I could do this and if there is any good masters out there? Does anyone know about this problem or know some books about this problem? (I have read Tao of letting go by Bruce Frantzis)

Oh it just popped into my mind. You can definitely use this suicidal thoughts to your advantage. I mean instead of acting on them, use your desire to die to help you dive the deepest you can into this conciousness subject. Because you are ready to die, that will make you a better warrior. You will not be afraid to go where others would turn back from because of fear ? .

[fanta]

On 12.10.2016 at 3:22 PM, Capethaz said:

@fanta Man, for what ayou described this sounds "Dark Night" territory. I suggest that you a find a decent teacher to guide you. Check Daniel Ingram maps also.

Yes. I want to find an experienced meditation or qi gong teacher to guide me. What is daniel ingram maps?

[AlwaysBeNice]

The suppression that was laid onto you by this negative depressed culture caused you depression; probably mostly from your parents, and later at school.

Meditate, and very important, go through the suppressed feelings by finding them and feeling them completely, I like this guided meditation a lot https://vimeo.com/187391631/

 

[Flicker_boy]

*gives map*

 

[Huz]

this post helped me out a lot, read it if you want

and this 

 

 

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

The End of Your World is a realy good book to handle this shit. I reccently had one of the most brutal week in my entire life with all this stuff and now I'm home and small reading the book again and Adyashanti has some great wisdom about this. I have bought Shinzen Youngs new "The Science of Enlightenment", haven't read it but I have looked that he will talk about it. Currently home for a week but going back to a Zen monestery in a while, the Roshi has helpe me to "convince" me that I am not going insane and it has been really helpful, especially when the awakening shit starts to get physical but it sure as hell is dealable without a master. Many people have done it alone, masters and students and now you are here. Good luck and check out Adyashantis book, it's retartedly insightful in these matters and I can't recommend it enough! And of course you have psycadelics.

I don't really know about the quitting school thing... You can make some crazy shit when you have this... Personally now that I'm home for a week I have been playing video games, eating chocolate to supress insights, LOL. Just wait it out... Taking walks in nature instead of just meditating harder has helped a lot for me, I have also heard that physical exersice might be a really good idea by a guy who has been sitting for over 15 years but I haven't verified that due to poor health. Experimentation my friend! 

[fanta]

6 hours ago, AlwaysBeNice said:

The suppression that was laid onto you by this negative depressed culture caused you depression; probably mostly from your parents, and later at school.

Meditate, and very important, go through the suppressed feelings by finding them and feeling them completely, I like this guided meditation a lot https://vimeo.com/187391631/

 

Yeah, I know all about that and have done that with a therapist for over 6 months. To me it is more important to get my energy unblocked

3 hours ago, InsidesOut said:

*gives map*

 

How do I read these maps? What are the meaning?

 

 

[Capethaz]

@fanta They are maps that can show you on what stages of the path you are.

[fanta]

The title is maybe a bit misleading. It is just that meditation dosen't work like it does on 95% of people, and I dont know what to do about my blocked energy. It makes me very depressed.

[Prabhaker]

4 hours ago, fanta said:

I dont know what to do about my blocked energy

Express the negative and allow the positive. If anger comes, don't repress it; if aggression comes, don't repress it. Not saying that go and kill a person. but there a thousand and one ways to express the repressed emotions. You can go into the garden and chop wood. Have you watched woodcutters? They look more silent than anybody else. Have you watched hunters? Hunters are very good people. The do a very dirty thing, but they are good people. Something happens to them while they are hunting. Killing animals, their anger, their aggression is dissolved.You can just go into the forest and shout, scream.

Many meditative techniques require one to sit still and silent. But for most of us accumulated stress in our body-mind makes that difficult.We need to let go of our tensions. Active meditation are designed to effectively release stress, tensions-energy blocks which block the natural flow of energies in our body, allowing us to become more peaceful and relaxed. 

http://oshokundalini.com/four-stages-of-osho-kundalini-meditation.html

http://www.oshodynamic.com/index.html

[Flicker_boy]

@fanta  lookup stages 5-10 and keep practicing, maybe use some psychedelics to give you a breakthrough. And tell us how it went :-D.  
And make some space for the subjective process to express like @Prabhaker highlighted, thats an analogy for equanimity.

 

[Xpansion]

I have linked to a page that says the pressures in your head etc are nimittas and the only problem with these sorts of things is if you get freaked out by it.   Use the sensation as the object of your meditation.   See how it is Dukha, Anicca and Anatta 

Scroll to the bottom of this page  Odd experiences in meditation

 

Edited October 19, 2016 by Xpansion

[fanta]

8 hours ago, InsidesOut said:

@fanta  lookup stages 5-10 and keep practicing, maybe use some psychedelics to give you a breakthrough. And tell us how it went :-D.  
And make some space for the subjective process to express like @Prabhaker highlighted, thats an analogy for equanimity.

 

I read the different stages, but I cant find pressure in forehead. Where it says energy: high and energy: low, is that the energy you feel in your body? I just think it is weird that I have been on this stage for almost a year.

[fanta]

5 hours ago, Xpansion said:

I have linked to a page that says the pressures in your head etc are nimittas and the only problem with these sorts of things is if you get freaked out by it.   Use the sensation as the object of your meditation.   See how it is Dukha, Anicca and Anatta 

Scroll to the bottom of this page  Odd experiences in meditation

 

I am not freaked out by it, but it starts to frustrate me and it has lasted for a long time.

Edited October 19, 2016 by fanta

[Xpansion]

1 minute ago, fanta said:

I am not freaked out by it, but it starts to frustrate me and it has lasted for a long time.

If you observe it really closely when it happens you may notice that it changes, that it's not always there and that it's not self but just another sensation that arises and passes like everything else. See if you can notice when it changes or stops.