Dating someone with BPD - Part 2.

[SamueLSD]

It has been about a year since I last posted about my relationship here, making it ( almost ) 3 years since I started dating my girlfriend with borderline personality disorder. We just broke up finally a couple days ago. 

Over these years I have suffered tremendously. ( I was considering posting this in the 'Serious emotional problems' discussion, but it is a relationship topic nonetheless. ) Her stories of abuse gave me actual nightmares and intrusive thoughts, her suicidal episodes and eating disorder drained me emotionally as I was extremely empathetic, and the fights/manipulation/gaslighting worsened this because whenever I tried my best trying to help her she would treat me like shit. The fights were endless and happened nearly every single day, over things as small as me talking to a female cashier, an old female friend, or an attractive girl appearing on the screen of a movie we were watching. 

People with BPD have a warped sense of reality, and if you try and communicate your perspective to them they generally get extremely angry as it isn't consistent with their version of reality. They are always right, never in the wrong, and 'you are the toxic one'. 

I was eventually 'discarded' ( term used for when a person with BPD emotionally detaches from the relationship, seemingly out of nowhere ) multiple times, leaving me confused and begging for some sort of communication or closure. It never came. 

Currently, I feel as if I am back at square one. No money, as I spent most of it on her, fewer friends ( and 0 female friends ) as she demanded I spend all my time with her, a broken heart, and one hell of a trauma bond.  

Last time I posted, I received a few responses with people who had experienced similar things. I just wanted to give some advice through my experience; Do not even bother dating someone with BPD. The trauma you experience will set you back YEARS, and it is extremely unlikely they can complete a full personality overhaul and 'fix' themselves, if it's even possible at all.

Can anyone can relate, not just to dating someone with BPD but to being traumatised from an abusive relationship? How do you remove the trauma bond and stop the mind from fantasising about the 'good times'? 

[JohnD]

16 hours ago, SamueLSD said:

Can anyone can relate, not just to dating someone with BPD but to being traumatised from an abusive relationship? How do you remove the trauma bond and stop the mind from fantasising about the 'good times'? 

Without diving too deep, your mind is still split since you're perceiving 'good times'. Notice how it wasn't sporadic good times and bad times, but a cycle of good and bad, the good generally arising to offset some bad that's occurred or will occur in the relationship. The part of you reflecting on good times was isolated from the rest of your mind when she put you through the experience of her trauma. I'll call this the Stockholm syndrome part. Its purpose is to protect us when we're in emotionally and psychologically unsafe environments.

When this part arises, hold space for it. Allow it to voice its opinion without clamping down on it. Share what you know about the relationship with this part of you, but maintain a loving attitude towards it. You almost have to spoon-feed it the truth of the matter. You can be instructive and informative, but be patient. Don't invalidate its' experience and don't validate its negative beliefs. Learn to communicate with it. This can be done in a journal, in meditation, or if you have enough awareness to perceive your internal dialogue.

I recommend finding a therapist if you feel too overwhelmed to do this on your own and have means to do so.

[Preety_India]

Most people with personality disorders are a problem. 

I was dating a guy with Bipolar and he would get angry over nothing 

It was a nightmare. 

Lesson learned - never date a bipolar again. 

Not disparaging, but the truth is what is harmful is harmful. I wish people were more open about their disorders. For example if someone was dating me, I would let them know beforehand that I've PTSD. 

It makes things less complicated. 

Btw personality disorders aren't easily visible at first, they are not like deep mental illnesses. It's hard to figure out in the beginning. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Preety_India

[Leo Gura]

@SamueLSD

A) You should have broken up with her years ago.

B) Make sure you never get back together with her.

C) You need to screen girls harder in the future and cut them off immediately if they are this toxic. You can't cure people like this. Cut them off ASAP before you get too attached. You need to be more ruthless here rather than practicing idiot compassion.

D) Raise your personal standards. Why are you dating someone this broken? Have some respect for yourself. Set stronger and clearer boundaries, and if she crosses them more than twice, dump her.

[Natasha]

@SamueLSD Cultivate healthy self-love. You can still care about someone and still choose to walk away, because you have respect for yourself. I've done it before, and like Leo and others have said, identify early on and cut off before getting attached. Observe, don't absorb.

[Jennjenn]

This experience can be good for you. Now you know there’s absolutely nothing you can do to help someone like that. 
you can literally lay yourself on the floor so she can step on top of you, or carry her forever so she never has to walk, and that still won’t be enough. Nothing is ever going to be enough. You can kill your self trying to do good by her and it still won’t work. 
 

look at everything you have done? Did she get better? No. but YOU got worst, you suffered a lot. And it wasn’t worth it and it’s never going to be worth it. 
 

don’t kill your self trying to save someone else. You would  die and the next day they will forget about it and move on and look for someone else. 
 

the only one you’re responsible for is you. What do you have to say to you about how responsible you’ve been about you? Love YOU protect YOU, that’s your job and your responsibility. 
 

If someone wants you to sacrifice your well being and happiness for them, that person doesn’t love you. They might as well hate you and be your worst enemy. 
 

And you know, many people are raised with self-esteem. But others like us, have to go through shit like this first to know that we deserve so much better, because nobody deserves to be treated like that.  NOBODY, not you not me NOBODY. if they have issues they should be responsible and deal with their issues first before they start dating and hurting people. 
 

I bet from now on you will run for the hills as soon as you see  all those red flags. 

[Gili Trawangan]

I've had a very traumatic experience with a woman with NPD, not BPD. Some of the things you describe are different, but others are the same, like the gaslighting and the abuse.

In hindsight, it was very necessary for my spiritual growth, but it certainly didn't seem that way at the time. As others have mentioned, there is a reason this happened, you need to look within and find out why you stayed with her for so long. It's not easy and it will certainly take time to heal, but do know that it will. Entirely.

For me, that relationship was what prompted me to really start introspecting and looking at my childhood traumas and doing shadow work. Ultimately, it put me on the spiritual path as well. Best thing that ever happened to me.

How do you stop fantasizing about the good times? That's a tough question, I think time is needed. Pushing thoughts away is probably not going to work, just allow them. And allow yourself to feel bad, it's ok. There is no easy answer to trauma of this kind, but it's important to love and accept yourself when you're feeling bad, or when you're reminiscing, or when you're feeling angry. Just allow everything to be, and take your time.

[SamueLSD]

4 hours ago, JohnD said:

I'll call this the Stockholm syndrome part. Its purpose is to protect us when we're in emotionally and psychologically unsafe environments.

Sounds about right, it's hard to keep things in context when you're looking back on the relationship. The grass is never really greener

[SamueLSD]

4 hours ago, dflores321 said:

You may not like this, but that woman is a reflection of you, look for behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you guys both have and you'll see what you need to work on to ascend.

We were both ( romantically )  lonely that's for sure, and lacked self respect so looking after the relationship felt even more important than looking after ourselves. 

Infact, I could not distinguish between looking after myself vs looking after the her / the relationship.. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by SamueLSD

[SamueLSD]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I was dating a guy with Bipolar and he would get angry over nothing 

It was a nightmare.

Sorry to hear that, my ex was the same. 

They are simply toxic, they could be the death of you if you stay around long enough

[SamueLSD]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@SamueLSD

A) You should have broken up with her years ago.

I know, I remember you told me to when I first posted about it. I said I'm gonna give it one last try, then you said; good, then you'll know for sure.

Well now I know for sure. 

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

B) Make sure you never get back together with her.

I vow to stay apart, believe me. 

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

C) You need to screen girls harder in the future and cut them off immediately if they are this toxic. You can't cure people like this. Cut them off ASAP before you get too attached. You need to be more ruthless here rather than practicing idiot compassion.

 

D) Raise your personal standards. Why are you dating someone this broken? Have some respect for yourself. Set stronger and clearer boundaries, and if she crosses them more than twice, dump her.

She was my first girlfriend, I was only 15 when we started dating. 18 now, everything is so much clearer. I'm naturally pretty empathetic and caring, and holy shit I was so in love with her, plus it was my first love so which explains the attachment, why the abuse lasted so long and felt so painful.

The onset of the toxic behaviour was pretty slow, which is basically by the book for people with BPD. Lovebomb and lure you in, then their true colours show once you are already attached.

 

3 hours ago, Natasha said:

Observe, don't absorb.

Sadly I absorbed everything during the 3 years, like an emotional sponge. 

I know I helped her so much, she was in a rut before I came along and gave her all my love. Shame is, she could've probably used just about anyone as her 'source'. She wasn't grateful for the emotional torture I endured for her, and as soon as she felt ok, and became popular with a new group of friends, she left me without any remorse. After reinforcing the idea that we were made for each other and she could never leave me.

 

 She still had the nerve to say "I still love you, I just need to work on myself." Total BS.

 

2 hours ago, Jennjenn said:

And you know, many people are raised with self-esteem. But others like us, have to go through shit like this first to know that we deserve so much better, because nobody deserves to be treated like that.  NOBODY, not you not me NOBODY. if they have issues they should be responsible and deal with their issues first before they start dating and hurting people. 

Amen. I kinda feel sorry for 15 year-old me, not knowing what the fuck is going on, thinking it's normal, that there is something wrong with me. 

Never letting this shit happen again. BPD relationships at the pinnacle of toxic relationships.

 

 

 

@Gili Trawangan

Thanks for the advice. 

I'm pretty sure my ex developed NPD by the end, I can't be too sure.

She was definitely a narcissist. Admittedly, she had ( I am not kidding ) on of the most beautiful faces I had ever seen, but the fact she knew that, alongside with her untrained BPD mind,  made her ugly on the inside. 

Being chased by boys and called stunning was probably the only source of happiness she knew once.

 

 

 

[Gili Trawangan]

@SamueLSD Oh, you're only 18. Holy shit, no wonder you fell for it... it's a lesson you'll have for life.

[Roy]

As rough as it seems, there is a massive silver lining here for you; You are very young and basically have your entire adult life ahead of you (including your financial one which is just getting started). There may be a lot of pain and trauma that came from this but you will heal from it with a willingness to learn (which you seem to have) and simply time.....

You are actually lucky compared to most people as you experienced this at such a young age that the consequences were shitty but not life ruining/catastrophic, what if you were married or had a kid with this girl? Pondering these kinds of questions helps you cope and heal.

You're back at square one? Great! Your life is just beginning so what a time to have a clean slate! You are stronger having gone through it and now know what to look out for in the future to protect yourself, and how to set boundaries.

You're gonna be alright @SamueLSD 

 

[Preety_India]

I will repeat a lot of the things that people said here and make a collage out of it to show you how this whole thing looks like and it's various aspects. And why such things happen. 

You'll see it in a cascading form 

What JohnD said 

Without diving too deep, your mind is still split since you're perceiving 'good times'. 

Yes. @SamueLSD I did the same. I focused too much on the good times. This is an error of the human mind. Since we love that person, we are more likely to cling to the good times and forgive the bad times. This is an essential relationship experience and lesson. Always put the bad times in focus in a relationship because the biggest clues to the future of a relationship are hidden in the bad times. 

This I say from personal experience with the bipolar person I was in a relationship with. 

What dflores321 said 

You may not like this, but that woman is a reflection of you, look for behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you guys both have and you'll see what you need to work on to ascend. 

This is a bit hard to digest but absolutely necessary @SamueLSD

I never believed this in the beginning but since the breakup with that toxic guy I learned to introspect and think why I was ready to put up with such a relationship. I realized that it was a lack of knowledge and lack of boundaries. When I looked further deep down, I saw that my boundaries were already broken as a child and I had no concept of boundaries. Today I have that because I've realized how boundaries can make such a huge difference. 

What jennjenn said 

Nothing is ever going to be enough. You can kill your self trying to do good by her and it still won’t work. 

Yea this. You will always feel like whatever you are doing is not enough. This is a classic red flag indicator in such relationships. I was made to feel guilty. Even if I helped the guy and tried to save his life once, it wasn't enough. 

To let you know he also suffered narcissistic personality disorder or NPD. 

He would dictate all the terms. I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid that I would offend him even when I wasn't trying to offend. 

I had to literally worship him and his ego and swallow all his emotional abuse. 

look at everything you have done? Did she get better? No. but YOU got worst, you suffered a lot. And it wasn’t worth it and it’s never going to be worth it. 

^ This. I did everything to make him feel good. I was with him 24/7.  I had to keep proving my love to him. Did he get better? Absolutely not. In fact I was suffering day in day out. Was it worth it? Not at all 

In hindsight, it was absolutely absurd and total foolishness on my part. I had this image in my mind that he is my soul mate. So I placed him on a higher pedestal and gave him special importance. I could not see him as a bad or toxic person while in the relationship because he was so important to me, I labeled him as a soulmate which was the biggest mistake 

not knowing what the fuck is going on, thinking it's normal, that there is something wrong with me

^THIS. I always felt this nagging feeling like "what is going on? “ such questions are signs to red flags. And I blamed myself because he gaslighted me into thinking that everything wrong was my fault. If he was late to a doctor's appointment, it was my fault. Such indicators are absolutely important. 

I was being constantly shamed for nothing at all. 

I'm naturally pretty empathetic and caring, and holy shit I was so in love with her, plus it was my first love so which explains the attachment, why the abuse lasted so long and felt so painful.

This. I'm naturally empathetic and caring. I was so in love with him. I considered him my soul mate. You're saying that she was your first love, I was saying he was my soul mate. Notice how such descriptions actually end up doing more harm. We have a fixed perception in our minds that our relationships are unusually awesome because of the labels and descriptions we already assign them. Is the dynamic of the relationship worthy of such description? The answer is no. This is where the map of toxic relationships begin. With this very point. Toxic relationships are like a big map with many dots to connect. This is the first dot. Please notice this. Assigning huge value to a relationship already, puts huge pressured on us to continue, validate and maintain it. Had I thought of him as a normal regular  boyfriend and not a soulmate, it would have been much easier for me to take all the red flags into account and break up immediately. But because my mind had a predefined perception of the relationship, I was too attached to keeping, preserving it at the expense of swallowing emotional abuse. 

There is no first love,last love, soulmate, these are bullshit cultural/social conditioning that get us too excited in a relationship. A relationship is not special until and unless the relationship has proved its worth to be called so. 

These days I say to myself that i won't call my boyfriend a soulmate unless he is really deserving of it. 

I'm pretty sure my ex developed NPD by the end, I can't be too sure.

She was definitely a narcissist. Admittedly, she had ( I am not kidding ) on of the most beautiful faces I had ever seen, but the fact she knew that, alongside with her untrained BPD mind,  made her ugly on the inside. 

Being chased by boys and called stunning was probably the only source of happiness she knew once.

Yes this. He had one of the most beautiful faces. He was too full of himself. He would tell me how he could get any girl he wanted. He had girls liking him because he was handsome. And he felt validated by their attention. 

 

The onset of the toxic behaviour was pretty slow, which is basically by the book for people with BPD. Lovebomb and lure you in, then their true colours show once you are already attached.

This. The onset was very slow for me. First 2 months it was very beautiful and heavenly. He love bombed me like crazy. I felt special. I felt completely lured in. 

His true colors begin to show gradually. In 6 months he wasn't the guy I had seen on the first day. I felt like I was dating a totally different person. 

NPD are very good at love bombing and generating trust. Later they start chipping away at layers of trust. 

What jennjenn said 

If someone wants you to sacrifice your well being and happiness for them, that person doesn’t love you. They might as well hate you and be your worst enemy. 

Yes. This. You don't think of them as an enemy. But if they are making you suffer they are not your friend either. They destroy you over time. 

We were both ( romantically )  lonely that's for sure, and lacked self respect so looking after the relationship felt even more important than looking after ourselves. 

Infact, I could not distinguish between looking after myself vs looking after the her / the relationship.. 

 This. This is another dot on the map. You're lonely. This condition is a primer to attract such relationships. I was lonely and needed love. So I ended up attracting  someone who lured me in. 

I felt like looking after the relationship was more important than looking after me. I was constantly trying to manage the stress he was creating. I had to be the sponge. I was slowly gaining weight and abandoning self care to care for his needs in the name of protecting the relationship 

Your situation absolutely mirrors mine. Only the gender is reversed. 

Sadly I absorbed everything during the 3 years, like an emotional sponge. 

I know I helped her so much, she was in a rut before I came along and gave her all my love. Shame is, she could've probably used just about anyone as her 'source'. She wasn't grateful for the emotional torture I endured for her, and as soon as she felt ok, and became popular with a new group of friends, she left me without any remorse. After reinforcing the idea that we were made for each other and she could never leave me.

 She still had the nerve to say "I still love you, I just need to work on myself." 

^this. I absorbed everything like an emotional punching bag. His verbal abuse was non stop. I helped him a lot. Spent money on him. But he had no gratitude. I gave him all my love. But he was ruthless. He was using me as a narcissistic supply. He was lonely so he needed me as a temporary fix. As soon as he became a bit popular, he began cheating on me, I felt used. 

I thought he could never cheat on me because that's what he would assure me whenever he would flirt with some girl. In the end he cheated and admitted to it shamelessly. But came around and told me that he still loved me and wanted me to hang around. 

That's when I finally took the exit. 

Before he found me, he was in a rut. I helped him get a job and a new place to live and helped him get rid of his addictions. But as soon as he felt better, he started cheating. 

What Gili Trawangan said 

In hindsight, it was very necessary for my spiritual growth, but it certainly didn't seem that way at the time. As others have mentioned, there is a reason this happened, you need to look within and find out why you stayed with her for so long. It's not easy and it will certainly take time to heal, but do know that it will. Entirely.

For me, that relationship was what prompted me to really start introspecting and looking at my childhood traumas and doing shadow work. Ultimately, it put me on the spiritual path as well. Best thing that ever happened to me.

This. This was necessary to happen @SamueLSD... Necessary for spiritual growth.. It had to happen for a rude awakening. 

What jennjenn said 

And you know, many people are raised with self-esteem. But others like us, have to go through shit like this first to know that we deserve so much better, because nobody deserves to be treated like that.  NOBODY, not you not me NOBODY. if they have issues they should be responsible and deal with their issues first before they start dating and hurting people. 

I bet from now on you will run for the hills as soon as you see  all those red flags. 

This..we are not raised with enough self esteem and boundaries. This is another dot on the map. So we have to go through shit like this to realize that we deserve more. If someone hurts you, they are responsible and not you, it's not your responsibility to cure their problems, but their responsibility to heal themselves of their issues before they date you. 

Look at how Kanye West is behaving. People sympathize with him. But he is bipolar. He needs to fix himself before dating. It's not the wife's job to fix him. People gaslight a partner instead of telling the guy that he needs to fix his issues himself. 

What Natasha said 

Cultivate healthy self-love. You can still care about someone and still choose to walk away, because you have respect for yourself. I've done it before, and like Leo and others have said, identify early on and cut off before getting attached. Observe, don't absorb.

^this. Attachment is the key. Don't get attached too easily. It was very difficult for me to break the relationship because I was in  too Deep, I was attached heavily. You can keep a mild attachment in the beginning and keep a window period of few months. It takes time for such pathological behaviors to show up. In this time frame, you need to constantly observe and watch the relationship dynamic closely. Look for red flags and learn more about personality disorders or any toxic behaviors. Be on the watch out. Stop Molly coddling the person. Don't think of them as special. Don't get lured in by love bombing. Stay alert and stay smart and maintain emotional safety boundaries like I do now. 

Keep a watchful eye and screen rigorously during this window period. Such traits are not visible on the first date. But there are always clues and dots on the map. 

Don't show empathy quickly. Someone here advised me long back - "don't be a foolish empath, be a wise empath." I now try to be a wise empath. 

Don't waste your empathy on such people. Of course they deserve compassion. But we don't deserve to suffer because someone has issues. 

Whenever I argued with my boyfriend about his hate and anger issues, he justified himself by saying that it was his bipolar. Meaning I'm supposed to have room for his issues. But why should I suffer because he has issues??? 

I don't need to accommodate someone and make myself suffer. Of course I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve love. But he can deserve it after healing himself. 

 

What Leo said 

A) You should have broken up with her years ago.

B) Make sure you never get back together with her.

C) You need to screen girls harder in the future and cut them off immediately if they are this toxic. You can't cure people like this. Cut them off ASAP before you get too attached. You need to be more ruthless here rather than practicing idiot compassion.

D) Raise your personal standards. Why are you dating someone this broken? Have some respect for yourself. Set stronger and clearer boundaries, and if she crosses them more than twice, dump her.

Leo is saying the right things. 

I had to learn how to become more selfish and ruthless after my past abusive relationship. No more excuses. No more defending his bad behaviors on his disorder. No more giving room to people who want to use and leave me feeling stressed. 

I should have broken up earlier but I thought I was helping him. That "helping syndrome" has to go away. There is no need to help someone who isn't trying to help themselves.. 

I made sure I never got back with my ex. I blocked him. He wished me on his profile on my birthday. He tried to come back but I said goodbye.. 

Leo is absolutely right about "idiot compassion"... He was homeless and I was being his helper and savior. That was idiot compassion from me. 

And this is just another dot on the map, why people put up with such toxic relationships because they think they are helping someone. No.... You have no such obligation 

We don't owe anyone anything. I had a hard time saying no to someone who needed help. He preyed on it. He called me generous and helpful. And he saw the potential to use me. 

You can help people without getting hurt. Without letting them prey on you. If they are using you, it's time to be selfish and walk away instead of continuing to help. Because only you suffer. They will leech you dry and leave you or betray you in the end 

You can't cure such people. 

Just set clearer and stronger and stricter boundaries and let no one feast on your goodness or grace. Let no one steal your healthy energy. 

They need to get help, not your job to fix them. The end. 

 

 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Preety_India

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, SamueLSD said:

She was my first girlfriend, I was only 15 when we started dating. 18 now,

Well, that explains it.

You'll be fine. Just learn your lesson deep and you will come out ahead from this situation.

[Preety_India]

11 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Well, that explains it.

You'll be fine. Just learn your lesson deep and you will come out ahead from this situation.

Does this mean that people in their 40s and 50s do not get into toxic relationships? 

 

[Raze]

On 2/25/2021 at 1:19 AM, SamueLSD said:

It has been about a year since I last posted about my relationship here, making it ( almost ) 3 years since I started dating my girlfriend with borderline personality disorder. We just broke up finally a couple days ago. 

Over these years I have suffered tremendously. ( I was considering posting this in the 'Serious emotional problems' discussion, but it is a relationship topic nonetheless. ) Her stories of abuse gave me actual nightmares and intrusive thoughts, her suicidal episodes and eating disorder drained me emotionally as I was extremely empathetic, and the fights/manipulation/gaslighting worsened this because whenever I tried my best trying to help her she would treat me like shit. The fights were endless and happened nearly every single day, over things as small as me talking to a female cashier, an old female friend, or an attractive girl appearing on the screen of a movie we were watching. 

People with BPD have a warped sense of reality, and if you try and communicate your perspective to them they generally get extremely angry as it isn't consistent with their version of reality. They are always right, never in the wrong, and 'you are the toxic one'. 

I was eventually 'discarded' ( term used for when a person with BPD emotionally detaches from the relationship, seemingly out of nowhere ) multiple times, leaving me confused and begging for some sort of communication or closure. It never came. 

Currently, I feel as if I am back at square one. No money, as I spent most of it on her, fewer friends ( and 0 female friends ) as she demanded I spend all my time with her, a broken heart, and one hell of a trauma bond.  

Last time I posted, I received a few responses with people who had experienced similar things. I just wanted to give some advice through my experience; Do not even bother dating someone with BPD. The trauma you experience will set you back YEARS, and it is extremely unlikely they can complete a full personality overhaul and 'fix' themselves, if it's even possible at all.

Can anyone can relate, not just to dating someone with BPD but to being traumatised from an abusive relationship? How do you remove the trauma bond and stop the mind from fantasising about the 'good times'? 

Read I hate you don't leave me by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus, and Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T Mason.

If you aren't already you need to talk to a psychologist, if you were in a relationship with a BPD person it may be a sign you have an undiagnosed problem like being a fixer or having codependent narcissism. 

[SamueLSD]

10 hours ago, Roy said:

You're gonna be alright @SamueLSD 

True. Although the grief I am experiencing is almost unbearable. 

 

 

@Preety_India

Wow, awesome reply. I seriously appreciate how in depth that was. 

You are right with all your points, and your situation sounds very similar to mine. 

I understand what you mean by 'foolish empath', but at the same time I was only 15 when I was exposed to all of this. I had no clue, no point of reference. All I knew was to love. I was so vulnerable and confused. I couldn't have possibly 'gone meta' and seen all the red flags like I can now and just left, as she was all I ever knew. I learnt to love, trust, and bond with someone who didn't exist. Someone whose personality would change instantly as her environment did. I was fucking helpless. 

I had boundaries, I reinforced them for years. But it is common for people with BPD to systematically stretch the boundaries and literally manipulate you into thinking you are the one in the wrong and being 'crazy' for having those boundaries. You don't just lower you boundaries with these people, they trick you into doing so. 

As for how you said "This condition is a primer to attract such relationships", I have only realised now ( as I am reading through the replies ) another aspect that lead me to attract her. My best friend at the time was a bi-polar narcissist. He lied to me constantly , embarrassed me, and even tried to steal my girlfriend from me while we were getting to know each other. But I put up with it ( for a while ). This lead to a general distrust with friends, and I felt like my girlfriend was the only one I could really trust - that she was genuine and I needed no one else. ( Recipe for a fucking disaster ). 

He also used to say she messaged him flirty things but would never show evidence. He was obviously jealous and I already knew he was a liar - but  she had a similar condition, and would lie sometimes too. I had no choice but to trust her, even if I really didn't, and I cut my friend off completely. 

As time went on, 2 more of my friends confessed their love to her - leading to me basically cutting most of my closest friends off, and reinforcing the notion that she was all I needed - and the only one I could trust. Like taking out your life savings and placing it on volatile shares. 

On top of all of this - my entire phone, social media, emails, EVERYTHING got ' hacked '. I would find messages sent to people that I knew I never sent, usually flirting with girls - photos of porn saved on my camera roll, posts that I never made - writing in the notes on my phone that I never wrote. I felt as if my life was hacked. 

This destroyed a part of the relationship. She just thought I was cheating and being unfaithful, but eventually realised that those things would happen on my phone even when I wasn't on it. Someone was desperately trying to destroy my life and relationship and I didn't know who. 

It was probably her - she was the only person who had access to my accounts and phone. BPD people are known to do fucked up manipulative shit like this. But I could never prove it - and she would tell me with sincere eyes she would never do that to me, or get really angry and say I have trust issues, and to stop accusing her all the time. 

To this day, I still don't know who did it. It went on for a long time, and god it was some severe stalking. Eventually I had to get a new phone , delete all social media, and start again. But by then my social life was ruined - people thought I was a creep going around and commenting on girls posts, messaging them weird shit, etc. 

Even when I changed ALL my passwords to really complex ones, and changed every aspect of technology I had - it would still sometimes happen. She would happen to look through my phone 5 minutes after 'I' liked a post of a girl ( thinking about this, it was probably her doing it for whatever fucked up reason ), and cause a huge argument, leading to me apologising heaps and trying to make it up to her. I think she liked this. 

 

 

All this was slowly ruining my mind - yet I pushed on. I mediated every day. Took psychedelics strictly for development. Tried to explore and be in nature as much as I could. Things improved for me for a while, but it was the calm before the storm. 

 

 

 

Fuck. I am seeing this all so clearly now. I fell right into the worst relationship I could have possibly fallen into at the age of 15, it was a catastrophe waiting to happen. It all makes sense. Why I feel lonely now she's gone, why I depended on her, why I was SO SHOCKED at how quickly her attitude and love toward me changed within the last 2 months, leading to her discarding me as if she never even knew me. 

It was my worst nightmare that things wouldn't work out as I had sacrificed EVERYTHING for her - my own mental health, my friends, time with my family, school, countless nights consoling her trauma at like 4am when I really should've been studying ( I dropped out of school when things were 'going good' with us ), only for her to ... forget? People with BPD have a horrible sense of object permanence. Her idea of me literally changes if she is away for a couple days. It was so easy for her to leave, while I was crying on the phone begging for some fucking closure. 

I try to be optimistic, but I feel horrible. The pain is so deep. 

I wake up and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even feel like working out anymore. I sit there and think - what the fuck am I doing? What now? Wake up, do basic shit like eat and shower, then my motivation seems to disappear. Play video games? Yeah why not. They make me feel fucking empty but what else can I do.  My mind is scrambled, the brain fog is severe.  

I felt so centred not that long ago. Getting fit, getting good with spiritual practices, friends, girlfriend. Like I was really actualizing.  Now I can barely get myself out of bed. 

Sorry that lead somewhat into a rant, I need to let things out somehow haha. 

 

@Raze Good book suggestions - and yeah, I should probably see a therapist. It's difficult for me to bring myself to do that though. 

I would definitely say I suffer from being a 'fixer'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 26, 2021 by SamueLSD

[SamueLSD]

Thank you all very much for replying and giving advice and love. 

You have all shown more understanding and compassion than she ever did - this is really helping me get shit off my chest as well as learn about why I am feeling the way that I am. 

[Hulia]

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Does this mean that people in their 40s and 50s do not get into toxic relationships? 

 

It´s a matter of experience not of age. Once you have had this shit, you begin to recognize toxic people and avoid them.