Is a 36 year old guy with a 19 year girl appropriate?

[Jodistrict]

My ex wife was 20 years younger than me.  But because of her challenging life experiences, we were at the same level of maturity.  We split up for other reasons but are still best friends.  Age is just one factor in determining compatibility.

[jerrypua]

On 2/25/2021 at 1:07 PM, Preety_India said:

It's a lot of age difference and I sense creepy vibes.

Do you even know both of them? It's not black and white, you just gave us their age, therefore it's impossible to make any assumptions... and anyone who does it, is clearly looking at it from a subjective perspective.

[Roy]

I'm 28 and dating anyone below 25 for me is probably a big no most of the time for a long term relationship. It's about maturity and having matching levels of that that's the more important factor than age.

If she's 19 with a 36 year old guy either she has had some massive growing up and is way ahead of her age, or the guy is a man-child and wants to hook up with a younger unit in order to stroke his ego (very common toxic social expectation for men).

He's almost literally x2 her age so that does raise at least a few alarm bells.

Edited February 27, 2021 by Roy

[Yahya]

@Preety_India  It really depends on the comfort level of the 19 year old, but if I were her then I wouldn't do it because from your text I see that the 36 year old is toxic.(I may be wrong) Dating with a toxic person results in dysfunction. However, by the end of the day I would judge the person level of development and then decide whether to date or not. 

[sleep]

Seems like the girl is looking for a father figure in the form of a romantic relationship (if her calling him daddy wasn't just a joke, although you could argue it's still a case of this even if it was a joke, unconscious manifests in the form of jokes and all that). Does she have a bad relationship with her father?

[shane Sheldon]

I think if she is comfortable with him then who we are to complaining about this. Sorry if I am wrong.

[hyruga]

Check out Shellye Archambeau. She married a guy around 18 years his senior. She went on to become one of the first Black woman tech CEO in Silicon Valley.

 

https://fortune.com/2020/09/07/black-women-in-tech-ceo-ambition-corporate-america-shellye-archambeau/

[Lyubov]

Maybe she wants a sugar daddy? 

it’s kinda weird 

[Iksander]

Absolutely nothing wrong with this. 

 

Guys, stop trying to diagnose potential  'problems' you see with everything you read. "oh she must want a sugar daddy" or "he must be immature" your lack of understanding of basic intergender relationships and need to judge is giving people bad advice on these threads. Speak about topics that you actually understand, or continue making useless remarks and getting your daily dose of self-righteousness. Either is fine I guess

 

There's so much bs speculation and judgement in this thread. Men are PRIMARILY attracted to women based on their looks. That's why generally speaking men find women aged 18-25 most attractive (and funnily enough this is when women are at peak fertility... what are the odds). Men are also at the peak of their sexual market value around the age of 36 since they've had time to execute their plans, mature and build up their resources. Not complicated stuff. 

 

Sounds like man meeting woman at the peak of their SMV. Hope they have a good relationship <3

Edited March 2, 2021 by Iksander
extra information

[Lyubov]

On 3/2/2021 at 6:13 PM, Iksander said:

Absolutely nothing wrong with this. 

 

Guys, stop trying to diagnose potential  'problems' you see with everything you read. "oh she must want a sugar daddy" or "he must be immature" your lack of understanding of basic intergender relationships and need to judge is giving people bad advice on these threads. Speak about topics that you actually understand, or continue making useless remarks and getting your daily dose of self-righteousness. Either is fine I guess

 

There's so much bs speculation and judgement in this thread. Men are PRIMARILY attracted to women based on their looks. That's why generally speaking men find women aged 18-25 most attractive (and funnily enough this is when women are at peak fertility... what are the odds). Men are also at the peak of their sexual market value around the age of 36 since they've had time to execute their plans, mature and build up their resources. Not complicated stuff. 

 

Sounds like man meeting woman at the peak of their SMV. Hope they have a good relationship <3

having sex is one thing but a relationship... it's a little odd. he may not be a bad guy but it is a little suspicious. 

[Willie]

It sounds creepy superficially, yes. There’s nothing saying that two people with an age gap such as that can’t have some deep connection.

[Emerald]

The age difference by itself is okay... though it is drastic enough to create some issues if they grow old together, especially because men tend not to live as long to begin with. And of course, there will likely be compatibility issues because they're in vastly different phases of life.

My only concern is that 19 is truly very young. And it is often the case that significantly older men may try to prey on very young women who don't have a lot of experience being an adult. 

But it would be a different situation if she were 22 and he were 39. It's still pretty extreme, so there may be compatibility issues that arise as a result of such an extreme age difference.

But I would worry much less about the exploitation factor if she were 22+. 

[Willie]

12 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Update 

OK she reached out to me last night. I was wrong about her age. I asked her age and she said she is 17. 

I told her to just drop the guy.

I did some internal investigation and checked his history online  and it seems that he had approached a 15 year old a year ago. 

So it's confirmed. He has no reason to approach young and underage women. 

He is giving me serious creepy vibes. 

She said he called her a whore.. I told the girl to block him. She said she will block him. 

Hopefully she blocks him for good.. 

 

Oh, damn! Yeah, he’s no good.

[Lyubov]

15 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Update 

OK she reached out to me last night. I was wrong about her age. I asked her age and she said she is 17. 

I told her to just drop the guy.

I did some internal investigation and checked his history online  and it seems that he had approached a 15 year old a year ago. 

So it's confirmed. He has no reason to approach young and underage women. 

He is giving me serious creepy vibes. 

She said he called her a whore.. I told the girl to block him. She said she will block him. 

Hopefully she blocks him for good.. 

 

ding ding ding... there we go

as expected

 

[StarStruck]

I'm 32 and when I flirt with 19 year old I feel the power imbalance. They think I'm 25 or something because of my health and vitality. I'm like "I'm better enjoy these young girls now that I look young". In couple of years I will probably get more grey hairs and look older. In that case I wouldn't fuck around with these young girls. It is not only age. It is also the esthetics imo.

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Even 22 year old seems way too young to me to be with a 39 year old. 

I'm 31 now and I'd already have a hard time picturing myself with someone who's middle aged. So at age 22, it would have been a crazy overshoot.

The maturity gap caused by an inexperience regarding adulthood is awfully wide. How is an average 39 year old supposed to resonate with a 22 year old? Not to mention that at this age, the person is still going through a speedy phase of development and figuring itself out, as well as the world. 

I'm always worried about exploitation in these type of dynamics. For 1 relationship of this sort that functions, 10 have been terribly dysfunctional and creepy.

From my observations, it takes a rather special older part. Someone who will be fair and not try to push the cover on its side. And that's hard to see from the perspective of a not so much experienced adult. That's why I have always personally abstained from large age gap relationship.

There would likely be some age related incompatibilities because of the difference in life-stage for sure. That can certainly cause some issues. I have some experience with this. 

My husband is 12 years older than me. The biggest age difference I've had in a partner has been 17 years.

In my early 20s I used to really seek out older men to date... though I was always on high guard if they approached me as I recognized it as a red flag. I was craving a mature partner and I recognized that men who go around specifically chasing younger women are not very mature and are usually really creepy. So, I would usually do the approaching.

It was fun for the time, but I was definitely with guys that were too old for me then. And I was looking for a power imbalance... mostly to be able to feel powerful myself. But there was a real double edged sword to the power I wielded over them... where their power over me was not a double edged sword. 

So, seeking out that age disparity, especially at a really young age isn't very wise. And I would agree that it's best to avoid deliberately seeking age disparities. It's not a very strong foundation for a compatible relationship. 

But I can also tell you that it's not really all that much different to be with an older man. 

It does make you age a bit faster in terms of the life-phase that you're in. I became a mom at 22, and my husband became a dad at 34. So, I feel like I've been in my 30s for a very long time... and I'm only 31. So, it does steal your youth a bit.

But my main concern exploitation-wise, is if the younger woman (or man for that matter) isn't old enough to make informed choices about a partner and that the older partner can manipulate them.

So, I put that mark at age 22 because that's the age that I consider someone fully adult enough to make informed decisions based in experience. It's also the age when the brain stops developing. That's why I chose 22, as I see that as the age of full adulthood. Thought the potential for exploitation still exists in any dynamic.

[kray]

@Preety_India While legal, its definitely kinda weird.....something fishy about this dude 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by kray
mispelling

[Spence94]

On 26/02/2021 at 8:38 AM, outlandish said:

I've always thought the "half plus 7" formula is a good guideline for minimum dating age.

I don't know why but I've always felt this to be a good rule of thumb to fall back on. Don't have get neurotic about it, you can allow for a year or two and take the person, connection, chemistry and situation into account.

It's a good intention to have in mind when you are actively looking to meet people though I think. 

[Light Lover]

@Preety_India Short answer, no, it's inappropriate in my opinion. 

[LastThursday]

In my opinion there's two opposing views of the situation:

a. If they are both consenting adults (in that country) then what right do we have to stop them or judge them?

b. If you were 36 and already had a 19 year old daughter, would you really want to date a 19 year old?

There's also the systems view of it and biology. There's the idea of peak attractiveness, fertility and fitness - where fitness pertains to fitness to bear and bring up children. It's probably different ages for men and women. My guess for women is that it's likely to be in the twenties and for men possibly in the thirties. Even a man's fertility will drop in his forties, with lower quality sperm producing more birth defects, similarly for women where the chances of miscarriage and complications increase with age.

Edited March 5, 2021 by LastThursday