Overwhelming, draining sadness

[meta_male]

Hey dear friends, first post so I'll quickly introduce myself before I get to the actual topic:

I'm 28, from CH, grew up in a cult, left by the age of 24, lost my whole social circle, then went through a bad break up, which led me to personal development. Through it, I built up a lot of confidence, made new friends and met a sweet girl who is now my girlfriend. I've been watching Leo's videos on and off for about four years now, just amazing content!

 

One year ago, I had a minor operation, which left me in the most disturbing physical pain I've ever experienced for about three months. It had a big effect on my psyche and I haven't felt any real happiness or excitement ever since. I lost my confidence, became short tempered and unable to fully relax in the presence of other people, few of them I had to off.

A couple months back, I got very interested in Spirituality. And so I started doing self inquiry at the beginning of this year. I did notice a change in my awareness after doing some exercises, but at one point it got too much, and so I immediately stopped. Right after that experience, a deep depression came over me, which lasted one weekend. This was followed by ten days of deep peace and a weird sense of clarity during sleep, although I can't really describe what that was like.

After this, almost every person I encountered would trigger so much anger within me. Basically, I keep wanting more and more time alone, but I have been unable to fully charge my batteries for one whole year now. I can feel a lot of guilt building up for pulling back from my loved ones. Especially because I don't know whether I need a week or a whole decade to myself.

But right now I feel like I can't handle other people, especially the ones I deeply care about. It's sad to see that they want me to be a certain way in order for them to not be worried. I want to express my love towards them, but I'm unable to actually do it.

A feeling of me just fading away keeps showing up, and it's kinda like I don't have that much time left to live. It doesn't feel dramatic...more sad and at the same time interesting. This sadness is so paralyzing though.

What made this whole situation even more confusing was my uncle's death last week. Even though we were never close, I was overwhelmed by extreme sadness. It's like his death caused me to finally feel into all the emotions I've suppressed in the past. I went through a full week of crying, feeling everyone elses suffering ten times more intense and I just feel totally exhausted now.

Two days ago, I went to view my uncle's body. The few minutes I was in that room felt like the most genuine I've ever been in my life. I cried my eyes out, but it was healing and I felt at peace. I can't help but thinking this is fucked up though. Why would I need to be standing next to a dead body to feel like I can truly be myself?

I'm really confused about where I stand in life. It's like the whole world, the past and the future got compressed into this exact moment. This leaves me feeling like that's all there is and that there's no point in going anywhere or achieving anything anymore. 

How would you communicate all this to your partner in a loving way? I love my girl with all my heart but she is worried, since I need so much time to myself, and feeling her sadness just makes me need even more time spent alone.

Who can relate to this situation and maybe point me towards the next step, or even just tell me what I might be going through. I'm open to anything.

[Tim R]

@meta_male Hello and welcome to the forum!

 

6 minutes ago, meta_male said:

The few minutes I was in that room felt like the most genuine I've ever been in my life. I cried my eyes out, but it was healing and I felt at peace. I can't help but thinking this is fucked up though. Why would I need to be standing next to a dead body to feel like I can truly be myself?

It's not fucked up at all. Death is the most authentic and real thing there is.

Why be inauthentic in the presence of death? 

[mandyjw]

Welcome to the forum! 

It's not uncommon for physical pain or an illness to pull people into the depths of being, and the search for happiness and the pure driving desire to see through suffering.

The anger, withdrawal, trouble relating with others often comes from not taking care of ourselves, and making time for our own joy and happiness. It's a common thing that happen to caregivers, but it can happen to anyone, especially if you're ill or in pain. The main fix is to sit down and determine how you can take care of yourself, make a list of things that raise your mood, make you happy and make time to do them. If that's a week long retreat, plan it. Could be small things, listening to music, going for a walk in nature, etc. Sounds shallow, stupid, silly, I know. It's KEY though. 

3 hours ago, meta_male said:

A feeling of me just fading away keeps showing up, and it's kinda like I don't have that much time left to live. It doesn't feel dramatic...more sad and at the same time interesting. This sadness is so paralyzing though.

It's a misinterpretation. There's no you. There's also no f-ing such thing as "no you". When we think not _____ we actually think whatever the fill in the blank is. As if the negation and the thing being negated were two real things. See how tricky that is? DON'T THINK OF A PINK ELEPHANT. Doesn't work, see? So in order for you to have a thought or  feelingthat there's no you, you create a vision or idea of you or a void, that simply is not. There is NO void. That's what makes this... actually, the most fascinating wonderful thing beyond your wildest imagination. Your wildest imagination, right now, is turning it into void or boogeyman. That becomes your new identity. Cut it out. You're free. 

"To use a finger to illustrate how "a 'finger' is not a finger" is not as good as using something other than a finger to illustrate how "a 'finger' is not a finger". -Chuang Tzu 

3 hours ago, meta_male said:

Two days ago, I went to view my uncle's body. The few minutes I was in that room felt like the most genuine I've ever been in my life. I cried my eyes out, but it was healing and I felt at peace. I can't help but thinking this is fucked up though. Why would I need to be standing next to a dead body to feel like I can truly be myself?

My Grandmother's death two years ago was a profound experience. I lost two Grandparents before, but this one I lost consciously, and as I was becoming conscious of what was really going on with death. Death is a thought. The thought of death occurs within the timeless consciousness which has neither beginning nor end. That consciousness is what you REALLY are. You are not a thought. You cannot think yourself. There are not two of you, one that can think of itself. When you start to see through death and you feel this intense feeling of love for someone, and that love and the idea of loss merges and the idea of loss dies itself, it can be incredibly powerful. You're coloring over this with judgements of death and it being fucked up though. No need of that. Feel the profundity and love that's never lost. No need to judge the experience by old societal expectations and standards for how death and loss of a loved one should be experienced. You're moving beyond this fear and avoidance of death. High five. This is pretty fucking awesome. That's ok! It's life, Life itself, lived to the fullest. 

 

3 hours ago, meta_male said:

 

I'm really confused about where I stand in life. It's like the whole world, the past and the future got compressed into this exact moment. This leaves me feeling like that's all there is and that there's no point in going anywhere or achieving anything anymore.

OMG, yes, yes, YES!!! No more rat race, you're FREE you can do whatever you want. Laugh at a funeral if you want! Life is so fucking beautiful. Don't overlay "no point" with a negative feeling or connation. You have pure creative freedom, that's what you've stumbled on. You've found a pirate's chest of gold, but you're still looking at it thinking, "oh shit, now I have to get rid of this rusty heavy old box somewhere, poor me." NOOO! This is awesome beyond your wildest dreams. The problem is you still THINK you know what that box is, and you think it's not that great. 

3 hours ago, meta_male said:

How would you communicate all this to your partner in a loving way? I love my girl with all my heart but she is worried, since I need so much time to myself, and feeling her sadness just makes me need even more time spent alone.

Just be honest with her. Tell her how much you love her and care about her, and want her to be happy. Use your time to yourself consciously and intentionally, like I suggested above, raising your mood. Then your interactions together will be fun, loving and natural again. Make it your objective to use your time alone to take care of yourself and raise your mood. You've realized a whole bunch of shit really fast, you're just not emotionally there yet to see the real meaning of nothing having meaning (the chest is full of gold, buddy, not some rusty, heavy box you have to haul around for life). And that is FINE. You've gone through A LOT really fast. It's ok. Let it go. (There's no actual heavy pirate's chest, really. )

3 hours ago, meta_male said:

Who can relate to this situation and maybe point me towards the next step, or even just tell me what I might be going through. I'm open to anything.

You are well on your path. Found the treasure chest, just haven't discovered yet that it's a beyond awesome thing to have stumbled upon. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

Emotional suppression is caused & perpetuated by believing thoughts about yourself which are not true, and as such do not feel good, to you. When emotional suffering is prolonged by not releasing it, the mind weaves very convincing narratives to “make sense” of the suffering, in extreme cases, even confusing it with & attaching it to pain. 

There is a deep peace & clarity just from the inner kriya, the willingness and choice to address the suffering. To begin to address, inspect & understand, is to sleep well at night. 

When the suppressed emotion and misunderstanding are inspected and begin to arise to empty from the body mind, the mind has a tendency to double down on the narrative, with more self referential thinking, like “fear”, and or fear of more pain (from the mind attaching the emotional suffering to the physical sensation of pain) and unfortunately a new misunderstanding is adopted and the release & understanding is prolonged. 

When the suppressed misunderstanding & emotion begin to be inspected, they are brought to the surface. This is a very intimate & sensitive experience. When one desiring & experiencing this process of releasing conditioning is around other who is holding the same conditioning, one resonates vibrationally with the suppression of the other, and believes the emotions one is experiencing, are somehow ‘coming from’ the other. The body mind will naturally ‘call’ for time alone, and in this time alone will naturally release. 

The orientation of ‘fully charging your batteries’, counterintuitively, is backwards. In releasing that which does not resonate with you, that which resonates with all unconditionally fills the body mind naturally, like a cork held under water which is no longer held, naturally floats.

The thought narrative that this desired release pertains to others, exacerbates the thoughts about oneself which don’t resonate, and narratives, cover stories of thought, like guilt, are believed. When we release conditioning, the direct experience of the one releasing is of peace of mind, joy, rejuvenation, clarity, focus and concentration. But to another who is watching, it is not experienced this way, and counterintuitively, it looks quite worrisome. This is why Catholics believe in exorcisms. Because they don’t understand emotions from not  releasing their own misunderstanding & misidentifications felt as “shame” and “guilt” by their own dogma, so they believe in demons & possessions, from only watching and holding a false authoritative status of self image. 

When the body mind empties, when we release emotion, understanding arises. In this process it is common to feel and experience sadness, followed by deep yet peacefully comforting sorrow, followed by love & truth. It is not uncommon for a death to bring the sadness of collective suffering into experience. This can intensify the experience of suppressing vs releasing misunderstanding. What keeps one from fully releasing, is identification, or, thoughts about oneself that feel terrible, but are still believed to be true, rather than let go simple because of how they feel. When we are going through purification, releasing conditioning, we intuitively recognize the truth of “death”, and feel the deeply moving peace, though the mind might not yet be on the same page as the body mind which is made of the infinite intelligence and love that the common muggle believes to be “death”. 

The present moment is all that is. “It” is infinite being, and ‘you’ are not separate. The experience of this present moment is the entire point of the apparent universe. All that is, is, for the singular point, of your experience right now. This right now moment becomes what you focus on. Focus is not culminated, but is the natural experience of the continued releasing of the conditioning. 

Making a dreamboard is more than just fun, it get’s the swirls of thoughts wrapped up in emotional misunderstanding and suppression out of the body mind and in front of you, you might say ‘in reality’. From this new vantage point many, many insights arise and wonderful feeling realizations fill in. 

I can totally relate, and I would not be attempting to communicate this to your partner. I would get away and be alone for a few days or more, preferably in nature, with the single pointed intention of letting it all out, and spending your time doing anything you like, love, and enjoy. When we are focused on what feels good to us, source is there, loving us and clearing away what does not resonate, bringing the true goodness that you are to surface, deeply. 

 

 

[meta_male]

Thank you so much everyone. This helped a lot.

[Aaron p]

@meta_male I feel your pain bro. I grew up in a sort of cult and lost my granny and didn't even get to see her get buried. And I am well aquatinted with perpetual pain. A helpful detail to remember is that deep pain isint usually irreversible, and you can actually use the pain as a massive fuel source for powerful self discovery/development. Pain is the great teacher. At least here you'll be heard and bettered. Keep your chin up, benefit from Leo's [awesome] material and remember, if pain doesent defeat you, it can only make you stronger. 

[meta_male]

On 29.3.2021 at 10:40 PM, Aaron p said:

@meta_male I feel your pain bro. I grew up in a sort of cult and lost my granny and didn't even get to see her get buried. And I am well aquatinted with perpetual pain. A helpful detail to remember is that deep pain isint usually irreversible, and you can actually use the pain as a massive fuel source for powerful self discovery/development. Pain is the great teacher. At least here you'll be heard and bettered. Keep your chin up, benefit from Leo's [awesome] material and remember, if pain doesent defeat you, it can only make you stronger. 

Appreciate it, bro!

How can I use the pain as a fuel source? And how do you recommend I'd go about finding out what causes it in the first place?

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. How did the sadness about missing out on her funeral help you with self discovery?